Calum
I wanted to run away. I had always thought about it when I was younger - the adrenaline pumping through my veins as I held one bag in one hand and somebody else in the other. But I never had anyone to tell that to, until Michael came along.
We were in a cabin, somewhere near a lake. According to Michael, he rented it out and made some sort of weird deal with one of the owners. I hoped that it didn't involve smoking cigarettes or drinking alcohol, as I do remember the first time we sat in the parking lot and I threw his box of matches into the bushes which he never bothered to retrieve. I guess I was more important than that, and it means more than he could ever imagine.
Michael was asleep, completely knocked out on a twin mattress that wasn't big enough for the two of us unless we decided to cuddle. I was fine with it, and I laid in his arms for hours until I began to grow uncomfortable. It wasn't that I didn't like being in his arms, only more of the fact that I couldn't sleep. And whenever I can't sleep, I walk away.
It's something I never bothered telling anybody. My parents never knew that I spent most of my nights sneaking out of my window, despite the distance from the ground to my bedroom. There was always a ladder I could climb, but I preferred to jump. I didn't care about dying, anyway.
Well I didn't care about death until Michael came along. I've spent most of my life planning out my suicide - thinking of ways I could just end it all without causing anyone around me harm, but my boyfriend taught me it wasn't necessary. He makes me feel alive, like I was meant to be breathing in this cruel world. It's dangerous, hopeless and a terrible place overall, but Michael makes every bad thing disappear. And he has yet to find that out, after months of knowing on another.
I walked back to the lake and took a seat on the edge of the wooden deck, dangling my bare feet into the grimy water. I used to be against germs, but I've come to accept them. The only translucent thing I could see was Michael sleeping soundly in the rented out, deleterious bed, his arms holding thin air. I felt bad, of course, leaving him stranded inside of the cabin to rest peacefully, but he didn't deserve it. He could freak out when he wakes up for all I know.
I needed time to breathe on my own without somebody questioning me for it - which is exactly why I was sitting six feet under the stars, next to the canoe that Michael and I rode in last night, on top of the uncomfortable deck that was somehow more cozy than the indoor mattress, and I just thought about life and how it can do some pretty terrible things. I've been hurt plenty of times before, and I hated the fact that I grew so attached to somebody who may end up leaving me in the future.
At the moment, Michael seems like leaving me is far from being one of his options, but that's because it's the present. He doesn't entirely know what he's getting him into because I'm a mess. I'm this beautiful disaster that isn't really beautiful but is perceived to be. Yet somehow, after pointing out thousands of flaws within me that could take seconds to find, Michael still finds me impeccably and insanely perfect. And it doesn't make any sense to me to this day, but I won't question him on it. He seems to know what he's talking about.
I found myself wanting to cry over the bad things, but instead, I began smiling, thinking about how I've been gifted with good things, with Michael Clifford. And having Michael is something everyone would ask for, even if he denies it, because he's the best damn thing that's ever happened to me. I'm the shadow to his light and he still believes I guide him away from the darkness. I can already tell we're meant for each other, and I'm forever grateful for it.
I was so caught up in my mind that I didn't realize Michael's hand was resting on my right shoulder, and while it would have originally startled me, it didn't. I just found his touch that comforting, because he sparked something inside of me that I definitely didn't have before.
"Are you alright?"
I patted the spot beside me on the deck and he instantly got the message that I wanted him to join me, despite it being nearly four in the morning.
"I'm great now that you're here."
"Couldn't sleep?" Michael asked again, that same small smile curving onto his face as though it were meant to be permanently engraved there. As though he wasn't meant to be sad, because I'm his key to happiness.
"No. I'm guessing you couldn't either?"
"Being in your arms helped, but no, not really."
Michael scooted closer towards me, and I admired the way his hair fell slightly in front of his face as the moon glistened in his eyes. You could see every star, every constellation, every galaxy and every planet in his green eyes, and it was something I couldn't explain as easily I could explain why I love him, but even that's hard. There's so many reasons to love Michael Gordon Clifford, and him taking time out of his sleeping schedule to join me is definitely one of them.
"Sometimes, I wish I could have this forever," Michael mumbled as he gazed out at the world around us, his fingers messily tangling between mine as an attempt to calm me down. It worked.
"Have what?"
"Not having to hide away from people because we're alone and nobody can judge us for it. I wish I could be here forever, with you."
"What are you saying?"
"I want to be with you for the rest of my life, Calum, here, with you, forever."
"I-"
"You don't have to say anything beautiful," Michael mumbled quietly as he rested his head against my shoulder, "being with you is enough."
-
It was morning now, and I knew it'd be smart to return home and explain to my parents that I decided to go on a walk and ended up getting lost. But knowing them, they probably wouldn't believe me and Mali would outsmart me by telling them I was out with Michael because she knows I can't stay away, no matter how hard I try.
But I didn't want to leave.
I wanted to be in his arms for eternity, just feeling his warmth radiating into the air and landing back on me and it was comforting. It was more comforting than drawing in my journal to get rid of the demons, more comforting than my favorite torn up hoodie that needs to be thrown away, more comforting than that steaming cup of peppermint tea that I used to drink on a daily basis to calm my nerves. Michael Clifford is more comforting than life itself and I love him for it. I love him with every breath, every touch, every word, every action, every step, every movement, ever gesture, every kiss, everything.
"You know, you never fully explained to me why you were afraid of mirrors," Michael stated as he flipped through his phone and smiled down at the picture of us. He then showed it to me and I had to admit, it really was beautiful. I felt genuinely happy that day, even though I was trying to hide it. And the flower crown really stood out on the two of us, which made the moment even more beautiful than we had originally thought it was.
"I uh - it's complicated."
"You don't have to tell me, Calum. I understand that you were bullied and I hate whoever treated you that way because you really don't deserve it. You deserve every great thing life has to offer and I hope you don't get stuck in a situation like that, again. Because god babe, you mean so damn much to me and I would kill to see you smiling all the time."
"B-Bryan."
"What?" Michael reiterated, his eyebrows furrowing slowly in bewilderment. It was so hard trying to explain, but he deserved to know why I was afraid, if he was doing so much as to heal me from any sort of pain I've ever felt in my lifetime.
"We were dating a while back and he was everything to me, or I thought he was. He was my first kiss, my first boyfriend and t-the first person I wanted to give my virginity to," I muttered, seeing that Michael was growing jealous already, "and I wanted to give him everything I had because he was my whole fucking world, Michael. He really was."
"I'm listening," Michael whispered while grabbing onto my hand, because he could tell I was already starting to cry, but I managed to push the tears away like I usually do.
"On our one year anniversary, he asked me to go out and pick up something he ordered for me at one of the flower shops, which just so happens to be the place you took me and that's why I was so hesitant about being there to begin with, but that's not the point. I went down there to get the bouquet he claimed he ordered for me, which considered of a dozen roses or whatever the number was, and the girl working at the front desk told me there wasn't an order for me, so I thought I had the wrong place."
Michael looked uneasy about all of this, but he deserved to know. If he's going to piece me back slowly, he needs to know what caused everything in the first place.
"I tried calling him five times after that, asking for him to send me directions to the actual flower place since I had the wrong one, but he never answered. So I went down to his house, and his curtains were closed and his door was locked and I thought that was unusual. I knew where he hid his spare key though, so of course I used it and walked inside of his house, but I began to regret it immediately. All of the gifts I spent months making for him were in the trash. Those gifts took so much of my fucking time, Michael. They were picture albums from Polaroids we took on all of our dates, they were bracelets I made out of string and miscellaneous objects I found lying around in my room or inside of craft stores, they were promise rings that I saved up for. And he just threw them away."
"What the fuck?"
"I'm not finished," I sniffled, feeling angry that he betrayed me after a year of being together, "I figured maybe his dog did it and it was just some sort of mistake. But I was so fucking wrong. You know why?"
"Why?" Michael reiterated, shakily.
"I caught him fucking another girl in his bed. And I ended up leaving faster than I can remember, Michael. I left so damn fast and he didn't even come after me. He didn't bother trying to explain that she came onto him or whatever. He cheated on me."
"I-I'm so sorry, baby."
"He came by a couple of days after, and I looked for all sorts of signs of misery, of red eyes from crying or of a sympathetic smile at least, but there was nothing. I invited him in, asked him if he wanted something to drink or to eat because I was still the nice guy, you know? I still cared about him. He denied my question though and just sat down on my couch, acting like he owned the place. And he started calling me fat, Michael. He said I was never enough for him because I was just some ugly, gay fat boy that was desperate for attention. Bryan never loved me. He never fucking loved me."
"Calum, baby," Michael muttered as he began to cling onto me, noticing that I was shaking intensely. I couldn't help it, I was angry, because he's the reason I became anorexic. He's the reason I stopped looking into mirrors, stopped taking pictures. He's why I covered every sort of hint inside of my house that he was right. He's why I wanted to die, why I never wanted to grow attached to anybody afterwards.
"He didn't deserve you, you know that right?"
"I think I do now."
"No, Calum. Love isn't pushing somebody away on your anniversary to go pick up some sort of false advertisement, just to return to the one you thought you fell in love with having sex with a girl. Love isn't fighting for somebody's attention when they don't even want it. Baby, love is knowing you find comfort in the person holding you when you need it the most. Love is knowing that you can come home without feeling afraid that your partner is cheating on you. Love is knowing that they still think you're beautiful, even after they've seen all of your flaws and still find perfection in every single thing."
"I think I know what love is now," I whispered, squeezing his hand tightly, "love is you."
"Yeah?" Michael asked, a hopeful smile on his face. He tried to act calm, but I could tell his heart was racing.
"Yeah, love is wanting to be with that person for the rest of your life, with them, forever."
"Y-You want to be with me forever?"
"I do, because you make me feel infinite, Michael. And that's all I could have ever asked for."
-
A/N;
One chapter and an epilogue left.
How do you guys feel after reading this? I really want to know bc comments make me happy and without comments, I lose hope for this story.
Do you hate Bryan as much as I do? Such a fucking dick. But I finally brought him back up after like thirty chapters.
don't forget to leave a comment and a vote and just know ily guys so damn much. 💕