"If we wait until our lives are free from sorrow or difficulty, then we wait forever. And miss the entire point." - Dirk Benedict
It was early midday and Zaccaheus was tired, having slept uneasily the previous night. A recuring nightmare had returned to him. In it he'd awake to an empty apartment, Iris nowhere to be found. Each time he had this nightmare, he would do the same thing; he would wander the streets of the empty city, calling out her name, fruitlessly. And each time the nightmare would end the same way; having reached the outskirts of the city Zaccaheus would wander out into the shallows of the water and stand amongst the old buildings, and there waiting for him would be Iris, and he would call for her; relieved, elated, reaching out to touch her. But each time she turned to face him he saw a snow white face with those electrifying purple eyes, and before him she would disintegrate to a white dust, before drifting off skyward and into the starry night...
Zaccaheus observed his lunch as his fork meandered around it; a pasta dish he'd cooked himself. The sauce he'd made was too sweet, and the pasta itself over cooked. He'd put time and effort into this, but as he aparaised his rather unsatisfactory creation, he couldn't help but feel like he'd wasted his time. He wasn't enjoying the meal, and felt perhaps he should've simply asked for one. Then again, what else was he to do with his time?
There was a yawn followed by a playful voice, "Smells nice. Save some for me?"
Zaccaheus looked over his shoulder to see Iris emerge from the bedroom.
He smiled slightly, "'Course I did. Its not too good though... Its never very good without your help."
Iris beamed back at him, "Well you could use the practice. You should have woke me up to help you, its late."
"Well after last night I figured you'd want to sleep in. And its not like you'd be missing out on anything by sleeping in..."
The smile on Iris's face faltered a little as he said this, before she lumped some of the pasta onto a plate and took up a seat next to Zaccaheus. She delicately put a hand on his back and rubbed it gently as she leaned in, speaking gently, "Zac, you did the best you could to help them. I know its hard to see them like that..."
Zaccaheus shook his head, "No, Iris, thats not it. I don't..." He paused briefly and sighed, "I'm angry at her. I don't feel sorry for her. I mean, I did, but then when I got back..."
Iris was taken aback, "Angry? Why Zaccaheus? What did she do wrong? Daniel ran away from her. I'd have thought you'd feel sorry for her considering..."
"I did, I mean I still do but... I spoke to Daniel. I understood his misery and I... Look he isn't our son Iris, he wasn't our child. I had no right to do that. Yes, yes I understood why Julia wanted me to bring him back but I wasn't the one to do it. I've meddled in both of their personal lives. How do you think Daniel feels towards Julia now? Do you think he'll forgive her for that? Do you think I've made anything better between the two of them by forcing them back together?"
Iris looked shocked, mouth agape, "Zaccaheus, I... I can't believe you. 'Think he'll forgive her'? He ran away from her, he was prepared to abandon her Zac! After everything we've gone through, the pain you and I felt when Elijah left us, you'd think you'd understand!"
Zaccaheus could see where this was going. He should have stayed silent, kept his mouth shut, kept these troublesome thoughts to himself. She'd been up for only a minute and things were already going sour, "Iris forget I said anything. I don't want to talk about it anymore, please."
Iris spoke forcefully now, gripping his shoulder, "No Zaccaheus. No, I need to understand you, I need to understand this. How can you say those things about Julia? Zaccaheus she was helpless, she was desperate. You always go on about how you can't stand losing me..."
"Iris I understand shes your friend so you'd feel that way about her but..."
"No! No Zaccaheus. I just... How can you be like this? We lost a son, something neither of us has ever gotten over. I know you would do anything to get him back. Thats why you helped Julia, I though you sympathised with her. And now you tell me you're angry at her? She was a wreck Zaccaheus, and yet you're angry with her?"
Zaccaheus was frustrated now. Why did Iris care what he thought of Julia? She was blinded by their own loss, as he had been intially.
"Listen to me Iris. Elijah, he is gone. I have gotten over that. I'm not the one who won't shut up about taking up one of those nanobot bodies, and leaving this place forever to find him. He, is gone. He made his choice; he was selfish, he chose his own vain desire for immortality over us. I did sympathize with Julia, I know how it feels to loose a son, as do you. But we had no right to make that decision for Daniel," he sighed, "I should have taken Julia to see him myself, not forced him out like that. I'm not Daniel's father, I'm not his family. I've only damaged things between them. Daniel will never stay here. Julia needs to accept this and let go of him, let go like I let go of Elijah, and like you need to."
He gazed into Iris's eyes as he finished, he could see the frustration in them.
"How dare you talk about him like that. Selfish? Vain?" Her tone was rising now, "Elijah wanted us to go with him Zaccaheus. He pleaded for us to go with him, to see the future as he did. You, you were the one who insisted on staying here, you forced me to stay here with you. You were the one who was selfish... Afraid."
Zaccaheus stood up now, infuriated at the accusations, "So it's my fault? My fault we're stuck here like this; miserable? Elijah is the one who left us; who left you! I'm the one still here, I'm the one who cared!"
"Zaccaheus don't pretend you're not still here because of me... I'm still here because of you!"
Zaccaheus swiped both of their plates off of the table in a rage; Iris jumped in her seat in shock. How could she blame this on him? It wasn't his fault, it was never his fault. It was Elijah's fault; Zaccaheus's own son who himself had runaway from their world, abandoned them.
"So thats how you feel is it? That I've kept you trapped in this world? That I'm holding you here against your will?"
Iris was tearing up now, she was shaking her head profusely, whispering, pleading, "No, no Zac I didn't mean it, please..."
He pointed a finger at her aggresively now, roaring, "Julia was pathetic! Daniel was no better, but she needs to accept that hes gone from her! I brought him back but thats obliterated any chances of him wanting to stay permanently. She needs to realise that he's a lost cause, like I realised with Elijah, and like you need to! Elijah betrayed us! He succumbed to the allure of immortality, choosing the slefishness of eternal life, over us. You feel sorry for Julia, and you blame it on her idiot son, but some how with Elijah it's my fault and not his?!"
"Please Zac, please I'm sorry, I don't want to fight like this..."
He ignored her, he felt betrayed by what she'd said, "Iris you need to forget Elijah! You need to understand he's not human anymore, not like us. Is that really what you want, to become like him?! To lose everything that makes us who we are?!"
She spoke timidly, "If it means none of this loneliness, none of this suffering, this... this misery... Zaccaheus, you're lying to me when you say you've forgotten Elijah, that you don't care about him anymore... I know thats a lie, because... I know you're better than that."
Zaccaheus stood there, looking at her wiping her pretty face with the back of her hand. He didn't know what to say. He'd fucked up, again. Remorse slowly began to creep over him, and he just kept staring at her, this beautiful creature, hoping she would saying something to him.
"Iris, Iris I'm sorry. I'm so sorry..."
He hoped for a response, hoped she would say; its alright, I understand why you're upset, that this is just another argument that we'll forget about. That she didn't mean the things she had said, and that she knew he hadn't meant the harsh words he'd hurled at her.
But she she didn't say a word. She just looked aimlessly out of a window, thinking of something Zaccaheus could only guess at.
He tried again, his voice cracking slightly, "Iris please, I'm sorry, I didn't mean any of it, it's just after everything yesterday and..."
It didn't look like she was listening. She sniffed lightly, and gently wiped her face again. Zaccaheus knew she wasn't going to respond. He fought back tears as he muttered, "I'm going to go out for a bit... You'll probably want to be alone for a while so I'll... I'll see you later."
He turned his body slowly, still staring at her longingly as he walked towards the door and left the apartment, hoping she would suddenly turn to him, call him back and tell him she forgave him, like she always did. But she didn't this time. He let the tears fall once he was out of site. He hated having her see him cry, hated having her see that he was just as miserable as she was here; that there really was nothing left for him, except for her. And he knew there was truth to what she had said. She had stayed because she loved him, had let everything else she had ever cared about go for him, and for what? This lonely existance in this pristine city with their perfect apartment? But he knew he could never leave. There was no viable alternative. He could sell his soul to the AR, let himself be consumed by it's world of total chaos and greed, and embrace and live totally in a realm dominated by all the evils of man's old society; a false reality. Or he could give up his humanity and his individuality for immortality by merging with an AI and sacrificing his earthly body for an all powerful, eternal one, like Elijah had.
And Iris was right, he was a liar. He was a liar because he did miss Elijah, their son. Zaccaheus never would, and never could forgive Elijah for what he had done; merging his mind with an AI and other like minded individuals into one collective consience, downloading into a nanobot body and leaving to explore the vast and infinite majesty of the universe... As much as Zaccaheus wanted to forget him; trying to supress the memories of him and wanting Iris to forget him, he knew he was fooling nobody but himself. His son had come to accept the supposed 'inevitable', embracing a future that Zaccaheus could not, and tried to convince them to journey with him through it, togther into the unknown. But Zaccaheus had been afraid, and still was; afraid of what he would become, and afraid of what he would lose. And now here he remained, fighting desperately to keep together any sembelance of his old life; while his own son had transcended him and become a god. He remember Elijah's final words to him before leaving, "I'll be waiting for you, both. This isn't goodbye, because I'll see you again, in the future. I promise."
How Zaccaheus had wished those words were true. But he would never succumb, never give into the false promises of immortality, never give up a life he had grown through, that had defined him as a person, molded his soul. He would never, give up everything that made, and defined his existance as that of a human. To become a god; all knowing, all powerful, would have brought about the abolishment of all the sorrow, the hate, and the loneliness of his human life. But without these feelings, these experiences, he would never again experience the good; for one cannot know happiness without living through sorrow, know no love without enduring hate, and know compaionship without the lonliness. These were things he never wanted to let go of; things that made a life worth living. A life without them was nothing, empty.
It was a times like this that Zaccaheus realised just how near the end of things they really were, and just how indifferent the universe really was to not only his own plight, but humanity's as a whole. These things Zaccaheus cherished; they were nothing in the grand scheme of things, and they would be taken from him without remorse. The universe had endured abyssal stretches of time before man arose, a neutral chaos, apathetic as it destroyed and created at a whim. It had existed aeons without humanity's care, or pain, or joy or love, and it would continue to edure without these things once mankind was inevitably gone, until only the indifferent minds of machines; of gods remained.
He only wished Iris would realise these thing. That by merging with an AI; with those promises of becoming all knowning, of enlightnment and the banishment of all emotions like, pain, and sadness, and fear, and the defeat of death itself; that it would render their love for not only each other but for their son - that same love that compelled Iris to find him - meaningless, nothing but a mere word.
It seemed to him that the pervading loneliness, that dread of the approaching future that had begun to consume those who had remained, those who had tried to to hold onto their old lives; their humanity, had become too much for most. They lost sight of what it had meant to be human, giving in to the promises of the machines by wanting to rid themselves of the pain, forgetting that by having all of the painful emotional turmoil removed, they could no longer experience the good. Without the darkness, there could be no light; there could be only nothing.
And this was why Zaccaheus would never understand Elijah, never understand why he was prepared to lose the ability to experience everything that made him human, that made his life meaningful. Now that he was immortal, what was he to live for? Now that he had become all knowing, what was there left for him to know and wonder in? He often wondered if Elijah, or whatever he had become thought of Zaccaheus and Iris now. Most of the time he thought, probably not. Why would something with a mind that went beyond human comprehension, a mind that surely would have no sentimentality, think of a pair of long distant people, no more fascinating in structure than some of the billions of celestial bodies that inhabited the universe wasting away on some forgotten rock adrift in space? A being such as what Elijah had become surely had no need for such thoughts.
But sometimes, sometimes Zaccaheus wondered what if? What if it; Elijah, his son, did think of them occasionally, fractured memories of his past, memories of a promise once made...
Zaccaheus could only hope.