Ben's P.O.V.
What was happening? When did it start? I couldn't answer these questions. Besides, it was too late. I caught it too late. I knew Cassie was changing, but I figured she was just stressed from work or the kids. Whenever I tried to ask, she would shut me out.
Occasionally, she would let it out, rant about whatever it was that was bothering her, but I knew she wasn't getting down to the core of her problems, about what was really bothering her. As her husband, I'm incredibly worried that I'm not making our marriage work.
I have been gone quite a bit lately, but I was planning to cut back as soon as the Imitation Game promos were done because I miss spending time with her and our kids.
I met Cassie when she was just transferring over to Manchester University from New York University for the semester. Well, it was supposed to be one semester, but we fell in love and I asked her to stay. She did. We moved in together about a year later and we were the happiest we could be.
A few months later, Cassie got pregnant with our son Elliott. We were still college students and had a quick decision to make. We opted to keep our little boy. She didn't want to rush into marriage, which I completely respected, but she still gave Elliott my last name.
We struggled like any young parents would, especially when we still had school. We made sure to make our schedule where one of us can be home, while the other is in class. We also took up two jobs. It was the most difficult time in our lives, but my girl graduated with honors, as did I. Our jobs at the market and the theater were no more because we picked up real, full-time jobs.
I ended up quitting my job because I wasn't happy. My lovely girl understood and told me to follow my dreams of being an actor. By now, our little boy was turning one and my goal for our family was to be able to support it.
I wanted Elliott to have even bigger birthdays than his first because we were only able to afford a small cake and no candles. Cassie's parents would wire us money when my acting career didn't pick up and we made sure to use it for Elliott first and us second.
Unfortunately, the acting took a turn for the worst. I didn't find a gig for nearly two months and ended up being a stay at home dad, while Cassie was the one who supported us. I got an earful from her dad and my mum, which made me get my old job back at the theater. I cleaned the stage and seats after each performance.
I was disappointed with my job, with how I hadn't been able to support my girlfriend and son. I came home one night almost in tears because I had to clean up a show my old college mate was in. Cassie held me all night as I cried in her arms (more than our son had that day, I'm sure) and encouraged me to quit and go back out and audition wherever I could.
A few weeks later, I got the lead role at a local theater. It ran for three weeks and the pay was fairly decent. By Elliott's second birthday, I was getting gigs all over London and was able to get him a decent cake, candles, and a few toys. Between Cassie and I, we were doing very well for ourselves and our son.
About two years later, I got booked for a T.V. show in Africa. Cassie, who was still my girlfriend, was over the moon for me, even though I was going to be gone for four months. I didn't feel right leaving my four year old and mother of my child alone for that long, but Cassie assured me it was fine.
It ended up being the complete opposite.
Three months into filming, myself and some cast mates got kidnapped at gunpoint. I pleaded them to keep me alive for the sake of my little boy. He and Cassie flooded my mind the entire time and once we were let loose, I had never been more thankful for my life and vowed to live it less ordinary.
Cassie got on the first flight out once I told her what happened and the second I saw her, I had never felt more relief, more love, more alive. After a continuous night of lovemaking, I finally asked her to marry me. I didn't have a ring, I couldn't afford one yet, but she told me that it didn't matter and told me "yes".
We got married two years later. It was a longer engagement than we had hoped, but with everything we were trying to do for Elliott, with putting him through school and each of us putting in half our paycheck into his savings, we didn't have much of a choice. Our parents helped out of course, but we felt we owed them too much already, that we didn't want them to invest anymore.
We got married in a small church and had a small reception, but it was one of the best days of my life. Cassie was gorgeous in her dress and my little boy looked dapper as my best man. Our honeymoon was just a short few days in Paris since Cassie had always wanted to go and it was close by.
That's were we had conceived our second child, but unfortunately lost it only three weeks later in a miscarriage. We were both devastated beyond belief, but were able to get through it together. We didn't try to get pregnant again, not with our work escalating for both of us.
I was filming a lot more films, but tried to make it local so I could still be with Elliott and Cassie. Cassie was doing very well and became a book editor in a very high publishing firm. Elliott was doing magnificently in school, being top of his class in every subject and excelled in sports.
Thanks to his American mother, he was interested in playing baseball and american football. Unfortunately, the teams here in London were awful, so when he turned seven, Cassie and I had decided to send him off to California to his grandparents' house so he could attend a baseball or football camp for the summer.
We let him decide and he chose baseball. He's been chewing baseball for the past three years, even though we told him it was okay to change his mind. He never did.
In the summer of 2009, just before Elliott turned ten, Cassie gave birth to our second son, Dustin. Elliott was away at baseball camp during the birth, but he was so excited to have finally become a big brother. He came home only two weeks later and was immediately in love with his younger half.
During this exciting time, I had gotten an offer to do a T.V. show about a modern day Sherlock Holmes. I was skeptical about it at first, but as usual, my darling girl told me to go for it. So, I did. Each episode took about three weeks to film, but they were only three episodes.
I really enjoyed portraying the detective, though Cassie would often get upset with me if I turned into a complete dick like him. Thankfully, I didn't have to miss out on much with my two boys, as the filming location was only a few hours away.
I would often bring Elliott with me on the weekends and he adored it all, but all he could think about...baseball. Dad's job was cool, but not as cool as baseball.
Sherlock aired in early 2010 and it didn't get too much attention at first. After the second episode aired, it completely exploded. Everybody loved it. It all happened so fast that I wasn't able to grasp it, but I suddenly started getting all kinds of offers for shows and movies and my fan base expanded incredibly.
Cassie never failed to tell me how proud she was and that was what kept me going most of all. Unfortunately, with all this new fame, came new experiences with being recognized in public and fan mail and paparazzi.
It was flattering at first, but then it became kind of annoying, especially when people would take pictures of my family and print them in the papers. Cassie didn't mind it being herself, but was more concerned about the boys. Elliott hated the attention he got at school because of his famous dad. He was eleven around this time and Dustin was just a year.
One of the best things about all this was were able to move into a bigger house in Hamstead. We were also able to afford to put Elliott onto a travel baseball team. He got to travel all over the states, from California to Hawaii, to New York and even ended up in Japan for the World Series.
I couldn't go to every game like Cassie, since she could work out of the office, but I made damn sure to be in Japan for the big game. They won the World Series and Elliott even got MVP out of the entire league!
Cassie and I were so proud of our boy, especially when sports channels started interviewing him and he remained incredibly humble and made everything about his team and his family. Because of all the traveling he had to do, he missed a lot of school.
In London, people don't care about baseball, so the school didn't understand why he would do so much for the sport. I gave them hell about it and luckily, they let him re-do some tests and turn in some homework.
Elliott was our star boy. After the season ended and he caught up on all his work, he graduated into middle school with honors and an astounding GPA. I wanted to send him off to my Alma Mater, Harrow, because it was the best education around.
My wife rightfully pointed out that he would have to give up baseball until summers and that would destroy him.
Dustin, on the other hand, was a trouble maker. He would run and scream and be a boy. He really irritated Cassie when she had him all to herself because he would throw tantrums about the worst things; he didn't want that food or that milk or this show.
The only person who could really calm him down was Elliott. Dustin looked up to his big brother like nothing I've ever seen.
The worst part about being a celebrity dad is all the traveling that you can't bring your family on. During they year of 2012, I started filming the movie Star Trek: Into Darkness. The filming was six months long in Los Angeles.
Since Cassie's family lived there, she took the kids down for a weekend and I got to show them around set. Dustin, who was now three, thought everything was amazing, but my thirteen year old first born just wanted his mum to take him to a baseball game.
He only got to go to three every year and every time, he chose the Angels, which was Cassie's favorite team growing up. After that weekend, Cassie tried to bring them down once a month, but things got a bit too hectic, sometimes to a point where she couldn't make it.
Elliott came out on his own one time and we had a pleasant father-son weekend. I took him to a baseball game and he kept talking about how badly he wanted to be out on a professional field as a professional himself. I told him that if that is what he wanted, then I would do all I could to help him get there. All he had to do was want it.
Around the time of the release of Star Trek, Cassie was pregnant with our third child. I was over the moon and completely thrilled! Of course, with all my fame, we had to keep it under wraps. I told close friends and family, but kept it out of the media.
People found out when the bump was too difficult to hide anymore and the news blew up more than we had expected. It was all over social media, magazines, news channels...it was insane. She came with me to the Star Trek premier in London when she was dangerously close to her due date. I urged her to stay home, but she said she had made a promise to go months ago and she intended to keep that promise.
Well, the next day she went into labor and delivered our first girl, Harper. As soon as Harper was born, I was completely and utterly, head over heels in love. She had me wrapped around her little finger the moment I set my eyes on her.
As a father of two boys, you don't have to always be too gentle because they're always going to be rough from the moment they can. With my baby girl, everything was gentle. I shielded her from everything I could, but she ended up loving watching Elliott and Dustin get scrapes and bruises from rough housing.
After Harper was a few months old, I started going out and working again, but kept it local. I joined a play called Frankenstein and it was right at the Barbican theater, so not too far from home. Cassie, Elliott and Dustin, along with my parents came to opening night and I had never felt better, knowing that my family was in the audience supporting me.
Every night, after each performance, I'd come home to a dark house and a sleeping family. Elliott would be up sometimes, watching T.V. and I would join him, ask about school and his sports teams. He went on about how he and Cassie practiced his hitting and pitching and throwing. He and his mother had the closest relationship I've ever seen between a parent and child and it warmed my heart, but I was glad I was making my way into that little circle they had.
As I sit here, my little girl sleeping in my arms with all these memories flooding my mind, I try and think as to how I'm going to explain to my fifteen year old and five year old sons why mummy and daddy are going to be living in separate houses.
I have to explain why mummy is sad all the time and why their daddy always yells at her. The truth about all that, is that I truly do not know. We were so happy, so in love, but things changed. I blame myself. I was gone eight months out of the year, I stopped going to Elliott's games, Dustin was taking the artistic route and I haven't seen any of his projects from school, and then there's Harper who hardly knows her father.
Finally, there's Cassie. She's lonely, tired, and just...done. She told me she was. I didn't think my heart could feel so much pain.
Divorce. That was the word that she brought up and it hasn't left my mind. I don't want a divorce. A divorce is for people who don't love each other anymore and I love Cassie more than life itself. I told her a divorce is not an option. Despite begging and pleading, she wants me to move out for a while. The kids can see me on the weekends, but that's it.
Elliott and Dustin were currently in school and I'm just holding Harper because I love holding my little girl. I don't want to ever stop holding her. Unfortunately, the moment where I had to stop came all too soon. Cassie came downstairs with a sad look on her face. I knew she was going to ask me to leave before the boys get home.
"Ben," her soft voice called. I looked down at my peacefully sleeping daughter and painfully whispered, "I know." I slowly stood and walked over to the sofa, where I gently put down my two year old and surrounded her with pillows so she wouldn't roll over.
I looked to my wife and quietly said, "We can make this work. I know we can, Cass. We can't just throw away a twenty year relationship." I couldn't give up on us. I wouldn't. But the look on her face was filled with pain and I knew I had failed her.
"Please go," was all she said, making my aching heart break. After wiping a few tears, I leaned down and kissed my daughter's head. I looked at her one more time, before going over to the door and collecting my bags.
I walked out into the chilly London air, then turned to Cassie, who was just shutting the door. "I still love you," I told her, causing her movements to stop. She looked at me through the crack of the door...then shut it.
I had gotten a flat not too far from the house. It was a nice three bedroom flat, but it was so lonely. I didn't have Harper crying because she needed a change. I didn't have Dustin running around and screaming about how he drew a picture for me or for his mother. I didn't have Elliott talking our ears off about the latest baseball player or how excited he was for travel ball again.
I didn't have Cassie. Not her smile, not her laugh, not her body, nor her voice calling demands to the kids throughout the house. I didn't have her. It was breaking my heart. I won't have her to hold at night.
I fear I may never have her again.