I hated the colour red. Despised it. But it was all I could see in Jason's stupid oversized room. It was like an ode to United in there. Stupid red walls. Stupid red rug. Stupid red bed sheets. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Stupid me...
I was sat up in the bed, trying to create as much space between me and Jason as possible. I hugged my legs tight to my chest and wiped my hot, tear-stained cheeks onto my knees and rocked softly, like I was trying to cradle myself to sleep, like a parent did to their child when they'd had a bad dream. Because this is what this was. A nightmare. One I couldn't seem to wake up from.
Jason lay oblivious and fast asleep next to me and I glared at him with distain. He was unattractively sleeping with his mouth open, a small dribble escaping from one corner and he was snoring loudly, grunting every so often like a pig.
I noticed one of his discarded socks at the bottom of the bed, clearly an accidental slip off, because he never took his socks off. I had an overriding temptation to grab it and shove it in his mouth then watch him choke on it.
But I didn't.
Why did I do it? Why did I put myself though it time and time again? Reliving old wounds that I should have put a stop to when... But I didn't. I kept going back because I was weak. I was strong in too many parts of my life for others, but he had always been my weakness.
We had an understanding, Jason and I, that I could sleep for a bit after if I was tired but I had to be gone by the morning when he woke up. I didn't mind that, seeing his face in the morning was like a reflection of my shame and god it was ugly. Unfortunately it was masked behind a pretence of a pretty face, a polished beauty I couldn't help but cave into.
We didn't kiss either, or at least not on the lips. I'd watched a movie once with a prostitute whose golden rule was that she didn't kiss clients on the lips, it was too personal and implied that there were feelings involved. And this wasn't about feelings, it was about sex.
I suppose that's what I was really, a prostitute. After all, I traded sex with guys for them to give me something in return, that missing feeling I craved. A feeling of being wanted, of being needed, of being loved... Because that's why they call it making love...right?
But I didn't feel loved. I felt sad. I felt sick and scared and sad.
I needed to breathe.
I flung off the sweaty covers from my naked body, slipped on my soiled wet, discarded knickers then went inside the on-suite bathroom, adjacent to Jason's room; his parents were loaded, something to do with the government, hence why they were never home much.
I fumbled around on the wall, blindly finding my bearings in the darkness then, locating the little plastic button, I flicked on the light switch, cursing under my breath as it hummed into life. I turned around sharply to see if it had woken up the Sleeping Beauty.
But no, there he was snoring away, he could sleep through a hurricane for sure. I pulled the door closed behind my however, just in case the light disturbed him and thus, my temporary solace.
This bathroom had more products in it than the entirety of my modest cabinet back home, which I shared with three other people - and that was including Tess, who'd just subscribed to TeenNow magazine and evidently required every product it advertised in its glossy pages.
I opened the mirrored cabinet in front of me, fingering over various bottles and lotions, until I came to one that nearly made me sick.
What was he doing with flavoured lube?
He'd sure as hell never used that with me and he promised that whilst we were casually hooking up again that there were no other girls.
We weren't even using a condom for god sake! I was on the pill but that didn't stop... Other things.
I did throw up then. I retched inside the sink and a faint, yellow liquid bile splatted out into the basin. It was barely anything but it felt good to gag, to purge away the crap from the inside out...
For fuck sake, Lucy what are you doing!?
I slammed the mirror cabinet shut and stared back at my reflection. My face was already flushed red from the sex and my hair was limp and messy and some stuck to my face from a combination of tears and sweat and now slowly appeared the added blotchiness from my impromptu episode that had just occurred.
I wiped my mouth, turned on the sink and washed away it contents, then splashed my face with the cool water, loving how it felt against my skin. I yanked a hair elastic from off my wrist and savagely tugged my dishevelled, unruly hair into a high top knot bun. I didn't look good, but at least I looked better.
I stormed back into Jason's room and frantically pulled on my jeans and wriggled into my zip up hoodie, shoving my bra and top into my handbag. I didn't have time to dress properly, I had to get out of this house. But not before I did one thing...
I ran back inside the bathroom, grabbed the culprit bottle and launched it hard across the room at Jason's head. Bullseye. A satisfyingly dull THWACK sounded out before it dropped to the floor as Jason shot up in alarm.
"What the fuck was that!?"
"Stay the hell away from me in future, you understand! I don't want to play your dirty, little sex games, so save them for whoever you use THAT with and don't expect me back in this house EVER again!" I yelled at him, pointing right at his face, my finger trembling with rage.
He looked momentarily confused before turning to look at the bottle and his eyes grew wide and frantic. He jumped out of bed exposed, his shrivelled manhood looking limp and pathetic.
"No! It's not what it looks like! I swear!"
"Oh? And what exactly is it then, Jason? Soap?!"
"I... I... No... Lucy.... I..."
"Save it for someone who cares Jason."
And with that I surged out of the house as fast as possible, running out the front door and kept running all the way down the narrow street. Only when his house was completely out of sight did I stop, pausing to catch my breath.
The night air felt nice and refreshing and I allowed its frosty chill to engulf me.
I reached into my bag, pulling out my phone and tried turning it on, promising myself I wasn't checking to see if there were any missed calls from Ben...
Shoot. It was out of battery.
It wasn't far from Jason's house to my own, through the park it was even quicker... But I wasn't going in there at night by myself. If anything, I might see Scott, lay on a park bench, high off his face.
I was so pissed at him right now, add him to the list of men I hated, he could at least call mum and tell her he's safe. Even on a come down he knows how to use the phone!
When I finally arrived at my front door something didn't seem the same but I couldn't work out what was missing. It was dark and our porch light had been turned off to "save electricity", another result of one of my mum's crazy divorce fuelled pastimes which involved her becoming an environmental activist.
That was funny, the door wasn't locked... Mum never forgets to lock the door at night... I turned the handle and crept in. My family were used to me creeping in at ungodly hours but I wasn't a total bitch, I could at least try to be quiet!
I tiptoed up the stairs to find the lights were all on on the upper landing..
"Mum?" I called, "Tess?"
No answer.
I peered inside each of their bedrooms, which had the doors wide open. The sheets were crumpled, suggesting they had been slept in that night but my family were not in them.
"MUM...TESS!" I shouted frantically now.
Where were they?! Now I remembered what had seemed different outside - the car wasn't there!
I ran to my room and found my charger. It seemed to take forever for my phone to power into life, the little red battery light flashing at me. I waited for it to load...
Oh god!
There were seventeen missed called from my mum and twenty-two from Tess! I was just about to click on her contact to callback when her picture flashed up on my screen and my phone rang into life.
"Hell-"
"Lucy where the HELL are you?! Why have you being ignoring our calls?! Mum is going skits! She's already hyperventilating as it is because-"
"Tess! Calm down, I've just got home, my battery died. Where are you both?"
"At Wakefield General Hospital. The police came round earlier..." I heard my sisters voice crack and she broke into uncontrollable sobs and started rambling, but one sickening sentence rang out above all the rest...
"Scott's had an overdose."
***
I practically flew down to the hospital. Luckily the roads were pretty clear by this time of night or I could have seriously caused a crash! I just kept repeating in my head the words that were becoming all too common.
It's all my fault. It's all my fault. It's all my fault.
Everything and everyone I touched just self destructed around me. I was no good for anyone.
I parked up the car and sped into the doors of Wakefield General. A friendly looking, plumpish receptionist was sat at the desk and she seemed to sense my fear because she was immediately out of her chair and beckoning me over.
"Alright sweetheart, where is it you need to be? Who are you looking for?"
"S... Scott.. Ryyyy- der. Scott Ryder! Please!" I could barely formulate my words. I just needed to see my brother.
The receptionists face dropped, she clearly knew exactly who I meant. Oh god was it that bad?!
"Ok sweetheart. You need to go right, up the stairs, take a right turn and then follow the hallway to your left and intensive care is straight in front of you."
What? Intensive care...
I was running now. Ignoring the shouts from other staff to walk and not to run - but I did run. I ran like my life depended on it. Right. Right. Left. Straight. Right. Right. Left. Straight. Right. Right. Left. Straight.
I saw them then. It would have been a comical sight if it wasn't so tragic. Both were still in their pyjamas. Tess's bright blue penguin onesie was a massive contrast to the depressing decor of the sallow white wash walls, that were beginning to turn a muggy grey and needed a fresh coat. Only the mint green boarder brought a splash of pathetic colour but even that was chipped. It felt miserable. Like the building itself was sick.
Tess was sat with her knees up on the plastic chair, shaking like a mad woman, her eyes wide like a bushbaby. Her face was tear stained but right now she wasn't crying. She just looked lost and bewildered and helpless. She hated hospitals and I knew it.
Mum sat next to her in a similar state of disarray, emitting helpless low sobs whilst chewing at the skin at the side of her nails, like she did when she was nervous. She was staring out into nothing and I just wanted to go and throw my arms around her.
But I didn't, we weren't a hugging family.
"What the hell is going on?" I demanded, pushing though through the double doors in a rather unintentional, confrontational manor.
Mum's sobs turned into wails and so Tess stood up and grabbed me by my shoulder, pulling me into the far corner of the room.
"Well...?" I asked expectantly. Tess looked tired and I could tell she'd been replaying the story around in her mind for a while.
"The police say they found him on the side of the road near a nightclub in town, you know, that dead seedy one barely anyone goes in because everyone's doing... Well yeah. He'd... He'd apparently been on his back, lay in a pool of his own vomit with a bottle in his hand and pricks up his arm... Urm..."
She was holding back the tears and I could tell this was hard, I reached out and grabbed her hand. Nothing big, but she looked up and smiled at me feebly and it gave her some strength to go on...
"Urm, they say he had choked on his own sick and had passed out that way. But... But, then they had started to question people in the club and they had said he'd been in the bathroom pretty much the whole night and that it stank of drugs and... Someone claims to have seen him licking white powder off some girl's..." My sister shut her eyes at this, not wanting to finish the sentence, too much for her young and virginal mind to take in and comprehend. I gulped.
I had let him do that to me once...
"He was unconscious when they brought him in and they've done a stomach pump... It's just a waiting game now..."
"It's all my fault..." I whispered to no one but myself, however Tess picked up on it and her face became frustrated and confused.
"What the hell Luce? It's not like you gave him the needle full of heroin to stab himself with!"
"No but I-"
"I can't even believe you're making this about you right now! Wow. And you think I'm superficial! Just maybe-"
She never got to finish, as a man in a white coat emerged from Scott's room and came out to us. All eyes turned frantically to look at him. Expectant.
"The Ryder family? He's waking up and his condition is stable. He's had a very lucky escape this time round. Would you like to come in now? But only one at a time please. We don't want to exhaust him too much just yet. I'll be back in the morning to check on him but please don't hesitate to alert one of the night staff if there is a problem." He smiled sympathetically and walked off.
"Can I go first?" I asked, but I was through the door before my mother had time to argue.
He looked so strange all wired up, monitors flashing everywhere. I saw his medical file at the end of the bed. I scanned them and immediately two words inwardly made me cringe.
Aspergers syndrome.
I heard Scott stir from the bed and I was by his side in an instant. I knelt down and took one of his hands in my own and sat slowly massaging my thumb over his frail bony wrist until he came to, like I did when we were younger. You would never have known I was the little sister.
"Lucy? Is that you?"
"Hey... Hey, yeah it's me! Shh, try not to move too much... The doctor said you weren't to get too stressed out.."
"You should probably get out of the room then." Ouch.
"Scott you don't mean..."
"No. Lucy I'm serious," he sounded tired and groggy but there was a spiteful ferocity behind his tone for me to know he was, indeed, serious.
"Why are you even here anyway? Come to check I was dead so that was one less problem you have to worry about?"
That was the final blow. I didn't even respond, I just got up and calmly walked out the room, walked past my mother and sister who called after me in confusion, I walked back the way I had come and then carried on down unknown corridors, walking nowhere in particular, until I came to an apparent empty space. There, I did what anyone would do in my situation.
I punched the wall and screamed.
Suddenly, from nowhere there appeared five nurses who had come rushing round the corner to see what all the commotion was about.
Seriously. Can I not catch a break?
They looked at me in confused bewilderment and I sheepishly smiled back.
"Um, sorry... PMS?" I offered with a shrug of my shoulders.
One of the gentlemen visibly reddened at this and a couple of the others rolled their eyes, but then they all retreated back down the corridor and I was left alone again. I pressed my back against the wall and slid down slowly until I was sat on the floor. It was now that I had chance to properly take in my surroundings.
Somehow, I'd made it to what appeared to be the children's ward judging by the goofy cartoon images painted onto the walls. No wonder the nurses had come running. They were probably terrified I was some psycho lunatic come to attack the children!
I glanced at my watch. Wow! It was four-thirty in the morning! How had that happened? I immediately felt my eyes droop, heavy with exhaustion and the floor suddenly began to feel surprisingly comfy...
***
"Lucy...?"
I woke up with a jolt. Temporarily confused at my whereabouts, as my eyes adjusted to the light. I looked around in confusion and then I followed my gaze up to see my rude awakener and there I saw in disbelief, the last person in the world I expected to see...