I thought Kenney was going to leave me high and dry, but he didn't. He was the best coach a girl could ever ask for. All calm and cool while Collin would have been bouncing around talking about "That's my boy! Kickin' ass and taking names!" every time I had a contraction. Kenney was just...Kenney. My Kenney. Same dude he'd always been. Same dude I knew he always would be. He wasn't going to put up with my crap anymore, and I knew that. He'd apologize all day long for the way he had talked to me, but he wasn't sorry for what he said. Me and baby had to go. We all knew it, now just wasn't the time or place to figure it out.
It was a silent understanding between us that was never mentioned again, just like the silent understanding that I could always stay if I wanted to, without the drama. That was actually what I knew Kenney was hoping for, behind that expressionless gaze, but I knew that wouldn't be what was best for anyone.
I knew it for sure when I saw the way that Kenney reacted to the baby's first breath. He actually shed a tear. He just stared at her for the longest time, and then he left the room. He didn't come back in again until after they had taken the baby back out.
"So...all this time Charlie Brown was a girl." I looked over at him as he sat down in a chair by the bed and gazed at me silently. "Kenney, you ok?"
He shook his head no and another tear dropped.
"What's wrong?" I took his hand in mine. There was a hell of a lot wrong in that moment, and we both knew it. But I wasn't sure what could have possibly made stone faced Kenney shed a tear twice in one day.
"She's really beautiful," he said finally and looked straight into my eyes. "Looks just like you."
"Yeah?" I hadn't really gotten a chance to get a good look at her before they took her away to clean her off.
"Yeah." He nodded and another tear dropped. What the cuff was going through his mind? It was impossible to read his face.
He ran a gentle hand over my hair and kissed my forehead.
"I love you so much Natasha. I always will."
Oh shit. Was he saying good-bye now?
I just looked at him, now blinking back my own tears. When they brought the baby back in and handed her to me, Kenney stood up without looking at her.
"Kenney, don't you want to hold your little homie?"
He shook his head no and his face crumbled. He looked devastated and I finally realized that he didn't want to look at her because he didn't want to love her any more than he already did. It must have taken everything Kenney had to accept the fact that she was mine, not his, and if I wanted to take her back to that fool Collin that was my right and there was nothing he could do about it.
Around that time, my parents burst into the room, causing all kinds of commotion. I looked from Kenney to them, and then back to Kenney. Then I saw a slight movement in the doorway and gasped, "Oh my God," much like when I was praying for help. "Collin."
Kenney, noting the tone of my voice, stepped forward just as Collin moved toward me. Collin kind of paused, and then looked at my dad, who still had no idea what kind of hell the man that he had just brought into the room had put me through. My mom looked up, too, and then looked over at Kenney, noting that he appeared to be blocking Collin's way over to us.
"Kenney," she began innocently, but knowing my mom, she knew exactly what she was saying. "What are you doing? That's his baby, not yours."
Kenney kind of blinked, as if snapping out of an extremely internal thought. Then he turned to my mom, but not before catching Collin's cocky smirk and my dad's defensive "Don't start no shit with my wife son," stance. I'll never forget how Kenney looked at my dad right then, like he was pleading for him to realize what was really going on, and that he got the wrong guy. Then, not getting anything further out of my dad, Kenney turned to me and waited for me to speak before moving.
I looked back at him, and didn't know what else to say in front of all of them other than, "It's ok, Kenney."
I saw my parents share a questioning glance. Collin once again smirked cockily at Kenney like "This my family, son. Move on." But the only look that mattered right then was Kenney's, and I knew then and there that he was done. All the way done. He gave one final glance to everyone but the baby, and then moved out of Collin's way. Then, after staring Collin down as he walked past like he wanted to smash his fist all the way through Collin's face, he left the room without another word.
Collin, of course, was a jerk about the baby being a girl and not the boy that he just knew he was about to parade around to all his friends. But he loved her, I could tell. I hoped against hope that he still loved me, too.
Kenney came back the next day while I was nursing the baby. He turned beet red and walked right back out of the room. I guess he was standing just outside the door, though, because as soon as the nurse came in and wheeled the baby back out, Kenney walked back in before the door could even close all the way behind her.
"Hey Bud."
"Hey."
He didn't say anything else as he walked over and sat down beside the bed, so I tried to fill the silence with baby stories. There were just so many of them already and she had only been here for a day.
"Kenney, I wanted to tell you that I named her..."
Kenney put his hand up to stop me. I could see in his eyes that I was making whatever he was there for harder than it had to be. I silently wondered if he had my stuff in the car and was there to drop it off at the hospital.
"Natasha...I'm leaving on business for like a month, so..." He faltered a little when my face fell, but he kept his steady gaze directly on my eyes and continued. "So, listen, you have your key with you?" I nodded. "Cool. So, uh...I'm out. Take your time and everything. Like I said, mi casa es su casa. Don't bring that fool in my house, of course." He looked at me and waited for my verbal agreement.
"Of course," was all I could get out.
"...and if you're still there when I get back, then I'll know..." I shook my head and broke his gaze. He was ripping my heart in two, but it had to be done. "Well, I hope you and the baby are still there, but if you're not, it's cool. I'll understand."
I knew it wasn't cool, I knew he didn't understand, and I had heard him take on that nonchalant tone when discussing things that were too painful to think about more times than I could count. Again, I wanted to kill myself for putting him through this. All he ever wanted to do was be a good friend to me.
"So..." he was still watching me closely when I looked back his way. "Guess I'll see you around then. Do you need anything? Like...anything?" I shook my head no. "And your parents, they're staying for a while to help out, right?" I nodded yes. "Cool, cool." He looked slightly more at ease knowing that they were in town now. "Aunt Jasmine's here, too, if you need her. You can call her for anything at all. Anything..." I nodded again. "Well, then, your parents are more than welcome to stay at the crib, too... Just not that damn fool." Kenney couldn't even say his name.
"Ok," I fought tears, but they came anyway.
Kenney looked like he wasn't affected one way or the other by the very things that were ripping me all the way apart, but his hand was shaking when he ran it gently over my hair one last time and softly kissed my forehead. Then he looked down at my still slightly round belly and said "Try to get him to walk with you." I nodded and felt suddenly like I was falling into a very dark hole.
"Kenney..." He looked at me for the longest time, and I knew that he knew I was having an anxiety attack. He waited and waited. But he had never been the type to impose his help on anyone, so when I didn't ask for it and finally looked away, he kissed my forehead one more time and stood up.
"Aight then, darlin'. I'm out."
And with that he walked out of the door without another word.