This is a one shot (for a compititon) written for Handcuffs, Kisses and Awkward Situations by LovelyLivvi (Olivia Harvard). If you haven't checked it out already, you really should as it's an amazing book! You should be able to find it under the external link. This one shot is written from the point of view of Caine Wright and is set between parts 1 and 2 of the real book. Any bits of information or parts of the story in the second part were not taken into account. On the right is a picture of Wade Poezyn who is cast as Caine and the song 'If you were gay' by Avenue Q which is kind of featured in this story. (Please don't ask how I cam across that song :p ) I apologise in advance for any mistakes :)
~ Caine ~
Some songs really deserved to rot in the fiery pits of hell.
Or at least somewhere that is far away enough that your friends can't get a hold of them and assign them as your ringtone. Even if the damn place was worse than hell and even if the song was deeply suffering (if that's possible) I really wouldn't care because like I said, some songs deserve it.
"If you were gay, that'd be ok. I mean cause, hey! I'd like you anyway-"
Once upon a time in a galaxy far far away, Ryder actually had the guts to make it go off when I was hooking up with a girl at a party. Needless to say, she slapped me in the face and didn't talk to me again; well at least not in the way I would have wanted her to talk to me. Instead, she took it upon herself to find me a bunch of gay dudes who were looking for a boyfriend. It took me about a month to convince her that I was straight. That didn't actually help me get into her pants either though, being she slapped me in the face and yelled at me for lying to her. Why did some girls have to be so thick in the head? A rock had more sense than she did.
As you can see, things went pretty well between us. Yeah, right. Not that I would've actually asked her out or anything. She was more of a one night thing. There was only ever one girl I wanted in that way and of course it had to be that girl who was head over heels for my best friend.
Again, that was a long time ago and a lot had happened since I went out to parties.
Barely able to contain my groaning, I instantly picked up my phone before I had to listen to any more of that murder worthy song. I mean seriously, who the heck writes a song like that. Whoever it was really needed to be interrogated for motives as to why they wanted to inflict earache on all those ho were lucky enough to listen to it. Shoving away the gauze, scissors and wipes I was using to mop up the delicious looking pus from around where that creep slashed his knife, I clicked the green button.
"I really wish you'd stop changing your contact ringtone back to that gay one whenever I try get rid of it," I sighed.
"Hey, you know how I hooked you up with Lisa Holmes at that party last year?" Ryder asked casually, completely ignoring what I'd said.
Shit, what has he done now? As if going ahead and kissing her and confessing his love in the middle of all the crap that's happening wasn't enough.
"As much as I would love to talk about whatever girl problems you're having at the moment, I'm trying to rid my arm of pus and it really isn't easy to cut away with my left hand without stabbing myself in it."
"No, no, I'm not having girl troubles," he trailed.
I wasn't sure whether to be happy for my friend or disappointed that he and Nora were working out.
"I'm actually having boy troubles," Ryder laughed.
My eyes bulged. So that's why he put that song on my phone; because it was his way of trying to get me used to being around someone who was gay? Wait, if he was gay, then him and Nora...
"WHAT THE HECK RYDER! How could you let Nora love you if you were gay? That's just wrong on so many levels an-" I yelled before he cut me off.
"I'M NOT GAY!" he snapped back, sounding somewhat shocked and disgusted.
"Then why the heck are you having boy troubles?" I asked, confused.
"I mean little boy troubles, as in baby troubles," he sighed.
"Oh God Ryder! What'd I say about 'don't be a fool and cover your tool'?" I was having a hard time getting out the words. He and Nora actually did it, didn't they? But before I boiled over, Ryder gladly cut off the thoughts that I really didn't want in my head.
"What's wrong with you man?" he almost screeched. "You're acting like a little girl!"
That shut me up alright.
Ryder sighed. "Okay, one, Nora is NOT pregnant. Two, I think you actually said 'don't be silly and cover your willy' but it doesn't matter. Three, we haven't needed that advice and four, it's Eve's son we're looking after you idiot." I swear Ryder was trying as hard as he could to get that all out in less than five seconds as he was panting like an old man afterwards.
"Oh so who's the girl now? You sound like a stressed out mum!" I chuckled.
"Shut up," he moaned.
Then in the distance on the other end of the line, a weird screeching sound was made that sounded very much like a cat giving birth and then a loud frustrated groan that I assumed was Nora.
"So what's the trouble with Ham?" I sighed.
"Oh you know babies, they sleep, they cry, they... uh..." Ryder trailed.
"Poop?" I finished with an eyebrow raised.
"Yea... that..." he trailed again.
"Don't tell me you have a thing against poo," I laughed.
"Well, you know, it's poo," he defended.
"So? Everyone does it," I laughed again.
"Yes but have you seen baby poo?" I swear he just shivered.
"No," I frowned.
As a matter of fact I hadn't seen baby poo. Normally when a mum was changing a diaper around me I veered away to a safe distance so I didn't feel like I was about to accidentally stare awkwardly at the baby's crap. Personally, I didn't think it was such a bad idea, being one of my cousins once stood too close and the mother asked him to change the diaper for her.
"Oh man, it's bad; it's this real weird yellowish brown colour and-"
Thankfully, he was cut off again by a series of groans and screams which got me a little more concerned.
"And you are sharing this with me, why?" I screwed up my nose.
"Because you owe me," he said bluntly and matter-of-factly as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.
"For what?" I frowned.
"Like I said, I hooked you up with Lisa Holmes and after I did it you said something like 'oh gee, thans ma I owe yo,'" he mimicked me in my drunken state.
Actually, I wasn't sure I said that at all although I was pretty out of it then so it wouldn't have surprised me. Just as well though, I talked with Lisa the next day and she turned out to be more boring than sitting down and watching the grass as it grows.
"Hey nah that's not fair, that girl was so boring I would have rather gone into the back yard and hooked up with a tree," I groaned.
"Wow, that really wasn't an image I needed in my head," Ryder said bluntly which made me laugh.
"You still owe me though, whether she had the excitement of a rock or not," he continued.
"And so now you want me to clean up Ham's crap because your too much of a wuss to do it yourself?" I half chuckled. "Wow, I can see Nora's dating a true man."
I knew that'd hit a sore spot for Ryder. Or actually any dude who didn't want their manliness questioned wouldn't have liked that statement either. This included most normal guys who took pride in being of the male species.
"Just because I want to see your face when you stick your nose into the kid's crap doesn't make me a wuss," Ryder reasoned. "What's the point in doing it myself when I have an idiot of a mate who would be happy doing this job because he isn't man enough for most other things."
That was low, picking up my own joke and chucking it back in my face. Seriously, I thought Ryder was better than that. He must be seriously beaten up from all the crap that was going on, (including the kind that emerged from Hamish's ass). His Dad being back in town really didn't help the fact that we already had enough on our hands without him coming in to mess it all up more than it already was.
Sighing, I gave up.
"Ok, bu-" I started before a pretty reasonable thought stopped me. "Why isn't Nora doing this? Isn't it meant to be her babysitting?"
"Yeah, but it's pretty hard changing a diaper when she's busy chucking up her food from the past five weeks," Ryder sighed obviously feeling sympathetic and a but helpless for his sick girlfriend.
Ouch. That was hard thinking about. The annoying fact that she was his girlfriend. The thought was quickly shoved out of my head though as a charming vomiting sound came through the phone to confirm what Ryder said.
A loud wail came from Ham again, and with a sigh I gave in.
"Fine, I'll be there in five."
"Like hell you will be," Ryder replied before I hung up.
Rolling my eyes, I packed up the stuff I was using to deal with my cut and chucked it into the back of my closet which, by the way, is a place that no one ever dares to go. For all we know, Narnia could be in the back of that thing.
After scrunching my nose up at the back seat that nearly had a woman giving birth on it, I hopped into my car and backed down the drive. Honestly, I felt like I'd saved little Hamish that i deserved to be looked up to like a Greek god. Or at least as Super-Caine or something, yeah that'd be cool.
~~******~~
I didn't bother knocking on the door before I went inside Nora's house. What was the point in knocking when I was just going to be welcomed inside anyway?
"Honey! I'm home!" I called to announce my entrance.
"Says the guy who called me gay!" Ryder called back, a smirk on his face when I walked into the lounge.
"Well that was rude of you, I was actually talking to the lady in the house," I said pretending to act astonished, gasping dramatically for affect.
"Why, how quickly you dismiss our love!" Ryder gasped back with a smirk to show he was just kidding.
I chuckled. "Nora, looking beautiful as always," I smiled warmly at her sitting on the arm chair in the corner with a towel and a rather large bowl resting on her lap.
She just rolled her eyes. Was it weird to say that I actually meant it? Even if her hair was all straw like and shoved up into a messy bun that was falling off the side of her head. Even if her face was pale from throwing up and even if she stunk like puke. She still looked beautiful. At least, if I couldn't have her, she was still with someone who believed it too, even if she didn't.
"Gee thanks," she said sourly, flicking her hair with sarcasm. This of course didn't work because her hair was tied up in a bun, so really she just flirtatiously flicked the air. Quickly noticing this, she blushed, embarrassed and looked down at her bowl.
That was Nora alright. Taking a joke or a sweet moment and turning it into something awkward.
I think Ryder was about to say something, probably something along the lines of how I shouldn't be flirting with his girlfriend. However before he got the chance to say anything, the sound of Ham's wailing from the cot he was lying in against the wall cut him off.
With a groan, Nora threw up into her bowl again. She had this pained expression on her face that told us that she wasn't feeling so great (which I wasn't surprised about being she just chucked up whatever food was still left inside of her). Ryder went over to give her a hug and a kiss on the cheek causing her to turn into a bit of a tomato in the face and me to look away, feeling awkward.
"Now, now children, no PDA around the baby," I said in my best 40-year-old man voice and went to pick Ham up out of his cot leaving Nora blushing and Ryder looking content with ignoring me and watching Nora instead.
Meanwhile, Hamish was still wailing like a sick cat and with the weight of his diaper I could see why. Not only was it heavy but it stank like it'd been there for several weeks.
"When was the last time this guy had his diaper changed?" I asked screwing my nose up and moving to place him on the table.
"No stop!" Nora croaked out suddenly.
"Why?" I frowned, Ham still hanging awkwardly in the air from my arms that were holding him and his stench as far away as possible.
"Tables are for glasses, not for asses!" she exclaimed.
Chuckling I rolled my eyes and placed him gently onto the ground.
"So uh, how do you take off this diaper? Does it slide off? Or..." I trailed, looking over the nappy.
"You pull the sticky tab things on the side," Ryder explained.
"I still don't see why you can't just do this," I rolled my eyes.
"I'm taking care of Nora," he said looking shocked at the fact I'd asked and wrapped his arms around her as he sat on the side of her armchair.
Nora settled in his arms and leaned her chin over his shoulder to look down at Hamish as he continued to wail.
As I pulled at the two tabs on either side of the nappy, my nose was greeted with a horrible stench that was worse than the smell that comes from the kitchen whenever Dad tries k cook food; I groaned and wacked my hand around in front of my screwed up nose as if it would bat away the smell. However, my hand batting was soon stopped short with the sound of vomit coming from Nora.
"Oh crap!" she muttered.
"What?" I asked, looking up at her but what I saw answered it for me.
"It's okay, don't worry about it," Ryder cringed, unwrapping his arms from his very red faced girlfriend, careful to make sure he was still leaning over so that the vomit on his back didn't dribble onto the carpet.
"It's not ok!" she exclaimed. "I just vomited down your back!"
She thumped her forehead and groaned before trying to get up and wipe it off with the towel lying on her lap.
"Nora, seriously it's fine," he half smiled at her which made a small smile creep up onto her still pink face.
I, however just cracked up laughing which earned me a glare from Ryder. I pulled my hands up in a surrender position but still couldn't stop the laughter erupting from my chest. Then, to everyone's surprise, Ham stopped crying.
He actually stopped crying and then just looked up at me with big eyes and this weird confused face that was actually kind of cute and made him vaguely resemble Nora.
"Look, he looks like you," I chuckled, looking at Nora.
Nora didn't seem to hear, she was too busy looking at her nephew with a mixture of love and confusion.
"You made him stop laughing..." she trailed.
"Either that or he was just shocked that I removed the only thing covering his little baby butt," I smirked.
"Yeah, about that, you might need some wipes," Nora cringed.
"So do you," I laughed at Ryder.
Ryder looked confused for a second before I indicated to his back reminding him he still had puke on it, which made Nora look down at her bowl again.
"Hold onto your nickers ladies! I'm taking my top off!" Ryder yelled causing Nora's eyes to bulge and her cheeks to redden again.
I just chuckled, did a girly gasp and grasped onto the waist of my pants sarcastically as he took his top off.
"Don't suppose I can pop this in the wash?" he raised an eyebrow at Nora.
"Not at all," she replied, although I could tell she was having a hard time keeping her eyes trained on his and not on his chest.
If he noticed, he didn't tell her and just smiled as he wandered off to the laundry.
"Um, so those wipes... where do you keep them?" I trailed looking around the room awkwardly.
"In the bag in the corner," she replied as indicating with her head to a black backpack that had been unceremoniously chucked to the side. She was refusing to take her eyes off her bowl and was staring at it intensely as if she could make it explode.
"You're blushing," I pointed out with a nervous chuckle.
She looked up to me and glared, although I could tell she was trying not to smile.
"Shut up," she barely whispered, covering her cheeks with the backs of her hands.
In that moment I was half glad Nora wasn't my girlfriend. I mean, I loved her but I knew I wanted her to be happy and there was no way I'd ever be able to turn her face into a cute little tomato like Ryder could. More than I wanted her to be mine, I wanted her to be in love with the right person. In that moment, I knew that person wasn't me.