"What is wrong with me?"
I kick my shoes into a corner in the foyer and drop my purse on the floor. The question repeats over and over again in my mind as I walk into the living room and collapse onto the sofa. Letting Riley get attached to me is a disastrous idea on its own, seeing as I'm going to up and die on him in three weeks. It would be bad enough to leave it at that, but no, I have to go and let myself fall for him, too. And not just the silent, pine-from-afar-crush kind of falling for him. Oh no. I have to blurt out something that tells him exactly what I'm feeling, because that's going to make it easier when I'm gone.
"I am beyond hope," I mutter. The way my words bounce along the walls, it's as though the room agrees with me. Terrific.
I'm also tired. No, make that exhausted. Scratch that. Depleted. I am entirely depleted and having a hard time believing this isn't all some horrible mistake. I let my eyes close and lean my head against a throw pillow on the sofa.
"None of this is a mistake."
My eyes pop open when I hear Noah's voice. He's sitting in the antique armchair in the corner, holding his fedora in his hands and fighting a smile. He's smiling? Not cool.
"I don't remember inviting you to my pity party." I sit up again, grabbing the throw pillow and hugging it close to my chest.
"I don't recall it being acceptable for a higher being to have one," he says.
"If you're looking for a higher being, she's lost somewhere in the middle of a complete catastrophe."
He sets his fedora down on the table beside the armchair. "What makes you think that?"
There's nothing else to think. I'm falling for Riley and he knows it. It's hard enough for me to admit it to myself, let alone Noah, and I can't quite get the words to form on my lips. I don't need to, though. Noah is reading my thoughts.
"Why is that a bad thing?" he asks. "It's good for you to open yourself up and feel again. You know as well as I do that it's been a long time."
"Because he knows," I answer. If I hold the throw pillow any tighter, I'll probably rip it open.
"And?" He tilts his head to the side, watching me. I feel like I'm being examined under a magnifying glass. I have to look away.
"I think he might feel the same way." I barely hear myself speak.
The crinkle in Noah's forehead tells me he's thinking about something. I can only hope he's coming up with a solution for this spectacular mess.
"I can't see how any of this is bad," he says after a minute.
"You're joking, right?" I ask.
"Not at all."
I draw in a breath, trying to hold it the way Amarleen has us do in class when she wants us to relax. It doesn't work. My mind is reeling, and I can't figure out what Noah doesn't understand. I focus my eyes on him.
"My time here ends very soon, and I'm letting him get attached to me. How is that not a mistake?"
Noah stretches his legs out in front of him, crossing them at his ankles. It must be nice to be so at ease in a crisis.
"He needs to fall for you and open his heart, so he can develop his energy enough in this life to get to The Life-After. You know that, and you know he'll die if you don't make that happen." He sounds very matter-of-fact. "You're doing exactly what you should be and letting your instincts guide you. Trust what you feel, instead of what you tell yourself is right and wrong when you overthink it later."
I let go of the pillow, my fingers balling into fists. None of this fits together.
"Let me go back now and send someone else," I say, my voice flat. "There's still time for him. It's not like he met someone he never should have and had his destiny changed, like I did. You can figure something out." I can't do this to Riley, no matter what Noah believes the outcome will be.
"It's not as easy as you think it is. You were always part of the plan for Riley, and you leaving without helping him will change his destiny. And what about you and getting back to the Life-After? You know you can't go back until you're done here. Your energy isn't ready yet."
I try to focus on digging my fingernails into my palms, instead of on what I want to say to Noah right now. My self-restraint doesn't seem to matter, though, because he's reading every one of my thoughts.
"Frustration is an emotion that only exists here in The Before," he reminds me. "I know you've been here for a long time, but remember your energy is higher than that. You don't need to give in to it."
"You're not leaving me a whole lot of choices," I tell him. "I need your help, not a lecture."
"No." He shakes his head.
"Is that 'no' as in you won't help me?"
"It's no, you need to start helping yourself and rise above this. If you stay attached to the lower energy, you'll just fuel it with more energy and keep going down."
"That's encouraging." I set the throw pillow down beside me.
"It was supposed to snap you out of this," he replies.
I bite back the words I want to say, my hands twisting together in my lap while I try to think of how I can make him understand. Nothing comes to mind.
"I can't do this, and I don't believe that me leaving now will change Riley's destiny, at least not in a way you can't fix. I know you can fix it. Just please let me go back."
I can feel Noah's eyes on me, even though mine are focused firmly on the floor.
"You'll be back in a few weeks," he says. "This is what you're here for."
"To sit on my sofa, arguing with you?"
"To help Riley." I guess he's done with trying to scold me.
I flop back against the sofa cushions. "How am I supposed to help anyone when I'm a complete wreck?"
"You know you can't go back without finishing your work here." His voice is quiet, but it's also stern. "You need to learn how to control your energy and get it back up when you feel it sinking. Focus on this and you'll succeed at what you came here to do."
I shake my head, wondering why he can't just accept that what I'm telling him is the truth. If I could do what he's telling me to do, we wouldn't be having this conversation.
"This is different," I say. "The energy is stronger than me."
"It's not different. You've just never had a deep energy connection with anyone during your time back here, because you've refused to make friends or become close to other people. That would have helped."
I definitely don't want to go here. We've been arguing about this for years. I rub the bridge of my nose.
"That's not true. I was close to Selena."
"Uh-huh, and we both know what happened there. You pushed her away the first chance you had."
"I was protecting her. Why would I let someone get close to me when I knew I was leaving and that they wouldn't understand what dying really is?"
"You weren't protecting her. You were protecting yourself."
I could recite the rest of this argument word-for-word. Both of us know it's pointless. He doesn't get it and he never will. Of course, he thinks the same thing of me. I don't even have to hear his thoughts to know that. Time to skip to the part where we always end this.
"Let's say you're right, even though you're not," I say. "What am I supposed to do about it now? Go out and get some instant friends?"
"It's a little late now for easing into it."
"That's helpful." I let my head settle against the back of the sofa.
"You're just going to have to stay in tune with yourself. I need you to recognize when your energy is being lowered so you can separate yourself from it and raise it back up before you get like this." I don't answer, and he speaks again. "Starting now."
As if it's that easy. I'm sure my doubt is etched all over my face.
I hear him get to his feet and a moment later he sits down beside me on the sofa. "Take my hand," he says, his hand coming to rest on top of mine.
I do as I'm told, too tired to ask why. He grasps my hand between both of his and a feeling of calm surges through me.
"Close your eyes and focus," he tells me.
Even behind my closed eyes, I can see the sparks of golden light being infused into my energy. It goes on for what seems like hours, even though it's probably only a few minutes. When the light fades away, I sit with my eyes still closed until I hear Noah's voice.
"Welcome to your first energy transfusion. How do you feel?"
I blink a few times, letting the room come into focus. The edges of my mind feel fuzzy, but I'm calm. I wouldn't say I'm happy, exactly, but I feel better than I did before.
I shift my eyes over to him and have to blink again. Something doesn't look right. It's almost as if there's a haze around him. Blinking doesn't clear it, though, and after a moment I realize it's his energy. It's weaker, the glow more faint than I've ever seen it. He must have given me a lot.
"Are you okay?" I ask.
He nods, but I can tell how hard it is for him to do it. "I'll be fine. I just need to get back for a while."
He's drained, and it's because of me. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry. Just promise me you'll try to keep your energy level strong. You don't have much longer to go." He picks up his fedora from the table and I sense it takes a lot of effort to do. Just something else to feel guilty for, I guess.
"I will." I don't really believe what I'm promising, but I don't know what else to say.
"Okay." Noah dons his hat, smiling at me. His face is tired. A second later, he's gone.