** MATURE CONTENT AHEAD **
I spent the rest of the summer thinking about what Jasmine said. I had actually convinced myself that by the time Collin came back to school and our final year at Hampton began, I would be so over him that I wouldn't even answer the phone if he called.
I should have known better, but I didn't.
Kenney and I also spent a lot of time together that summer, more than Shayna and I after she moved in with Drama and, unfortunately, the more I realized that I wanted to be with Kenney, the more I realized that I couldn't have him.
He had gotten back with the same girl that he had been hanging tight with since the year before and didn't seem to have any plans of letting her go any time soon. She was the same girl, in fact, that he had introduced me to three years before at their $2 daiquiri night freshman year. I'm not even sure when they got back together.
Deidra was already out of school, totally had her stuff together and had never put Kenney through even a tenth of the BS, as his girlfriend, that I had put him through as his friend. Kenney could have a crush on me from here to the end of time, but he was in love with that girl...and I knew from personal experience that made all the difference in the world.
It was fun hanging out with him though, just like old times. I could tell Kenney things that I would never have even dreamed of telling anyone else. I remember once I read him this goofy poem that I had just spur of the moment pulled out of my butt one day. Even the title was silly: Copycat People.
"I've seen it all before/Said the girl as she walked through the door/ It's the same all the time/ Everything that happens is a copycat crime/ A rerun of life/ That's as dull as a knife/ To be different is a trend/ And going to church is really in/ It's so silly, can't you see/ When will you end this stupidity/ Not that it much matters to me/ Every song is a remake, every movie a sequel/ Every personality a replica/ Of the Copycat People."
Of course I tore the page from my notebook and ripped it up as soon as I read it to him.
Kenney shook his head. "Damn Tashi."
After that, he just laughed and laughed. Both of us had tears streaming down our faces by the time we were done. The funny thing was – when the last tear was shed and the last chuckle was out, Kenney taped the poem back together for me and told me to hold on to it.
"Never disregard your own feelings, darlin'. Sorry I laughed at you."
Then we looked at each other and busted out laughing again.
That was the thing about Kenney. He took everyone's feelings and everyone's ideas and opinions so seriously, yet he never missed an opportunity to show people what the heck was truly funny about life.
Which is why I felt like I could tell him anything. Anything that had absolutely nothing to with Collin. Kenney and I had gotten to the point in our relationship where we had known each other long enough to have unspoken rules between us. Rules that neither of us technically came up with, they just somehow were.
My rule for him was to never, under any circumstances, take anyone else's side over mine and, of course, to never, ever make Deidra sound like she was better than me. His rule for me was pretty straightforward: Don't say jack about Collin Stewart, ever...period.
And even though I repeatedly broke his rule for me practically every time we were together, my rule for him was always strictly enforced.
It was Kenney's own fault, though. He was the one that was always bringing Collin up, and every time I would try to change the subject he would somehow bring it right back to Collin. He did this, that is, until I had my talk with Aunt Jasmine. I guess he figured that if she couldn't get through to me, there was just no getting through. By the end of the summer, he had pretty much let the subject drop altogether.
By the end of our first month back to school, he had pretty much let me drop altogether, too. I know it pissed him off when I somehow ended up spending time with Collin again (don't even ask), but I figured that I was seeing and hearing from Kenney less more because he was putting all of his focus on Deidra than because of Collin. And why wouldn't he? I didn't blame him at all because, if you really want to know, I was putting all of my focus back into Collin.
Especially after the first time we had sex. I mean, I was head over heels in love with Collin Stewart after that. I didn't even know that it was going to happen, either, until it did.
You know the story. It started out just us kickin' it over at his place, watching movies, cracking jokes on the corniness of the early '90s, a "remember when" type conversation...when all of a sudden he kissed me.
Now, keep in mind, we hadn't officially gotten back together at that point. He was very careful about keeping our relationship strictly platonic this time around, because he knew that I would go for the "just friends" bit a lot faster than I would go for that whole "pick up where we left off" game.
So the kiss caught me a little off guard, but not much. I mean, we were up there trying to play friends, but it was no secret that we were still very much digging each other and just trying to hold out to see which one of us cracked first.
Now, you can sit there and judge our situation all you want, but when you've been friends with someone for as long as we had - as that person's friend, it's easy to love them unconditionally and let whatever happened between the two of you in the past...go. I mean, we weren't just regular friends. That was my homie, for better or worse – since grade school, and that allotted for all the forgiveness in the world.
Collin knew this, too, which is why he was able to pick the most chillinest moment of the most chillinest day to catch me off guard and tip my whole world right out from under me. I mean, I totally forgot about anything but the fact that Collin was practically my best friend and here I was falling in love with him all over again...again. It was just so...Disney. Of course I was going to fall for it. What girl wouldn't?
"Do you still love me?" Collin asked innocently, pulling away and transfixing me with his caramel brown, love/hate eyes.
"You know I do."
"Then tell me." It was more of a plea for acceptance than a demand. At least, that's the way I wanted to see it at that time.
"I love you," I whispered and meant every word.
"Tell me you want me."
It was true. I really did want him, so I told him so.
"Tell me you need me," he breathed, kissing me again.
Now he was pushing it. But I was so caught up in the kiss...in the moment, that I said it.
"I need you," and for the first time I realized that I really did. I needed Collin to love me more than I needed anything else in the world. He knew he had me then, and he let me know that he had me when he unbuttoned my shirt and slipped his hand inside. Then he pulled me closer and kissed my neck.
"Promise you'll never leave me," he whispered in my ear.
"I won't," I promised, falling right into the same trap that he had been laying out for me for over a decade. "I love you."
"Do you love me enough to stop seeing Kenney?"
I froze. It always came down to that. For a split second, common sense told me to take his hand out from under my shirt, put my shoes back on and hightail it out of there. But only for a split second, not long enough for me to seriously take the tiny warning into consideration. The thought vanished completely when I looked up into Collin's soul-bearing eyes and realized that I was willing to give up anything to be with him. Anything. There was a quiet chain that had bonded me to him from the first time we kissed, and the bond was so strong that it would take a heck of a lot more than a friendship with a guy that I had not even known a tenth as long as I had known Collin to make me break it.
And so it was written. As I reveled in the satin covered rope and even wrapped it seductively around my own neck, Collin knew the minute that I didn't blink to break his intense stare that I was even willing to give up my own freedom to be able to stay with him forever.
"I just want to be with you, ok?" he breathed, running his tongue along the outside of my ear.
"Ok..." My words trailed off as his hand slid between my legs and I let out a quiet moan.
"You don't have to never see him. Just don't spend so much time with him. We need this time to be together to work on our relationship. Other people can only get in the way right now." He waited until I opened my eyes and focused back in on him. "Right?"
I nodded. "Yes...ok, Collin. You're right."
He cuddled me close to him and gave me a soft kiss.
"I love you so much. I just want every inch of you," he started unzipping my pants, "all to myself. Ok?" He looked deep into my eyes and saw his own reflection permanently imprinted on my soul.
"Ok."
"You already know you have all of me, right?"
"Right." I squirmed when his fingers flitted up the back of my shirt and hit another spot.
"All of me." He gently grabbed onto my hand and slowly pushed it down to the front of his pants. "Even this is only for you. No one else. I promise."
I melted. Even Kenney had never been all mine before. It was right around then that our Disney moment turned XXX.
Collin kept telling me "I love you," but by that point I wasn't even listening. "I won't ever hurt you again," he promised sincerely. "I'm so sorry baby."
"I know. It's ok," I said out loud, but really I was just like enough talk. Let's do this. It's amazing the emotions that come rushing out when that dam finally breaks.