BEN
I walked down the all too familiar corridors and wondered, how had it all got so out of hand... Her face had looked so hurt tonight when I told her, I hated myself for it, every part of me had wanted to stay and make sure she was ok but there had been a fire in her eyes that had scared me. Walking away from her was one of the hardest decisions I'd had to make. I'd only known her for a short time but there was something between us that had made it feel like a lifetime. I had never wanted to do that to her, to watch her face fall like that, but what choice did I have?
I had commitments, promises to keep and what kind of person would it have made me, whatever my feelings, if I'd of chosen her over...
"Daisy Peterson?"
"Ahh hello, Ben! Yes, go on though!"
I smiled at the plump receptionist and followed her motioning hand to the direction for the children's ward and began to walk, my steps slow and heavy.
As I moved, the dull white wash walls with the mint green boarders and stiff framed tapestry were slowly replaced with an abundance of playful colour and light. Teddy bears, fluffy clouds and fairies, Disney characters and smiling sunshines were all hand painted onto the walls, alongside the childlike masterpieces drawn and signed by its inpatients. Mainly they were pictures of their families or bright flowers but it was really just anything that made them happy because they were happy, they didn't really know what was happening, they couldn't. They were too young to really understand.
There was one picture that always caught my eye, it was by a boy called Joshua, aged seven and he had written:
"When I grow up I'm going to become an astronaut"
Neatly scribbled under an explosion of pastel colours that resembled a white blob floating through the solar system and I felt a lump in my throat whenever I passed by this one in particular, knowing that one day a parent was going to take home that picture, without its painter.
I carried on and came to where the private rooms were, remembering how annoyed Daisy had gotten when they had put her down here, but there were no other beds in the main wing. Sure enough though, as was to be expected, as soon as she had gotten here she had loved it, she preferred it down here in fact. She'd mumbled something about kinder nurses but I knew what it really meant to her. It meant she got to play with and look after the younger ones when she wasn't too tired. She was amazing with kids, she'd make a great mum...
I caught a glance at my reflection in a window and even the blurry image staring back couldn't hide the fact my face was puffy and blotchy from crying. I'd been a wreck all the way down to the hospital, barely focusing on the roads and had nearly crashed a fair few times, horns honking me left, right and centre and I swear I had run a red light.
I took a moment now to myself, sitting on one of the waiting chairs, head in hands and took a couple of deep breaths. I could do this.
I'd been lying to her the past month and Lucy had made it pretty clear she didn't want anything to do with me so what was the point in stirring stuff up now? I could pretend nothing had ever happened...
But it had. God it had and it had been so good. I needed to make Lucy see... I wanted us to be friends at least... I know it would take a bit to, well, adjust but it could work... I knew we couldn't be more, but that pain behind her eyes... I needed to keep her safe... Get a grip of yourself Ben, you made your choice.
And I had and this was the best choice, the right choice.
I composed myself and walked to the door of one of the private suites, resting my head for a moment on its cool plastic, soaking up its stability. I could do this. I pushed it open and there she was, fast asleep.
I did love her, no one couldn't. She had an aura which you couldn't describe, she just lit up whatever room she was in and didn't even realise. She was beautiful too, even without her hair, she could rival even the most stunning of women.
I remembered back to when she had started losing it the first time around, those amazing long golden curls that just cascaded from her head, like a mermaid. I'd admired her so much for her bravery.
She didn't cry, she didn't even flinch or hesitate, she just took my razor one morning and shaved it all off whilst I just sat in bed and watched her, my heart pounding mile a minute waiting for a breakdown that never came. When it was all over she just had this amazing, huge smile on her face and then made us go get ice cream like nothing had happened. We'd gotten some odd looks but she didn't bat an eyelid, she was just so... Calm. How could she do it? How could she stay so strong?
I'd only ever seen her cry twice. Once when they first told her she had Leukaemia. Then again when they had delivered the second blow. Even then she wasn't crying for herself, she had just apologised to me over and over and over...
I leant on the door frame and watched her breathe, in and out. She was so tiny, her petit little body was like a skeleton under the bed sheets. It was like she was almost non existent, so pale and so frail that I was always scared that I was going to break her whenever we touched.
Her left hand was connected to a drip and there were wires coming out of the bed sheets hooked up to various machines and drips which made my head spin. I hated seeing her in here, all plugged in, monitors beeping; it just wasn't her. The girl I had fallen in love with didn't belong in a place like this. No one belonged in a place like this.
I was awash with guilt and fresh tears filled my eyes. God, I was more emotional than either of them put together. No, I couldn't think about Lucy right now, I'd lost her. For now this was just about Daisy and being there for her before...
"Ben...?" Her eyes fluttered and she moaned and writhed on the bed, still half asleep but her mouth formed a perfect, contented little smile and she weakly motioned to me to come over.
"Hey gorgeous, how's my princess doing tonight?" I bent over and kissed her forehead.
Sick, I felt sick. Breathe. I could do this. I pulled one of the chairs close to the bed and sat, stroking her shining soft head, her face pressing into its warmth.
"Happy now you're here. Did you sort out what you had to do?" Her eyes looked up at mine full of innocence and love, how could I just stare into their purity and lie? I coughed and moved my gaze to her hand which I took into mine stroking it affectionately.
"Yeah... Wasn't as easy as I thought it would be but it's done now and now back here with you... Where I should be." I kissed her hand, letting my lips rest on it for a moment and she giggled, that sweet girly laugh, one of the first things I'd fallen for. I forced a smile and looked at her again. Her face contorted in concern and she brought a hand to touch my face.
"Ben what's wrong? You look like you've been crying...?"
"Mmmm, what? No, no it's just the cold outside.. Made my eyes water a bit.. Yeah, that's it.." She seemed to be content with this answer, too tired to push it further and her face regained its brightness and she sat up in bed, wincing as she caught on one of her wires. I was quick to help her, propping up her pillow but she swatted away at my chivalry.
"Hey! Guess what the doctors told me today!" She said clasping her hands together in delight.
"Surprise me!"
"They say I can come home tomorrow! I'm SO happy! I've been craving sweet and sour chicken for days! I've had quite enough of hospital food now, thank you very much! AND mum says we can go to that new posh Thai restaurant that's just opened tomorrow night, you're invited - obviously and I can't wait to properly stretch my legs again, I am so bored in this bed! There's only so much reality TV you can watch before you want to throw the remote at it and... Hello? Earth to Ben!?"
"Sorry, I'm just tired... But wow Daisy, that's great news! I can't wait to have you home!" I kissed her chastely and smiled at her. It was true, it would be good to have her home again, the perfect distraction...
She pursed her lips and frowned at me. Who was I kidding, this girl could literally peer into my soul, she wasn't buying the 'I'm fine' routine.
"Ben O'Shaunessy I know when you are lying to me, so don't even THINK you can try... What's wrong?" She was full of concern and it broke my heart seeing her so worried, looking out for me again, like she always had done, when she was the one in here all wired up and...
"I got into an argument with a, urm, close friend tonight and well I said some pretty dick things and I'm mad at myself."
"Then apologise! You are one of the most amazing people in the entire world but sometimes you are too damn stubborn and proud! Call them up and say sorry and if they really are a friend they'll forgive you!" She took my chin in her hands and brought it down to her face, "and who could resist this face anyway, hey?"
Her kiss was soft, tender and welcoming and it's familiarity was comforting but I couldn't help but think of Lucy. I thought of her on the ground, so drained and sad and my guilt stung me fresh. Yet here I was with the girl I'd dedicated the last two years of my life to, she had been my everything, she was the strongest person I knew in the whole world and on top of that she'd saved me from myself, I owed her everything, I couldn't just leave her now...
"Hey," I offered, "how about I stay the night and I can drive you home in the morning?"
"Are you sure? I mean your bed would be far comfier... You look like you could use a good nights sleep..?"
"Trust me, I'll sleep better with you by my side tonight Daisy..."
"Alright then, but you best be out the bed before my mum gets here or she'll freak!" She smiled broadly and her face broke my heart all over again. She shuffled to the side and pulled aside the thin, cotton covers, yawning and snuggling back down onto the pillow again. She was so tired, I could tell it had been a strong blast today, I should have been there for her...
I kicked off my shoes and slid in beside her, wrapping my arms around her waist and spooning her little body. My arms fitted round it's whole circumference and then some. She'd never been fat but the girl I had met had healthy curves and a rosy glow. I should have been the one to realise something was wrong when she first starting losing all the weight. The chemo wasn't helping either, but it was just to ease the pain now.
I nuzzled into her neck and remembered our first time together, both of us nervous and not really knowing what to do, it had been terrible but after, we had lain like this and told each other we loved each other, kissing over and over again...it had just been perfect. I thought then of Lucy and the first hot, passionate episode in the back of the car where I'd felt alive again for the first time in ages... God I was an idiot.
"I love you Daisy." I whispered. But she was already asleep.