My life has become an utter mess. The pain of Niall's absence is unbearable and indescribable in words. The fact that he is gone forever and I won't be able to see him again still feels unacceptable.
Every single ounce of my body misses him. I don't feel like doing anything anymore other than just sit in one corner and cry. There is numbness everywhere around me and although I walk around my body is only lifeless from inside.
It's strange to think how I wished once that we never even met and probably hated him too.
It's a known truth that death is inevitable. Like everyone, I've also grown up accepting this fact. I saw people losing their loved ones and having a hard time coping with it. But, while I understood the pain I can only feel it in the true sense now.
It's not just painful, but brutal.
You know the person is gone, but you can't help but feel his presence around you. He was just there with you even a few days back, talking and laughing like everyone else. Now, he lies as a lifeless skeleton in the grave.
I sit around on my own, remembering our moments together – fights as well as love, and my heart rates race up with the desire to see him again. But, when I gear up to go talk to Niall at his apartment I'm hit with the truth that he is no more there and he won't ever come back as well. My body feels immensely fragile every time his face flashes before my eyes. His laughter still rings in my ears and no matter how hard I try I can't seem to tone them down.
It's harder to sleep at night because Niall creeps into my dreams as well. They say dreams make you happier, but mine does the opposite. I see us having a perfect life together, growing old in each other's arms. Our smiles make me smile in sleep as does our happy moments in the dream. But, when I wake up and realize it's only a dream my heart gets absolutely crushed. I close my eyes shut, attempting to rethink the dream and hold on to the pieces of it – the only way I feel Niall before me. Unfortunately, they slip away very fast and I'm forced to come back to reality where he is gone forever.
I'm sure that Niall's family and even Liam's are in the same situation. But, they didn't do the mistake of hoping against hope.
I did.
Now, I'm just picking up the pieces and putting them back together. My crushed heart cries over my shattered belief while the latter only apologizes deeply. They say where there is hope there is life, but I can't disagree more. Niall lost his life and with that I lost mine too.
On Saturday, when everyone was crying; initially I was still hoping that this is just a nightmare that will break soon. I kept hoping, still clinging to my belief until they put Niall's body inside the coffin. The sight of him dressed as the gentleman he was, eyes closed, and lips numb completely murdered my belief.
Ever since then, I can't stop crying. Be it in my apartment or theirs – I see and feel Niall everywhere. His clothes are still folded nicely in my wardrobe and they smell like him. His T-shirts that I wore in the last few days are still unwashed, having a mix smell of both him and I. The more I see them the more my heart longs to see him and be in his warm arms again.
Sometimes, when I look outside the window and into the sky I try to see Niall up there. As the clouds move, I imagine him moving along with them and looking at me. I wave my hand up and whisper his name, telling him how much I love him and will always continue doing that. But then, the next moment I feel is his hand resting on my shoulder. His heavy voice murmurs something in my ear that I don't understand.
But, as soon as I turn around, he is gone. I stretch my hands and look around, but he doesn't wait. I break down and fall down on the floor, but he still doesn't come. He is just gone.
It's been really hard for me to do any work other than thinking of Niall. I don't feel like eating, sleeping or even talking to anyone. My family has been calling me since Saturday night and I have not answered a single of their calls. Yesterday, when my mother finally called up my landlady I talked to her.
I didn't tell her anything. In fact, I didn't tell anyone about Niall. I didn't want them to have sympathy on me. I was well on my own.
Venkatesh also called me up on Sunday morning. He was in the mood to blast me off, but I guess my weaker tone changed his mind. I asked for two days leave and somehow he agreed.
I hoped that a couple of days break will help me recover myself, but that hasn't been going well since today morning. I have only churned out 2 stories and it's 5.00 Pm now. I don't know if I have been lucky or too aloof because neither Venkatesh nor Deepak has asked me anything about my extra-slow pace today.
The ambience of office, the people moving around, and working on their computers somehow escalate my pain. I miss the happy world that I had with Niall. So, I simply rise to my feet and walk out of office, making my way towards the staircase.
It's a bit windy and cold today. I breathe in deeply as I sit on the staircase. The numbness of the weather makes me even sadder and I lower my head down, feeling a drop of tear roll down my cheek.
At this time, the door of the office opens and Steven comes out. His eyes directly land on me, but I break off our gaze. I sniff and wipe off the tear drop.
He comes forward and takes a seat beside me. From the corner of my eyes, I find him staring at the sky.
"How is he doing?" he asks; voice extremely low and serious.
I look in my front, swallowing down the pain.
"He didn't make it through," I reply after sometime.
A long pause follows with Steven looking at me.
"Nadia, I'm so sorry," he bends his head down.
I put my lips in between my teeth and look over at him. When he locks sight with me I nod at him as fresh tears pour down my eyes.
"He tried," I say. "He tried a lot."
"I know; he was a fighter."
I smile. "Absolutely."
"How are you doing?" Steven asks, resting a hand on my shoulder.
I stay silent as my chest vibrates constantly. My heart rates slow down and I feel suffocated inside. My body aches and my head feels dizzy.
"I....I don't know," I shake my head and shrug before quickly bending my head down, plunging my face within my palms.
Steven rubs circles on my back.
"I just want to get out of all these mess. I...I miss him every day, every minute, every second," I say in between tears.
"You just need to take some time."
"No," I shake my head again. "You don't understand, Steven," I look at him now. "He died beside me. I was there the whole time when he fought for his life and I couldn't do anything. I saw him crippling down every day, one piece at a time....I....I...I...." I can't finish my sentence as I continue crying.
Steven rubs more circles on my back. "Ssshh.... It's okay, Nadia. I understand, I understand."
"He wanted to live. He wanted to marry me," I laugh in pain. "He didn't want to die."
Steven becomes mute and only stares down.
"I....I still can't believe last Wednesday I could still go back home and see him. And, today he is gone. I'm alone," I sniff.
"You're not alone, Nadia. You've your family, your friends, your career. You're never alone," Steven finally retorts.
I shake my head. "You don't understand, you don't know."
"I do know," he pats on my back. "Look at me," he demands and as I look at him, he continues. "I'm sure Niall doesn't want you to stay sad and grieve over his absence forever. He loved you, in fact he loves you and he doesn't want to see you in pain."
His eyes sparkle as he talks and something about the spark triggers a thought in my mind.
"You're right," I retort.
Steven smiles. "Just have faith. You'll be fine," he nods his head and sighs. "I have to go in now. Are you coming?"
I swallow and wipe off the tears. "Yeah, well. Give me a second."
"Okay," he retorts and turns on his heels, walking inside the office.
I entwine my fingers and rest the elbows on my knees. The sky suddenly looks extremely dark and signals that it's going to pour buckets. Cold winds hit against my skin, making my eyes feel dry. I rise to my feet and start moving towards the office.
When I enter I see Venkatesh shooting daggers at me.
"Nadia, do you have a minute?" he asks; voice quite louder.
"Yeah, sure," I retort and move towards him.
"Inside the meeting room, please," he gestures and I walk inside the room.
Venkatesh follows suit. We occupy two chairs across the table and I keep my head down, completely aware of what is to follow.
"Look, Nadia. This isn't going well," he says. "I mean, you're a good writer and you don't take leaves, those are all fine. But, you're very unprofessional. You take too long breaks and you're extremely slow at work. The time you take to write one story is the time a journalist should write 2 stories."
I listen to him and strangely break into a sly smile. I look at him and know he is in it for life, but Steven's words had a massive toll on me and I realize what I should do now.
"I'm sorry to interrupt you, sir," I reply in an extreme soft tone. "I cannot continue working here anymore."
As I say it, I feel a certain weight fall off of my heart.
"Excuse me," Venkatesh looks at me, shocked.
I feel an enormous lump in my throat. "I'm dealing with some situations right now and I need to get out of the city."
He looks deep into my eyes. "Is everything alright, Nadia?"
I bite my lower lip, a tear rolling down my cheek. "Let's just say that I'm trying to make everything alright." I nod and put up a smile.
He becomes silent for a few seconds. "Okay, if you're dealing with personal problems then I don't want to force anything on you. You may leave."
I sniff, wiping tears off my cheeks. "Thank you, sir. Thank you so much."
"Send me your resignation mail, so I can give you a relieving letter."
"Of course," I nod and we shake hands.
Once we walk out of the cabin, I stroll towards my workstation and start picking my things up. I go to the washroom and wash my face. While coming out, I stop by at Steven's workstation.
"Hey," I pat on his shoulder.
"Hey," he turns around and smiles at me.
"Ahhmm...." I scratch the back of my head. "I've quit." I try putting up a smile.
"Really?" he raises his brows up.
"Yeah," I nod, looking down.
"Wow. Are you sure is that what you want?"
I swallow. "Yeah. I....I just need to be by myself now. I need to sort things out and....I just need time."
He holds my hand. "I understand."
We nod at each other.
"Well, okay then," he rises to his feet. "It was nice knowing you. Take care," he stretches his arms out.
I lean in and hug him. "Thank you, Steven. Lovely knowing you too."
"Also, I hope we're good....I mean, you know..."
I rest my hand on his shoulder. "We're fine," I smile as he returns the favor to me.
With that I turn on my heels and walk to my workstation again, grabbing my bag and other stuff.
"Bye, sir. Thank you for everything," I say.
"Hey, what happened?" Deepak asks.
I shrug.
"She has some personal problems she has to take care of," Venkatesh answers for me.
I thank him internally for saving me from thinking of my situation for the second time. It wouldn't have been good for my heart.
I wave both of them goodbye and turn on my heels. I breathe in deeply as I slowly walk out of the office permanently.
The bus ride back home feels like the longest one of my life. My mind is entirely blank, trying to figure out what I'll do from now on. I definitely can't go back to Calcutta because my parents will flip out if I tell them about my situation. Although they'll understand and eventually help me forget Niall I know without a life and job for too long I won't do fine either. And unfortunately, the career I've doesn't promise anything in Calcutta.
By the time, I reach home I haven't decided anything. While walking up the stairs, I hear Liam and Sophia's voice from second floor. I remember Liam is supposed to leave the apartment today.
Something about him moving out and the sudden change breaks my heart into pieces, all over again. My heart immediately rises until my mouth and I somehow manage to swallow it down. Although my knees wobble and my body feels numb I pull myself up and land a knock on their door.
The door is left ajar so the couple looks up at me, pausing their packing.
"Hey, Nadia," Liam smiles at me. His eyes look pale like never before. "Come on in."
He comes forward and pulls me into a subtle hug.
"Hi," I smile and nod, looking down.
"Are you alright?" Sophia asks from behind.
I look at her for a little longer than normal and then quickly break my gaze.
I sigh. "I'm trying to," I put my lips in between my teeth and know that my eyes well up.
Liam and Sophia both hug me tight in their arms. Liam murmurs "Ssshh" in my ears while rubbing circles on my back. I swallow a huge lump down and nod my head in an attempt to listen to them.
"Are you guys done with everything?" I ask, sniffing and coughing.
"Yeah," Liam retorts. "Almost completely done."
I look around and see the apartment. It's completely empty. It doesn't even take a single second for my heart to crumble all over again. My mind straight away goes back to Niall and our days spent together. My eyes travel around and each corner of the apartment reminds me of him. The sounds of our laughter ring in my head and it slowly brings a smile across my face.
I don't know what happens to me, but the feeling drains me so much that I crash down on the floor. My heart aches so deeply that my body aches at the same time. And not being able to hold anymore, I start crying. Liam and Sophia come forward and take their places beside me as well.
"That was the first time," I whisper.
"What?" Liam asks.
"That night we watched the Sixth Sense together," I turn at the couple. "It was the first time I wanted to kiss Niall."
Sophia and Liam smile at me.
"You did?" Liam asks, resting his chin on one of his palms.
I nod and smile back. "At that time, it shocked me to even think that I felt like that. But, it took only a few weeks for me to understand that I've fallen in love with him."
I look straight and ponder on the events of that day and what followed after that. Every bit of the memories takes me on a roller coaster of a ride, intensely. I feel a churn in my stomach and as I close my eyes, I feel the pain circulate throughout my body.
A warm and soft hand lands on mine and I quickly open my eyes. Sophia's comforting look addresses me.
I smile as she returns the favor to me.
"Niall was really lucky to have got your love, honey," she says.
I quickly shake my head to show my disagreement. "I was lucky to have loved him," I sigh and wipe the tears off my face. "He taught me so much. He unlocked a brighter meaning of life for me. He helped me know who I am. He made me see what I want. He made me fall in love with him and I can never thank him enough for that.... Never....never."
Fresh tears find their ways down my cheeks as I cover my face within my palms. Sophia hugs me tight and I hear her sobbing as well.
When we both pull away, we wipe our faces.
"Nadia," Liam says and I immediately look at him. "Just because Niall has gone that doesn't mean our relationship is over too. I want you to know that no matter where you're or where I am, you can always count me in whenever you need something. Alright?"
He smiles at me while squeezing my hand.
I smile widely. "Alright."
The three of us spend the next hour packing everything. At the end, the apartment looks as broken and comatose as my heart at the moment. I move around and see every corner of the room, something still hitting me hard that this apartment will no longer be the same anymore.
And with that I remember that I haven't told Sophia and Liam that I've quit my job.
"I quit my job," I say, crossing my arms before my chest I lean against the window in Niall's room.
"What?" Liam almost screams, brows furrowed deeply.
"I don't have any reason to stay back anymore."
"What does your job have to do with anything?"
I bite my lip and sob. "Everything, Liam. Just everything," I sniff and continue, "It was giving me financial freedom, but what good can it bring when you're emotionally wrecked? I'm worse than wrecked, Liam. I'm literally dead. And you guys are leaving as well. I can't accept so many changes; I can't cope with so many pains at the same time.
This was my home. I longed to come back here to be myself after a hard day at work, but now this place has turned into a stranger to me. It's like a prison, every corner screams hurt and pain at me. I can't live like this let alone move on. I need to leave and just get lots and lots of fresh air."
They don't say anything and the silence only helps me figure out what I exactly want right now.
I sniff and wipe my tears off. "I need to leave. I need to leave the city."
"Nadia, I don't think you're thinking straight," Liam strolls forward to me. Sophia follows suit.
I shake my head disagreeing with him.
"I'll die otherwise Liam," I look at him directly in the eye and reply in a very serious tone. "I don't have anything here that I can't have in another city."
He falls silent for a few seconds.
"You're going back home?" he asks.
I look at the floor. "I don't know."
A loud sound honks from the street and interrupts our conversation.
"I guess that's our cab driver," Sophia informs.
I look back at Liam and try with every ounce of body to not break down again. He stares at me in the exact same way and I retort by embracing him in my arms.
"Call me, okay?" he says, placing a hand on my cheek.
I smile and nod before looking at Sophia. She smiles and jogs towards me, crashing in my arms too.
"Please, take care of yourself," she says.
"I will," I nod and pat on her shoulder.
We exit Niall's apartment before I take one last glance of it. Memories rush back to my mind, and I close my eyes quickly not letting it affect me again. We move to the sitting area and I help Liam and Sophia take their bags out of the apartment. The cab driver comes up on Sophia's instruction and along with Liam takes every item down on the road.
When Liam comes up again, we stand outside the flat. No one speaks for quite a long time before Liam closes the door and locks it.
"The landlady told me to drop the key with you," he says and hands the key to me. "She'll take it from you tomorrow. They're on a family trip out of Bangalore."
"Okay," I nod and grab the keys.
"It's getting late, we should leave now," Sophia says.
"Yeah," Liam agrees.
I smile at them. "Good luck with everything and always stay with each other."
"We love you, babe. Just know that," Liam retorts.
I nod and sniff. "I know."
They give individual hugs to me one last time before walking down the stairs. I move towards one corner of the corridor and see them boarding the cab. Once, the driver takes a U-turn he soon drives off.
I stare at the trail for a long time before taking my mobile out of my jeans' pocket.
I dial Sirin's number and wait for her to pick up. My heartbeats accelerate with each ring.
"Hey, honey," her excited tone somehow offers me some sort of calmness.
"Hi," I struggle to put up a smile.
"How are you doing?"
I pause for a few seconds. "I'm coming to Delhi tomorrow."