Luke listened to Calum breathe next to him, his breaths slow and even. Fast asleep.
They'd been so emotionally worn out after the conversation they'd had. Calum had cried and apologized so many times that the word started to sound weird; Luke had cried and accepted that he'd been a really, really shitty boyfriend and needed to do something about it.
Calum snorted a little and muttered something under his breath, his knee nudging Luke in the back. Let's be honest, okay? We need to be honest, Calum had asked--pleaded.
We really suck at communication, huh, Luke had replied. Not a question. A statement.
So they'd promised that they'd work to be better, not just to each other but to themselves.
Less running away from confrontation, Calum had said.
Less passive-aggressive masks, Luke had requested. Then they'd stared at each other for a second before collapsing onto the couch. Luke had flicked the lights on--more out of habit than actual fear, this time--and then he'd started to talk.
He couldn't control the words that came spilling out of his mouth, kept and cloistered for months out of fear that he'd upset Calum, or hurt Calum. So he let himself speak, with Calum quietly listening next to him, idly running fingers over Luke's knuckles.
Luke told Calum about what happened at the bar--him getting drunk, his friends asking about a girlfriend, and then a boyfriend, and the oohs and teasing that followed him for the rest of the night. He told Calum about his anger at himself for not being strong enough to come out to his high school friends, at his guilt for not owning up to it and, the worst part, his shame. Burning-hot and potent enough to bring bile up his throat, Luke told Calum about how he'd felt bad for being gay. About how he'd regretted even recognizing it in the first place.
I am a despicable human being, Luke had mumbled, right before Calum had crushed the air out of Luke in a tight hug that lasted for a very, very long time.
I wish you saw yourself like I did, Calum had said later, when they'd migrated to Luke's bed. But only you can do that.
I'm not much, Luke had replied, voice muffled by the pillow Calum had stolen as he fell asleep.
Yes you are, Calum had whispered back, voice fierce and harsh. Luke could hear how much confidence he had in that statement, how he believed it. You are so much, Luke Hemmings, and goddamn, I love you for it all.
Even now, at one in the morning, the words made Luke's insides feel warm. I love you for it all.
It was such a funny thing, to be loved and believed in by someone. Calum Hood loved him. Calum Hood believed in him.
Luke rolled over to face the sleeping boy, eyes tracing the planes of his face, the shadows created from the streetlight that filtered through the window. Snow fell thickly outside, soft and silent and pleasant to watch. A car passed by them, headlights making patterns on the wall, and a figure emerged from the apartment across the street, bundled against the cold.
The radiator near the window turned on with a rattle and a wheeze as Luke curled up closer to Calum, a soft, tentative finger reaching out to push aside the dark hair that fell across his forehead almost lazily.
Calum muttered something under his breath again; it sounded like the name of his sister.
A realization came to him in this moment, slowly descending onto him like the snow fell to the sidewalk outside; a light brush against his forethought, almost lost against the quiet peace of his mind. It was that he loved Calum Hood--a fact that did not surprise or shock Luke at all, for he suspected that he'd known for a while now, probably since Calum had showed up at Luke's door with coffee before he went to class.
It was all very simple and uncomplicated, this realization, differing from so many other aspects of their relationship.
"I love you," Luke whispered to Calum's face, breath brushing his forehead and cheeks, making Calum's eyelid twitch. He'd say it again, of course, when Calum was awake, but it felt fitting to say it now.
Maybe it was the snow outside, or the shared sheets. Maybe it was Calum's incomprehensible murmurings or Luke's quiet breathing.
Or maybe it was the dark, the kind he only saw after sunset. He was not afraid of it, not while he was lying here with Calum breathing quietly and his heart beating love love love against his ribcage. In fact, it was nice. Quiet, even. He'd maybe go as far to say that it was peaceful, something Luke had never considered nighttime to be.
Warmth eventually overtook Luke, and he found himself falling asleep, limbs heavy. Thoughts drifted through his mind, none lingering save for one--I love Calum Hood.
It was this thought that he fell asleep to, curled up under his blankets next to Calum.
-----
Calum woke up in the morning when Luke's alarm went off. Upon being unable to recognize the room he was in, Calum nearly had a heart attack before a warm, anchoring hand curled around his.
Oh, right.
He was sort of an idiot.
"What the hell're you doing?" Luke mumbled sleepily.
"I didn't know where I was," Calum admitted, flinging an arm over his face and feeling Luke sit up next to him.
"Well, you're in my bed."
Calum removed his arm to raise his eyebrows at Luke, before attempting to pull him back down onto the bed.
"No, Calum," Luke said. "I have to go to school." He sprung up. "And you get to go to work!"
Calum groaned. "I hate you and your stupid cheerful morning voice. I just wanted to kiss you, but no, we have to be fucking adults, fuck."
"Was that even English?"
"Oi," Calum said. "Not everyone is Mr. I-Can-Get-Up-At-Six-Like-An-Old-Man."
"That's quite a name," Luke teased, and Calum groaned, watching Luke get changed out of the corner of his eye. "I'm going to get something to eat. Want something?" Luke threw a pillow at Calum, who grumbled.
"Yeah, I want you to shut up."
"Thanks," Luke said drily. "Chivalry's dead. I even offered to make you breakfast."
"You can't cook for shit, Hemmings."
"I will tell you that I can make some pretty damn good scrambled eggs. And I can serve beer."
"It's six in the morning, Luke."
"It's either that or eggs."
"Fine. I'll eat some of your stupid eggs," Calum said darkly, glaring at Luke, who only grinned cheerfully. "Now leave me alone, you stupid morning person."
Luke pressed a kiss to Calum's forehead, who tried and failed again to pull Luke down to him. "Don't go back to sleep," Luke warned. "Or face my wrath."
"That line is much scarier when Caroline uses it," Calum called back. Then, to himself: "god, what a loser. But I'm dating him."
"I heard that."
I love you, Calum thought, then went back to sleep.
Later, after both Luke and Calum finished school and were riding the train home, Calum would tell Luke this aloud, and Luke would stare at Calum for a moment before asking him to repeat that because the train is really actually very loud and I had my earphones in.
So Calum would roll his eyes and he'd repeat and Luke would say it back and it fit so nicely and both of them would sit there, satisfied and slightly smug as they held hands.
And when they would walk back, Luke wouldn't flinch at the shadows and Calum wouldn't fear that Luke was going to slip through his fingers.
After sunset, Calum would decide, was his favorite time of day.
And Luke would agree.
-----
well.
that was very sweet and very sappy ew ew ew get this ship off of me please someone
I actually can't believe we're FINISHED. terminado. terminé. wow.
to everyone that has stuck through thick and thin while I struggled (at times) with this story--thank you so much. from the bottom of my heart. you have no idea how much it meant to me.
i'll be relatively active on this account--it may take a few weeks or so to get going again, but never fear, I'll be back! I want to finish an original story on my main account because I have plans to start a new one, but fanfiction is never far from the front of my mind. so i'll be back. WITH A VENGEANCE.
AGAIN--thank you thank you thank you so much.
I love you!
cara.