Steven the boy who had great lips...I was in like with him giving him half my love and the rest to keep. Everything with him was chemistry I didn't have to second think whether I wanted him to hold me or hold my hand, but one thing I never let him do was kiss me, i know weird...even ironic but maybe you as the reader will know why as you keep reading...
Our conversations were really as if it was just me and him in a world that had become desserted.
It was just us.
Nothing could change that...
Maybe there was something that could change that and something that our chemistry couldn't keep together...
My insecurities of not being good enough, pretty enough...
It wasn't love if I felt this way yet I conssumed our relationship as if it were honey and it would automatically cure me...
Cure me of my self-hate, but what I have learned is that no one can really save you from your own self-hate even when you have someone that tells you "I love you" because even then you still can't believe these three small yet crushing words.
I was desperate for a cure...
A battle to be won...
but this battle was just between me and the the demon in my head...
Our first date: letter to him i never sent
we met behind a church it was spontaneous and misleading... Yet I loved the mistery and beauty of the bright blue wall of the cjurch building...
You told me 'close your eyes', I found this to be super corny and cute at once yet I knew you were hidding something behind your back and I was curious as to know what you had behind your back so I did as I was told...
You said ' Open them, now' in a really sweet voice i did as i faked a smile on my face and to my surprise you were holding a small bucket of icecream... i smiled this time for real... I looked at you and you already looking at me said, ' Yes,i remembered you said that you liked icecream and all i want to do is see you smile'
I grabbed the icecream with so much Joy that i forgot to even say thank you, you jokingly said, ' You forgot to say thank you' and i did.
I remember feeling happy content with the moment...
If maybe the moment were to last longer maybe I wouldn't have pushed you away after I told you what I did to myself to cope with the pain I felt inside. I actually told you every hidden secret of my hurt to you and all you could do was tell me 'why?' and ' i'm sorry'
Later on November 24, I sent you a text message saying " hey, I think is best for us to take a break and meet other people" I remember because it was also your birthday. I hadn't wanted for that to happen but I figured it wouldn't matter since I've convinced myself that you never actually like me so it wouldn't hurt you.
I was wrong or was I just imagining it because last time I bumped into you, you seemed hurt your eyes were watery red and your voice sounded broken.... maybe it was drugs that you had conssumed so I lied and said yes... even though it wasn't a complete lie.
3 Months after I was a sophmore now
I remember feeling cold and not the kind of cold when winter is here or the AC is on the kinda cold that makes you feel lonely. I held all the sadness inside my heart. Imagine having to take that in and no one having a clue that you yourself were a timing bomb... but all they saw was sunrise.
He was a Junior (grade 11) and his name was after a movie title I thought it was halarious and I made it obvious to him that his name was indeed funny...
He loved reading books... JUST LIKE ME!!!! and he loved old classic rock music, WHICH WAS OKAY WITH ME BECAUSE SO DID I!!! he worked out and that really wasn't a problem with me but beyond that he made me laugh and he always brought out the happy out of me... He had this mystery to him and I LOVED THAT!!! and othertimes... somehow I wanted him to know my sadness... It was like this intensity of knowing that he was the one, the one who could make my demons in my head go silent.... I just wanted someone to know that I was battling my thoughts and I didn't want to face them alone...
But I never did....
We could go on nights talking about nothing and everything all at once, and I learnd to keep this type of person because no one is really willing to sacrifice their sleep if they didn't really care about you or letting you go to sleep without first putting a smile on your face.
Our last date: Also when he asked me to be his girlfriend.
It was The begining of June the last days of school, we planned on going to the park and he was walking along side of me we were heading back to school and he stopped me... and grabbed me from my shoulders...
He blurted out ' Do you like me? '
yes, as a friend I thought but replied with ' Yes ' only
' Do you want to be my girlfriend? '
Without thinking i said YES and you smiled so bright that you were going for a hug but i stopped you telling you I didn't like hugs, you said ' Okay '
But then you asked if we could kiss?, i said NO and you asked what about holding hands? and I said NO
I told you about my ex boyfriend and you told me that you would take care of me just because you were my boyfriend now... and then
You screamed from the top of your lungs ' SHE'S MY GIRLFRIEND!!! '
One of the things I said to him was: ' If I just lay here, will you bring me food' and he replied with ' yes, always' I liked how it was so easy to talk to him I really didn't have to hide from him....
But the only thing that seemed to be fading was my love for him...
I didn't know why, maybe it was the fact that I wasn't used to this much love?
When he first said ' I love you' i pretended like I didn't hear because I didn't want to have to say it back... I knew i didn't love him but I did like him... so I kept the relationship going because somehow a part of me wanted to be with him because he was comforting...
I started to avoid him whenever I saw him and I started ignoring his text messages(but he gave up), this was around October around his birthday, and I was a Junior and he was a senior (12 grade) and we were in second semester I had also met him in second semester and i loved it because I could finally have a happy moment.
But I was avoiding him and I didn't want to break up with him through text and i din't want to talk to him and tell him because he might have caused a show. But I wanted him to fight for me, I wanted him to spam my phone until he got my attention.
I guess I wanted to see if he'd actually care for me, is that wrong? To seeif he'dfight for me but I don't know what happened...
So it was over in my head...
Our relationship was over I eliminated myself from his life because I no longer had contact with him and no more feelings for him...
Then I saw him, he was in my gym class and he was with a pretty skinny girl that almost resembled to Alice in wonderland without the Blonde hair or the headbandand and a boy with incredible slick back hair and glasses.
But I remembered him and I knew it was destiny...
For coming attractions: next i'll be talking about this mystery guy and the girl will remain reserved not fully but some of her story will be told.
(((( written on June 16, 12:19 a.m )))