19 // Dani
I still dream about the assault. I have every night since it's happened. The dreams are flashbacks, a repeat of the images. The rocks being thrown. The punches. Laying on the ground. The blood splattered all along the sidewalk.
I try to avoid that area now. There are other train stations in the city. But they're inconvenient – the major one is the location of the battery.
Waking up in the middle of the night with a complete panic attack is distressing. I'm scared to sleep and that's if I even knock out. Sometimes, I just lay in bed and rethink, retrace, relive the entire experience. And I ask myself the same question – what if Pris were there? I know I couldn't have defended her. I also know she wouldn't have been able to easily defend herself. What if the rock to the head had been someone other than Lisa? I just can't keep thinking about this. But I can't stop thinking about this.
This another one of those nights. It's 2:37am. Everyone is asleep. This dark, silent apartment doesn't distract me from my invasive thoughts. I want to call Pris. But I can't stand for her to not see me strong. I've always been the strong one, the unemotional one, the cold one. I want her to be think that I can handle myself, not that I cry myself to sleep every night. Especially when I wasn't the most injured out of this. Toni and Alex suffered more, not to mention Blue and of course Lisa. I feel like I got off easy. I should have gotten back up quicker. I should have stood my ground more. I should have tried harder to fight these pricks off.
I need to get out of my room. I throw on some clothes, grab my necessities and leave. I walk. Walking at night doesn't make me feel safe but it makes me feel strong. That even after what happened, I'm not scared to move on, to own these streets. But I am scared. Every look from an unknown young adult boy is a reminder that this could be one of the strangers that have hurt me and my loved ones. And could hurt me again.
I call Cindy. She picks up considerably fast.
"Hey, what's up?" She asks, visibly concerned.
"Hey, could I swing by?"
"Of course," she answered. I hear some shuffling. "Yeah, you're gonna have to leave."
"I don't have to come..." I start saying.
"No, come over." She interrupts me.
I fight my profound desire to go back home and actually head towards the school. She has a single on campus. It's been useful for her nightly hookups but also for the general tranquility. Cindy has a lot of attitude; I don't think she would pair up with a roommate easily.
In about ten minutes, I'm at her dorm. I knock. She opens up pretty quickly.
"What's up?" She asks me.
"It's one of those nights."
"Get in here."
I walk in. The lights are dim. I see a thin stream of smoke while the window is wide open. She's been smoking weed. I sit on her bed. She sits at the desk and takes a hit. She hands it to me and I do the same. A couple of bowls later, we're both laying on her floor, staring at the ceiling.
She turns her head to and leans in, "Why did you come Dani?"
"I needed a friend."
"You've got friends."
"Yeah and you're one of them."
She laughs, "Fine smartass. What's up?"
"You know about the fight?"
"Yes but not thanks to your ass. Alex told me."
"Oh," I answer back, knowing she's about to rant.
"That's what I mean. I ain't your friend. I'm your friend when it's convenient to you. You're gonna have to start improving this friendship because this is some bull you're pulling Dani."
Even though it sounded like a fast-paced, neck craning scolding, Cindy's voice dragged all those words out in a steady, calm slur. It was surprisingly relaxing, compared to how her normal voice would have been. I like her like this. I like Cindy when she's high.
"But anyway, what about the fight?" she continues.
I sigh and stares back at the white, damaged ceiling, "I keep thinking about it."
"How so?"
"I feel weak. I feel stripped of my power. Like, how am I supposed to be there for anybody if I can't even take care of myself?"
"Who's 'anybody'?"
"Anybody."
"That's bull and you know it. Who are you supposed to protect? That girl you been seeing?" She asks. I stay quiet. She nods her head a little and leans back. She continues, "Yeah, I figured."
"I'm supposed to be her stud, like the strong one. I'm supposed to be able to be there for her..."
"That's your real problem. That you have to prove your label."
"What do you mean?" I question her, even though I have a good idea what she means by this.
"Since the day I've met you, you've always taken so much pride in your label as a 'stud', as if that label is an identity of yours not just a lifestyle or a word that defines a piece of you. You incorporate that word so deeply in your core, Dani. And I'm always like what do you have to prove to others with that? Or to yourself?"
I don't even know what to say. She may have a hit a core issue within my internal struggles. That's why me and Cindy have a love-hate relationship. She reads me too well. I don't like people who can decipher me that easily, mainly because I don't always have the same power on her.
She leans back into me, resting her head onto my chest, right under my neck. I try to stay conscious of how platonic her positioning is around me. I still think this is okay. If her hand start touching me though, I'm gonna have to start pushing her off.
"I wanted to call Pris and see her, but I didn't have to courage to do that."
"So I'm your backup now? This conversation is becoming more and more flattering you know."
"No. But you are the one I chose to see."
She smiles, and as expected, her hand lays on my abdomen. It leaves me a bit confused. A hand on my stomach is still innocent but not really, coming from Cindy. I'll let this slide. If she does anything after this, I'm calling quits.
"First of all, she ain't worth shit if she doesn't want to support you through what happened. Second, it's a major L to lose your fine ass."
I chuckle, "Thanks."
"Girls like that. They like when you open up to them because it shows that you trust them. Who doesn't like to feel trusted, especially in a relationship? See, had you done that with Kelly..."
"Why do you have to bring her up? Like I know I was an ass to her but, like, this has nothing to do with it."
"Nothing to do with it? Kelly broke up with you because you literally would not talk to her. Like you wouldn't share anything. She didn't feel trusted in the relationship, which means she didn't feel secure about it."
"Fine. Since when do you know anything about relationships?"
"What do you think all those guys and girls talk to me about once we're done? We lay in bed and they vent about their relationships and how shitty their love life is. You learn by listening. But you can only listen if the other one talks."
I nod. We remain silent for a while. I break the ice, "I saw Kelly the other day actually."
Cindy looks at me in disbelief, "When? I ain't seen that girl in ages."
"I saw her at Pulse 42 the other day with Pris."
"Seeing an ex while you with your new boo? Awkward."
"It wasn't bad. Pris was fine with it and Kelly isn't mad at me."
"Kelly was nice. I liked her a lot."
"I know you did."
She pauses before saying, "You need to open up more. Give people chances. Let them change your life. Stop this player bullshit; it's childish."
I nod, "Okay."
She sits up and says, "You really are a fuckboy."
"Where did that come from?"
"You better show this new girl something different. Cause you usually so flaky about getting serious with someone. Like you sometimes down with it, sometimes wanna be casual with it. Like whatever you want with this girl, be honest and go for it. And if you want a relationship, then like actually be with her. And what I mean by that is, open up, trust her, try to let yourself be vulnerable to this woman. If she's got any heart, she'll accept you. Hell, she might even fix you."
I motion that I agree with her, then yawn while she struggles to get up, saying, "wow, it's really hitting me now."
She almost trips and falls to the floor all over again. I laugh. She's a riot.
"You're right about a lot of things you know," I admit.
"I know, so believe me about the fuckboy shit."
"I will," I chuckle.
"I gotta go to the bathroom," she says, swinging the door open and disappearing from my sight.
I take the time to observe her room. The walls and ceiling are a faded white, from what I can tell through the dim lights. On one of her walls, she's got glow up stickers of stars. Even with low lights, you can see the little galaxy that is her wall. I stare at it for a while. It's calming. There are also posters of artists in hip hop and RnB plastered all over her other walls. She also has a wide variety of books, ranging from novels to autobiographies to educational books. She's far from dumb. She belongs in college, no doubt about it.
Cindy strolls back inside and closes the door. She takes her shirt off in front of me, ending up topless. I didn't know her nipples were pierced. She throws on another, more casual shirt on and gets back on the floor next to me.
"Hope you enjoyed the view," she tells me.
"I couldn't; I'm taken now."
"As if that's ever stopped you."
I roll my eyes at her and she does the same back to me. I look into her eyes for a split second. The silence had come between us. She gazes back into my eyes. Knowing the kind of moment this could turn into, I try to redirect the situation.
"You've never told me something," I say.
"What do you wanna know?"
"Why do you sleep around so much? Like to the point of a bad reputation?"
She takes a deep breath, "I have always been on lock down. My parents wouldn't let me do anything. I had to do my homework and stay inside after school. They didn't let me make my own money. So, I could never buy what I wanted, make the friends that I wanted, God forbid date the guys that I wanted. I was always stuck with their decisions for me. Then, my first boyfriend was abusive. He was ultra-possessive. He manipulated me, lied to me, stripped me of my worth. He would control everything – my money, my movements, my opportunities, everything. So when I finally broke free from my parents and Dereck, I vowed that I would never let any motherfucker take my freedom ever again. So I have my own job, I pay my own tuition, I fuck whoever I want, I have two tattoos because it's my skin and the best of all, I do whatever I want. Because I chose to do so."
I nod my head, "You never cease to amaze me."
"You have." She laughs at me, in her usual playful, flirty way. "I'm kidding. I never get sick of your cute face."
I smile and go back to looking at the ceiling.
"Thank you for being here with me," I say, feeling myself finally able to sleep.
--
It seemed unbelievable but it is true... I updated after, what, a year? It's summer again and I have time and I need to start writing something to get back into my rhythm. So, I will probably update some more over the summer.
I hope you all have had a good year so far and I am so deeply thankful for all the people who have waited for this update. Your comments and notifications have motivated me to finally write this piece.
Please feel free to vote and comment whatever you'd like about this chapter!
Take care