Oddly enough, the further apart Kenney and I seemed to grow, the closer Shayna and I became. I was sitting in the living room with her later that same evening watching Oprah when the phone rang.
She hadn't picked it up two seconds before she started screaming "Shut up! Quick Tash! Turn on MTV!"
I didn't know what the heck could be important enough to tear her away from the show that she breathed and swore by, but vague clarity came when we flipped the channel to some random dude doing the historical breakdown of - for some redonkulous reason four - characteristics of hip hop culture. I, personally, have always said that once the extreme over-analysis of hip hop became common practice, it was all downhill from there.
But let Drama tell it...
Must be Drama on the phone, I thought to myself. "Shayna, what the heck is this?" I asked, loud enough for Drama's silly ass to hear me over the phone, the extra loud TV and Shayna's groupie screams. Then I leaned in a little closer. "Hey, isn't that...dude from the first Real World? Wow..." I chuckled at Drama's apparent hidden love affair with what would soon become known as reality TV, and then squinted at the writing below. "What? Tell me that doesn't say Hip-Hop Historian." I rolled my eyes at the thought. We'd never be able to shut Drama up now that he had proven to us once and for all that there actually was such a thing.
"I told you it was a real profession!" I could hear him shouting into the phone. "That's all me, baby! All me!"
Shayna just kept saying, "I knew it! I knew it Rob. I knew you'd make it big, baby. I never doubted you for a second." She sat back into the couch and started grinning all starry-eyed into the television. "I can't wait to see you up there..."
I tuned them out after that. By then I was such a hater on anyone who was actually in a good relationship that it didn't even occur to me to ask her when they had started calling each other "baby." Or even when they had transcended their friendlationship from "maybe someday" to joined at the hip.
After they finally stopped sweatin' each other through the phone, why, oh why, did Collin spend the rest of that night calling me whining about how I needed to still believe in him, and how I couldn't give up on him yet because he promised he was going to get it right this time?
What. The hell. Ever!
That's just what I said to him, too. "Whatever." Before I hung up in his tired, pitiful, nauseating face.
Right on point, Kenney called like ten minutes after I slammed the phone down and cracked the receiver. I had to take the call in the kitchen.
"Waddup, darlin'? Why you sound mad?"
"Oh...nothing. I'm just pissed I broke my phone."
He chuckled. "Interesting..."
"Hey, I'm glad you called," I said quickly, changing the subject. "I never said thank you for the ride."
Kenney sighed dramatically. "It's about time your ungrateful behind thanked me for something."
"Shut up Bud." I pulled a green Popsicle out of the freezer.
"So...what's up?" he asked, vaguely.
It was weird how now Kenney, who once upon a time I could never get to shut up, rarely had anything to say when and if he did call.
"Nothing...I miss you." Silence. Not good. "Why don't we ever hang out anymore, Kenney?"
After a long pause, he answered reluctantly. "You know why."
Guess I had that coming. I didn't even have a response to it. Luckily, he went on without skipping a beat.
"So...what's up with you and Collin?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean..." he chose his words carefully. "What's up with you two? Is it serious?"
"You know it's serious." I hadn't actually, officially decided to give Collin up for sure yet, so I decided to just leave it at what it was.
"Yeah, I know it's serious," he replied ominously. It gave me the creeps the way he said it. Like he could foresee the end and knew just how serious it was about to get.
"No, not like that. I mean..." I switched gears. "You know what's weird, Bud? He always kisses me good-bye, but he never kisses me hello."
"Hmm... It's a sign." He was serious.
I laughed it off. "No it's not."
"Ok, it's not."
"You're such an ass."
"Maybe. But you like it."
I couldn't help but grin. "Maybe." I threw the popsicle in the sink when it started to drip down my hand.
"I know you do," he replied, back to his old cocky self. "Hey, let's hang out tomorrow. All day."
"Ok." I was surprised that I actually sounded as excited as I felt. Who knew I missed Bud that much?
"What are we going to do?"
"Everything."
"Sounds great."
"Your boy's not gonna pull crazy on you last minute, is he?"
"No...he'll be up in DC for the next few weeks."
"House arrest?"
"Kenney, why do I even bother talking to you?"
"Because you love me."
"Oh, right." I rolled my eyes. "I forgot. And for the record, we're not even from DC, ass. He's going for some fancy pants internship."
"Mm-hmm. Good for him." Did I detect a hint of sarcasm? "So anyway..." He pulled one of my moves and changed the subject. "See you tomorrow."
"Ok."
"I'm waking you up at the crack of dawn, negro, so be ready."
Yeah, right. I thought to myself. "Ok."
"Be ready."
"Ok!"
"I mean it. I know how you think crack of dawn is like ten a.m."
"Try twelve p.m. Do not call me before noon, Bud. I mean it."
"You just be ready when I call Tashi. I mean it."
"I'll be ready, but you heard what I said." I grinned into the phone, although I wasn't exactly sure why.
The next day, true to his word, Kenney woke me up even before the crack of dawn.
"Go to your window and look up."
"What?"
"Just do it."
"No Kenney. It's still dark outside."
"Come on Tashi. Please? For me?"
I never could resist...whatever it was...about him. He could always wrap me, and all the other girls, effortlessly around his super long, bony finger.
"Ok...for you." Even without him saying a word, I could tell he was grinning. "Kenney, I don't see anything."
"You don't see the moon?"
"No. I'm going back to bed."
"No wait. Go to the door and look up. I promise you won't be disappointed."
I sighed loudly into the phone. "It's too early for this shit, Kenney."
"It's too early for you to be saying shit, Natasha," he retorted. "Just hurry up. You're wasting time. The sun will be up soon."
Kenney waited until he heard the locks click and the door open before he spoke again.
"See it?"
"No. Not yet. Kenney, this is stup..." My words screeched to a halt like Wylie Coyote when he realized that he had just stepped off a cliff.
The moon was so low and it was so flaming red that it almost illuminated my very soul. It seemed to take up half the sky. I suddenly felt like the scene in Joe vs. the Volcano where he was stranded in the middle of the ocean, gazing up at the full moon and thanking God for just letting him...live...
"Just thought you needed to see that," Kenney said quietly.
"I did. Thank you."
"It's a harvest moon."
I laughed. "No it's not. Harvest moons only happen in the fall."
"Girl, whatchu know 'bout harvest moons?" he teased.
"Nothing. Just that it's smog making the moon look like that and not the harvest gods."
"You think it's beautiful, huh?" he asked, totally overlooking the fact that I had somehow become disillusioned with the whole entire world.
"Yeah, it is." I nodded into the phone.
"I think you're beautiful." For some reason, I didn't know how to react to that. Kenney cleared his throat. "Anyway, get dressed. I'll be over in thirty. We're going to watch the sun rise over Buckroe Beach."
And that's just how the rest of the day was.
Beautiful.
If Kenney planned his dates out half as well as he planned out "Kenney and Tashi's Day. Of. Fun!" I could easily see how the girls were always falling for him so hard and so quick. He was a natural charmer.
Not only that, but he always seemed to make things seem more fantastical and fairytale-ish than they had to be.
That's probably why it was like magic every time I was with him.
Every single time.
Everything funny that happened to us was always really funny. Everything that was cool between us was always mad cool. He just made everything way more...more...than it had to be. I'm not just talking about that day, either. I'm talking about since the day I met him. It had always been that way.
I just never noticed it until that day.
After looking at Kenney's "harvest moon," watching the sunrise over Buckroe, running through haunted houses and gorging ourselves on salt-water taffy at Waterside, and watching the sun set over Virginia Beach, we finally ended the night at Jasmine's.
Looking at Kenney from across the table and through the candlelight, I found it hard to believe that we had already known each other for almost four years. At the same time, though, it was also hard to believe that we had only known each other for less than four years. Time seemed to disintegrate around us. It was like a wedding ring. No beginning, no end. An endless cycle.
A me, Kenney and Collin cycle. One that was impossible to break out of.
At the thought of Collin, I instinctively straightened up and looked at my watch.
"Do you have to go?" Kenney's voice was quiet and unsure. He didn't sound like himself at all.
I looked over at him and suddenly realized that I had been having so much fun all day, I hadn't even noticed that Kenney's mood, like the sky, had become darker and darker as the sun went down.
"Oh, no." I shook my head. "I don't have to go anywhere. Why?"
"I just saw you looking at your watch." He shrugged. "I figured..."
"No." I cut him off. "I'm all yours for the entire day. I told you that." He didn't comment. "So what's up, Bud? I haven't gotten to spend this much time with you in a long time." I grinned at him. "Who knew I was missing so much fun!" Again, no comment. "Well?"
"Well, what?"
"Well...didn't you miss me too?"
He just smiled and swirled the last lime around in his club soda. I drained the last of my second Long Island Iced Tea - since by then we were old enough to drink - and noticed for the first time how loud the music was.
"Hey!" I shouted over the noise.
Kenney cracked up, almost spitting his drink out all over his immaculate Karl Kani button down shirt. "Why you talkin' so loud, Tashi?" He took the glass out of my hand. "That's enough for you."
"Bud," I acted like I was joking, but was really dead serious. "You know better than that. Never take a drink out of my hand."
I had meant for it to sound funny but, unfortunately, I came out sounding like an alcoholic instead. By the look on Kenney's face, I could guess that's just what he was thinking, too. I lit up a clove cigarette to divert my own attention.
"That is so nasty, Natasha. Put that thing out before my aunt sees it."
"What?" I looked around, finally tipsy, that last chug shooting the alcohol straight to my head. "This is a jazz club, Kenney. Everybody's smoking in here but you. Here," I leaned all the way over the table and tried to put my cigarette between his lips.
He waved his hand at the smoke disgustedly and told me to sit my "drunk ass down."
"You're no fun anymore," I pouted, trying to get the last corner of watered down drink out of my glass. I waved the waitress over and asked for another one. She looked at Kenney before nodding her head and walking away. That kind of pissed me off, but I didn't say anything.
Kenney took my hand and pulled it to him. "Tashi, why you been drinking so much lately?"
I laughed at him and mocked his serious voice. "Kenney, when have you ever known me to not drink?"
"Yeah, but..." he looked down at his strong, wide, rough hand covering - almost protecting - my narrower, blinged out (thanks to Collin) fingers and meticulously manicured nails (also thanks to Collin). It's possible that he was remembering my broken wrist from before. "...not this much, Tashi. Not this much. You just..." He was talking like he wasn't sure whether he wanted to say these things out loud. The old Kenney would have just come with it, and then sat back and waited for my reaction. "It seems like the longer you're with him...the worse off you get."
I snatched my hand away and accidentally knocked over his empty glass. Kenney caught it right before it shattered onto the floor and looked around once again to make sure that his aunt hadn't seen me at my personal best.
"What's that supposed to mean?" I waved the question away, agitated. "What's up with you Kenney? You're the one who's been moping around here lately like somebody broke your favorite video game."
He halfway smiled. "I hate video games." His unwavering gaze dissolved my every possible comeback. "I hate all games. You know that."
I decided to bypass what he was insinuating and rephrased the question, "Well, what's wrong with you, Bud? Why do you look so sad all the time?"
For a second, he only looked sadder. But only for a second. Then, just as suddenly, that inherited and well-practiced southern half pleasant, half tolerant mask went right back on and he threw the conversation back to me.
"Well, enough about me. You think you're slick Tashi. You can't switch the subject up with me that easy." He looked on expectantly. "So answer the question."
"What question?"
"What's up with you and Collin?"
"Oh please." I shooed at his words like I was shooing away a nasty mosquito. "I broke up with him last night."
Kenney continued to gaze at me, unimpressed.
"Why are you looking at me like that?"
I tried to give him my baby doll face, the one that I had always used in the past to work my magic and get him to answer just about any question I asked. But apparently that night I was just too drunk to execute an effective baby face – or, possibly, Collin had drained all of the innocence out of me by then - because all of a sudden Kenney just let me have it. I mean, he snapped on me like he wanted to reach across the table and slap the sense back into me.
"Because, Natasha, you're full of shit."
"What?"
Tears immediately sprang to my eyes. Not because of what he said, either, but because I suddenly realized how I had just ruined the most perfect day that probably either one of us had had in a really long time. I was so mad at myself for using alcohol to avoid Kenney's directness, and even angrier for being drunk enough and effed up enough to make Kenney curse at me, which he never did. The more I thought about it in my drunken, smoky haze, the more I realized that I was the cause of so many problems around me. The tears started to fall faster than I could stop them. It was so embarrassing that I didn't even want to look Kenney's way, until he picked up a napkin and started wiping away my tears.
"Tashi, don't cry." He glanced around guiltily, probably thinking his aunt was going to rush over and accuse him of not knowing how to treat women. Southerners were so funny.
"I'm not crying," I lied and took the napkin from him. Then I straightened my face and put the edge back in my voice. "I'm not."
"Ok." Kenney nodded obligingly and leaned back against the blood-red leather and cherry wood booth. "Look..." he put a hand over his heart. I loved when he did that. "I apologize." His gaze was direct and expressionless. His tone softened, but not much. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean...well, I wasn't trying to hurt your feelings. But you are full of crap, Tashi. And you know it." When I looked down and bit my lip to give myself a different pain to focus on than the one that was steadily burning a hole through my heart, Kenney reached out to brush his fingers softly against my cheek. "It's sad, but true. You'll always go back to him and...and I accept that now." He took a deep breath. "I'll never understand it, but I accept it."
"Kenney, I'm not going back to him this time." I sat up straighter. "I'm not."
Kenney didn't say anything else. He just watched me, like he was looking for some sort of sign that I meant what I said.
I guess he couldn't find one.
After a while, he just took my hand and played with my fingers. "You need to eat better."
I laughed through the last of my drying tears. "What?"
"I said you need to eat better," he repeated louder, goofy smile making its way slowly across his face. "You're too skinny."
I rolled my eyes. "Whatever dude. Look who's talking," but he was right. The clothes that had once hugged my body like a very fine glove now hung on me like a mortuary sheet.
Thinking about how ugly I must have looked to him, I started crying again.
I was drunk. And this was getting out of hand...
Kenney pulled his hand away, this time too confused to even try to react.
Right on cue, Aunt Jasmine breezed over from across the room and stopped right in front of Kenney, hands on her hips.
"Nephew," she stated accusingly. "What did you do to her?"
Kenney looked genuinely alarmed. "Nothing! She just..." his voice trailed off and he looked around her unyielding stance to me for a quick rescue.
I started laughing once again through the tears and snotted all over the place. Jasmine handed me another paper cocktail napkin and slid into the booth beside me.
"Baby," she sent her piercing gaze in Kenney's direction. "Go in the back and ask Chris for a cup of coffee."
We both knew that the coffee was for me. Only a fool would think that I wasn't drunk at this point. Kenney looked guiltily over at me once again before standing up.
"Aunt Jasmine..." he tried to explain himself one more time.
She gave him an understanding nod and shooed him away. After putting her arm around me and giving my shoulders a tight squeeze, Aunt Jasmine put her finger under my chin and made me look at her.
"Stop it," she demanded kindly, but firmly.
I almost jumped in surprise. "Stop what?"
"Stop crying over that boy." She made me lift my eyes toward hers again when I tried to look away. "Whatever he did to you, it's not worth all this."
"Oh..." I shook my head. "Kenney didn't do anything to me..."
Her penetrating eyes shut me up.
"I'm not talking about Kenney. My nephew better not have done anything to make you cry like this. Especially not in my place of business," she declared, sending a menacing glance toward the kitchen. "I'm talking about that other boy. The one you brought in here."
"I'm so sorry Aunt Jasmine," I apologized hastily and started playing with one of my rings. "I didn't bring him here. I didn't even know we were coming here until right before we came."
She took my hand and made me stop fidgeting.
"Look at me."
I didn't want to. I really didn't feel like meeting anyone's eyes right then, but when Jasmine told you to do something, you did it.
"I'm not asking for an apology. I'm asking you to show some respect for yourself. Stop letting him hurt you like this." For the first time I noticed that her grey eyes were somehow accented with tiny flecks of brown. Maybe that's why her gaze always seemed so cold and warm at the same time. "Stop hurting yourself like this."
I didn't know what to say. Kenney sure was taking a long time with that coffee. I looked across the dance floor, hoping that I would see him making his way through the crowd. Of course, no luck. He was probably taking an extra-long time on purpose, hoping that she'd be able to talk some sense into me.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized that this whole day might have been a setup from the beginning. Kenney must have been really worried about me to go through all that, and then to go and get his "don't eff wit' me" aunt involved. Truth be told, as nice as she was, I was halfway scared of her. I think she and Kenney both probably knew this.
"Don't you love yourself?" I looked away, embarrassed. "Natasha," she had a way of saying your name like she owned it...and you. I immediately felt like I had no choice but to sit there and take anything that she was about to dish out. "I wish you could see yourself the way everyone else sees you. You're beautiful. You're charming. You're intelligent...you could be anything in the world that you ever wanted to be."
I tried to laugh it off. "You're just saying that because you're Kenney's aunt."
She didn't laugh back. "Do you think I let just anyone call me Aunt Jasmine?"
I blinked at her. I had never thought about it before.
"Do you think my nephew doesn't know me well enough not to bring just any ol' body around me? You're one of mine, too, now. I'm not just here for Kenney." She smiled lightly. "My nephew can take care of himself. It's you that I'm worried about."
Her gaze held me like a deer in the headlights.
"I'm sure Kenney's given you more than his share of opinions about your relationship with that young man, and I know you're probably sick of hearing this...but you can do better. And I'm not just saying that because I want you for my nephew, either. I'm saying it because you can. I know you deserve better than to put yourself through all of this. Whatever imaginary hold he has on you, you have to see it for what it is. An invisible bond." She looked around pointedly. "I don't see him anywhere right now, do you?" I just stared at her blankly. "Then tell me, how is it that right at this moment he's still somehow making you cry? How is it that he's got you afraid that he's listening to every word I say, even though he's nowhere to be seen?"
She was right. I actually got a little paranoid at the thought of him listening to her talk about him like that. And when I took a quick glance around, it became more than clear how right she was about the entire situation. The only hold he had on me was with the choke-chain that I had seductively wrapped around my own neck and handed to him.
"Now, I know your family's far away, and I also know how much they like that boy." My eyes widened in surprise. She looked past it. "So maybe you feel like you don't have anyone on your side right now, and that everyone's thinking either he's not that bad or that you asked for what you're getting."
I wondered if maybe she hadn't been through the same thing to understand so well how I was feeling right then.
"But that's not true." She put her hand on my arm. "Your family – even though they may be far away – would never take his side over yours. And if you need somebody close by, well, me and Kenney are here for you. Rob and Shayna are here for you. That's a whole handful right there. We could take him." She was serious. "And if you ever think that you don't have anyone else in the whole world in your life besides that boy, just know that you have all of us and that you could come to any one of us for anything. We'll help you...if you ask. Any one of us would help you in a heartbeat. Whatever you need. All you have to do is ask."
It was on the tip of my tongue to tell her that I did need help, that I knew just as well as Kenney that when Collin came back, I would somehow look up and be right back in the same situation that I had been in and out of for the past year and a half. I knew it, Jasmine knew it, everybody knew it. There was just something stopping me from doing anything about it. I couldn't even blame it on fear, either.
If I could name any culprit at the time, I probably would have said that it was...
Love.
Aunt Jasmine nodded as if reading my mind, giving me a silent message that she understood. Patting my hand, she looked towards Kenney, who was slowly making his way over to us, making a special effort not to spill one drop on his aunt's already sticky and tracked up dance floor. Then she looked back at me with her piercing...yet sobering and comforting, hard yet understanding, warm and cold, grey and brown stare, and gave me a warning that I'll never forget. I'll never forget it not because of what she said, but because she said it like she was not just stating a fact, but reading into my future.
"You have to be careful," she warned "of the forces that you welcome into your life." She said it almost in a whisper, but I could somehow hear her clearly above the background buzz of the club and the alcohol pulsing through my ears.
That's all she said, too.
Be careful of the forces that you welcome into your life.
And she was right. What's too easy to bring around you is always that much harder to get rid of. But I was so in love, what could I do?
Eventually Collin slithered back into my life like a serpent in the grass. And he was so slick about it that I didn't even know that he was coming until he was already there, surrounding me, engulfing me...sucking the very blue out of my sky and the very brown out of my eyes.
I know that's what he did, too, because one day I looked up and suddenly everything I saw was grey.