A series of bellarke oneshots

Anxiety

I know this isn't really bellarke bellarke but I still wanted to write it. I know I have some viewers who struggles with anxiety and panic attacks. So this is for you. You guys have a special place in my heart.
Clarke's POV
It's easy to think from the outside that someone's got it all figured out. Because their outfit is on fleek or on point. They assume if you can't see it, it's not really there. That pain does not exist unless you are bleeding or your arm in in a brace. But sometimes the most painful demons are the ones you can't really see. I learned how to hide it. A smile, I learned how to grin and pretend that my insides aren't slowly ripped my organs apart.
I have anxiety. I have had since I was 8. There is only one person who I feel calm, safe with. And his name is Bellamy Blake.
When I have my panic attacks or just feel antsy and scared.
It feels like every cell in my body is moving so fast that my veins are blurry. Inside my ears it's like listening to a spastic drum line. It feels like bees in my ear. Like a broken white noise machine playing all of its sounds at once. And I don't even realize I am gritting my teeth or cracking my knuckles or rubbing my forefinger against my pinky or twisting the gold band on my middle finger. Holding onto myself like I'm the only lifeline bridging the gap between reality on my own two feet. And the excessively loud noises and sounds and feeling of fleeting crashing through my veins.
And I'm avoiding eye contact.
Not because I'm not listening to what your saying but because I'm listening to the sound of my own voice hoping that through your ears you can't hear that it is two octave too high and on the verge of breaking because my palms are sweating and I somehow forgot to speak with anything behind my words other than my insecurity. My anxiety feels like fire. Like unexplainably hot and rash and frustrating as a naw the inside of my cheek as if the solution to this feeling is buried between my teeth and gums. It feels like drowning but it feels like burning and it feels like fucking forever. I imagine my feet moving with trails of dust behind them like those cartoons because somehow it seems like I am moving faster than the 60 seconds they have allowed in a minute. All the while I'm just playing catch up stopwatch. And it doesn't add up like it did in high school mathematics. I can't carry the one and find the square root of the problem because most of the time there is no problem, there's no life or death situation. There's no rhyme or reason. There is just feelings and I am feeling all of them at once.
Some days are better than others. Some days are worse. But they're just days and I've got more where they came from.
So that's why I am so glad to be engaged to someone who reminds my how much I am loved, that it's okay to not be okay.
Sorry this is not really a love story but whatever. So I had this for an idea for quite some time and then watched a video. If you know who I am talking about I will love you forever.
May we meet again.