A/N- I know that you all probably hate me for not updating, and I could give out a shitty excuse and say that I was "busy," but honestly I just couldn't write. It was a constant battle of either having inspiration but no motivation, or having motivation but no inspiration. I just had to push this chapter out of my body, but after getting to write the ending of it, I finally feel like I'm back in my groove. I'll say it again, I'm so so sorry to keep you guys waiting. And also a huge thank you for getting this story to over 19K, that's so freaking amazing you guys! I love you all so much and will try not to go off the grid again. So, without any more waiting, here's chapter 25. Happy Reading!-Zenovia
Armin's POV
Chapter 25
Sometimes, silence speaks volumes. The words that you're desperately trying to push out of your body, is trapped in the stuffy atmosphere that surrounds you. It's awkward, and it feels like it's going to last for an eternity, and so many different emotions are rushing through your bloodstream that you don't know what to think. The thoughts in your head are clouding your judgment and the only thing that you can keep in track, is the constant pounding of your heart that is ringing through your body because the silence, well, it's deadly.
We lock eyes, and it almost feels like my heart stops. I don't even understand how in God's name I was able to utter any words to him, but my heart took over the matter, just like it always does. He doesn't say anything for the longest time, and I'm almost worried that I dreamed all of this. That when I blink, I'll still be in that white room for the rest of my days, but luckily he fumbles around with what looks like to be my phone.
His hands are shaking. Eren's hands have never shook in front of me before. The sight is actually a little unsettling, but I guess he does have a justified reason as to why he's quaking in his boots. I glance at him once again and feel my eyes stare a little too long than I'd care to admit. Now that I'm alive, I start to really take in the events of what put me in this situation in the first place. I bite my lip, and try to take a deep breath. So many feelings are making my body feel almost numb, so I try to concentrate on my breathing instead of dwelling on the obnoxious elephant in the room.
I raise my eyebrows at him, "You know, for just waking up from trying to kill myself, it's probably not the best idea to be snooping on my phone. You've already lost a lot of my trust as is."
I know that it's a harsh thing to say, but this isn't something that we can put on the backburner and not discuss. I realize that Eren probably knows that he fucked up, but if there's any hope of trying to sew this mess of a friendship back to a wearable state, then the both of us need to take some of the blame for the events that happened a few nights ago.
Eren stutters on his words as he fumbles to put the phone back onto the bedside table, "I-I wasn't...it's your grandfather, he's on his way over to see you I think." He finally drops his gaze from my eyes and the tension in the room grows with each passing second. He's waiting for me to explode like I did in the rain. It looks as if he's hoping it will happen because I think deep down, Eren regrets everything that night, and probably holds himself accountable for my choice of using a razor to get what I wanted.
But I don't want to talk to him right now, hell I don't want to give him the time of day at this point. I know what emotion I'm feeling right now, and it's anger, frustration, and even just a dash of hate. I hate him right now because he put me in here, but yet I still long for him. He still makes me feel...something. I don't know what it is, but it sets my body on edge and I just want to shut myself closed from him. I hate that my heart still pounds and I gaze at him for longer than normal.
"Listen, I think you should leave. I'm tired and don't really want to talk to you. Why don't you go back to your perfect boyfriend, and your perfect life. I wouldn't want to cause you any trouble." I say sarcastically. He stands there with a stupid look on his face. His mouth is slightly open like he's trying to figure out a snarky reply, but Eren's not the best with his words most of the time. I roll my eyes after a few seconds of looking at the brunette, and I turn on my side so my back now faces him. I lay down and try to relax, but unfortunately I hear Eren finally move his feet so he gets on my side of the bed.
"Armin, I really think that we should talk ab-" I interrupt him by groaning as I turn onto the other side. I'm not in any mood to talk him. All I want to do is to sleep, and get mentally prepared to see friends and family show their worried faces in the depressing atmosphere of this hospital room.
Eren tries a few more times to utter a simple sentence, but I finally snap a little and sit up abruptly, which startles him, and pains me from the soreness of sleeping for so long in an uncomfortable position for who knows how long.
"Eren. Listen to me. I don't want to talk, or see you right now. I'm tired and could care less about how 'sorry you are.' You promised me something, and I was stupid enough to actually believe that you'd keep that promise. Ever since you started dating Levi, you pushed me away. I never got to see you because of your fucking boyfriend, and you let it happen. You never missed me until Mikasa and every other person in our friend group told you that something was wrong." I glare at him and release a little bit of my frustration.
Dumbfounded at the things that I've stated, he still just stands there like a child caught red-handed trying to steal a cookie from the cookie jar. Although, he seems to keep surprising me as he tries to talk his way out of this. I shake my head and point at the door. "Leave! I don't want you here. I don't want to see you for a long time Eren Jaeger." I keep my eyes focused on the door because I really don't want to see the expression on Eren's face after I repeat myself like that. Eventually, I see the back of his head as he exits the small room, and now I'm left with my thoughts once again.
I set my arms in my lap and my eyes are now transfixed on the tight bandages on my wrists, running through most of my forearm. A small IV is inserted in my right hand, and aches softly with every move I make. It's all just a steady reminder of what happened only a few hours ago.
I try to close my eyes and forget, but I keep seeing the same scene over and over. I can still hear his screams and the rain that sounded like the background noise on the endless record. I put my hands over my ears and whimper out in frustration.
Eventually, doctors in bright white coats come in and talk to me, but I've already been through this once in my life, so I already know the drill. They're gonna tell me that if I give up an arm and a leg, that I can get into this really good facility that will help me cope with my depression, but it looked like all of the money and pills in the world couldn't fix the lack of dopamine and serotonin in my brain the first time. Besides, they don't really care about getting me better, they just want a bigger paycheck, and fixing a broken boy like me seems like they just hit the lottery.
While the doctors talk to me, I just decide to zone out and stare out the window that is in between all of them. The stars are starting to come out, and I can make out some of the multiple constellations in the nights sky. I long to turn back time and go back to the night when Eren showed me his thinking spot. I'd either tell past Armin that I shouldn't talk to the brunette again cause he was a stupid liar, or to just tell Eren my feelings right then and there, it would save me from being in this hospital room with all of these overbearing doctors.
Soon after they all left and told me a step by step plan as how to get better, I finally get to have some piece to myself. Tomorrow would come the uphill battle.
My phone buzzes every few seconds with new texts, voicemails, and phone calls. It's as if I'm a famous celebrity, but in reality, I'm just sick, in every sense of the word. I'm now labeled with not only a sexuality, but now by an illness. I'm no longer, Armin Arlert. I'm depressed Armin, anxious Armin...suicidal Armin. That's all I'll amount up to be now. People won't talk of my intelligence or creativity or kindness. They'll only cradle me like I'm a child, treat me as if I'm a beautifully ugly sculpture of glass, that's on the verge of breaking, but the thing is, I've already been shattered.
I don't sleep that night.
I lay awake and look out the window of the tiny room of solitude that they've imprisoned me in. I recall textbooks in grade school all about the constellations above me now. One of my favorite myths was about Orion and the Scorpion. Legend has it that the valiant hunter Orion, and the Moon Goddess Artemis were good friends, maybe even lovers, but the two could never meet since he was on Earth, and she revolved in the skies. On one day however, temptation overtook her, and the goddess abandoned her post to go hunting with the man.
In fear of her chastity, Artemis's twin brother Apollo sent out a large scorpion to kill the hunter to settle the whole affair. Orion fought the beast hard and long, he had the upper hand, and just as he was about to kill the assassin, the goddess appeared and Orion lost his concentration long enough for the killer to sting him. Outraged, Artemis sent the creature flying into the nights sky, which some people believe produced the zodiac sign, Scorpio. The goddess wept for hours on end, until finally, she and her lover went into the sky. She placed him upon the stars in the sky and he became a constellation himself. Orion, the hunter.
The myth places so much truth into everyday life. Even the sweetest of things can end up hurting you in the end, and happiness is not always forever. I understand that more now then ever. Love is something not to be meddled with, it is to be handled with care in fear of something breaking, but in the end, it's the person who breaks, not the glamourous word that has empty meanings anyway.
So I look at the stars all night, until the sun makes them all vanish. Today will be harder than yesterday. Everybody that has treated me like a friend has heard of what I'd done, or at least tried to accomplish. My grandfather had texted me that morning saying he'd be at the hospital around 5pm.
I can't imagine what he's going through right now. He's not only had to do this once for me, but now twice. I remember the doctors telling him all the complex explanations about what was happening in my brain, and why I did what I did. The look on his face will always be imbedded into my memory. After the first time, he started researching everything on depression, trying to understand why the chemicals in my brain were not always working the way that they should've. I should be the one worrying about him. He's getting up in age and might not have as much time as the both of us think he has, but he shouldn't be having to take care of his now twenty year old grandson.
Instead, I see friends, and even teachers in the morning. They all have somber smiles on their faces, as if I actually had died and this was my funeral. I hide my arms underneath the blankets the entire time somebody is in my room, nobody deserves to see what damage I had done, luckily, most of the damage is on the inside. They all spoke of happy things, trying to stray away from the topic that they were sitting in a hospital room with a person who they once thought to be "okay."
By afternoon, the white room is exploding with bright tacky colors. They all range from the petals on flowers, to the small details on balloons. All of them are much to obnoxious, until a familiar dark red color walks into the room, in the form of fabric.
I glance up and feel my heart drop as I stare at her. I can tell that she hasn't gotten much sleep, and that she's been crying recently. Her dark eyes are already filling up with tears, and I think for a moment, that this is the first time that I've ever seen Mikasa cry, and it of course, is because of me.
"I-I shouldn't have let you get out of that car..."
She gasps for air as if her life depends on it and she makes sounds that I thought a person could have never made before. Before I know it, that dark red scarf is all I can see, and warmth is enveloping my whole body. I can feel her shaking, and soon, I start to cry with her. No words are exchanged for the longest time that she is in the room, we just sit there and weep. We weep for whatever reasons we want. For the heartbreak, for the regret, for the guilt. Anything that we come up with, we cry about.
We soon get all of our bearings in order and try to communicate with each other without sounding like dying whales. "How's everyone taking the news?" I ask softly.
She shrugs and sighs, "Jean and Marco are planning on visiting you tomorrow, Sasha has been eating her feelings, Connie bakes for Sasha to keep himself distracted. Annie is heartbroken of course, you're like our little brother. Christa hasn't gotten a lot of sleep lately, but Ymir is keeping her sane, and Reiner and Bert have just been keeping to themselves lately. Everyone was taken aback by the news, but we're all here for you...I know that's not what you want to hear right now, but I'm gonna tell you that every day until you feel a little bit better."
I nod and hold her hand for support, she rubs the top of my hand with her thumb, not even flinching at all of the bandages that wrap around my arms. "W-What about Eren?" It takes all the strength in my body to say his name, but when I say it, it leaves a sour taste on my mouth that I can't seem to get rid of.
She bites her lip and glances at me, "He um...isn't taking this well. Him and Levi are apparently "taking a break," whatever the hell that means. Rumor has it that Levi hit Eren a few days ago and they haven't talked since. Hell, Eren won't talk to anybody right now, he just stays inside his dorm room and just goes to the lunch hall, gets food, and goes back to his dorm. He won't even talk to me anymore, which hurts because I'm worried about the both of you. There hasn't been a word of where Levi is either. Nobody has heard from him, not even the basketball team. Who knows, he probably got recruited by some big team and got away before he could get into any trouble because I swear to god Armin, if I ever see that fucker again, he'll be the one in a hospital bed." She squeezes my hand tighter and I wince a little at the pain.
The words run through my head as she finishes talking about Eren. Was he always in an abusive relationship and just didn't tell anybody? But like Mikasa said, it might've just been a rumor. I sigh and rest my head on her shoulder. There's no more talking between the two of us because we both know our feelings towards this fucked up situation. I close my eyes as she plays with my blonde hair, and before I know it, I finally fall asleep.
There's no dreams anymore. No happy ones, but no bad ones either. Just dark silence, which is maybe what I need. I wake up, and the sun is starting to set. I still can feel the warmth of Mikasa laying in bed next to me. She's snoring softly and I can see a little bit of drool on her pillow, the sight actually brings a small smile onto my face, but it soon gets replaced with a shocked expression when I see a small grey haired man, sitting in the chair in the corner of the room.
I sit up and gulp nervously. My mouth becomes dry and my stomach is doing nervous flips inside of me. I feel Mikasa toss and turn on the bed until I see her dark eyes flutter open. She yawns and sits up, rubbing her eyes until she too notices my grandfather sitting in the room with us.
She quickly gets off from the seat and tries to fake a smile. "Mr. Arlert, it's a pleasure to finally meet you, I'm Mikasa Ackerman."
My grandfather smiles as well and shakes her hand, "It's nice to meet you as well darling, Armin has talked of you in great fondness, but if it wouldn't trouble you Miss. Ackerman, could I have some time with my grandson?"
She quickly nods her head and walks over to me, kissing my cheek lightly and then my forehead, "I'll see you tomorrow, I love you, Armin."
I nod and try to put on a real smile for her, which isn't as hard as I thought it would be, "I love you too, Mikasa." And with that, she's out the door, and it's just me, and my grandfather.
He walks over and sits at the chair next to my bedside. He doesn't speak for the longest time, until he observes my room and makes a face that's filled with almost disgust.
"Let's go on a drive." He says simply.
I furrow my brows and cock my head in confusion, "Grandpa, I don't think that the doctors will let me leave this room. It's like they have me on lockdown here."
He grunts and stands up to look out my window, "The sunset is too beautiful to miss it tonight, we're getting you out of this room if it kills me." He then helps me up shakily and my knees wobble slightly at the feeling of walking and not laying down in a bed all day. I glance at him, and it's like he's teaching me how to walk for the first time. Step after step he smiles a little and tells me words of encouragement because this is now my life, having to be retaught things that seem so easy, without the heavy cloak of depression.
Luckily, I get the feeling back in my legs and I'm walking easily. It's exhilarating and maybe it's just what I need. The only problem with our little plan is that I'm hooked up to multiple wires and machines that are pumping who knows what into my veins every few seconds. I end up just pressing the call for help button above my bed, and suddenly my primary doctor and nurse are in the room with my grandfather and me.
They try to explain to him that, "It's not safe to be having Armin already going outside. If something were to happen to him, we wouldn't be able to do anything to help him."
I've never actually seen my grandfather get angry, but when he does, it's not a pretty sight to witness. "And like anything in this room is helping him get better. Just give me until the sun sets to get him back here. All he needs is a little fresh air instead of being locked in this jail cell of a hospital room. All he needs is some time at the ocean with his family, and that's free of charge, rather than pumping him full of drugs that cost a fortune that only work half of the time. I promise you that this will help, you have to trust me." His face was getting red and his hands were shaking.
In fear of my grandfather going into an all out rage, or even worse, having a heart attack, all of my doctors decided that I would be permitted to go outside for an hour with my grandfather. He smiles happily at me and grabs my hand once all of the doctors have removed the tubes from me. I change in bathroom next to my room, and it actually feels comforting to have my own clothes on again.
He takes me out to his car and I get into the passenger seat, we don't talk while he drives. I turn on the radio and the song "Light" by Sleeping At Last comes on. As I listen to the strong lyrics of the song, I look out the window at the sky. The sun is setting, but not the sunset that wow people and have them write emotional stories about. It's the sunset that hides behind all of the clouds surrounding it, trying desperately hard to go unnoticed. Dark red horizons stretch out for miles and miles as we drive, as if wanting to stay out for as long as possible, but the dark clouds snuff out their flame too late, too soon. Yellows and light blues decorate the higher atmosphere, with few stars daring to sneak out of hiding for an early appearance. Everything seems tranquil, as if cities many miles away never existed in the first place. As the moon soars in the sky and sun sinks behind the horizon, little fireflies light the road, as if they're guiding us into the direction of our wandering.
I hear it before I actually see it, then again, I also smell it as well. The fresh salty air enhances all of my senses. Suddenly my mind is buzzing and I have goosebumps on my skin. My eyes are taking in every single detail of what the ocean looks like, and we're not even that close yet. But this isn't what actually shocks me, it's what I look like in the mirror.
I'm smiling a great, big, ugly smile that shows all of my teeth and stretches my skin a little. I bite my lip as I see my eyes light up like this, then I look over to my grandfather, and he's already crying, but yet smiling, and then we're both crying for all the right reasons. We pull up to an abandoned parking lot and walk down to the beach. The sounds of the waves crashing up on the sand have me in a run.
My breathing is hard and heavy, as if I'm running a marathon to get to my goal, but once I reach it, the ache in my side is all worth it. With the sun still giving out the last bit of light that it's collected, everything looks as if it's glowing radiantly. I grin happily and walk down to put my feet in the water. I squeal at the coldness of the water, but yet I go in a little deeper, until I'm up to my thighs. I splash around and laugh. The feeling of laughing seems so foreign that I actually get a little scared by the sound of it, but after listening to it a few more times, I'm laughing up a storm.
I glance back up at the beach and wave at my grandfather whose watching me with a proud look on his face. I walk back up to shore and instantly give him the biggest hug I can.
This is better than any medicine that the doctors can pump through me. The harsh, salty air strips away any sadness that subsides in my body. The waves of the ocean drown out the dark thoughts in my head, and the soft sand warm up my cold body.
We lay on the sand and look up at the sky, by this time, all of the light from the sun is gone, and instead is replaced by the same constellations that I was looking at last night. However, looking at them in this point of view, makes everything seem so much bigger and brighter and better.
We talk about random things, and we talk about the more pressing matters, but in a place like this, they don't seem as sad. I learn that he isn't mad or angry at me for doing what I did. He was just scared when he found out from a phone call from a doctor at the hospital. He said that he'd stay in town until I was done with school for the year, then I'd go back to New York with him and spend the summer there. I smile at the thought of the familiar house that I grew up in.
As we talk, I look up at the constellation Orion again, and just like last night, I think about its story. I turn my head and glance at my grandfather, "Grandpa, how do you know that you're in love? I mean was what I was feeling for Eren, just infatuation and nothing more because I feel like my love with him was so one sided that maybe it wasn't even love."
He sighs and scoots over to me closer and closes his eyes as he talks, "Armin, love is not confined to a simple definition that a scholar makes up because that's what the individual thinks of the word. It can not be defined by words at all actually. It can only be explained in moments. Love is being able to sleep in after staying awake for hours on end. Love is dancing to your favorite song and pretending that nobody else is there. Love is the leaves changing to beautiful colors once fall comes. Love is jumping into a pool on the first day of summer. Love is making a snow angel in snow that hasn't been touched yet. Love is getting butterflies when you have your first kiss. Love is seeing the ocean for the first time. Love is saying hello and smiling. Love is hard, love is strange, love is fighting, and love is forgiveness."
I stare at him in amazement, not being able to find any words to say at his small speech. He then opens his eyes, "Have you felt that with Eren?"
I think of all the things that he listed off of his list and add a few more to it. Love is writing a phone number in sharpie. Love is cuddling to scary movies. Love is staying out after curfew. Love is writing. Love is loving the idea of falling in love.
I nod my head slowly and glance back at him. He smiles softly and closes his eyes again, "Then you loved him my boy, it's as simple as that, and if you still feel 'in love' then you're still in love with him, and that's all there is to it."
We drive back to the hospital and I think about everything that my grandfather had said on the beach. I still wanted to feel in love, but only with him. Only with Eren. It's weird and it's confusing, and trust me, we have a long way to get back to where we were, but I'm willing to make the effort.
I sleep in my regular clothes that night. The machines are back pumping medicine into my bloodstream, but I know that it will never compare to the things I learned and saw tonight. My grandfather kisses my forehead and says that he'll come and see me tomorrow, and I smile.
My dreams are filled of the ocean and the sky, the first good dream that I've had since I woke up from my coma. The dream is so amazing that it pains me when I squint at the sharp sunlight coming in through the window, but it's not the light that makes me open my eyes. Instead a familiar face is trying to be quiet as he puts an object on my bedside table. I sit up and rub my eyes, until I finally figure out whose in my room.
His eyes go wide at my waking up and he fiddles with his fingers. I glance over to the table and my heart jumps out of my chest as I see the notebook that I'd thrown at him a few nights ago. I stare at it for a few seconds until my eyes go back to Eren, who looks like he's going to be sick any moment.
"I-I'm sorry I just thought that maybe you would've wanted it back...oh god why would you want this thing back, I'm sorry. I-I should probably go, I know that you don't want me here, besides you should probably rest...I-I'll leave..."
"Eren." I sit up and grab his arm, I know that if I do this, there's no going back. I glance at my hand on his wrist before I look up at him. He looks nervous, and scared, and confused at my actions.
"Stay." I mutter softly. His facial expressions turn to shock and disbelief, but yet he relaxes and for a moment, I swear I see him smile.
And so he stays.
Love is staying.