2 5
seventy-two hours
I lose control over my grip, the ball slamming against the table and reflecting back, almost hitting Jude in the process and crashing onto a near wall.
He glares at me. "So I'm assuming that's a yes?"
"No!" I blurt out. The paddle clatters on the table as I drop it. "I don't know."
I silently make my way to the couch. Not a second later, Jude drops next to me. Inches from me. Is it possible to be happy being close to someone and not glad at the same time? My nerves can't take a freakin' break.
"You fucking confuse me," he growls.
"I'm sorry, okay!" I snap at him. "I fucking confuse myself too!" We're caught in a dead stare, but I'm tired. I slump back. "I don't want to like him."
"Then don't."
"It's not as easy as it sounds."
He analyses me a for while, then puts an arm around the back of the couch, fully facing towards me. I suck in a deep breath, more tense than ever before. "Tell me."
I search his eyes. For trust.
So I tell him.
About how I've felt when I'm with Trey. This sense of familiarity that I don't want to let go of. The way I just want to be in his attention. How I want to be close, but how different it feels when he's with Justine. How I don't hate Justine at all, not one bit, and how that confuses me.
How when they're together, hopelessness seeps into my body, like I'm suddenly detached. Leaving me aching for Trey.
The whole time I'm talking, Jude has a permanent frown on his face. But it doesn't stop me. He's a good listener. I keep wanting to pause, afraid anger is going to come out of that expression, but he waves me on. I feel like a huge weight is lifted off of my shoulders, and that only Jude could make it all go away.
He's quiet for a long time though. And that's a scary thing to see — he's usually the first to say something, and it's loud, unfiltered and brutally honest. But he stares off into the distance.
I bite my lip.
"Jude?" My voice is vulnerable.
"Has it always been there?" he starts, his voice eerily calm. "Your feelings?"
"I'm not sure," I respond just as quietly. "I only realised that I might have feelings for him when Justine started getting close to him."
"What do you mean?"
"Like seeing him with her. It kind of made me feel like... like I'm about to lose him. Then I realise I actually care of losing him."
"But before that." He looks at the table in front of us this time. "Did you care?"
I cross my legs up, and in effect my knees brushes with his. My heartbeat spikes, but when I peek at Jude, he acts normal. Except for that frown on his face.
"No, I guess not?" He whips his head at me, and I blush. "I just saw him as a new face that I'd be seeing for a long time. And then he became my friend. I don't know how that changed to..."
"Attraction?" he asks roughly.
What? "No." I pause. "Maybe. If I knew, I wouldn't be talking to you right now."
He's starting to glare right now. Not at me, at the table, but I know it's directed to me.
"He sees the world in this whole new perspective, okay?" I add quickly. "He has a way of making you feel like you're important. Like being worthy of his time means a great deal."
His gaze just gets hotter, and that's when he turns to me. "You don't need his fucking approval to be worthy. You don't need anyone's. Just yours."
I'm almost taken aback by the resolve in his tone. He says it with so much sincerity, eyebrows pulled together and mouth set on a thin line. Daring me to retort back. I don't, and all of a sudden there's goosebumps in my skin, my stomach turning in knots. Like this eyeing game we're doing is something more intimate.
I turn away. "I'm just like the other girls, right?" Swallowing, I say, "That's what you're really thinking."
"No." The word is hard and blunt. "Every girl is doomed to fall for Gonzalez, but you're not like that. You doubt and you question — Jesus, it's like you put up a fucking wall." He runs a hand through his hair, messing up the strands. Strands I ache to touch. "You're not like other girls, and we're going to figure that out."
We. Not you. But we.
My chest bursts with emotion.
"Thank you," I whisper.
He shakes his head. "Thank yous are for favors. This isn't one." I hear the hidden words.
Because I want to.
I smile. "Okay."
His mouth lifts, but before it can transform into a smile, his face hardens. "Tell me first, then," leaning back, "why the fuck do you like him?"
"I told you," I groan. "He's confident and charming and intelligent..."
"Isn't that just the way he fucking is?"
I mull over his words for a while, and suddenly, a memory hits me back. I'm so shocked that I actually gasp. He turns to me, questioning, and I stare at him.
The first time Jude and Trey met each other, I was there. In the field. It was almost a disaster with Trey's conceited self and Jude's bulky exterior. Jude took me aside to give me a "pep talk," and there was one thing he said that I didn't understand... until this very moment.
Justine can handle herself, I said after he expressed his hatred for Trey. I don't know why you're so worried.
I know she can, he replied. But can you?
He was warning me.
"You knew."
Jude outright frowns. "Fucking know what?"
"That I would like him!" When his questioning look remains, I quickly rehash the encounter with him and Trey and I so long ago.
As I'm explaining, his features clear with understanding. Then he rolls his eyes.
"I didn't predict your fucking crush," he rebuts. "I just knew that, with Trey being the way he is, and you with your infamous competitiveness..." He looks away before glancing at me, a trace of guilt masked in his eyes. "I knew there would be trouble."
The way he is. He means his reputation. The intelligence of a scholar, the face of a model, the charms of a prep-school boy. Mixed with the vanity of a God that makes him irresistible. I can't even deny it now. There's just something you want from him, but it's not necessarily himself. And I think I'm starting to understand.
"So you're saying me liking Trey is normal?" I ask tentatively.
"Liking someone is perfectly fucking fine." His tone is defensive. "I'm just saying that, maybe your — " he grimaces, " — feelings or whatever you call it, to Trey, isn't really based on your attraction, you know?"
"I think so."
"Maybe," he continues, "they aren't even attraction."
And just like that, it hits me like a freakin' train wreck.
"Jude," I say slowly, turning to him. I know I'm smiling because his frown falters.
"What?" A smile forms on him as well.
I can't hold it any longer. I squeal and wrap my arms around his neck.
He immediately reciprocates the hug, locking me in a tight and protective embrace. Even if he doesn't understand why it's happening. But being in his arms feel so freakin' good. I don't want to let go.
"You just saved me from a catastrophe," I whisper in his ear, and he pulls back so he can see the absolute relief in my face.
He realises I've finally decided on something, and something good. He tucks a flyaway strand over my ear.
My chest swells.
"I'm so fucking glad you said that."
7 2 H O U R S
Fuck.
Fuck fuck fuck.
Jude's favourite word has ingrained itself in my head. And when the word fuck appears on my head, stress sinks in, and I lose concentration.
"Addie?" Trey clicks his fingers in front of my face. "Hey."
I've admitted my revelations to Liv, but there's one more step to be taken. That's why I'm in the school bleachers, sitting next to Trey while I figure out how the freak I should start the conversation. I can't back down now.
I just hope he'll listen to what I have to say and not misread the situation like I did.
"What?" I blink. "Oh, yes, me."
Trey smiles. "Don't tell me you don't recognise your own name?"
"I do," I quip, my stress gone for a second. "I just think of someone awesome and Addie comes to mind."
"You've been spending too much time with me."
I play with my feet, looking down. "Yeah."
Long enough to get affected by you.
"So why am I here, Addie?" His tone is never rough, never accusing. It's always inquisitive and calm, but then again his words has always been his weapon.
I swallow. "I wanted to talk to you."
"And you couldn't do that yesterday? Or the day before?"
There you go. "Hey, now," I raise my hands up at his cool, straightforward tone. Somehow it's so much worse than yelling. "I know I've been ignoring you. You don't need to remind me."
"Then what?" he says sharply, almost like a snap as he stands up. "Whatever you're going to say, spit it out."
I pale instantly. The nearly hoarse tone of his voice and his dagger stare grazes my heart. And what hurts more is that, I don't think he's mad just because of my ignorance to him. I think it goes deeper than that. By not telling him what's wrong, I'd been lying to him.
And imagining Trey lying to me makes my chest hurt so much.
So I stand with him, and shout from the top of my lungs —
"I thought I had feelings for you!"
My voice echoes the empty field, carried by the air that whispers at my strands loose from my ponytail. I face tall in front of him, chest puffed and chin high, but he stands taller.
He blinks at me, stares, and his eyes loses focus. "No," he breathes, his gaze losing that burning flame, but still with that knife-like look. "You don't, Addie."
"You're right," I snap back. "I don't. I said thought, as in past tense, so you don't have to worry anymore."
Trey's breathing falters, chest moving rapidly trying to absorb this new information. His eyes glaze with the most emotion I've ever seen on him. "I don't understand — "
"I didn't either!" I raise my arms up. "It was a mistake on my part," I sigh, sitting down again, wanting to calm my racing heartbeat. "I didn't want to ruin your relationship with Justine. I still wouldn't. But I thought... I was so sure." Pause. "But it was all a fraud."
A deadly silence. "How?"
I look at him then. "The whole time I was jealous of you two, of this tightening feeling in my chest whenever I saw you... I was scared that I'd lose you." I shrug. "As a friend, turns out. Things got out of hand, and I thought, gradually, you didn't need me." I swallow. "That you'd forget about me."
His eyes search my face. "Addie — "
"And it's also because of my competitive consciousness." I outwardly cringe at the nickname that Liv gave me. "I guess my overly competitive brain cells were shooting laser beams at you or something. It just made the whole 'you-forgetting-me' thing worse."
I bite my lip, horrified for his reaction. I didn't realise he sat down again until I feel his hand squeeze on my shoulder. "I wouldn't forget you," he says, confident, "ever. You're... you're one of the closest friends. I thought you felt the same way, but apparently you had your doubts."
I give him a weak smile.
"That's why I was so angry with you," he murmurs. "You don't have to tell me all your secrets, but the fact that you couldn't even trust me... you hurt me."
My chest aches. "How could I when the problem was you?"
He shakes his head repeatedly, rubbing his mouth like he's still recovering from the shock. "How did this... idea even develop?"
A laugh forces on my throat. "When you started ditching me for Justine."
"I did not — " he stops, pursing his lips. "Addie, if I knew you were uncomfortable with it, I wouldn't have done it. Hundred percent." I open my mouth, but he adds, "You're my friend — one that I've grown to cherish quite a lot — first and foremost."
His words make me melt into a puddle full of warmth. In a totally platonic way. "I still couldn't do anything, though. I was your wingwoman. You asked me to get you two together." I exhale deeply. "And I don't despite Justine. Not at all. I love her. So imagine how conflicting it was for me to think that I'd had the hots for you, but risked ruining your guys' love affair."
Trey cracks a smile.
I stiffen. "What?"
"Your choice of vocabulary never fails to amuse me."
I lets out a tired chuckle. He laughs harder, with light in his eyes. "Shut up." I punch him lightly, and maybe it's the aftereffects of our emotional scenario, but he actually slips a little. I hold him upright so he doesn't fall off the bleachers.
"So you had the hots for me," he repeats with a wink. I cringe. "But who solved the consequential equation?"
I shrug, but my chest is filled with a sudden ache. "Jude."
Trey doesn't even pretend to look surprised. "I see." He gives a knowing look in my direction, and I glare at him. He chuckles weakly.
Then he abruptly drags my arm and pulls us into a hug. My face is squashed on his chest, but I wrap my arms smoothly around his waist. We're comfortable like this. Our hearts beat as stable as clear water rushing through rocks.
"I'm glad you don't have feelings for me," he mutters against my hair.
I close my eyes. "Why?"
"Because that means I would've had to break your heart."
My heart tightens at the thought. To think that I was this close to breaking us apart... the truth breaks me. Steals my breath. Because I was so sure that it was my heart talking.
But it was my head, playing tricks on me.
And now I'm not so sure if I'll be able to separate them.
A/N: You just witnessed Addie's mental battle. But it doesn't end there.
After this chapter, things get heated up. Think of it as the build to the oncoming climax. ;) have a grand day.