The Scrubs Thief
Nobody every suspected Irving McGuire, why would they? Everyone saw him as just a normal guy with a beautiful wife, three darling children. But Irving has a dark secret, one that will rock the surgery center and put everyone in peril. He is…THE SCRUBS THIEF!
Monday:
“Hey, Irving. How was your weekend?”
“Too short.”
“Aren’t they all? Ha ha, oh, by the way, don’t expect any large scrubs to be in the locker room. We’re out again.”
“Seems like we always are.”
“I know right? Well, I’ll be downstairs washing my hands. See you down there.”
“Yea, I’ll be down there…shortly.”
Irving sips his coffee as he walks, the coffee steaming and mixed with half of a hot chocolate packet that was sitting by the sugar packets. He finishes his morning energy and tosses the cup into the “Recycle” section of the garbage. Then, making his way to the locker room he hums a tune, an eerie tune.
“All of them, I’ll wear them in public…people will think highly of me. I’ll give some to my children for pajamas…they will love me for it. I’ll give some pairs to my wife…she’ll say they’re so comfortable.”
“What?”
“Who’s there?”
“Just me, Rick.”
“Sorry, I didn’t know someone was using the bathroom.”
“It’s cool. So, borrowing some scrubs it sounds like?”
“No.”
“Sure sounded like you said you were…”
“You heard nothing…”
Irving slides a pair of Medium Bottoms under the stall door.
“Let’s let this be our little secret,” says Irving as he stuffs his arms with bundles of scrubs.
“Um, sure…”
Monday Evening:
“New pajamas! Thank you, Irving!”
“Call me Dad please.”
“But…” Lilly gives the sad ‘puppy dog’ eyes.
“Why are you giving these to me?” asks his wife of almost two years.
“Something comfortable to wear while you coo…co-work…with the vacuum.”
“Excuse me?”
“You’re excused…I’ll be in my office.”
Irving heads to his home office, where he plays video games until six pm when his children come running in to tell him that dinner is ready. He finds his wife setting the table with red sauce stains on her new scrubs.
“This looks delicious. What, um, what is it?”
“Tater-tots and peanuts, covered in red pasta sauce.”
“Very exotic,” he mumbles with a mouth-full.
“Ryan, stop eating off my plate!”
“But you got more than me!”
“Mom, Ethel smells! Ryan, stop it!”
“Ryan, stop touching Lilly’s food! And Irving, it’s your turn to change Ethel.”
“Uh, yea, I’ll get on that.”
“Now, Irving…”
“I’m just enjoying this amazing dinner…”
She raises her right eyebrow.
“I’m going, I’m going,” he says with his hands raised.
“And put the diaper on right this time!”
“Jenna…I’m a professional…”
“A professional what I’ll never know.”
He picks up his daughter Ethel and heads into her room upstairs. Lilly and Ryan continue to fight over the food as Jenna sits at the table forking at her newest creation with her right hand while bracing her head up with her left.
Tuesday:
Irving swipes his way into the cafeteria area before letting his ID retract and hit him in the chest. He places his left over tater-tot concoction into the fridge shared by all of the employees. On the outside of the refrigerator is a poster reminding people to keep away from each others lunches. Part of Irving hopes that some poor soul does steal his meal. He walks over to the stale pot and pours himself a cup of black coffee.
“Almost the weekend!” a man with brown hair walks past Irving and gets denied of a high-five. The brown haired man, Brent, irks Irving. He just smiles and nods at Brent until the awkward moment passes and Brent leaves the area.
“Tastes like a horse’s behind,” Irving mutters to himself before dumping his coffee into the sink.
“Didn’t know your palette was so cultured,” says a smart tone from behind him.
“Hey, didn’t know someone was behind me. Good morning, Maria.”
“How was your weekend?
“Fun, I guess, took the kids to a water park on Saturday. Jenna got to read and I got sunburn.”
“You have to use that SPF, man. I’m telling you it’s the way of the future.”
“Ha, I’ll have to remember that next time.”
“You’d better. Well, have a great day; try not to have too much fun.”
“I’ll do my best.”
Irving waits for a new pot to brew as he stares out the windows on the other side of the cafeteria. The building across the parking lot has the windows all lit up. A woman runs on a treadmill on the second floor and a man cries into a phone on the first. Irving sucks his lips in and looks up to the ceiling as if not wanting to be known for his voyeur. Once the coffee finishes he pours a cup full into a paper cup inside another paper cup. He drowns himself with the hot fuel as quickly as one can.
Tuesday Evening:
“Did you get all the grocery shopping done?”
“No, I…there was no time.”
“No time? What about now? What is it you’re doing now?”
Irving places a bundle of small scrubs onto the counter and nods at his wife. He grins and heads to his office.
“Oh no you’re not! Get your butt to the store!”
“But…the…”
“The video game? Don’t worry about that, I hid your video games. You need to spend more time with the kids.”
“But they’re at school…”
“At five ‘o’clock? They’ve been home for hours. Now take them with you grocery shopping. Ryan! Lilly! Go with your father to the store!”
“I don’t want to!”
“He smells funny! Ha ha ha!”
“They’re never going to accept me as their father, Jenna.”
“Just be patient with them. Soon they will be just as much yours as Ethel is. Kids! One…two…”
“We’re coming!”
In the car the two children slap each other and complain that the ride is taking too long. Ryan has to use the bathroom and Lilly insists that the car be pulled over and fumigated.
“If you two behave I’ll let each of you make your own bag of gummies from the bulk section.”
Instantly the children become mindless drones. Milk, eggs, bread, tater-tots, peanuts, sauce, rice, steak, lobster…no, no lobster, chips, cookies, popcorn, half a bottle of Mountain Dew, gummies.
“You guys, look at all these packages you opened; now we have to pay for this stuff.”
“I didn’t do anything. It was all Ryan’s fault.”
Ryan burps from his Mountain Dew binge and declares himself innocent.
Wednesday:
“You know what today is…”
“Don’t say it…”
“Hump day!”
“It doesn’t mean what you think it does, Brent.”
“Hump day!”
“Ugh…yay…”
Irving nods politely and walks away from Brent, leaving him waiting for the high-five that will never happen.
“They’re running out…there is hardly any here…”
“I know, don’t know where they’ve all been going. Soon we’ll have to walk around this place is garbage bags.”
“Don’t they just keep ordering more though?”
“Heck if I know.”
“But…I need them…”
“We all do. You alright, Irving?”
“What? Oh, yea, Bill. Just, just tired I guess, the baby…”
“I know how that is. How the older kids treating you? They warm up to you yet?”
“I don’t know. It’s so hard to connect with them without spending money.”
“That’s how it always is. Then the real rebellion starts, they’ll love you sooner or later.”
“I hope so…”
Irving stands staring at the wall of dwindling scrubs. Sitting on metal shelves sectioned off into sizes and tops/bottoms. He’s made the Large Bottom joke plenty of times.
“I hope they order more…”
“You again? Is this your doing, how many of those scrubs are you stealing?”
“Rick?”
“Yea, it’s me.”
“You spend an awful lot of time in that bathroom.”
“Monday it was the beer, now it’s this darn stomach bug. I knew I shouldn’t have eaten that tater-tot junk that was in the fridge.”
“That was my lunch.”
“Well, you’re welcome…”
“Thanks, I guess. You won’t tell anyone about the scrubs will you?”
“You keep my secret I’ll keep yours. Get me the paper towel roll…”
Wednesday Afternoon:
“Irving! Where have you been? I said take a lunch break not a vacation! Get scrubbed and down to OR7.”
“There aren’t any scrubs left…”
“What? Just…take some from the soiled linen bags then.”
“I can’t do that, that’s not sanitary at all.”
“Fine, get some from the women’s locker room then.”
“I’m not going in there…”
“I’ll see you downstairs in two minutes.”
A forbidden place – The Women’s Locker Room – what’s in there? Irving pushes the door open expecting to instantly trip on shoes, perhaps walk in on somebody and be beaten with a purse.
“Hello?”
No one is around. The only scrubs left are smalls. Irving squeezes into them, his belly showing and his legs compressed as if wearing skinny jeans.
“Ah, jeeze.”
Wednesday Evening:
“Irving, can you help me with my math homework?”
“It’s Dad…never mind. Yea, in a minute.”
“Irv! You smell! Ha ha ha!”
“Thanks, Ryan.”
“Irving, my math…”
“Just a second, Lilly. I need some coffee.”
“Irving! Ethel needs to be changed! It’s your turn!”
“Coming, Sweety!”
“Oooo, Irv likes mom, Irv likes mom…”
“Very funny, Ryan. Lilly, hold on just a second longer, okay?”
“Hurry up! This is division! I don’t know where the top dog goes!”
“Isn’t it in the…”
“Irving!”
“On my way up!”
Irving rushes upstairs and past his wife sitting in her favorite chair reading on his way to the room of the crying baby.
“It’s okay, Ethel. I’m here. Daddy’s here.”
“D…d…”
“Honey, come here! I think she’s about to say her first word!”
“I’ll grab my iphone, hold on!”
“I’m not stopping her. Come on, Ethel.”
“D…d…da..daddy.”
“Thank you.”
Jenna arrives with her iphone, but there is no repeat performance. Irving changes the baby and puts her to sleep before heading downstairs.
“Ryan did it!”
“Did not!”
The kitchen is covered in coffee grains and steaming aromatic liquid.
“The top dog is in the doghouse, Lilly. I guess that would be me…”
“I don’t know what that means!”
“Ryan, help your sister.”
“You can’t tell me what to do! You’re not my…”
“Ryan, please.”
Irving begins to clean the mess in the kitchen with a smile on his face. He was recognized by one of his children as father and that was all he needed.
Thursday:
Irving arrives early to work and restocks the scrubs he had taken. Large black garbage bags filled with scrubs bundled up himself sit outside in the hallway as he fills each locker room.
“Irving?”
“Maria? What are you doing here so early?”
“What are you is the real question. Are you the one that’s been taking all our scrubs?”
“Yea, I’m sorry. I don’t know, guess I just wanted something simple to make the kids happy, Jenna actually still has a couple pairs at home.”
“At least you brought them back.”
“She called me…she said…Ethel, my daughter, she spoke her first word last night.”
“Amazing how simple things can make such a difference.”
“It truly is.”
“I’ll brew some coffee.”
“Okay, I’ll join you for a cup in just a sec.”
“Take your time. We need smalls by the way. And not the ones you stretched out the other day.”
“Brent showed you the picture he took?”
“He’s shown everyone the picture. I think he might have even sent it out in a mass email, or at least said he was going to.”
“I’d rather be known as the scrubs thief than the guy in the belly shirt.”
“Make the best with what you’re given is what I always say.”
“I’ll give that a try.”
Thursday Evening:
“You’re home early.”
“Yea, ended on time for once. Where are the kids?”
“Ryan is helping Lilly with her homework. I don’t know how you did it, but you did.”
“It’s what dads do.”
“And you do it very well.” She winks at him.
“Ha, very cute. What’s for dinner?”
“Hamburgers, I’ll start grilling in an hour or so.”
“Sounds delicious.”
“I’m using tofu burgers; they’re supposed to be healthier for you.”
“I’m sure they’ll be great. I’ll be upstairs with Ethel for a bit.”
“I think she’s sleeping.”
“That’s okay. I just want to silently read to her. Maybe the story will seep in, make her dreams that much more amazing.”
“I don’t think babies have dreams.”
“Everyone has dreams. The younger you are the bigger.”
“That right? How’s that novel writing going?”
“It’s going…”
“I’ve heard that one before.”
“Hopefully you will only have to hear it a couple more times.”
“If she starts to say it again, let me know. Take my phone just in case.”
Friday:
“You see the email? Everyone is talking about you.”
“Oh boy, the one Brent sent out?”
“Nah, he never actually had the guts to send that, was funny though.”
“What’s the email about then?”
“Take a look for yourself,” says Maria as she hands her phone to Irving.
The Scrubs Thief Returns His Loot –
Surgery Center Staff,
-Everyone has noticed the scrubs are finally back, or at least I hope you’ve actually been here to notice. Not knowing where they were all going was aggravating for everyone, but they have been replaced and it’s about time. Now, there would have been no real way to know who was taking them, if not for the writing that plagues almost each and every one now. Thanks, Irving. We appreciate you returning the scrubs, but next time you decide to take them all home (which we hope you don’t!) try to keep them away from your kids…-
“My kids?”
Maria turns around. Written on the back of her shirt is Dad Rocks!
“The first one I picked up this morning said ‘Irving is the best daddy in the world’. Some cute kids you got there.”
“Ha…ha ha ha…that’s…that’s just amazing.”
“It won’t be if they make you pay for all new ones.”
“You know…I wouldn’t even mind.”
Irving goes to the locker room to change. He comes out dressed in his scrubs, walks over to pour his coffee.
“I looked through them all, found my favorite.”
He turns around to show Maria. Irv Dad is the best!