Hi, it's me again.
I promised you I'd tell you about Jaiden, didn't I?
Well; here goes nothing.
I first met Jai in playschool, he had always been one of those you keep away from, he would always have his guard up so high no one could climb it - to be honest he scared the crap out of me. He would hang around the school with his two friends, Lucas and Thom, no one could touch them.
Me? Oh, I was the quiet, lonely, bullied freak, no one saw me behind my thick bangs and acne. I would always have to give my lunch money up to some idiot requesting them, I would never fight back - that could lead to a bad comeback, and as a matter of fact I had never been in a fight at the time. I would simply give them my money and try to stay out of their way.
At least until Jaiden came my way. One day, out of nowhere, there he was - behind the bullies, requesting they'd give me back the money, if they preferred to eat with teeth still in their mouth, that was. The bullies had laughed at him; until he actually proved his point and punched one of their faces in. I got my money, and I got three new friends in a matter of minutes.
The time went on, I kept hanging out with the three boys, passing time getting drunk and flying around town on Jai's motorcycle. I loved my life, for the first time since for ever I was not afraid to go to school, I would stare my former bullies in their faces and I would fight anyone trying to touch me. Eventually everyone stopped trying.
Jai told me all about fighting, he made sure I could always defend myself in any kind of situation, always making sure I would be safe - including safe from my own head. With my teenage years my demons started showing up almost daily, screaming, clawing my soul from the inside and I couldn't handle them without Jaiden. I don't know til this day how many times he's saved my life, and that makes it ever harder to realise I couldn't really save his when he needed me. I blame myself everyday for what was to happen to my sweet boy - how could I let it happen? Why didn't I just think that talk through? Why hadn't I heard in his voice he was broken? It was all my fault.
I still remember the evening we were sat upon the roof of the school, drunk as skunks, all four of us - me, Jai, Lucas and Thom. Jai had challenged his mortality once again; standing on the edge of the roof, growling he was the king of Sydney, when he was about to fall. Lucas catched him, but I had the time to freak out never the less. I couldn't think of a life without him, how could he even try things like that?! How could he challenge life in such ways? I needed him here with me, I would never survive without him by my side, the thought itself sounded so wrong, it wasn't in my head.
The day I got home with a lip piercing was the day my parents freaked out, I wasn't their little girl any longer, I would talk back to them and defend my honour in a way I never had before - but it was the little diamond in my lip that made them flip. They threw me out, and I had nowhere else to go than to Jai. I called him from the park, asking if I could live with him until my parents had gotten back to their sanity, he promised to come get me right away, told me I could stay as long as I needed to.
The house he led me to was big and luxurious, I was afraid to touch anything in case it would break, I would never have the money to replace it. I got to meet his parents, Carol and Darren, they were amazingly kind to me, they took me in like one of their own. It felt amazing to finally be accepted as I was.
By now you would think things would clear, I would stay with Jai and nothing else could go wrong. Well it did- everything collapsed, crumbled and fell to the ground when one day my idiot parents came to his house, dragged me away and put me on a plane to Sweden.
"I have gotten a new job, and sweetheart you must understand that lowlife boy is nothing you can live with, what will he ever be able to give you? He's not good for you, and therefore me and your mother have decided you are in no way allowed to speak to him or his shabby friends" dad had said, and with those words he had ruined my life. I never even got an honest chance to explain it all to Jai, the last thing I saw of him was his face, drained in tears as he pressed his hands to the window of the gate. I never thought Jaiden was able to cry, but apparently I was totally wrong.
I didn't speak to my parents for two weeks as we landed in Sweden, I didn't eat, I didn't speak; I didn't even look at them.
They asked me to learn the language, I refused. Once I actually tried, I was never devoted to it, I went there, I went home and all I ever finished in any schoolenviroment was the fights I was in. People would laugh at me again, I was back to square one and I realised how much it could suck to be alone. I missed Jaiden, I missed him until I could feel myself rip apart once again, the wounds opening wide as I hid in my room and cried.
I managed to get a hold of Jai once in a while, until my parents found out and toon my phone. It was in one of those calls i did my great mistake; I should have listened more carefully; seen between the lines, realise what he was out to do.
"Zaria, I will always be by your side, okay? What ever happens I will always be right here beside you and I will always be in your heart. I love you; I love you so much it hurts, just know that no matter what happens I will always love you" I should have known.
Three days later came the text that changed my life.
Jai has been in an accident. I don't know if he'll ever wake, please just come home../Lucas.
I could feel my whole world rip apart. How it all just crumbled down around me; how could I let this happen?! How could I have accepted this?! What was wrong with me?! How would I ever get us out of this?!
I asked my parents, pleaded for them to let me go. All they did was mock me, tell me it was about time that boy got what he deserved. They were literally telling the only person keeping me alive to go fuck himself. I hated them, and still do today. I hate ever single molecule of them. There is no conditions, I hate them from the bottom of my heart. They never let me go, but little did they know I was planning my escape, and I had been from the day I was dragged away – all my money I had saved in a secret account, and soon I would have enough for the ticket back home.
Lucas didn't keep in touch, I was scared to death he was not responding only cause he had no idea how to tell me Jaiden Burley was dead. I was so certain he was, why else wouldn't they talk to me? Why wouldn't someone just tell me he would be okay? Or just at least tell me he was still breathing, give me a reason to keep on fighting, give me a reason to go back home. I kept wishing, pleading to something greater than us all, that someone would just please tell me Jaiden was gonna make it out of this alive.
I had became worse than ever, hating everyone, taking drugs to keep my demons locked inside their cage, I did everything in my might to just manage one more day in this hellhole, wishing time would be quick, it had been over a year since I had last heard from Lucas, when he tore my world apart. I still didn't know whether Jaiden was alive or not, but tomorrow I would get the final answer.
The plane was up in the air, the darkness was behind us, I had left Sweden, left my parents and now I was on my way home – I had gotten out late last night, left a note on the table telling them I was 18 and able to do whatever the fuck I wanted to, and they could find me in Sydney from now on. I had no idea how they would take it, guessing they wouldn't get top surprised about my escape. After all I had not been talking to them for over a year now, I didn't even look at them anymore. My Insides were twisting inside out as I could see the small fields below, soon I would be home, and I would finally get my answer, if he really was dead I would probably go look for a shark, or jump off a cliff into the rocks at Bondi, all I knew was I would never stay here without Jai.
The plane touched ground, people started applauding the pilot, and all I wanted was to get out. I was home now, at last I was home. Tears of relief started to fall from my eyes, or maybe they were tears of pure fright? Pure anxiety pouring down my cheeks, making my vision blurry as I left the big airplane and went to pick my bags up. I had arranged a flat for me to live in, the girl owning it was going to travel the world – I had a year to either move in with someone or take my life, I would be fine.
I unlocked the wooden door, entered the little apartment and let my bag fall to the floor. I looked around, it was a light flat, a white sofa towards the left wall, to the right of the sofa stood a bed, and the TV was put up on the opposite wall. The girl had left paintings and posters on the walls; mostly posters of the British flag and a pinboard with a pistol and the words are you feeling lucky, punk? On it. I liked it, it felt at home. The kitchen was behind me, it was quite big, there was a black table towards the wall, two chairs and a lot of counters.
I had freshened up, and I was ready to go to Jaiden's parents house, I figured that was a good place to start. There was still a chance no one I knew would open the door, but I had to give it a try. If that didn't work, maybe I would go seek out Lucas or Thom, they had to know what happened, after all – they had been there. I locked the door behind me as I entered the street; the sun was shining, the weather hadn't changed much. I knew the way to the big, white house by heart, I went passed Starbucks, left on the next street, twenty steps in And a harsh left, and there it was; shooting up into the sky like a monster, up on its Hill with the big white gates before it. The walls around the garden; the trees keeping curious eyes away, and the hole almost at the back where we old always climb, it was a quicker way into Jai's bedroom, than to walk all the way around the house and through the gates. I was tempted to try if I could still fit through the hole, tempted to look through the big glassdoors to his bedroom, see him sitting there in the sofa like before, playing games and screaming as he got killed by other players. Seeing him look at me and smile. I had to wipe a small tear away from my cheeks as I shook my head and went around the house to the front door. My heart was beating like crazy as my hand lift to the dark door, three quick knocks and then I was done. There was no going back by now. No regret, I had to know.
"yes?" a tired women's voice as I looked up from my shoes, seeing Carol stare back at me. I tried on a small smile, as she pulled me into her arms, mumbling over and over.
"I need to know" I said, as she let me go, looking at me like she didn't understand.
"Know what, dear?"
"Where is he?" I closed my eyes, gulping as I prepared to hear her say he was underground. Instead she pulled me with her; put me in front of his door and opened it for me; she pushed me inside and I could see blue hair sticking up from the sofa as I approached.
The boy was leaning onto some pillows as he slowly looked up at me, his eyes widening. Mine watered up as I sobbed loudly, he held his arms out as he fell more to the side, I went towards him, and I hugged him, felt his strong arms around me, and I knew from there on I was home for good.