A U G U S T
I was feeling guilty for the shit that just went down. It was my fault no matter which way you looked at it. Jayceon was after me and to get to me he got to Kash. I haven't seen her since I walked out of the hospital room and that was a week ago.
She was staying with my mom while she recovered and my mom thought it was best that after everything she's been through that she shouldn't be alone right now. From what my mom was telling me she was holed up in the guest room.
"If I knew how bad you had fucked shit up then I would of came back into town sooner," Trey looked at me. He had flew in town yesterday after he heard about everything that went down. We were close but I wasn't honest with him about how bad shit had got after D died. I didn't want him involved but I had a feeling that this shit was far from over and once I told him all that went down he was on the next plane.
"I doubt that it would of made a difference. I wasn't listening to nobody, not Kash, not my mom, Mace."
"Speaking of Mace last time I talked to him he told me that you had a girl, a new girl."
I sucked my teeth, "It wasn't like that, she wasn't my girl she was just something to help pass the time. I haven't talked to that girl in months."
Last time I talked to her she told me to lose her number but it was funny how she was the one that was still blowing me up talking about she missed me and she was sorry.
"He also told me that Kashmere had a boyfriend."
I rolled my eyes at that, "That wasn't her boyfriend."
"Then what was he?"
"A lame. Some uppity rich nigga."
He must of found something funny by my comment because he cracked up, "So she pulled a Ciara and left yo ass?"
"She didn't leave me, we broke up."
"And who's stupid idea was that?"
I looked at him, "I thought it was for the best until I got my shit together but now I'm not so sure. I should of just kept my distance from her like I was supposed to. Maybe I should just stay away."
"Is that why you haven't gone to seen her since she got out of the hospital?"
I looked at him because I didn't even tell him that.
"I called your mom this morning. Look none of the shit that happened was your fault. He took the easy way out and I know your mad and beating yourself up but don't. You need to take some time, go spend some time with your family. I know you might think it's best to keep your distance from her right now but the least you could do is check in on her."
K A S H M E R E
Everyone decided that it was best that I wasn't left alone right now so I was staying with Ms. Sheila. She didn't ask questions or pressure me to talk and for that I was grateful. I appreciated her and everything she was doing but I just wanted to be left alone. I was humiliated, angry, confused, and ashamed. I couldn't help but think about what I could of done differently that day.
I had been out of the hospital for a week now and the first four days I couldn't bring myself to get out of bed. All I did was lay in bed and stare at the ceiling because every time I closed my eyes I had flashbacks of the days I was taken. I felt hopeless and helpless, like I was that same scared and traumatized girl I was all of those years ago when my dad was murdered right in front of me.
It took me long time to come to terms with things back then, realize there was nothing that I could have done. Now fast forward to over ten years later and now I felt scared and defenseless again. I times I was able to sleep I had nightmares. Waking up in a cold sweat, panting with my heart racing and looking around the room only to realize I was safe.
Everyone had called to check in on me but not the one person that I not only wanted but needed to see. I felt bad about what I said to August in the hospital and I was hurt. I knew that I wasn't the only one hurting by what had happened to me. I knew he already had to be feeling guilty so what I said to him probably only made him feel worse. I wished I could take it back and apologize but I haven't seen him since the day he walked out of my hospital room.
He called to check up on his mom and he called to talk to Kaliyah but he never asked to talk to me and I was scared to talk to him. I felt like maybe he didn't want to see or talk to me, not because of what I said to him but because of everything that happened. There was no telling who Jayceon sent the video to, maybe he was just as ashamed and embarrassed as I was if not more in a sense.
It was crazy how before everything me and August were on good terms but now I felt like we were back to square one. This morning was the first morning that I got myself up out of bed and after my morning shower I dressed and got Kaliyah up so I could give her breakfast. No matter how upset or down I was feeling she always put me in a good mood.
I sat with her while she ate her waffles and talked my ear off and I sipped from a mug of black coffee. I had only taken a few sips and Ms. Sheila walked into the kitchen and I didn't miss the surprise on her face when she saw me, probably shocked that I wasn't still in bed.
"Good morning," she greeted the both of us and we both greeted her back. She took out pans and I know she was about to cook.
"Did you eat," she asked me.
My appetite has been non existent, I wasn't hungry and only ate when she forced me and even then I only had a few bites of food before pushing my plate away. I knew that she was bothered that I wasn't eating like I should have been.
I was about to tell her that I wasn't hungry but the doorbell rang out making me jump and almost drop the mug that was in my hands.
"That's must be August, he said that he was coming by today. I don't know why he just doesn't use his key," Ms. Sheila sighed. At the mention of his name Kaliyah started getting excited and I decided that I wasn't ready to see him yet.
"I'm going to go upstairs," I told Ms. Sheila and quickly walked out of the kitchen and upstairs. I walked into the guess room and closed the door behind me. I sat on the bed and stared off into space. I didn't see how my life was every going to be able to go back to normal. The nightmares, the lack of sleep, the loss of appetite, I felt hopeless and the only light at the end of my tunnel was Kaliyah, if it wasn't for her I'm sure I would be worse off.
I knew that I needed to talk to someone and the only person I could think of who could listen to me and help me was my old psychiatrist, Ms. Baxter. I haven't seen her in years, before Kaliyah was born and I was long overdue for a session.
I laid down and before I knew it I was asleep but I woke up to a knock on the door. I don't know how long I was asleep but I sat up and told whoever it was to come in, I wasn't prepared to see August walk in the room. He walked in with a plate in his hand and closed the door behind him and I watched in silence as he sat down next to me on the bed.
He put the plate of food down on the bed and looked at me as if he was expecting me to thank him and dig in.
"I'm not hungry."
"You need to eat something."
"I said I don't want it."
"I didn't ask you what you wanted."
I bit my lip because I wanted to argue with him but I didn't have the energy. I glanced down and then back at him.
"Do you want me to feed you or are you going to feed yourself. It don't matter either way because your about to eat something."
I reached out for the sandwich on the plate and took a bite to shut him up. He sat and watched me like a hawk while I ate and once I had enough and couldn't eat anymore I drank some of the juice he brought me and sat it aside. He look satisfied by how much I ate so and for that I was glad.
He picked up the plate and the cup of juice and turned his back to walk out the room until I called out to him.
"How come you haven't been by to see me, it's been a week."
He was still facing the door, he didn't even give me the decency to look at me while he spoke, "I was busy, handling some shit."
I didn't know whether to believe him and I was offended by his answer. He was to busy to come and see me, knowing everything that I just went through?
He turned around and looked at me and when we made eye contact and I felt myself getting emotional so instead of continuing this pointless conversation I turned over in bed and waited for the sound of the door to close before I let the tears fall.
-
I smiled as Braeden and Danielle walked through the front door and made there way over to me. It was now the weekend and I told them to work and not to worry about me but it was Friday night and instead of going out they decided to come and visit me.
They both walked over and hugged me.
"I didn't hurt you did I," Braeden asked me once he pulled away.
"No," I smiled and then looked at Danielle who had tears in her eyes. The first time she visited me in the hospital she started crying and so did I and neither me nor her were the emotional types, well not before this situation.
"So how's work," I asked Braeden. Just because I couldn't go to work right now didn't mean that he couldn't.
"Good," he nodded his head, "Everyone misses you."
I was happy to hear that and couldn't wait until I could go back to work but with my ribs being bruised the doctor told me to take it easy for a while until they were completely heeled.
"I miss them to," I told him truthfully.
"Well we know you've been cooped up and so we decided to surprise you with a few things."
"Presents?"
"Presents," Kaliyah got happy as well.
"We didn't get anything for you," Danielle looked at her with a straight face and Kaliyah's smile dropped.
"Just kidding," Danielle reached in the bag and pulled out a large rainbow carnival sized lollipop.
Kaliyah reached for it with her eyes wide, "Thank you Auntie Dani."
"Your welcome sweetheart," Danielle kissed her cheek.
"It's late and she doesn't need that," I told them.
"Don't be jealous we got you one to," Danielle
"Don't worry we got you one to and much more," Danielle waved me off and walked over with the bag in her hand and handed it to me. I peaked inside and smiled and inside the bag was a whole bunch of candy and some books, scented candles and some bubble bath.
"We figured you should enjoy the time off, sit back and relax and enjoy yourself," Braeden added.
"Thank you," I looked at the both of them, "You guys know me so well."
We all caught up and I took the time to read the cards some of my students made me telling me to get well soon. I read each and everyone and told myself as soon as I got back that I was going to throw this big party to thank them all.
A U G U S T
I was woke up by Kaliyah. My mom convinced me to stay the night so that I could get a chance to talk to Kash forreal this time. After pouring me and Kaliyah a bowl of cereal I decided we could sit in the living room and watch cartoons while we ate.
"I know you two are not eating in my living room," my moms voice rang out just as I finished my bowl of cereal.
"It was her idea," I pointed at Kaliyah.
"Nah uh, it was daddy's idea," she looked at me and then my mom.
My mom shook her head before walking into the kitchen and I turned my attention to Kaliyah who was mugging me.
"You mad at me now?"
"Yes," she nodded her head and slid off the couch and I walked her walk into the kitchen. I walked into the kitchen to wash out my bowl and ran smack into Kash who was walking into the kitchen as well.
I let her go in first and she entered and say hello to my mom before leaning down and kissing Kaliyah on her cheek.
"Good morning," my mom smiled at her, "You hungry, I can make you something?"
She shook her head no, "I'll find something."
My mom looked at me giving me a look and I sighed. I knew she still wasn't eating like she was supposed to and also because she wanted me to talk to her.
My mom and Kaliyah left the kitchen while Kash grabbed the grape juice out of the fridge and poured herself a glass and took a sip.
"You gon' need more than that."
She looked at me but didn't say a word and walked over to the bowl of fruit on the table and grabbed and apple.
"We need to talk."
After I said that I noticed the way she tensed up and I noticed the glass in her hand starting to shake. She sat the glass down on the counter and avoided looking my way.
"Can it wait?"
I needed to know everything that nigga said to her. He may be dead but this shit wasn't over. I needed to know what he may of told her and I had plans to get her, my mom and my daughter out of here. Send them away for a while till shit died down. Once it did I was done with this life.
"I need to know what he said to you. I'm making plans to send ya'll away, you my mom and Kaliyah."
That got her to look at me, "What?
"Until shit dies down, you, Le-Le and my mom are leaving."
She frowned and shook her head, "I'm not going anywhere, I have a life, a business I can't just up and leave-"
"You don't have a choice."
"I'm sick of being left in the dark. I want to know everything that's going on. Starting from the beginning and then I'll tell you everything Jayceon told me."
"Kash-"
"I've just been through hell so the least you can do is give me the decency to tell me why."
I looked at her and sighed. Maybe I should have been honest wit her from the beginning. Maybe most of this shit could have been avoided.
"Lets go," I held out my hand for her to follow me and she just stared at it before hesitantly reaching for it. She wanted to know everything so I was going to tell her starting from the beginning.
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