She was still asleep, curled up in her usual way that I had jokingly told her resembled a cat. I put my hand on her shoulder and feeling the chill on her skin, pulled the covers up over her and edged back out of bed. Downstairs I crashed about making breakfast for us both, and fired up 'The Beast' as the coffee machine had been named, it needed to be a beast with the quantity of the stuff we drank.
It was a rare morning that I was awake before her and even more so for me to be able to dance around to the radio in the kitchen whilst she slumbered on, I wondered if perhaps she was coming down with something; that would explain it but she was almost never ill and she still got up and pottered around even if she was. The plate of toast, jars of jam, marmalade and honey and two steaming mugs of coffee just fit on the tray as I balanced it on one hand, making my way back upstairs.
"Morning sleepyhead" I called from the door as I shoved it open with my foot; but there was no movement from her, I put the tray down on the dressing table and picked up her mug, kneeling on the floor beside the bed I passed it back and forth under her nose so the scent of coffee would pierce through whatever dream she was enjoying too much, then it struck me; the room was too quiet, except for the sound of my breathing; there was no answering murmur from her lungs, there was no gentle rise and fall of her chest.
The mug fell, unheeded, from my grip.
Tears sprang from my eyes as I pulled myself up onto the bed and gathered her inert body into my arms, rocking back and forth in a vain attempt at comfort, time seemed to have frozen as the shock of loss burrowed its way slowly into my soul.
~~~
It was a typical Scottish day, the sun was shining, somewhere, but the mist was keeping it at bay around the Set, not that any of the crew noticed, they carried on regardless. I wondered how the 'new girl' in the cast was coping, she wasn't a hardy Scottish woman, but a soft southern English woman and I doubted they had mists like these. She was probably huddled under a duvet in her trailer trying to call her agent to get her out of here.
Emily, my co-star, grinned as she headed towards me, day one back on set was always stressful but we had become good friends over the last two years and it had become a habit to hug each other whenever we met 'off-duty' but on set, despite the trouble it caused amongst the fans who swore we were a couple in real life.
"Have you met Tara yet?" She asked as we moved apart.
"Nae, not yet, I'm guessing she's wondering what she's done to deserve ending up in this damp misty place," I replied, sweeping her hair out of her eyes.
"Stop that!" She muttered, knocking my hand away "The fans are incorrigible enough without you adding fuel to the fire!" I grinned,
"Perhaps I should encourage them to think we've argued and I'm now with the new girl, what was her name again?"
"Her name is Tara and she would prefer it if you didn't start any rumours before we even begin working together." A precise and not altogether friendly voice said, Emily's smile was enough to tell me if the icy English accent hadn't been, that Tara was not huddled under a duvet in her trailer, but was instead standing right behind me. I turned, a guilty half-smile on my face and looked down into eyes brimming with indignation, I gulped.
"Guid mornin' Tara, I meant nae offence, the fans can be overzealous sometimes and I find it easier tae get past the silliness by joking aboot it. Obviously, I wouldna be able to start a rumour aboot someone as beautiful as yeself, without getting my heid smashed in by your partner!" My hands raised as though in surrender
"Good grief! I thought you were exaggerating Emily but he really is that smooth!" she said, her eyes now dancing with mischief and I heard Emily snort with laughter.
"Oh, you got him good! We are definitely going to be best friends!"
~~~
Eventually, I surfaced again and unable to grasp even simple tasks; I did the only thing that made any kind of sense to me, I phoned Emily. It took some time for me to be able to string together a coherent sentence and explain to Emily why I was sobbing.
"She's gone Emily, Tara's gone."
"Gone? What do you mean gone? She's left you? No way!"
"Aye, she's left me, in the most permanent way, she's dead." I lost my tenuous grip on control again, failing to deliver the news with any finesse or subtlety, the pain was simply unbearable, a ripping, pounding, indescribable torture.
"But she's only 54, how is that even possible? Of course it's possible, but she wasn't ill, was she?" Emily's confused questions cut through the chaos in my mind, I had to concentrate to find answers and even with my heart tearing at my chest to get out, I began to find a safe numbness from which I was able to function. My mind attempted to shut out all unnecessary information, shut down that it was Tara, deal with the issues, don't get emotionally involved in it.
"We're coming over; will you be alright until we get there?" Emily asked, her voice full of concern.
"Yes, I need to call someone about it, her doctor, I think, no point calling an ambulance and it's not a crime so not the Police, yes I think I need to call her doctor. He'll know what to do. I've never dealt with anything like this before, I guess I thought I had a few more years and it would be my parents first. Must call the doctor, yes, doctor, now where's the phone number? In the phonebook, oh my GOD! Where have I put the phone? Have you any idea where Em?"
"You're using the phone to talk to me pet, try to calm down, me and Bob are heading over, I'm going to hang up now, you call the doc and we'll be with you in a couple of hours."
~~~
I caught myself looking across the set again, hoping for a glimpse of the English woman, Tara, her role was only small but to me, over the past few weeks, it had become the most important of the entire show. Emily had begun teasing me for having my head in the clouds more than usual though she kept saying perhaps it was because of my 6' 3" height rather than a little spitfire from south of the border.
"She's in the makeup trailer." Emily's helpful voice told me, causing me to jump slightly, once again, I had not been paying attention to my surroundings.
"Am I that obvious Em?" I asked, folding her into our customary hug.
"Only to me, but I know you too well, most of the guys on set wouldn't notice and I'm sure she hasn't; I could drop a hint or two if you want?"
"Auch no!" The look on my face must have been comical, since Emily was soon doubled over with laughter, tears streaming down her face and her arms clamped around her middle. The call to take our places on set had an immediate effect on her, however, and we instantly reverted to professional colleagues.
Tara was there, Emily had managed to distract me enough for me to not notice the moment she had passed by us; she gave Em a big smile, they were becoming good friends, just as had been predicted. She was still wary around me though, I thought it odd considering how she had tricked me but I was 'a bloody great lump of a man' as Emily had thoughtfully described me, while Tara was a delicate, fragile looking creature, I knew from our very first meeting, that there was nothing fragile or delicate about her, but the physical appearance hid the little lioness within. I offered a small smile in her direction and was rewarded with a similar response.
"Ooh, getting somewhere at last!" Em, dug her elbow into my side and quickly ducked away with a chuckle.
The work day was finally over, I had run, what felt like, 10 marathons, uphill, just to get the shot right. I was pretty sure I looked awful, I certainly felt it and was considering just crashing at the hotel when Emily wandered over,
"We're going to the pub for a couple of drinks, do you want to join us?" She winked as she said 'us' so I knew who else was included.
"I dinna ken Em, I must look like a wild man right now, hardly fitted to socialising..." My voice trailed off.
"Oh, come on, she's been watching the filming all day, she knows why you look a mess!"
"Thanks for the vote of confidence there Em, alright, I'll join ye for one but I'm that tired, I'll probably fall asleep in my drink. I was planning on heading for an early night."
A quick trip to wardrobe to change out of the costume which would probably need to go to the laundry overnight, after all that running and sweating, I nipped into the trailer I shared with a couple of the other men in the show and cleaned all the make-up off, I felt a little more myself by the end of it and grabbing a light jacket, headed out to meet up with Emily and Tara, my heart stuttered for a moment as I thought of the little English woman, I was utterly fascinated by her and tonight was a chance to finally discover a little more about her.
I found them waiting in the security guards' hut, apparently it was still a little cold out for Tara, at least it was if she was standing still, Emily was trying to convince her that the weather did get better here but that it liked to dawdle up from England at a somewhat leisurely pace and after a few weeks it decided to race back down again. I snorted at the suggestion of a few weeks,
"Be honest Em, summer around here lasts about a day, it was a Wednesday last year."
"Ignore him, Tara, he's just being a silly goof, summer was on a Thursday last year." She grinned, grabbed me by the arm and then did the same to Tara and we all walked briskly down to the local pub.
I let the girls settle into a seat half hidden by the bar while I ordered the drinks, three scotches, an easy order but still it surprised me, it had taken Em months before she would drink scotch and here was the fragile-looking woman, surprising me yet again. I re-joined them, setting the drinks on the table and my large frame onto the little stool opposite them both. With a quick word of thanks, Tara raised her glass and took a sip, I watched intently for any sign that it wasn't her normal drink but she seemed totally at ease, then with a big grin she raised her glass a little higher and offered a toast,
"To the director, who, in the end, chose the first take." She said, looking directly at me.
"Ye're bloody joking?!" I spluttered, "are ye tellin' me I ran meself ragged only for him to use the first?! I'll bloody kill 'im!" Emily subsided into laughter at the bombshell, and we followed suit; even amid all the noise I could hear her, it wasn't an elegant laugh, but it was a deep, throaty chuckle; I felt a peculiar sensation in my gut, I wanted to hear that laugh more, I wanted to always hear that laugh.
"Well, that properly broke the ice!" Emily said after we finally calmed down enough for speech "I told you he's not really a big scary Scot, he's just a big Scot!"
"Auch Lass, you didna think me scary did ye? I'm just a guy, no anythin' special." I said, turning my attention fully towards Tara, she smiled gently,
"I'm beginning to understand the accent now and after watching your afternoon's activities, I would say you are something a bit special, but no, you're not scary."
~~~
I put the phone down,the doctor was on his way, I had to make more calls, Tara's daughter needed to know, and her parents and brother, I should really have called them beforeEmily but we were all so close, I let my head drop, five more minutes Wouldnt matter, telling them now wouldn't bring her back to me, I was alone, adrift; for just a few minutes more, I wanted to be alone in my grief.