Countdown to The Life-After: four weeks.
"Where's my phone?"
I haven't said a word to my aunt in the last three days. The secret has been ducking out of the house as early as possible for Amarleen's class in the morning, and making sure I'm in whatever room my aunt isn't in when we're both at home. I'd be on my way to my yoga class right now, except my phone went missing from my bedroom some time between when I got into the shower and when I got out. I know exactly who has it, and the look of sweetness and innocence on my aunt's face tells me I'm right.
"I'm sure it's wherever you left it," she tells me. "You should really be more careful with your things."
"Stealing my phone is theft. That's against the law, if you didn't know."
She walks over to the cupboard and pulls out two mugs. "I don't know what you're talking about. Would you like some coffee, and maybe we can talk about what you'll need for school? It's just a few weeks until you start."
"Keep living in your dream world."
I turn on my heel and walk out of the kitchen, grabbing my yoga mat and purse from where I left them in the hallway. I guess I'm heading out for the day without my phone. My aunt probably thinks if I can't text or get phone calls, then she's cut me off from boys or anyone else I know here. In her mind, this will somehow make it easier to get me on a plane and back to the plans she has for my life. I'm certainly not going to tell her I can just go buy a new one and reactivate my number and all of my contacts and text messages. I don't want to know what level she'd stoop to after that.
I slam the door behind me and walk down the driveway to my car. The drive to my yoga class should put me in a better mood. Then I just have to figure out how to stay away from my house for as long as possible, preferably until my aunt is asleep. There has to be a way to get her out of here that doesn't involve me being with her on a plane to Boston.
* * *
I get to Diamond Lotus Yoga earlier than I usually do. Another class with a different teacher is still finishing up in the classroom. Selena is at the front desk, getting a new student set up. Even though I look away from her as quickly as possible, I can feel her eyes boring into me.
I turn my head and pretend to look at a spot to the left of the desk, and that's when I see Amarleen. She's watching Selena and me. I smile at her and then have to move my eyes to something else. If I don't, she'll see everything I'm feeling and maybe even everything I've done. Maybe she already does. She can hear my thoughts right now if she wants to, after all. I try hard not to squirm.
My eyes land on the bathroom door. It's a temporary escape, anyway. I head for the door, smiling again at Amarleen as I pass by. I don't realize I'm holding my breath until I'm through the door and it closes behind me. Exhale. I set my rolled-up yoga mat on a chair in the corner and then look at myself in the mirror hanging above the sinks. Wow. There's a girl who doesn't look happy and who sure isn't hiding it.
The bathroom door squeaks as it swings open. In the mirror's reflection I see Selena standing behind me, staring at the back of my head.
"What were you doing with Riley?" she asks, meeting my eyes in the mirror. She doesn't look happy, either. At least I'm in good company.
"Hanging out," I say, turning around to look at her.
"You should stop doing that."
"Why would I do that?"
"Because he needs friends in his life, and people who know how to care."
"I care about him."
"Fat chance of that," she mutters. I pretend not to hear her and focus in on her energy instead. I expect to see sparks of anger, but instead see colors of protection.
"Are you close with him?" I try to sound casual. What I'd give to be able to read her thoughts right now.
"We've been friends since I moved here," she replies, dropping her eyes to study something on the floor.
I can't tell if she's ever felt more than friendship toward Riley, but I don't see jealousy or anything like it in her energy. There's just that fierce protectiveness. Selena would shield a good friend from anything, I know. Well, she would unless that friend betrayed her, like I did.
She moves her eyes back up, fixing them on me. "He's a good guy. And he's been through enough without dealing with you."
I know she means Amanda. I also know what she means about dealing with me.
The last time we spoke to each other, it was in the garden behind her parents' house on the night of her family's going-away party. Selena had been miserable for weeks, ever since her dad announced he'd been made a partner at his law firm and was being transferred to the firm's new office in L.A. She was sad about leaving Boston, and sad about leaving our school and starting over somewhere else as the new girl, but it was absolutely destroying her to be leaving me. We'd been joined at the hip since my aunt and uncle took me in, doing everything together as best-friends-forever for over nine years.
So I avoided her the last two weeks she lived in Boston. Didn't answer her calls at home. Ducked out during lunch at school, when we'd always sat together in the cafeteria. Pretended I didn't hear her when she called after me in the hall, and didn't look at her in the classes we had together. Stopped answering notes she left at my locker. Pretended to always be hanging out with Delilah James, another girl we knew from school, and purposely didn't invite her to hang out with us. Radio silence.
I hadn't planned on going to her family's going-away party. My aunt made me, though. Not through threats of being grounded or taking some privilege away, either. She took me by the arm, hauled me into the bathroom and styled my hair, and then refused to budge from outside the door until I put on the dress she picked out for me. I think she would have put one of those toddler leashes on me if she could have. I was sullen for the short walk two doors over to the Jensen's house, but plastered a smile on my face when Mr. and Mrs. Jensen let us inside. After that I did everything I could to dodge Selena, at one point escaping outside to a part of the backyard where nobody seemed to be. I slipped into the garden as quietly as I could, hoping the tall hedges would let me go undetected for at least the next half hour.
I sat down on the garden swing, watching the stars and the quarter-moon in the sky and trying to ignore the chill in the night air. It wasn't long before I heard footsteps. Selena was in front of me before I could get up from the swing.
"Why are you avoiding me?" Her hands were folded across her chest and she tried to sound like she was angry, but everything about her told me she was sad. More than sad, actually. Her energy was too heavy for me to look at for more than a second or two. I tried not to flinch and pushed away the pang of guilt as best as I could. I did this to her, I knew. And I had to keep doing it.
"I'm not avoiding you. I just wanted to come outside for a while. Is that a crime?"
My voice was cool and sharp, not at all the tone Selena was used to hearing from me. She blinked, hard.
"I didn't mean here," she said, her voice sounding strained. She was barely keeping it together. I studied the stones paving the garden pathway. "I meant at school, and every time I've tried to call you. Where have you been?"
"With Delilah."
I watched Selena bite her lip. She thought that was the truth, and that Delilah had replaced her in my life almost instantly. She didn't know that as soon as she was on her way to L.A., I'd stop hanging out with Delilah, too. It was better not to let anyone get too close.
"Why are you hanging out with Delilah so much?" she asked. She sounded so small that all I wanted to do was hug her, but I shrugged instead and looked up at the night sky.
"She's my friend. That's what friends do."
"I thought we were friends, though." Selena's lip started to quiver. I felt a lump the size of a grapefruit form in my throat and swallowed hard. I couldn't let her know this was killing me just as much as it was killing her.
"We were," I said. I hoped Selena hadn't heard the catch in my voice.
"We aren't anymore?" She folded her arms a little more tightly across her chest.
"You're moving to L.A."
"That doesn't mean we have to stop being friends, or that it's okay for you to replace me. You could at least wait until I'm gone to find a new best friend."
I'd hurt her, but it still wasn't enough for her to stop wanting to be friends with me. I had to change that. It was for her own good.
"Look, you think you're all broken up about moving thousands of miles away, but what about me? Everything for the last few weeks has been all about you, you, you, and how moving is ruining your life. You haven't even asked how I feel. That tells me what kind of friend you are."
"What?" She couldn't have looked more stunned if I'd slapped her.
"You've just been so selfish, self-centered, and self-absorbed. Think about someone else for a change. Not everything is about you."
"Do you even hear what you're saying?"
"Do you?" I asked her.
She didn't know what to say to that. I saw tears well up in her eyes and knew I couldn't stay to see her cry. I'd crumble if I did, so I got up from the swing.
"I hope you have a good move to L.A."
I didn't wait for her to answer. Turning my back to her, I walked away as fast as I could. She didn't follow me.
The girl who stood in front of me that night was devastated. The girl standing in front of me now in the bathroom at Diamond Lotus Yoga is angry, and rightfully so.
"I'm Riley's friend," I tell her.
"No, you're not." She shakes her head. "You don't even know what the word means. I should know, after all."
I don't have an answer for that. The night of her family's going-away party, I'd been prepared with what to say. This is a surprise attack. My silence doesn't matter, though, because Selena keeps talking.
"I don't know what you're doing here, or why Amarleen hasn't seen right through you. But if you hurt Riley even a little bit, you won't be coming back here and you'll wish you'd never met me."
It's two years of anger and hurt coming out of her, and I know she isn't kidding. She gives me one last look before she turns around and stalks out of the bathroom. The door closes behind her. I stare at it, knowing I deserve every bit of fury Selena has for me.
I'd be lying if I said I don't miss her friendship. I loved Selena like a sister, and I still do. That's why I had to put distance between us and make her think I didn't want us to be friends anymore. This way, she won't miss me as much when I'm gone. Maybe she won't miss me at all.
* * *
Class is harder than I expected it to be. The exercises are tough, and every time I think my energy is getting stronger, I close my eyes and see Selena standing in front of me, shooting daggers with her eyes.
I can tell there's something Amarleen wants to say to me from the way she watches me after class. The lineup of people waiting to talk to her is long, though, and I want to be alone right now. The last thing I feel like doing is talking about what's going on with my energy today, or about what Amarleen might have seen going on between Selena and me by the front desk before class.
I think about ordering a green tea from the Diamond Lotus Yoga café and then sitting outside on the patio for a while. I head for the counter and spot Selena standing at the front of the line. She takes a mug from the cashier and heads away from the counter, toward the door that leads to the patio. There goes that plan. One round with Selena today was enough. I guess I'll get my green tea to go.
I don't want to go home, but with Selena occupying the patio and Riley working in the studio today, I can't think of anywhere else to go while I'm still in yoga clothes. So I take the long way home, driving up winding side roads in the Hollywood Hills until I'm on my street and pulling into my driveway.
I suck in my breath as I walk up to the front door, waiting for my aunt to pounce the second I'm inside. Then I turn the door handle. Nothing. I let out the breath and put my yoga mat down in the corner of the foyer, then head for the kitchen.
I stop outside of the kitchen entrance, poking my head around the corner. My aunt isn't in the room, but I can see her through the window. She's outside sitting beside the pool, her cell phone pressed against her ear, and she probably doesn't know I'm home. With any luck, she won't realize it for a while.
I tiptoe out of the kitchen and head down the hallway to the bedroom she's set up camp in, glancing around the room for any sign of my phone. It's not on the bed or the dresser, so I open the closet door. My aunt's clothes fill the closet, hanging neatly on hangers, and her shoes are lined up along the floor. To look at this, you would think she's moved in permanently. I know this means she's not budging. Aunt Sarah is nothing if not stubborn. Wonderful.
I reach for the handle of one of her suitcases and know I'm on the right track when I hear something roll around inside. I pull it out of the closet and unzip it, and there's my phone. It's the only thing inside. I reach in and grab it, then zip up the suitcase and roll it back into the closet.
It's a good thing my phone is password-protected so she couldn't do any serious damage. Holding it in my hand, I walk out of the room and head for my bedroom. I'll just have to hide my phone or lock it up somewhere until I figure out how to make my aunt leave.
One thing is clear. The few weeks I have left in The Before will just be harder with my aunt around, especially if she tries to block me from seeing or talking to Riley. The woman has to go.