**STRONG LANGUAGE AND VIOLENCE AHEAD**
An hour hadn't even passed before Collin came back over to apologize. He asked me to meet him in the parking lot so we could talk.
Of course I did it.
"I'm so sorry, baby," he said as soon as I climbed into the seat next to him. Cautiously, he leaned over to kiss my cheek. I flinched. "Are you ok?"
"Yes," I answered quickly, still not meeting his gaze.
"Can you see?"
I looked over at him. "Yes." The colorful splotches had gone away a short time after they appeared.
"I'm so sorry," he repeated quietly, caressing my ear. I held on to the door handle and willed myself to stay put. "I didn't mean what I said." He turned my chin gently towards him. "I would never kill you. I would never even hit you," he looked earnestly into my eyes. "Do you believe me?"
"Yes." Of course I didn't.
"I'm so, so sorry, Tash. I really...I wouldn't even kill your friend. I know how much you care about him. I...would never do that to someone you care so much about." The way he said it, like he had already done something to Kenney and was trying to cover it up, sent a chill through me, but I still refused to meet his gaze. "Natasha?"
"Yes?" I finally looked over at him.
"Do you believe me?"
"Yes."
After that, he kissed me and said goodnight. Shayna and Drama were pulling up just as I was going back into the apartment. I waved to them, then quickly went to my room and locked the door behind me. I didn't come back out, after that, until the next morning.
Before I got dressed, I looked in the mirror and checked out my shiner. It wasn't so bad. One side of my face was a little swollen, but you couldn't really tell unless you knew what to look for. My eye had a slightly dark ring around it, but nothing big. Taking a deep breath, I opened the door and stepped out into the living room.
Shayna was sitting at the breakfast table when I walked into the kitchen. She jumped up as soon as she saw my face.
"Holy shit!"
I couldn't help but laugh at her no-cussing ass cussing at the top of her lungs.
"Shayna...it's ok..." I began.
"It's ok?" She squeaked.
"Yes. And I'm not in the mood for this crap right now, either, so just drop it." Then I grabbed my books and headed for the door, leaving her staring after me with her mouth hanging wide open.
When I came home later that day, I found Shayna pacing and ranting in the middle of the living room, with Drama in front of her on the sofa and Kenney in an armchair perpendicular to them. Kenney and Drama were both leaned forward, staring at her in disbelief, looking like they were about ready to kill somebody. As I walked through the door, though, everybody closed their mouths and turned towards me.
"What?" I snapped, full of attitude and locked the front door.
Drama was the first to say something. He walked slowly over to me and put his hand on my shoulder. "Natasha...are you ok?"
"Yeah, why?" I stepped away defensively.
Inspecting my black eye and tapping the plastic cast on my wrist, he said "Just asking." Looking back at Kenney, he stepped closer to me. "Anything you want to tell me in private?"
"No." I smiled like we were having an everyday conversation.
"Aight. Let me know if there is." He looked at my eye for an incredibly long time, then down at my cast again. Then he just stood there and gave me one more chance to come clean. When I turned away from him and didn't say anything else, he stepped up beside me and put his arm around my shoulders, pulling me to him, and leaned in real close to my ear. "I will jack this dude up. Just say the word," he whispered and pulled back to look me in the eye, waiting for me to take him up on his offer. I shook my head no and looked away from him again. "Ok," Drama nodded like that wasn't the end of our conversation, and then motioned to Shayna. They both looked at me one more time before leaving the room.
It was a long time before I got up the nerve to turn towards Kenney. The minute I did it, I was sorry.
"What the fuck is going on, Natasha?" Kenney demanded, as soon as Drama and Shayna left the room.
"Don't cuss at me, asshole!" I yelled, unreasonably taking out my past two days on poor unsuspecting Kenney.
Then I stormed back to my room and tried to slam the door behind me. Unfortunately, Kenney was there in a flash and stuck his foot in the doorframe to keep me from closing the door all the way.
"Ouch mayne! Doggone girl! I know you're pissed, but don't take it out on the new Tims!"
I stopped and turned around to look at him. The gentle forgiveness on his face quickly put me in check. "Kenney..." then I burst into tears.
Kenney was by my side in two steps, and led me by the hand over to the bed. He stayed there too, and didn't flinch once as I snotted all over his brand new shirt. When I finally finished bawling, Kenney pulled away slowly and feigned a look of disgust.
"You finished droolin' on me?"
I smiled up at him. "I think so."
"So...you want to tell me what happened?"
I looked away. "No."
"You sure?"
"Yes."
"Alright." He picked up my newest Cosmo and started completing the half-finished "Is He Your Soulmate?" quiz.
"What are you doing, Kenney?"
"Waiting," he replied without looking up.
"Waiting for what?"
"Waiting for you to tell me what happened to you. Take your time," he closed the magazine and looked over at me. "I have all day."
"Kenney, I...I just don't want to tell you, ok?"
"Alright," Kenney clenched his jaw and stood up. "No problem. At all..." and he walked towards the door.
I followed right behind him and quickly grabbed Drama out of the kitchen before Kenney had the chance to leave.
"Drama, you have to go with him."
"I was."
"Drama, he..."
"I know why."
"No, no you don't." I looked into his unyielding face and shrank away. "I didn't tell him anything. I'm just afraid that he might try to blame this on Collin." I pointed to my eye and shook my head. "And Collin didn't do this."
"Natasha. Don't waste my time." For some reason, Drama always made it impossible to lie to him.
I looked down, feeling two feet tall. "If I tell you...don't tell Kenney, alright?"
"Alright," I knew he wouldn't. Drama didn't want Kenney to run up on Collin any more than I wanted Collin to run up on Kenney.
"Collin didn't hit me. He...he pushed me and I fell and hit my eye on the doorknob." Drama wasn't buying it, even if in my mind it was the truth. "I'm serious."
"Uh-huh. And why did he do this?"
"Because," I sighed deeply and looked at him squarely. "Because he thought I told Kenney about my wri..."
"Your wrist?"
"Yes."
"So, Collin did that to you, too?"
"Yes. But..."
"No buts, Natasha. I wish you hadn't told me that."
"Look, I tried not to." He nodded and looked away. "He was mad about me asking Kenney for a ride to the hospital. But Kenney just did that...I didn't want to go. I didn't tell him anything..."
Drama looked at me oddly. "I'm not Collin. Why are you explaining this to me?"
I shook my head, not sure why the hell I was doing anything right then. "Don't tell Kenney, ok?"
"Alright."
"And...don't you go to Collin, either. It's...it's my dumbass fault for being with him."
"True."
I looked up at Drama. "But...I'm not with him anymore, so..."
"Good." Drama, ironically not one for drama, squeezed my shoulder and headed for the front door when he saw Kenney disappear through it.
Shayna just shook her head and left the room.
The next day I was walking across campus when Collin ran up and fell into step beside me.
"Hey baby."
I gave him a sideways glance. "Hey," then I quickened my pace, hoping that he'd catch the hint and leave me alone.
"Wait." He put his hand on my arm.
I stopped and looked over at him. "What?"
"I just wanted to know...if you're still mad at me."
"No." I started walking again.
"Hey!" he grabbed my arm harder. "Don't you walk away from me!"
"Don't you put your hands on me!" I snapped back.
"Look..." he warned.
"No, you look!" I stopped, and it suddenly dawned on me what I had been voluntarily putting my own self through. I was every bit the dumbass that Drama thought I was. Shaking my head, I walked away mumbling, "What the hell am I even doing here?"
"What did you say?" Collin grabbed my fractured wrist and pulled me back to him.
"I said I don't know what the hell I'm even doing here," I repeated louder, my voice gaining confidence by the minute despite the pain that splintered all the way up my arm as he squeezed my wrist tighter.
Collin looked around and pulled me closer to him. "Hey, keep your voice down, alright? I just wanted to apologize..."
"No, it's not alright!" I shot back at him. "Why do I keep doing this to myself? Every time I think that I can't possibly take one more second of your spoiled, possessive crap, I come crawling right back like a masochistic jackass, just begging for your tired, sorry, abusive..."
Collin quickly looked around, hand still tightly gripping my arm, and yanked me behind the building that we were standing beside. Looking around one more time to make sure no one could see us, he pushed me down onto the pavement and was on me before I could even finish my sentence.
"Abusive? Is that what you're running around here telling people?" Trembling, I shook my head no. "Have I ever once hit you?" His fingers tightened around my fractured wrist. Again, I shook my head no. "Have I?" he asked louder.
"No," I answered quietly.
Somehow, the tables had unexpectedly turned and he was right back in control of the situation like he had always been.
"Is that what you want me to be?" he growled dangerously and straddled over me, raising his fist just above my face.
As I looked frantically from one side of the building to the other for a way to escape, the only thing that I could see was the way the setting sun glinted through the blue stone in his high school class ring. I knew for sure if that sucker ever sliced into my face, I would be scarred for life.
Luckily, before the blow could connect with my already black eye, Collin was suddenly snatched off of me and I looked over just in time to see Kenney throw him to the ground like a giant rag doll. Almost simultaneously Kenny kicked him in the stomach. He kept on kicking until Collin threw up.
Everything seemed to be happening in a blur, and I wondered how Kenney even knew we were back there. Then I thought about how much stronger Kenney was than he looked. My final thought was about the nine milli semi-automatic that, for whatever reason, Collin never left the house without.
Quickly, I hopped up and ran over to them. "Kenney! Kenney, no!" I grabbed his arm, but he pushed me away.
"Punk bitch!" he was growling. "Coward ma fucka! Hit a man!" His steel toe boot forced its way into Collin's side. "Punk. Ass. Bitch!" It weirdly crossed my mind that Texas dudes at Hampton never wore Tims, but Kenney always did.
"Kenney!" I shouted again, and caught a glimpse out of the corner of my eye of two more people wandering back behind the dorm to see what was going on.
It scared the hell out of me to see Kenney that way. It was like he was some other person, like he had blacked out and wasn't even aware of the fact that Collin was still there. I looked over at Drama, who was posted up on the wall, arms folded, watching with a faint smile on his lips.
"Drama!" I called out. "Stop him! Please, make him stop..." I went over and tried to pull Kenney off of Collin once again.
Drama stepped in my way. "Naw, shorty. Let it be. He brought this on himself. They just need to hash this thing out once and for all." He shrugged like there was nothing he could do about it.
"No. You don't understand," I pleaded, tearing up. I couldn't believe how calm he was. "Collin has a gun. He told me that he'd kill both of us..."
Drama, finally hearing me, walked over to Kenney. Kenney was down on the ground now, alternately punching Collin in the nose and throat. He looked like he was systematically trying to beat Collin to death. Almost like maybe he had done it before, and knew exactly how...
"Yo..." Drama said easily. "That's enough." Kenney wouldn't stop swinging. "Let it go, bruh. He ain't worth it." Drama stepped in Kenney's way, catching a few stray blows himself, and pushed him off of Collin.
As soon as Kenney backed off, Collin jumped back up and started reaching behind his back. The other guy Marcel, who had been hanging tight with Kenney and Drama since freshman year, saw Collin jump up and stepped right behind him without anyone noticing but me. Collin was still 100% focused on Kenney. I was 100% focused on Collin, and so was Marcel.
Collin was stone crazy. I knew it. And Marcel knew it. Kenney and Drama probably realized it right then, too. There's no way anyone could have jumped up so easily from a beat down like that. It was like he didn't feel a damn thing.
Suddenly, Kenney was calm.
"Nah, man," he said to Drama. Then to Marcel, who was about to knock Collin back down before he had a chance to reach under his jacket, Kenney kept repeating "I'm cool. It's cool. I'm cool..." Then he focused his steady gaze back on Collin. "What tha fuck you 'bout to do, bitch? I don't see no gun, bitch," Kenney dared, looking Collin square in his eye. "Damn sure can't fight. A man, anyway. Bitchass. Fuckin' up girls and shit, ac'n like you got somethin'. Pull that shit, bitch, see what happens." It's possible that my eyes were playing tricks on me, but it looked like Kenney started to reach under his own shirt. "I don't see a ma' fuggin' thing. You ain't killin' nobody, bitch. Nobody. Not me. Not today. Damn sure not her," he gestured toward where he knew I was standing but didn't take his eyes away from Collin.
"Kenney..." I said quietly, "shut up."
"Naw," for some reason, Kenney smiled. "Trick ass coward ma' fucka." Kenney checked every word off on his fingers. His nearly undetectable southern drawl now rang out clear as a bell. It was almost like he went back to being some dude that he had convinced all of us – and maybe even himself - that he wasn't. "Think you Billy Badass, runnin' 'round here, beatin' on girls and threatnin' me? Second hand? Sendin' your people to talk to me and shit? Coward ass. You really think you can kill me, bitch? Talkin' that shit to everyone's face but me? Scarin' my girl Tashi wit' that bullshit?" Kenney, who never laughed, started laughing like he thought he was bulletproof. "Well, here I am. Bitch. Let's find out today." He nodded like he just then decided that this was what today was all about.
As he continued to look Collin dead in the eye, we all realized that Kenney was really the crazy one. He actually wanted Collin to pull a gun on him. It wasn't exactly clear why, though.
As I stared at them in disbelief, I honestly couldn't figure out what the hell Kenney thought he was doing. I couldn't tell if he was just the type that liked to test fate, or if he was so fed up with life in general that he was truly ready to die.
Either way, I wasn't ready to lose him.
"Well, come on potna. You takin' all damn day, foo. I ain't no live to run another day type nigga. If you really want me out the picture that bad, then handle it. Let's get that shit over wit'. Today. Otherwise, shut the fuck. up. You keep threatnin' my life, threatnin' to take her life, keepin' her up at night fearin' for her own life...from a man that's supposed to love her? Punk bitch. You keep tryna get word back to me that I need to show yo' ass some respect? Hell fuck no. I do not now and will not ever respect your bitch ass, if for no other reason than the way you treat my girl. Now," he gave another easy smile. "Wassup? What we 'bout ta do?"
I looked over at Collin, who looked over at me.
"Please don't," I mouthed to him. "Please, please don't."
Collin slowly forced his own hand down to his side. In that one moment, I realized...well thought I realized...that Collin really did love me, and that he was willing to do anything for me...including getting punked by some "yella ass nigga" that he swore up and down was trying to steal his girl...and who had just called me his girl...to his face.
Luckily for everyone, it was only us and Kenney's friends back there. I think...no, I know...from experience, that if some of Collin's own boys had been around, things would have gone way different.
Collin looked at me again, then at Kenney. The two continued to stare each other down until Drama put a hand on Kenney's shoulder and eventually steered him in the other direction. Marcel walked with them back out towards the yard and I slowly walked over to Collin.
"Thank you." I tried to take his hand.
"Ho bitch!" He spat the blood that was streaming down his chin at me. "Back the hell up. I knew you liked that high yellow ma' fucka'," and he stormed off, angrily wiping at his bloody face with his $200 shirt.
Later that night, Kenney came over to apologize. Shayna and Drama were out for the night and I was sitting alone in the dark watching TV when he knocked on the door.
"Can I come in?"
"Of course." I backed out of the way and let him in.
"Why you sittin' in the dark?" he asked, walking over to the kitchen table.
"Oh..." I flicked on a light, and shrugged. "I just was."
"Come sit over here for a second." He patted the chair next to him. I went to him and sat down. "Look," he motioned with his hand and I noticed that it had swollen up like a big fat balloon.
"Kenney...you need to go to the hospital."
He looked at me, then his hand, and dismissed the whole thing. "Listen Tashi. I'm sorry...'bout embarrassing you out in public like that."
"No." I shook my head. "You didn't. Thank you..."
He raised his hand to cut me off. "But I'm not sorry 'bout beatin' ol' boy's ass." He shrugged like there was nothing he could do about that. "I'm just not."
Kenney looked me in the eye until I looked away first. My eyes drifted down to his hand again, which looked so painful that it made my own splinted wrist start throbbing. I went to the freezer to wrap some ice in a towel and brought it back to him. Then I sat tiredly down in the chair next to him and placed the ice pack gingerly onto his hand.
"Thanks." Our eyes locked and he whispered, "Why don't you just leave his ass alone?"
I readjusted the ice pack and ignored him. "You're welcome." Again, I looked away first. "Kenney, I'm afraid he's going to come back and kill you."
To my surprise, Kenney laughed. "Who? Not bitch-ass Collin." He saw that his making light of the situation wasn't helping anything and changed his tone. "Listen Tashi," he began more seriously, "I'm not afraid of that fool." Then he took a deep breath and ran a finger smoothly down his jawline. "See this scar on my face?" He pointed to the one that his aunt always subconsciously tried to rub away. I nodded. "I got this when I was thirteen years old..." his voice trailed off when my eyes widened in surprise. "There was...a whole lot going on back then. The bullshit that used to surround me on the daily then is why I never drink or smoke now." He shook his head like just thinking about it irritated him. "It reminds me too much of that shit. My life was a little...stressful."
I found out that Kenney neither drank nor smoked shortly after my drunken challenge to drink him under the table during their last official $2 daiquiri party freshman year, but this was the first I had ever heard of why he didn't drink.
He continued, like he was in a confessional. "The reason I can't go home...the reason why my mom doesn't want me to come home...is because my junior year I got caught up in some nonsense and she got scared. Everyone got scared. And...after that, I came up here to live with my aunt..." He looked at me for a long time, and then turned around and lifted his shirt. "See this tat?"
"Yeah." I leaned forward to see the tattoo better. It was of an extremely elaborate cross. I had seen parts of it before,through his basketball jersey, but I had never seen the whole thing. I wasn't surprised by what it was. What else would Kenney have tattooed in the middle of his back? My friend was definitely more than a little rough around the edges, but you didn't have to spend much time with him to know that his faith was everything to him. Everything.
"Look closer." I leaned in more. "See the middle where it says 'The Lord Is My Shephard'?" he asked, pointing.
"Yeah."
"Well, the O is covering up a bullet hole."
"Whaat..." I gasped, standing up to get a better look.
"Yeah." He nodded and quickly lowered his shirt, then turned back to face me. "So you see, I know what a man's eyes look like when he's about to kill me." He smiled a real smile, which looked entirely out of place given the conversation.
This was the side of Kenney that I had never been able to get a good look at, but had always wanted to know.
"I already knew the guy was going to pop me when I turned to walk away. I just wanted to see if he'd be coward enough to do me in the back. He...lucked up. Caught me without my boys and without my piece." Kenney tilted his head in thought. "Or...maybe I'm the one who lucked up. If I did have my piece at the time, I would have definitely shot him up first, and probably would have spent the rest of my life behind bars. And I'm damn sure glad I didn't do that, because then I never would have met you."
Kenney flashed me a sticky-sweet grin. I flashed him a confused one back. He paused for a minute and rubbed my fractured wrist softly. The tenderness of his touch was a surreal contrast to the harshness of his story.
"So anyway, I've already been shot. I'm not afraid of that. It took me a year to learn how to walk again, but here I am." He gave me a cocky grin. "Fly as ever, with an even more pimped out walk than before." I had always liked his walk. I didn't smile back, though. This was all...too messed up. "Tashi," Kenney cupped my face and stroked his thumb gently across my cheek. I leaned into his hand. "Collin...he doesn't know me, and doesn't have the heart to kill me. I've looked into his eyes. It's you that I'm worried about. Your boy started out hating me, but with guys like that...it's when he loves you first that the hate can drive his crazy butt to do something stupid." He sighed deeply. "And I really don't think there's too much of a distance between love and hate with that fool." He shook his head sadly. "I really don't."
"But...what if he gets someone else to do it? Kenney, I'm really afraid he's going to get you back." I went back to my original fear and started crying all over again.
"Oh," Kenney leaned forward in his chair and hugged me close, rubbing his hands soothingly up and down my back. "Well, the only thing I could do about that now is kill him first..." when I stiffened, he finished quickly, "but, hopefully I'm waaay past that point in my life to be caught up in some dumb shit like that. You, on the other hand, can't do anything but make it worse by stressin' both of us. Let God take care of what happens to me. It's not your job to protect me." He suddenly pulled away. "Is that why you've been staying with him all this time?"
"N...no..." I looked away from him. "Kenney," I looked back into his eyes, "it's because I love him."
"Aw shit!" He threw his hands up and sat back in his chair.
"No really, Kenney, hear me out. He's my soul mate. We've been together since...since before I can remember. It's like we're tied to each other. Bound together. By God...or something..." Kenney gave me the worst kind of skeptical look. I ignored it. "I was trying to tell you before. Collin didn't hit me. He didn't mean for me to get this black eye. He pushed me and I accidentally banged my eye on the doorknob. I..." my voice trailed off when I couldn't ignore the look on Kenney's face any longer.
"Do you know how crazy you sound?" His voice was even and low. "Do you know how freakin' ridiculous you sound right now talking that fairytale crap? Come here." He stood up. I didn't budge. He took my good hand into his good hand and walked me to the full-length mirror hanging in the hallway. "Look at yourself."
"Kenney, don't." I tried to pull away, but he forced me to look right into my own reflection.
"No, really. Look at yourself. Look at your eye. Look at your swollen face, your broken wrist. Does that look like a fairytale to you?" He turned me around to face him. "Does it?"
"But it wasn't what you think..."
"Shit Tashi!" he snapped. "Don't come at me with this assery no more. I can't help you if you don't even recognize that you need help." Then he let go of me and took a step back. "I just...I just can't help you. You've accepted the way he treats you and you don't even want to leave him." He shrugged and took another step back. "There's nothing I can do. So...call me or something if you change your mind, if you need me..." he mumbled and walked out the door.
As I watched Kenney go, I realized that he had just taken my very best friend with him. Shoot, since Shayna and Drama had started hanging so tight and gotten all caught up in each other - and since Collin had effectively alienated me from all of my other friends over the course of time - really, Kenney took my only friend with him when he left that night.
That's probably why I agreed to meet up with Collin the next day.
I really didn't have anybody else to turn to.
As soon as Collin saw me, he rushed into a speech that he must have been practicing all the night before. His face was swollen twice its size and I was positive that his insides were all messed up from Kenney kicking him in the stomach. But he went on anyway, like it didn't even faze him that he should have been in the hospital right then, instead of kickin' it with me on Hampton's campus. Ridiculous, I thought silently, that we were all supposedly there to learn better.
"Look Tash," he began quickly, "I know you probably never want to see me again...and there's nothing I can say that will make what I did alright. But I need you to know that it came from a good place. I don't hate Kenney. I really don't. I just don't trust him. I know he's up to no good. You're too naive to know that any guy that's tryna be around you all the time like that is just looking for the right opportunity to get in your pants. It's like you're so desperate for attention that you'll jump at the chance to let any fool into your life. You've always been like that. It just drives me crazy that you won't listen..."
"Yeah, well," I looked away. "Kenney and I aren't friends anymore so...whatever."
"Good. But that's not the point I'm trying to make." He brushed his hand softly across my bruised eye. "I'm sorry I hurt you. It won't happen again. I...panicked when I saw you hit the door like that, so I ran out. I promise nothing like that will ever happen again. I'm sorry." He took his hand away and looked at me directly. "I apologize."
He ran his hand softly over my hair and caressed my neck with his thumb. Then he tried to kiss me. I pulled back quickly, almost stumbling over a tree root as I turned to walk away. Luckily, he didn't try to follow.
Of course when I got to the waterfront the first thing I saw was Kenney. I don't know what it was about the two of them, but I felt like a ping-pong ball, always bouncing from Collin to Kenney and, ultimately, back to Collin.
"Hey," he walked over and stood before me, eyes cast downward, good hand in his pocket. I was surprised that Kenney was even speaking to me after the way things had been left between us the night before. More than that, I was surprised that I even wanted to speak back.
"Hi."
"I'm sorry."
I sighed dramatically and teased, "If one more person tells me that today..."
He didn't smile back.
"So...what's on your mind, Bud?"
"Listen Tashi," he put his bad hand to his heart with an extra dose of sincerity. I noticed that there was now a cast on it and that the swelling had gone down significantly. I wondered when he had gone to the hospital. Kenney gave me a steady gaze. "I love you."
I looked away.
He drew my broken gaze back in with his own unfaltering one. "I do. I'm crazy about you, Tashi. I love the hell out of you and I would do anything for you. Anything. But I meant what I said. You understand?"
No, not really. But I nodded anyway.
"So...I guess I'll see you around then, huh?"
"Ok," I whispered and watched him walk away.
So...there went my last friend. Again.
And again Collin slid back into the picture right on point. He couldn't have planned the situation more perfectly himself, assuming that he didn't plan it this time, because all of a sudden I looked up one day and Collin Stewart was the only person that I had left in all of Hampton, VA to depend on.