"Lucy, where are we...?"
"You'll see."
The forest was just how I remembered. Rich in abundance with the bright leaves of autumn. It was starting to get late and the sun was beginning to set, leaving a beautiful array of pink hues to fill the sky with trickles of ruby red and orange seeping through the colour like running ink. It was like the sky's own personal canvas, that's what she had told me, all those years ago... It was magnificent.
I heard it before I saw it; an instant wave of emotion washing over me as the trickling water sounded like music to my ears. It felt to me like coming home. I could feel her there all around me and I'd like to think this was where she'd chosen to come back to, where we'd been so happy so many times. I had always known this way the place to return to if I wanted to feel close to Grams...
"Woah..." Ben's words seem to catch in his throat as I beamed at him, satisfied with this reaction, as we passed the path out onto the lakeside. His eyes roamed freely around my secret paradise and I felt a wave of pride knowing he was one of the few people that would appreciate this place and I was the one who had discovered it for him.
Of course it wasn't really a secret place. This was after all only the National Forest, where families road bikes and children collected sticks and where people came to soak up its natural unspoilt beauty. Or, like me and Grams, they came to paint.
This was my favourite spot in the entire forest because of the spectacular view you could get here of the impressive lake which resided in its centre. Today was no exception and the water glistened and reflected the colours of the earth around it.
I broke our silence,"My Grams used to bring me here when I was younger to paint. She was the one that encouraged me to peruse it. Just watching the effortless way her brush glided over the pages that first time was captivating. It was like there was nothing and then there was something, suddenly they were filled with these images, that just captured the beauty of whatever was around her perfectly and I felt like I'd just witnessed a magic trick. I knew then I was going to make art my life, one way or another."
"I bet your Grams is an amazing woman." Ben smiled at me, putting his arm around my shoulder.
"She was..."
"Oh god Luce, sorry... How long...?"
"A week before I met you, it was her funeral the day we did." I shifted uncomfortably and Ben released his embrace and pulled an Adonis pose.
"You mean the day you couldn't stop staring at me cause I'm so B-E-A-utiful and I took pity and let you come sit with me..?" He winked, earning himself a punch to the ribs but I was laughing too. Ben just got me, he knew it made me upset to talk about it, he could just tell and so quickly could turn the mood around to make me smile. How was I so lucky to stumble upon him?
"Lucy it's beautiful, but what are we doing here?"
"Sit." I instructed him pointed at a large rock and he obediently followed my command.
"Now turn your head that way and DON'T say ANYTHING!" He slowly turned his head trying to keep his eyes on me, full of curiosity, as I fiddled inside my bag.
I got out my sketchbook and smiled at him, my face crunching up in an urchin grin and his eyes widened but then quickly fell back to the relaxed, lazy smile he always wore that sent my heart into overdrive. Then I drew.
I couldn't have timed it better if I'd of tried, the whole location behind Ben and his beauty was like I was drawing what heaven itself looked like. Occasionally, I would just stop and stare at him, watching how his chest moved in and out when he breathed, how his Adam's apple would rise and fall when he swallowed, how his tanned arms, that had the faintest smattering of freckles, looked so strong and protective and how his eyes seemed to look out onto the world as though he was trying to find the solution to life itself, intense and brooding yet equally soft and enchanting. If this boy wasn't the definition of perfect I didn't know what was. There was nothing wrong with him.
"Tar-dar!" I proclaimed when I had finished, putting my sketching pencils away and cradling the book to my chest.
"Cool! Can I see?" I bit my lip. No one had ever seen my sketchbook before, it was like my private life journal but then I remembered Ben's own wall of reflection and so slowly I nodded my head and he strode over and plonked down next to me, prising the book out of my hands. He just stared at it, not saying a word.
"It was only, you know, like a rough sketch. Doesn't matter if you don't like it, it's not my best work... I haven't got your arms quite right and your neck is too thin and the shadowing on this side is-"
"Luce. Shut up." He turned to me, his eyes seem to have suddenly become awash with emotion and it almost appeared like he was about to cry. Bloody hell it wasn't that good...
"Lucy this is amazing. You're amazing."
I grinned and went in to kiss him but he pulled away from me. Now I was definitely confused. He stood up and started pacing about, making me dizzy, whilst running his fingers through his hair before burring his face in his hands, in what seemed to be deep agitation and confusion. I was hurt and didn't understand what was going on now.
"Urm, Ben, what the hell? You can't just play hot and cold with me. I know you said you wanted to slow it down and everything but don't you think this is getting a bit of a joke now? Like, you were all over me and now you won't even kiss me... I just... I just don't understand...." I looked at him, the hurt in my eyes clearly showing because when he took his hands away from his face, it visibly crumbled and he was instantly in front of me wrapping his arms tightly around me.
This wasn't a comforting hug though, his grip was so tight it was like he was squeezing all the air from my body. He released me and rested his forehead on my own and began rubbing his hands up and down my arms like he was trying to cling onto something but I didn't know what.
"Lucy," his voice was a soft cracked whisper and I could tell he was trying not to cry. Where was all this coming from? "Lucy, I'm so, so sorry..."
"Sorry for what?" I pushed him in front of me and folded my arms awkwardly, forcing him away from me. He couldn't meet my gaze and was looking everywhere and anywhere but at me.
"Knowing you just this short time has meant so, so much to me and you aren't even going to understand what you have given me and how I feel when I'm around you... But I should have done this weeks ago... I just.... I just couldn't because I couldn't stand the thought of losing you - I still can't stand the thought - but I have to do this... I have to say it because it's killing me... It's literally killing me. I'm a horrible person and I don't deserve you, either or you, but Lucy you have to understand-"
"Sorry for what, Ben? What do you mean 'either of you'?" I felt sick and confused. I wanted to cry but my body felt paralysed and nothing would come, not even the welling sensation of my eyes. They were dry.
He looked into my eyes now. His were wet and pleading. Willing me to understand, begging me not make him say the words out loud. But I wouldn't back down. I had to hear them for myself.
"Lucy..."
"Sorry for what? Ben." I spitted the words through gritted teeth. My body was deathly still, frozen to the spot. "Who. Is. 'Either of you.'.... Well?!"
"You and...Daisy. My girlfriend..."
My blood ran cold but I refused to cry. I would not let him see my cry. I would not let him see how he had just dragged a wrecking ball through my entire body and shattered it completely. I opened my mouth to speak but no words came. I was mentally ripping into him, banging on his chest but no movement came...
"Lucy! Please, just let me explain..."
"No!" I shouted the word, surprising even myself in the silence, "I think you should go. Leave me alone. I never want to see you again. Ever."
"Please, Lucy, you don't mean that. Please, if you would just let me-"
My slap seemed to ring out across the empty open space. It's whipping noise loud and painful in my ears. My imprint on his face was red and he winced but recoiled back to look at me with only hurt not anger.
I don't know where it had come from but it felt good.
No, no it didn't. It felt bad. As soon as I had done it I wanted to apologise and hold him and for him to say he was joking, then it would all go away and he could kiss me and we could be together.... But this was real life. Not a fairy story. I resisted every urge I had. I needed to get away from him.
"What FUCKING part of leave me alone do you NOT understand?! GET away from me you sick, twisted, dirty, disgusting DICK!" I was punching him now repeatedly, hard on his chest and he was taking all the punches. He probably wasn't even feeling them, like feathers against a brick wall. But his eyes were hurt, like this was killing him as much as it was killing me inside.
I needed air. I needed to throw up. I needed to drown Ben in the lake behind us, slowly and painfully till the last breath had escaped his lungs.
But I didn't.
I fell to the ground exhausted. He bent down to me and took my face in his hands, seemingly wiping away at invisible tears. I will not cry for you, don't think I will. Ben felt like a stranger to me now and I just wanted to shower, wash away the memories and remove all traces of him from my mind.
I felt drained. He kissed my head but I couldn't respond to anything, not even to push him away. Because in truth I didn't want to push him away. I wanted there to be a reason. A reason we could fix. But I knew it would be hopeless even hearing him out, this was me, I never got the guy.
"Just go, please" I whispered the words and Ben stood up, turning to go, shooting me one last pleading look before walking off through the trees, out of the forest and out of my life.
I felt now a single tear roll down my cheek and then another and another until the tears were falling freely and I let them, not even trying to wipe them away.
Why was it always me?
After a while I stopped crying, breathed and exhaled deeply then sniffed loudly and wiped my nose on the back of my hand, mascara smears appearing and I could only guess at what state my face was in.
I stood up and reached for my phone in my bag, my fingers danced hesitantly over the keys only for a second before I clicked onto my contacts and found the number I wanted, then dialled.
Bzzzz. Bzzzzz. Bzzzz. Bzzzzzzz.
I was about to hang up when the receiver on the other line crackled into life.
"Well, well, well. If it isn't little Miss "I'm too good for you now". What do you want Ryder? Missing me already?"
"Shut the fuck up Jason. Have you got a free house?"
"I might have. But what's it to you? What would the boyfriend say? Or, don't tell me, has he had enough of you already?"
I hated him. But right now I hated Ben more.
"I'll be there in ten minutes."
"I'll keep the bed warm."
I rang off.