In which Stella gets butterflies of an entirely different kind.
//
I was running late, which contrary to the carefree persona I tried to emanate, was very unlike me. Generally speaking, people not being punctual annoyed me greatly, so the fact that I was about to walk into a meeting half an hour late was stressing me out. Getting a reputation as a diva who didn't value other people's time was no way build a career.
It seemed I hadn't quite found my groove without Tyson. He had been gone for about three weeks and I was still getting used to not having him around. Not wanting to constantly leave Cooper with a babysitter or hire a nanny, I was taking him pretty much everywhere, and since everyone I worked with was aware of my situation, it hadn't been a problem so far.
Until this morning, when Cooper finally got fed up with my subpar cooking and refused to eat his lunch, forcing me to buy him McDonald's chicken nuggets on the way to my meeting, which in turn resulted in me feeling extremely guilty and extremely flustered as I pushed open the glass door of the conference with one hand and hiked up Cooper against my side with the other.
"Hi, I'm here, I'm so sorry I'm late," I said, a bit out of breath as my gaze scanned the room.
"No worries," a voice floated towards me from the back of the room and it took me a few moments to figure out that it belonged to the young guy with a wide smile and a head full of thick red curls. "It's not like you were an integral part of this meeting or anything."
Despite his sarcasm, his tone was light and filled with humor, leaving me confused as to why someone I didn't know was teasing me. His confidence and ease with me despite knowing me for all of two minutes left me a bit unsettled, or at least, that was the rationale I gave to the fluttering in the pit of my stomach.
"Well, I'm sorry anyways?" I raised an eyebrow, pulling out the nearest empty chair to sit down and holding Cooper firmly in my lap. "Let's do this."
The meeting was to discuss my interview and cover photoshoot for the next issue of Vogue, which meant there were a lot of details to hammer out, starting with scheduling the interview itself and deciding on a theme before discussing when I would come in to do the photoshoot.
"We actually thought it might be amazing if Tyson was in it," the redhead, who had introduced himself as Steven, the assistant to the photographer, said as we discussed the theme. "Maybe a focus on how you balance family life and modeling?"
Eyes wide, I stared at him for a few moments, before responding, pulling Cooper closer to my chest. I wasn't sure why my heart rate had picked up when he started speaking or why I couldn't seem to form coherent sentences, but I was completely mortified.
This had never happened to me before. I wasn't usually the blushing and stuttering type. Even with Tyson, I was generally able to keep my composure, but twenty minutes with a complete stranger had me reverting to middle school behavior and I had no idea how to put an end to it because I didn't know why it was happening in the first place.
Sure, the guy was attractive, but I was very much in love with Tyson. Plus, whatever was happening was completely one sided, seeing as Steven had just mentioned Tyson, which meant he knew I had a boyfriend and was in no way trying to make me flustered, a fact which honestly made the situation so much worse.
"Tyson," I managed to whisper, shaking my head as saying my boyfriend's name jolted me back to reality. "No, he can't be in the photoshoot." I quickly realized from all of the raised eyebrows in the room that sounded like I didn't want him there and began to clarify. "I mean, he's out of the country. And I don't feel comfortable with having Cooper in the photoshoot. We can talk about family, but can we leave him out of it?"
The head photographer nodded, making a note on the pad in front of him and smiling softly. "Of course. Whatever you like. We were thinking, since you're already here, maybe we could do the photoshoot now and then the interview portion at a later time at your convenience."
"You're ready to do it now?" I raised an eyebrow in surprise. On one hand, the fact that they were so prepared caught me off guard, but also, I knew that doing the photoshoot now meant having to spend more time with Steven and I wasn't in the mood to make a fool of myself. "I need to put Cooper down for his nap."
That was a lame ass excuse and everyone knew it.
"Of course," the head photographer nodded sympathetically. "He can nap while you do the photoshoot. We'll take good care of him, I promise."
It seemed I was out of reasons not to stay, so I smiled weakly. "Okay."
As the meeting wrapped up, I racked my brain for a solution to my problem. I was a mature, responsible adult; surely I could handle spending the next couple hours with this man who, for reasons I had yet to figure out, had my head spinning in circles. This was my job. It was time to be a professional.
"Steven will take you to the studio," the head photographer, Bradley, nodded towards his assistant. "You can start getting ready and I'll meet you soon."
Smiling gratefully, I pulled Cooper close to my chest as I stepped into the hallway with Steven close behind. I gulped as we walked, hoping he wouldn't want to make conversation so that I could save myself the embarrassment of having to speak, but of course that wasn't the case, because he wasn't at all aware of the effect he was having on me.
"Isn't he a handsome guy," Steven grinned at Cooper, reaching out to pinch the cheek of the almost two-year-old. "So are you all settled into being a mother?"
My eyebrows lifted in surprise. "What does that mean?"
"Nothing bad!" he promised, shrugging his shoulders and stuffing his fingers into the pockets of his jeans. "I just meant that I know the way you ended up with a kid wasn't exactly how you planned. So is it easier now?"
"I don't know that it'll ever be easy," I admitted, glancing at Cooper fondly. "But it's definitely worth it. And so much better now that Tyson and I actually get along."
I winced as I realized how awful that sounded and lifted my gaze to see him looking extremely confused. "You guys weren't a couple when you got Cooper?"
That part of the story wasn't very well known. In fact, Tyson was kind of a mystery to the general public. People knew he existed and that we were dating, but other than that, they knew very little about him and the origins of our relationship. Considering the circumstances under which we'd become Cooper's parents, we weren't in a hurry to tell the world anything and once Tyson and I got together, we hadn't felt the need to publicize it either, so people just kind of assumed that we were a couple who had decided to adopt a child.
And that was what we planned on letting people think up until just now, when I'd completely lost my brain to mouth filter. Blinking rapidly, I distracted myself by making faces at Cooper. "Right. Are we almost there?"
"Mhmm," he nodded, looking at me with a worried brow. "Are you alright? You're kinda...tense."
Thankfully, we arrived at the studio before I had to explain why I was so jumpy, and the change of scenery combined with the fact that I had a job to do was a way to refocus myself. After handing Cooper off Cooper to one of the stylist's assistants so that he could peacefully nap in the dressing room to the side, I put all my energy into the photoshoot. I posed and changed clothes and posed and changed clothes and soon enough, I was in the zone, thinking only about the task at hand and completely avoided making any sort of eye contact with Steven.
I'd just about made it out of the photoshoot without embarrassing myself further when Steven called out my name just as I was gently laying Cooper's head to rest against my shoulder so he could continue his nap as we made our way to Alex's apartment for dinner. I'd let him sleep for the journey so he'd be bright and peppy when he got to see his favorite uncle.
"Hey, Stella," Steven called out happily as he briskly walked in my direction, stopping me before I turned for the door. "Great job today."
I'd gotten compliments on my modeling before and although it always lifted my spirits, it had never made me turn bright red before and I had never been more mortified in my life as I stammered out my response. "T-thanks. I gotta go. See you."
Before he could continue the conversation, I turned towards the door and walked quickly back into the main hallway of the building, exhaling deeply in relief once I was outside.
"I'm a horrible person," I said dramatically and without explanation when Alex opened his door.
Understandably confused, he furrowed his brow and ushered me and Cooper inside, gesturing for me to go lay Cooper down on his bed while he got me a drink. I did just that, buffering my son with pillows on the bed and leaving the door just slightly ajar before walking back into the kitchen and sighing deeply.
"Okay, so what's going on?" Alex asked as he popped off the top of a beer bottle and handed it to me, setting the bottle opener down on the counter beside the take out menus for our favorite Chinese place. Picking up his own beer, he leaned back against the counter and turned to face me, bringing the bottle to his lips.
I wasn't entirely sure where to begin, so I took a giant swig of beer, swallowed, and just started talking. "I had this meeting for the Vogue shoot today and there was this guy there – the assistant to the photographer – and I don't know what happened to me."
"Did you hook up with him or something?" he asked, his expression showing no emotion, as though he didn't want to be judgmental without hearing my side of the story.
"No!" I replied automatically, horrified that he could ever think that I could cheat on Tyson. "Of course not."
"Of course not," he nodded in agreement, sounding a bit relieved, his shoulders relaxing slightly. "So what was the problem?"
"The problem," I said exasperatedly, "is that I couldn't function around him. I was stammering and stuttering and blushing and it was disgusting."
The smallest smirk kinked his lips and he held up a finger as he tilted his head to the side and stared at me. "Hold on, I'm trying to imagine you stammering and blushing."
"I know!" my eyes widened, snapping my fingers on my free hand and pointing one finger at him. "Exactly, I don't get that way around guys."
"Not even Tyson?"
Shaking my head, I kept my expression stony. "Not like this. Don't get me wrong, Tyson gives me butterflies, but they're this amazing kind where I just feel happy and content and settled, like I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. The ones I got around Steven...I don't know, they just made me anxious and nervous and my brain turned to mush. What do you think that means?"
There was a pause before he spoke softly, setting his beer down on the counter and crossed his arms over his chest. "Do you want my honest opinion?"
I wasn't entirely sure I did because my worst fear was that he would say the reason that I was getting flustered around a guy who wasn't my boyfriend was because a part of me no longer wanted to be in a relationship with Tyson, but I nodded anyways.
"How are things between you and Tyson?" he asked, rather than actually answering my question.
"Fine," I shrugged, wondering if his thought process resembled mine. "I mean, it's been hard, being apart the past couple weeks, but we're getting through it. Do you think the distance is making me question my feelings with Tyson?"
He shook his head, keeping his gaze direct. "I think you're looking for a way out."
"What are you talking about?" I sputtered, half angry and half terrified that he was right. "I'm happy."
"Exactly."
That wasn't the response I was expecting. Blinking, I lifted one eyebrow upwards and brought the beer to my lips. "Care to explain, Dr. Phil?"
"You're happy," he repeated, as though it was completely obvious. "You're really happy and really in love and that scares the shit out of you because you've never felt like this before and for the first time, you can really see the future of your relationship with someone and you're so afraid that things with Tyson are gonna end that you're self-sabotaging the relationship before it can get to that point."
Maybe he was right. After all, I'd freaked out at the sight of the engagement ring that wasn't even for me, so why wouldn't I get butterflies around someone else just when I was realizing that even being an ocean away didn't change the strength of my feelings for Tyson. I had told him to trust me when he left, trust that I'd still feel the same way about him when he got back, but I honestly had no idea what would happen. All I knew was that, right now, I wanted a future with Tyson.
"So what do I do?" I whispered. "Do I tell Tyson?"
"I would," Alex admitted. "For all you know, you're gonna have to work with this Steven guy again and it'll be worse to have to explain it later on. Plus, honesty is important in a relationship."
"Shit," I said under my breath, knowing Alex was right and wondering if Tyson was going to be upset.
"Don't worry," Alex assured me, sensing my inner turmoil. "He loves you. It'll be fine."
I wasn't sure, but I decided the mood of the evening had been too tense for too long, so I changed the subject by asking about Jenna and pretty sure my impending conversation with Tyson was nothing more than a knot in the very deepest pit of my stomach. Cooper woke twenty minutes later and ate fried rice with us before chasing Alex around the apartment in a game of hide and seek until he was too tired to stand, at which point I decided it was time to say goodnight.
Thanking Alex for his words of wisdom, I carried Cooper to the subway and held him as he fell asleep. We arrived back at the apartment just past ten and after I lay Cooper down in his bed, I collapsed on the couch, mindlessly watching late night television shows until I had no idea how many hours had passed.
My phone buzzing broke me from my trance and I looked down to where it was sitting on the couch beside me to see the screen lit up with a text message from Tyson. I was usually asleep when he woke, but he wanted me to know he was thinking about me, so he always sent me a text as soon as he got up so that I'd have something to read when I woke as well.
Good morning, gorgeous. Love you.
Butterflies, as always. But like I had told Alex, they weren't the same kind I'd gotten around Steven. I felt light and happy and at peace, not mushy and useless. Smiling to myself, I picked up my phone and decided to seize the moment for a video chat. It was rare that we were both not busy at the same time, so our interactions since he left had mostly been texts throughout the day with a few phone calls thrown in.
He picked up after the first ring, his eyebrows lifted in surprise as he lay back against his pillows, his free hand resting on his bare chest. "Hey, babe. What are you still doing up?"
"Just couldn't sleep," I shrugged, resting my head against the back of the couch.
"Long day?"
I nodded, using my free hand to squeeze the bun at the crown of my head. "Yeah, I went in for a meeting with Vogue and it turned into an all-day thing because they had me do the photoshoot today as well."
"I'm sure you were great," he grinned, dropping one eye in a wink. "How's Coop?"
"He's great!" I exclaimed. "We went to Alex's for dinner, so he's worn out and he's gonna sleep great tonight. And you? How was your day?"
"Any day I get to see you is a good day."
I rolled my eyes, despite the fact that my entire body warmed and I couldn't help how wide my smile stretched. "You're getting sappy on me, Kingsley."
"I know," he laughed softly, tangling his fingers into his hair and tugging. "I just miss you."
"I miss you too," I whispered in response, knowing that if I was going to tell him, I needed to do it now or I'd miss my opportunity. "Hey, Ty, there's something I need to tell you."
"Is everything alright?" he lifted his eyebrows, sitting up a little straighter in bed.
"Yeah...," I began slowly, inhaling deeply. "I mean, I think so. I just...I don't want you to worry or anything, but I just thought you should know."
"Stella, what's going on?"
"Okay," I nodded to give myself the confidence to speak. "At the Vogue meeting, there was this guy...the assistant to one of the photographers, and I don't know, I guess he was kinda cute and I kinda turned into a mess around him; I was stammering and blushing and fuck, Tyson, it was awful."
"Did something happen between you?" he asked, his voice so soft that I couldn't tell the tone and his face expressionless, but I imagined he was disappointed.
"No!" I replied immediately, wanting to make sure he knew I would never betray him that way. "Nothing happened, but it was like I was a teenager again. I've never been so incoherent in my life; he probably thinks I'm insane, honestly."
There was a moment of silence as Tyson processed this information before a wide grin stretched his lips and he burst into laughter. Seeing as this was completely the opposite of what I expected to happen, I furrowed my brow in confusion. "Why are you laughing at me?"
"Baby, I'm not laughing at you," he promised. "I'm just relieved because I thought you were gonna tell me you'd fallen in love with the guy, but it sounds like you just have a crush."
I supposed that was a good way to put it. Still, his reaction was surprising. "And you're okay with that?"
Shrugging, he relaxed against his pillows. "I don't have a problem with you finding other guys attractive, Stella. It's like you said, we just have to trust each other and I trust you enough to know that you would never do anything about it."
Strangely enough, I felt exactly the same way, because despite the fact that Tyson was currently on an entirely different continent, I had never been worried about him cheating. Falling out of love was one thing, but he would never intentionally hurt me.
I thought about what Alex had said about me being scared of my relationship with Tyson being something that lasted forever and decided that I didn't want to be afraid anymore. I loved Tyson. It was that simple. And I had no idea what the future held, but as of right now, I would be pretty content if I got to spend it with him.
"So we're okay?" I asked, glad I had told him the truth.
Grinning, he nodded. "We're fantastic. Hey, baby, I gotta get up and get ready for the day, but I'll text you later, okay?"
"Okay," I returned his smile, feeling a wave of exhaustion hit. The fact that I no longer had anything to feel guilty about had allowed my body to finally succumb to its tiredness. "I should get some sleep. I love you."
His smile widened and he lifted his fingers to his lips to blow be a kiss before waving. "I love you more. Sweet dreams, baby."
Lifting my hand in a wave, I blew him a kiss as well before exiting out of the video chat, wondering when I'd gotten to the point where everything in my life seemed absolutely perfect, before immediately feeling a knot form in the pit of my stomach as my self-sabotaging nature got the better of me once more. Shaking my head, I lifted myself off the couch and padded towards the bedroom to get ready to go to sleep, thinking that everything being perfect meant that it was only a matter of time before everything went wrong.