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[ HOSHI ]
The cut on my fist from where my knuckles collided with Jihoon's tooth is bleeding all over the otherwise spotless floor of Miss Jung's classroom. Instead of worrying about bleeding to death or something, I stupidly worry about how I'm gonna get it all cleaned up.
Already the blood's making its way into the grooves between the floorboards. My imagination runs wild and I think back to that time mom took me to see some specialist who claimed I had an overactive imagination. It's running now, my mind. I can see red against the smooth tan of the wood and then suddenly I'm thinking about her again and how she's like a stain, I can't get rid of her. I force myself to look anywhere but the floorboards to try and get my mind off of her. I look at the walls, the desks, the clock, and then I'm staring at nothing.
The last time I saw her, she was talking to some lady in the halls. God, she looked so pretty. Standing there, just standing and living and breathing and just being her. There I was, standing like an idiot while clutching three cans of strawberry milk because Seungkwan asked me to bring some drinks and they were getting all warm because I was just staring. Staring the way I am now, into practically empty air, because when I blinked and then I strained to hear what they were whispering about, I realized I hadn't heard wrong.
Eunji was going on a date with fucking Hansol.
"Kwon Soonyoung."
I grimace as a fleck of spit flies and lands on my cheek. My hands are itching to wipe it off but Miss Jung is watching me like a hawk. Anything I do now will only frustrate her further, which will probably make whatever punishment she has in store for me a thousand times worse.
For now, I just fold my hands together behind my back and stand straight as a board. Nothing wrong with that, right? Teachers like students who are respectful and got good posture. Take Mr. Club President for example. Jun's always painfully polite and just about the nicest guy I know. The teachers all love him and all the girls in our class have a thing for him and not Hansol (surprisingly). My mind wanders again and I think back to the seconds before she was whisked away by that lady she was talking to.
I remember that our eyes met for a split second, the briefest moment ever, yet I felt the impact. Her gaze was startling and focused like she was trying to tell me something with her eyes. She looked terrified, guilty almost.
I want to know what's going on inside that head of hers. Jesus Christ, I'm fucking sitting here in the presence of one pissed Miss Jung and all I can think about is how her hair falls in deep chestnut waves over her shoulder blades, how she gets this little dimple in the slopes between her eyebrows when she's worried or thinking hard about something, how there's no word to even describe how I feel when she looks at me like that, like I mean something to her. Everything she says is pure genius and when she smiles, it's so high-voltage, I get lost a little every damn time. Lee Eunji is magnificent.
But sometimes I can't help resenting her wonderful laugh and her poised, confident body and her beautiful, bright brown eyes, because the only guys she ever notices are assholes like Chwe Hansol and Lee Jihoon. It's driving me insane how the two of them managed to snag her interest...shit, and now I'm starting to sound like Nana.
Speaking of Nana, I sure hope she doesn't catch wind of this. No doubt if she does, she'll go racing to mom and dad about it. She's desperate and calculating which means getting in trouble with the parents is something I just can't afford, not with break coming so soon. With break comes the stupid talks with dad's advisers and with the stupid talks come those stupid pamphlets. There was that one time over winter break last year when I was trapped in an hour long session with some professional dad hired. All the guy would talk about was Harvard. He wrote me up a list of all these extracurricular activities I needed to start participating in to make it past the application process to get in and then expected that I would race out and immediately enroll in all of them. Yeah fucking right. There's no way I would ever join competitive cheerleading.
Obviously the guy was full of shit so I got my mom to convince my dad to reconsider. But if either of them find out about this then I'm almost positive I'll see Moon Joonyoung again.
Kwons are like birds, don't you think, Soonyoung? They weren't meant to be caged, they were meant to be released so they can flourish. So how about we revisit those pamphlets? I hear the acceptance rate for Harvard increases each year!
I shake my head, shoving all images of Moon Joonyoung out. God, I can just picture what he'd say in my head.
"Kwon Soonyoung, are you mocking me right now?" Miss Jung snaps and sends more spit flying. I've momentarily forgotten that I'm in the middle of getting lectured. By the sounds of it, she's acting as if I've committed murder. That's usually not a good sign.
I bow my head and at least hope that she doesn't get me expelled. "No, ma'am."
"Because this, what you've done to Jihoon, is not a laughing matter. The boy's been sent to the hospital."
"Of course."
"What."
Well I've fucked up. "I mean no, that's terrible. It's terrible that he's been sent to the hospital but, of course, what I've done is not a laughing matter. In fact, I should be punished for what I've done." I say hastily. "I think I deserve twenty - no, thirty infractions, Miss Jung. I really do. So, I think that I should go to my room right now and reflect on my actions." I turn to quickly leave.
"Now wait a moment, Soonyoung."
I curse, turning back to face her slowly, and watch as she crosses the room, her hands on her hips. She looks extra pissed today, like someone poured spoiled milk in her coffee instead of that gross vanilla creamer shit she drinks everyday. Either one of the first years actually did pour spoiled milk in her thermos or she's just PMSing hardcore. I'm guessing it's most likely the latter.
Jesus, she's looking at me again. She's always looking at me like I'm kid that needs to be handled. I'm working up a good sweat just by standing here under her scrutinizing gaze. It's obvious she's just waiting for me to crack, to confess to murder or something. Please, I didn't fucking murder Lee Jihoon. At most I probably gave him a black eye. But then again, maybe I didn't because the guy is built like a little tank. You know, one of the things they fail to teach you in class is that when punching a guy in the face, the hand involved hurts as much as the other person's facial region. But does Miss Jung give a shit? Has she ever been there wagging her finger at Jihoon any time he beat up some kid at school? No. The answer is no and no one is surprised.
"Look at me when I'm talking to you." She says icily.
I force myself to look up. A wave of rage crashes over me and I'm shaking. I'm shaking so bad I have to dig my nails into my arms to make it stop.
Miss Jung stares at me hard and says, "Stop denying it, Soonyoung." But then her face softens and her eyes gloss over with what looks like concern. "The sooner you confess, the sooner we can put all of this behind us. You can leave and go back to the dorms, okay? Just...please, if you feel any sympathy at all for Jihoon...or, or maybe me?" God, she sounds so desperate. "We can all leave and go back to living our lives if you just tell me how on earth you managed to land Jihoon in the hospital. But I cannot guarantee that you'll go off unscathed. Jihoon's parents have been called and I believe the Lees have no intention of letting this incident go- "
And then I say, "I didn't do it," while trying not to sound too filled with rage even though I want to take Miss Jung by the shoulders and shake her until she'll get it through her thick head that I'm not guilty of anything. How they saw Jihoon when he was taken to the hospital is not how I left him or even remember seeing him. When he was taken off to get treatment, his hands were all ripped up and bleeding, like raw meat almost.
She sighs and crosses her arms over her chest. "Well if it wasn't you, then who would it be?"
The door to the classroom we're in rattles and then literally bursts open. It swings back and forth, the hinges nearly ripped off the frame from the force of a kick coming from Kim Mingyu who stands in the doorway with a panicked look plastered on his face.
"Kim Mingyu, what are you doing? Can't you see that right now there is a closed investigation in process?" Miss Jung shrieks. Her face is now bright red from frustration.
Mingyu winces at her tone and immediately shrinks down. "Yes ma'am, I mean, well," he stammers. "There's been a misunderstanding. You see, Soonyoung did get into a fight with Jihoon but he was quickly restrained so Jihoon escaped with only a black eye and a busted lip. But the real reason why he went to the hospital is because..."
"Because why?"
Mingyu snaps back, eyes wide and says, "Principal Cho said she'd explain it to you. But you have to go to her office." He shifts his gaze over to me and nods ever so slightly. My brows are creasing up and through the language of eyebrows I'm trying to say dude, I have no idea what that means. But before the message gets sent through, Miss Jung's beady hawk eyes are back on Mingyu and he stiffens.
She nods but looks skeptical. "Alright, I'll go ask the Principal. Mingyu, keep an eye on him while I'm gone and don't let him out of your sight." Then turning to me, "You better not move while I'm gone. If you even think about escaping, I'll give you fifty infractions." As soon as she's back in power, the concern in her is completely wiped and her gaze is back to being wicked. I glare at her retreating figure and pray some first years actually did pour spoiled milk in her coffee. And as soon as the door closes and the click clack of Miss Jung's high heels are no longer in hearing distance, Mingyu rushes forward and grabs my arm.
"Dude, we gotta go and like now." He says in a jumble and I try to follow along. The words come out, I hear them, but I don't take them in. When we're running down the halls and towards the south exit of the school, completely out of the way and no longer in use, it doesn't dawn on me that this is an escape plan. Mingyu's helping me escape.
"Why are we heading towards the south exit? Isn't it off limits to students and-"
"It'll take a minute for Principal Cho and Miss Jung to realize that I lied which gives us about five minutes in total to get you out of the school and to the airport. Maybe seven minutes if we're lucky and Jun is doing a good job stalling." He's talking a mile a minute now and I'm struggling to keep up. We're sprinting down the south corridor now which gives us about a couple more turns until we'll reach the south exit.
"Jun? What does Jun have to- Mingyu, what the hell is going on?"
Mingyu stops so suddenly, I ram straight into his back. Clutching my nose, I groan in pain when he, without warning, turns and tosses me my phone. I lunge to catch it with one hand and succeed. Turning it on, I see several texts from Nana and one missed call from Wonwoo and Seungkwan each. Mingyu manages to break the lock wrapped around the gates in that time and pushes it open.
"Ten minutes ago, you got a call from Wonwoo. I hope you don't mind, but I picked it up for you." He says. "I don't know, I'm sorry but it seemed important. Like, he had already called you before so I thought I'd answer it to tell him to call back later since you were in the middle of an interrogation, but when I picked up he started talking like a mile a minute." His eyes are begging me to understand something but I'm as lost as ever.
He sighs and rakes a hand through his hair. "Wonwoo is at the airport right now. It was a little bit hard to hear him over the phone, but he said that he's there to meet a girl, that new girl Eunji. Apparently she's got family in Japan and she's convinced she needs to get on a plane right now and leave the country."
A bomb goes off behind Mingyu shoulder.
"What?" I say in disbelief. How is this happening? This can't be happening. I blink and blink, but it's still happening.
"Yeah, Wonwoo said something about an aunt in Japan and that she's leaving now. They're at the airport right now."
A tsunami crashes over my shoulders and shrapnel flings in every direction. They stick out of my shoulders, my back, and my chest, puncturing my body while I feel as though I'm sinking under the waves of the tsunami.
"Now," I repeat. "Leaving now?"
He nods.
I'm sinking. Deeper. And deeper. Until I hit rock bottom.
Mingyu looks back at the exit and what he sees makes him panic. I hear it too, the click clack of high heels. But I no longer care because the thought of Eunji leaving the country and not telling anyone but Wonwoo - and why only Wonwoo? - has taken over my entire brain.
I remember something my dad used to tell me when I was little when we'd go to our secret dinners. It'd be just him and me with plates of prime rib and steaks and a personal chef who called me kiddo and made the best crème brûlée. Back then, my dad was kind of my hero. He wasn't anything like he is now - tired, flakey, and always wearing a permanent frown, like whatever I do disappoints him. Back then he was always cracking jokes at the dinner table and smiling at me, Nana, and my mom like we were the best thing that ever happened to him.
I specifically remember the first night we had our first secret dinner. He called it a Guys Night which meant no mom and no Nana. I liked these dinners because I got to eat as much as I wanted and without mom scolding me for eating too much sugar. So when my dad said, "Son, don't let a woman tie you down. I swear, they're what spoil the fun for us Kwon men." I just assumed he was talking about mom and how she was strict about what we eat.
But that was when I was naive and before I realized that those dinners were just an excuse for him to see the other woman.
But I think I'm starting to understand what my dad meant because right now, I feel like I'm drowning and bleeding out all at the same time. Eunji's a fucking flame and I got burned.
Mingyu's now pushing me, shoving, until I'm near the curb of the street and then, out of nowhere, this car pulls up and its doors open. In the distance, I hear Miss Jung's shrieks and they're getting dangerously close. I see Dino pulling me in by the arm, strapping me down, yelling at Minghao to start the car and then we're off. I whirl around to see Mingyu hunched over as Miss Jung screams at him. My face goes grave and I quickly turn back around and try not to dwell too much on what he said earlier. That maybe works for a few seconds and then Dino's telling me the same thing Mingyu said earlier and his words wrap around my heart and fling it out of my chest.
But then another thought comes and it sticks in my head like glue. Kwons are like birds. Tied down. Flightless. It's insane and stupid but I can't get it out. I stiffen when I feel my phone, still clutched in my hand from when Mingyu tossed it to me, vibrating softly.
"Hyung, your phone is ringing." Dino says, poking my shoulder. "Do you want me to answer it?" A ray of sunlight beams down into the depths of the ocean where I'm still sinking deep beneath the waves.
I grin at him. I grin for him. "Nah, it's okay, I got it." And then I flip my phone over to see Nana's name lighting up my screen. My smile slides off my face and I'm back to drowning. She's found out about the fight, I just know it. I picture Nana with her hornet antennae buzzing at me over the phone, stinger ready and poised like she could strike at any second.
"What do you want?" I ask.
"Is that any way to greet your sister, dumbass." She snaps. I stiffen at her tone. Eunji was the only one who could keep her from reverting back to her old hornet self, back when she still follows Hyemi. All I knew about hornets was that if one sends out a distress signal, it could trigger a whole nest attack. Now that Eunji's leaving, she's back to being deadly, like anything I say can set off that distress signal.
I shift the phone to my other ear. "Okay, hi Nana, what do you want?"
She laughs in that awful buzzy way of hers. "Nothing really. Oh actually, sorry the thought just came to me, why'd you land Jihoon in the hospital? Mom and dad are furious by the way."
I grip the armrest of the seat so hard my knuckles turn white. "Who told you?"
"You did. Just now." But all I hear is buzz, buzz, buzz. "I suspected it was you when I first heard the news. Can't believe you actually did it."
The tightness in my chest relaxes in pitiful relief and I think that I actually hate her. I can't stand my own sister. I'm allergic to her. "You can't tell mom and dad." I say, glancing at the signs outside. In the background Minghao announces that we'll get to the airport in ten minutes top.
"Why? Why should I help you? All you do is mess around with your dumb friends and cause problems."
Dumb friends?
The anger rushes out all at once. I don't worry about the consequences and throw everything I've got at her. All the ammunition I've accumulated over the years goes off all at once. "Well at least I have friends. All you do is mope around feeling bad for yourself because you let some stupid guy get in the way between you and your so-called friends." I say.
"Don't bring Hansol into this. I know you're jealous of him, you've always been jealous of him."
I scoff. "And like you're not totally jealous of Eunji?" I ask but it comes out sharp and pointed like a knife. "I can admit that I hate Hansol and sure, I might be jealous of him because he doesn't have a dysfunctional family. But what about you? What about you, Nana? I see the way you look at Eunji. How much you envy her. How much you wish you were her. Nana, you can't compare..." I pause.
"Compare to what?" She asks and her hornet mask slides off. Underneath is the desperate Nana that's made a home in the shell of my sister these past few years. It's like the anger is choking her voice.
I shut my eyes and push out the words I've been wanting to tell her ever since the start of the year. "Jesus, Nana, I wasn't saying you can't measure up to something or someone. I was starting to say, you can't compare yourself to other people. Isn't that the reason why you were friends with Hyemi? With Eunji? They were like measuring sticks for your own self-worth. Do you even like Hansol or are you obsessed with him because you think you'll win some 'big prize' if you manage to snag him?"
I wait for the outcry, for the aftermath, but it never comes. When the adrenaline runs out, I pull my phone away from my ear and glance down to see if she's hung up on me. Three minutes and thirty-five seconds and counting. I press my phone back against my ear and hear a crackle of static. Then there's a shaky breath and a sniffle. She's crying.
So quietly I can barely make out the words, she says, "You think Eunji's the innocent one? God, you're pathetic. Do you even know what she's done these past few months? Why she's even leaving?"
"Stop that." I say sharply. "Stop ignoring what I'm trying to say by–"
"You don't know, do you? Well sorry to burst your bubble, brother, but it has nothing to do with you." She says. Her voice doesn't shake. When she speaks again, it's solid ice.
"But it does have everything to do with Hansol."
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