(Y'all may want some tissues)
I decided I needed a shower, Andy was going force his way in with me, but for once he listened to me. Letting the hot water sting my body, to the point of feeling numb from the heat. Do I really love Andy, can I love Andy. I never truly loved Mike, I loved the thought of him. Knowing that I could home to someone, someone who would beg me to get in bed with him. It was selfish of me, what I did to Mike was selfish... Do I love Andy? I never seen love before, my father failed to show me what love is, to give me the feeling of love. Does Andy love me? Does he. I was frustrated, my thoughts annoyed me. I was in the need of something to drink, just to quiet my thoughts. I washed the soap off my body, and stepped out of the shower wrapping a towel around myself. When I walked out into the bedroom my hair dripping wet Andy sat on the bed looking at his phone, he looked up, "Hello angel," he said with a smile.
"Hi," I said and walked over to my bag of clothes, I pulled out a pair of panties and a bra. Dropping the towel the floor, I could hear Andy let out a shaky breath. He was then walking over to me.
"Beautiful," he said placing his hands on me. I pushed his hands off of me. He gave me a confused hurt look, "What's wrong Sway?" he asked.
"I'm going for a walk," I told him quietly, slipping on my black panties and then my bra.
"Can I join you?" he asked me, I shook my head, "Why not?" Andy asked, I grabbed a pair of jeans and pulled them on.
"I just need to clear my mind," I told him truthfully.
"Baby what's on your mind?" Andy asked, desperately wanting to know my thoughts. I put on a sweater since New York was cold.
"I'll be back," I told him grabbing my phone and wallet. As I was walking away Andy grabbed my arm and stopped me.
"Sway." he said quietly.
"Half hour tops," I told him.
"Better be," he said his blue eyes staring into me, as if he was searching for my thoughts. Sighing Andy let his fingers slide down my arm and he let go. As I started to walk away Andy quietly said, "I care for you," I didn't say anything else, if anything I quickly hurried out of the hotel room. I knew what he meant. Damn it. I got to the elevator and pressed the button, soon I was joined by Kells. Not now.
"Are you following me?" I asked him.
"I'm running out to grab a few things," he said, his hands in his pockets. He looked pretty chill for what had happened earlier. "What about you?" he asked. The elevator doors opened and we both stepped inside.
"Nothing that concerns you," I stated crossing my arms.
"Do you hate me?" he asked.
"Yes." I seethed.
"Why?" he asked. I laughed, does he really have to be asking me that question.
"You know why," I told him. We finally got to the bottom.
"Okay, so I fucked up. I thought you were into drugs though. You have to admit it was pretty fun," he said with a smile, as we got off.
"Ha! Well I wouldn't know, because I don't remember shit." I told him.
"Both nights?" he asked. I nodded. "Shit." he said, we walked out of the hotel.
"Tell me what happened that night?" I asked him, dying to know.
"Uh, well if you don't-" I cut him off.
"Fucking tell me Kells." I snapped.
"I wasn't the only one you fucked," he said. My heart stopped beating... He wasn't the only one who had fucked me.
"Who else?" I asked.
"I don't remember their names." he said.
"Number?" I asked, my heart racing.
"At least four..." he said. I stopped dead in my tracks, feeling like I couldn't breath. I was pissed, beyond pissed.
"You asshole! You drugged me! You fucking drugged me! And then four guys fucked me!" I yelled at him, next thing I know I slapped him across the face.
"I'm sorry Sway... I should have never gave you those drugs. After you took them you got fucked up, said let's party. Next thing I know we are having a huge party." he explained.
"Damn it, damn it!" I held my hands to my head. Andy. Andy. How could I do that to him!? I fucked up real bad. Kells fucked up real bad. "Go, you need to go. Leave. Stay the hell away from me. From Andy. Go." I spoke quietly to him. Kells didn't move, "GO!" I screamed at him. He finally got the hint and walked away. Tears threatened to fall. I sniffled them back, and started to walk down the street. Until I found the liquor store. I bought a bottle of vodka and walked out. Now I need to find a quiet place and drink away the pain that is starting to sink in. Going to the park, and finding a quiet little spot I sat underneath a tree, and opened the bottle, chugging it down. Why me. Why do I let myself fuck up so bad. Why does Andy even try with me. Why does he even care. I should have been just a fuck to him. I should have walked out those doors after the first night, I should have never gone back. Why did I let myself become addicted to someone that I could hurt. I got too addicted and now I've hurt him. I'm his, I don't belong to anyone but him. That is how he wants it. But why does he want me so damn much.
To Andy I am something he owns, something that he wants, and he grabbed tightly onto me, I could feel the grasp he held. And now, now I'm hurting him. Or is just me who I am hurting. Looking at the half empty bottle I started to finally cry. Pulling my legs up, and wrapping my arms around them. Next thing I know someone was sitting next to me. I slowly looked up and looked over to find Juliet. Juliet?
"Hey," she said giving me a small smile, "What's with the tears? Did Andy do something?" she asked, she also eyed the bottle.
"What are you doing here?" I asked her ignoring her question.
"Jake brought me to New York, and it's a semi nice day, needed some fresh air after the flight," she said. "So, what did Andy do?" she asked me.
"He didn't do anything," I said quietly, I said taking a sip from the bottle.
"Then why are you crying?" she asked me.
"I fucked up, Juliet. I fucked up bad," I told her.
"How so?" she asked.
"I go to Kells, and let him drug me... Next thing you know I'm fucking four guys..." I told her. I couldn't look at her in the eyes, I felt like a whore, a slut. Juliet is this beautiful married woman, who loves a man very much, and is carrying his child. Me, I'm sitting underneath a tree crying my eyes out, and drinking a bottle of vodka because I let four guys fuck me. Next thing I know Juliet is pulling me into her arms.
"We all make mistakes," she said.
"Not that big of mistakes, and it's not the first time." I told her.
"Do you love Andy?" she asked me, now that question threw me off.
"I-I..." I didn't know what to say, "I'm scared." I finally said.
"Kells isn't the best guy, I've known him for a few years. What he did to you, I know Andy would have a gun to his forehead." Juliet said.
"He should also have one to mine," I said, crying more.
"Nah, he likes you too much," Juliet said she smiled, "We didn't work, Andy and I... He was too much of a control freak, sex addicted. We didn't mesh well. I couldn't follow his rules. He wouldn't follow mine. We just didn't work. That's why we split, and when we did. We got along better. It worked out, just friends." she explained, "But with you... He looks at you with so much love and care in his eyes... He loves you Sway I know he does. I can see it." she said, "Because the way he looks at you, he never looked at me or any other women he was with." now that made me feel even worse, for doing what I did.
"I'm just a bitch. Just horrible. He wants me to say the words to him, but I can't!" I cried.
"You're scared Sway, I'm sure he get's it. I think Andy will wait till you are ready to say the words," she said.
"What do I do Juliet? He'll be crushed, pissed to know what happened," I told her.
"Yes he will be. But it's better to tell the truth, lying will only hurt it even worse," she said. She was right, Juliet was right on. I tossed the bottle of vodka.
"Do you miss Danny?" I asked her. She was silent for a moment.
"Yes," she said rubbing her belly.
"Andy will find him. He'll fix the mess," I told her. Now I was the one pulling Juliet in my arms, aside from Taylor, Juliet was another good friend of mine, one that I could lean on. Maybe I never took the time to look around and see that people did care about me. Yeah dad wasn't the best, okay he was far from being anything good. But he tried, later in his life he tried. I thought he was getting somewhere, but he wasn't, he only dug his way back into a hole. Now that I look around, I can see the people that do care. Yes, not my father or my mother. But someone does care.
"Thank you Juliet." I said hugging her.
"Anytime," she said hugging me back.
"I'm going back to Andy," I told her standing up.
"The truth," Juliet said. I nodded, and started to walk away. Making my way back to the hotel. I went back to our room to find Andy talking on the phone, he looked up and smiled, but it dropped when he saw my teary face.
"Uh, Jake... Yeah, yeah get in touch with CC. Hey I need to go," he said, and quickly hung up, he jumped up and walked over to me, "Angel are you okay?" he asked. I wrapped my arms around and him and started crying again.
"I'm scared Andy, I'm scared to say the words to you. I'm so scared. I'm sorry I can't say them." I cried.
"Sway it's okay," Andy said rubbing my back with his hand. The truth, Juliet said the truth, it will make it better.
"Andy..." I said quietly, holding onto him tighter, please god if you are real, don't let him walk away from me.
"Yes Angel?" he asked, holding me closer, I breathed in his smell, closing my eyes.
"I didn't just sleep with Kells, when he drugged me.... It was a total of four. That's what he said," I told him. Andy froze in my arms. My heart raced, oh god please don't go. I gripped him tighter, "I'm sorry! Andy I'm sorry! Please don't leave me!" the memory of Mike walking out the door popped into my head. He can't go, he just can't. Andy was quiet for a moment, his breathing was leveled. Finally he spoke.
"My beautiful mess," I let out a shaky breath, as I held onto him, he was all I had to hold onto.
"Yours. All yours." I said.
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(Y'all blowing your nose? And whipping your tears? Hope you enjoyed)