One sunny afternoon, somewhere around the middle of my third trimester, Kenney took off work early and surprised me with a seaside picnic. I sighed deeply, full of peace that day for the first time in what seemed like years. The longer I was with Kenney, the less I thought about Collin. And the less I thought about Collin, the more I hoped that I would never go back to him. Kenney made me feel...safe. Collin didn't.
Well, I can't say that I stopped thinking about Collin completely. I just stopped thinking about him in the way that I used to. It was now more like we were something crazy that I saw on the side of the road one day, and then spent the rest of the day trying to figure out what it was that I saw. I was contemplating what, exactly, had happened between us when I decided once and for all that I just...didn't care anymore. That was the night before the little seaside excursion Kenney took me on. It made me feel good to finally make a decision about Collin.
And it made me want to write about it.
So I did.
It was short and sweet.
"Hey, Kenney," He looked over at me, just as peacefully as I was looking at him. "So...I wrote about Collin last night." He rolled his eyes and kept eating. "Want to hear it?"
"Sure." I could tell he didn't, but I wanted to read it to him anyway. Kenney had become my...you know when you put a message in a bottle and then send it out into the ocean? Writing for me was like putting a message in a bottle and reading it to Kenney was like asking the ocean to take it far, far away.
"It's called 'Memories.'" Kenney rolled his eyes again. I ignored it. "You're a candle in the wind/ Ashes on the sea./ You don't know how much I miss you/ Because you can never come back to me./ You're an autumn leaf falling to the ground,/ Still I could never forget you.../ Even though you're not around./ You are every star in the sky,/ Every song in my baby's cry./ I used to actually care about you,/ But I can't for the life of me/ Remember why."
I closed the book and looked at him, waiting for him to react some kind of way. But he didn't. He just sat there, staring at me blankly, until he blinked a few times and changed the subject.
"Enough about that fool. I'ma need you to write something about me, Tashi. I am the shit." He punctuated every word with quiet deliberation, popped his collar cockily and almost spit his food out when he tried to go back to eating without laughing.
"That you are." I ran a hand softly along his cheek. "That you are."
He looked at me kind of surprised and confused, but didn't say anything. When a tear fell from my eye, he wiped it away silently. When another came he just shook his head and looked back out over the water.
"Kenney?"
"Yeah." He looked at me like he knew it was about to be some bull.
"Why doesn't he want me?"
His face softened. "I don't know." He took my hand and started playing with my fingers. "Natasha..." For a second he looked like he wasn't going to say anything beyond that. "I...I want you, Natasha. I want you. I always have..."
That was the last thing that I expected him to say. "Kenney..."
"I've always wanted you, Tashi. You know that. Before and after anyone else, I've always wanted you."
"Kenney..." I didn't know what to say.
He understood that and pushed the conversation past us. "Collin's a sucker." He smiled at me, broke an oversized cookie in half and offered me the big piece.
I took the small piece. "Thanks." For some reason, I wanted to kiss him so bad right then. Blame it on my baby's love for soft chocolate chip cookies, I guess.
Kenney took the small piece back and put the big piece in my hand. "Girl, quit trippin'. You know you over there eatin' for two." He took a huge bite and spoke into my belly, cookie crumbs flying everywhere. "Ain't that right lil buddy."
The baby apparently agreed and kicked me in the rib. Hard. I dropped the cookie and grabbed my side. Then I started laughing and mumbled "Little fucker!"
Kenney chuckled. "Word is bond kid, word is bond." And gave a little fist bump with his thumb to where he figured the baby's fist was. "Tashi, watch your mouth around my nephew." And then he kept on eating like the previous subject was officially dropped. I went along with it and did the same.
The next morning I laughed so hard I almost wet my pants (again, blame it on the baby) when Kenney walked past me on his way to church and realized that I was sitting on the couch, already dressed and ready to roll. I was sitting so still that he almost didn't see me. When he did finally notice, I could almost hear him screech to a halt like Wile E. Coyote just realizing that he had stepped off of a cliff.
"Tashi." He said it like he had just caught me red handed breaking into his house. "Damn you look good, sweetie."
I suddenly wondered when he had started cussing so much, but at the time, it was just a passing thought.
His grin was from ear to ear. Kenney, in his decision to make us a family and to become the head of our household, had taken it upon himself to bring home new outfits for every size that I grew into. I think he liked maternity shopping more than I did – well, obviously, since I hated it - and it never missed me that every fourth outfit that he brought home was a church dress. I just didn't want to go to church.
Until then.
"Ready?" I asked brightly, like we went to church together every Sunday.
"Um...yeah." He still looked bewildered.
I had actually been sitting there waiting for him for hours, having not been able to sleep the night before. There were just so many things on my mind. Collin being the biggest thing. And Kenney. I loved Kenney so much. And unlike Collin, not only was Kenney always telling me that he wanted me around, but he showed me. Every chance he got. I thought about the baby a lot, too...Collin's baby...and my living situation, which had gotten...weird...
I was just so full of thoughts that night that I tossed and turned until finally I just got back up. I had cleaned the kitchen, living room, my bedroom, and two bathrooms before I could no longer deny the fact that all thoughts ultimately ran into one...that it was time to go to church. For Kenney. It was the very least I could do. And he was worth it. No matter what I thought about church and no matter what I was afraid that church would think about me, Kenney was worth it.
So I put up the cleaning supplies, took a super long shower to calm my nerves, put on what I knew was his favorite out of all the church dresses that he had bought, did my hair for the first time in I don't know how long, and then waited. I sat and I waited. Statue still, like I was a bug freezing in sudden light, hoping that no one would see me, and I waited.
When we got to church, Kenney suddenly started grinning like he used to when I knew he was about to do something that was dead wrong. But because I was new to the entire situation and didn't really know the routine, I had no choice but to follow him to almost the very front of the church – could have kicked him in his butt – and sat down beside him. We hadn't been there ten minutes before the cutest, tiniest old lady rolled up on us and just stood there, looking dead at Kenney. He acted like he was engrossed in the sick and shut-ins portion of the program, but he couldn't stop his grin from getting wider and wider. She didn't budge, either. She had to be like eighty-five years old, but I could tell that whatever Kenney had done to her, she was willing to fight him over it. Finally he got up and, without a word, went about seven rows back to where Jasmine, some dude, and what must have been Kenney's sisters - because they all looked just like him - were sitting. I followed.
Jasmine shook her head when he strolled up and kissed her. "Nephew, what did I tell you 'bout messin' wit' Ma Buck every single time you step foot in my place of worship?"
She said "my place of worship" just like she always said "my place of business," like she owned it, and like there was no foolery to be had in said place. I looked over at Kenney in disbelief. He didn't seriously come to church just to mess with some old lady every Sunday?
His cheeks must have been hurting by then from all that cheesing, and he actually laughed out loud when he turned around and Ma Buck was now sitting in the seat that we had just vacated, giving him "the look."
"She loves me, man. She loves me."
He laughed harder and winked at the little grey haired woman, clean for days in her hat and matching suit. You knew it was the suit that was matching the hat just by looking at her. She probably bought a new hat every Sunday, and then picked up a matching suit whenever she happened to come across one. Ma Buck turned quickly to hide a smile and I realized right then that she did love it when Kenney gave her a hard time. Like it was the highlight of her week. Kenney was crazy. And charming. And could wrap any woman, any woman, around his little finger.
I shook my head and smiled at Jasmine. She grinned, almost as big as Kenney and gave me a huge hug. "Bout time you came to my place of worship young sis. I missed you so much!" She squeezed me tighter, then remembered that I was pregnant and loosened her grip. I don't know how she could have forgotten, with my gigantosaurus belly very much in the way. Actually, it still wasn't that big, but the baby had very clearly made himself known by then.
"I missed you, too, Aunt Jasmine."
"Glad you finally dropped that zero and got yourself a hero," she looked teasingly over at Kenney, who was still playfully shooting looks at Ma Buck. But his smile froze and slid off his face like melting ice when he slowly turned around to look at her. It was almost like watching a cartoon, though, because by the time he had turned fully around to her, his southern hospitality mask of tolerance was set firmly into place.
"Aunt Jazz...I can't believe you just said that..." He said it so slick, without emphasis, but I knew then that she had pissed him off, because she hated for anyone to call her Jazz. Even her precious nephew. Kenney then zoned in on the man who had been sitting quietly beside Jasmine, taking it all in. Clearly, he was about to get caught in the line of fire. Kenney, looking the man directly in his eyes asked, "Who're you?" like he should probably turn back around and mind his own business right about...now. The man, to his credit, maintained direct eye contact with Kenney, and returned the same steady gaze that Kenney was giving him. Nothing more, nothing less.
"Nephew," Jasmine said, re-establishing who the authority figure was in this situation. "This is Michael." She gave an introductory gesture toward Kenney. "Michael, nephew." Kenney apparently had been given the rundown on Michael before that day, and should have already known who he was. Jasmine flashed him a look that said "not today son," and turned back to Michael.
"What's up, man. I'm Kenney." He shook the guy's hand, like the previous exchange had never happened, and then turned to his sisters. "Waddup pretty ladies!" He smoothly took everyone's attention off of the silent butt whooping that he had just received. After all that time, it still amazed me how Jasmine was the only one in the world that Kenney just would not cross. "This is Natasha."
He smiled lovingly over at me, which I thought was weird. Then, realizing what he had just done, he replaced the smile with a mask of humor and gestured toward his sisters. "Tashi, these are my sisters." He pointed from what looked like the oldest to the youngest. Although, the last two looked so close in age, they could have been twins. "Charity, Faith and Melissa." He said "Melissa" ironically, like her name was the butt of at least seven jokes, and the way she rolled her eyes let me know that he must have been doing that to her her whole life.
"Well, well," sang Charity, giving me a once over and stopping at my belly. "'Bout time we got to meet you. Kenney's been talking about you non-stop for like what? Five, six years now?"
"Yup." Melissa chimed in, letting the "p" in "yup" pop for an impressively long time. She must have still been pissed about the name jokes.
"So, are we having a niece or a nephew?" Charity continued, looking directly at Kenney and ignoring me. She was definitely the oldest of the crew, taking it upon herself to check me and Kenney both - for a multitude of things - without actually doing so.
"We don't know." Kenney said boldly and looked her dead in her eye. Their silent exchange was making me feel like there had been some previous conversation about me...and the baby...possibly a problem with us staying with him, that I wasn't aware of.
"Sit down," Jasmine leaned over and whispered to Kenney and me, like we didn't have good home training, and then she bared her teeth at Charity in warning. Charity quickly sat back in her seat and stared straight ahead. It was crazy how quickly Jasmine's face could go from kind to...animalistic.
I sat down immediately, next to Faith, who hadn't said anything past "hello," and felt close to tears like I had just been scorned by my favorite aunt. It was a weird sensation that didn't go away. As a matter of fact, as the service went on, the feeling slowly morphed into shame and embarrassment for being there and not being able to hide what at least forty percent of my...and Kenney's...problem was. Then I felt even guiltier for making me and Collin's nonsense Kenney's issue, and therefore putting yet another wedge between him and his family. I knew from years of looking into his abysmal eyes that this was the last thing that they needed.
The longer we sat there, the closer I came to tears. Especially when the pastor's sermon - most likely coincidentally, but at the time it sure didn't feel like it - boomed out across the congregation, warning us of the evils of promiscuity, premarital sex, infidelity and covenanting thy neighbor's wife.
All that.
In one sermon.
About halfway through his droning on about stuff that he was probably doing himself, while trying to purge his own guilty conscience by condemning others (this is what Collin would have said, anyway), one of Kenney's younger sisters, Faith, turned to me and put her soft hand over mine.
"I like you."
"What?" I had zoned out by then, and had to force my spirit back in from its out of body experience.
"I like you." She smiled innocently at me and I realized that those last two must have been much younger than Kenney. They seemed to have lived an entirely different life from him and his older sister. "My brother likes you," she went on without missing a beat, "so that means I like you, too. I want you for my brother. He's happy when he talks about you, and he's not happy any other time."
I just stared at her. I couldn't say anything over the lump in my throat. Finally, when the dam threatened to burst if I didn't move, fast, I jumped up and stumbled over Kenney's feet as I tried to make a beeline for the door. I must have caused quite a commotion, because a few people gasped in horror as Kenney caught me right before I fell belly-first into the pew in front of us. He released me when I hurriedly told him that I was fine and that the baby had just stepped on my bladder. He kind of chuckled and shooed me out the door. Out of the corner of my eye I saw him look accusingly at someone - had to have been Ma Buck, who was probably watching the ridiculous pregnant fool that had absolutely no place in church - and say "ssshhhh!" as he put a finger to his lips.
I just barely made it to the lobby before the tears started to fall. I mean, it was like Niagara Falls out there. I covered my mouth, trying to muffle the gut wrenching sobs. I was so embarrassed. It was bad enough that the preacher was up there talking about what was obviously me, but then I had to go and make a fool of myself and bring attention to the fact that I was damn near ready to give birth. No father in sight – or worse, they thought Kenney was the father and would start shooting him dirty looks, just like everyone had done when my face was all busted up. He acted like he didn't notice, like it didn't bother him that whenever he was around me, he was somehow accused of doing so many things that went against everything that he believed in. But I knew it bothered him.
I knew it did.
Fucking Collin.
I looked down at my seven months pregnant belly, which had been just so cute before we left the house, and all I could do was shake my head.
"Don't cry." The voice was so soft and so kind that it pulled my heart right out of my pounding chest and repositioned it gently into my tear stained hands. Ironically, it also stopped me from crying.
I looked up to see, of all people, Ma Buck standing there handing me a pack of unopened tissues. I thanked her and dried my eyes. Then I blew my nose and looked guiltily down at the tiny woman, who stood no more than 5'2, but seemed to be so much greater than me right then.
"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to disturb your service."
She smiled kindly, but didn't argue with me about it being, in fact, her service and that I had, in fact, disturbed it. Instead, she fished in her purse until she found a hard candy and handed it to me. For some reason, this also made me feel better. Then she placed a small, deliberate hand onto my belly.
"Boy or girl?"
"I...I don't know." It was my first time admitting that I didn't know for sure that the baby was a boy.
"A girl." She smiled, like an angel, down at my super swole belly and then rubbed it, almost like she was either giving the baby a blessing or rubbing my Buddha belly for luck. I couldn't tell which.
Either way it made me smile, it made the baby smile, and we both decided at the same time that Ma Buck was our new favorite person.