She anxiously tilted her head out the window as she looked down from thirty five thousand feet in the air as the plane glided through the fluffy clouds. The accommodation was really good, but that is what's to be expected when in first class. It actually gave her room to wiggle around in whenever she squirmed from second thoughts.
She remembered how skeptical her mother was, when she told her about everything Jack's been leaving her. Her mother was both taken back and awestruck at the fondness that he must have held for Elle, and something inside her whispered in her ear before she finally gave her approval.
"We are now in our final descent. Please fasten your seat belts as we start landing." The speaker above blared out, and Elle grabbed the buckles and secured them over herself before her hands reached up around her neck and felt the beautiful necklace between her fingers as they grazed the precious jewel.
She soon made it into the airport with all her luggage at hand before she saw a formally dressed lady hold up a piece of paper with her name written on it. She watched as the lady lead the bunch of tourists as she made her way to Elle with her own little French flag at hand.
"Are you Elle Martin?" True enough, the lady had a very distinguishable French accent hidden in her words, as well as a very welcoming smile, before Elle nodded. "And where is Mr. Kingston? I understand that both of you were traveling together." She looked down on her clipboard multiple times to double check.
Elle's facade of a cheerful and excited demeanor dropped and her entire body froze at the mention of his name. These were one of the painful accidents that people unconsciously slipped that really upset Elle, since it was a murderous reminder of what had happened. "He couldn't make it. Something came up." Elle dead panned with a straight face.
They soon climbed up the bus and drove off. Edna, the tour guide, had a lot of things to say about everything that no second was left in silence. And Elle would have been able to enjoy her enthusiasm just like everyone else did, but it was too difficult, so she just let her eyes wander outside the Windows.
She saw how Paris had its name as the City of Love cut out for it. It seemed like this was the time of year where all tourists chose to bring their loved ones to the center of romance, and only now did she realize how bitter she has become. She ultimately resented the mere thought of affection now that she has been denied of it and all together understood how bleak life was without it.
They stopped by the famous structures that made Paris known for what it is, and everyone was taking pictures, whereas Elle just looked at it and observed from the distance as her face was overcome by this blurred fascination that may have been synonymous to cynicism.
There was no point in taking pictures except for the few that she did take, since the only person that she ever wanted to tell was gone. The few pictures of her with half a smile was only for her photo album, which seemed like the only way of telling him anything in the form of pictures in the place that seemed to have held his wonder, in her photo album.
The last stop of the day was in the famous Louvre, and the old Elle would have been jumping from excitement, but she just looked at it with a mature interest as her eyes lingered over each painting with only one uniformed thought for each one: How lovelier each painting would have been if he was here with her.
She watched every painting and how each one was like a window into an artist's mind channeled into a visual image. How each stroke may have been a battle scar from an internal war with one's self.
Ever since he left, it seemed like Elle has been plunged into an overdose of a singular sadness. Jack has always been a very beautiful distraction for her, but he's gone now. It allowed the world to devour her once again.
It took months for the hard truth to hit her as she entered her hotel room. It was too big for one person, but that's because she was supposed to be there with him. A twang of regret hit her, knowing that this entire trip was just a big reminder of his death. Everything reminded her of him and how she could never see him ever again.
She opened her suitcase and dug out his journal, something she brought for anticipated moments similar to this one, and pulled it out before laying down on the bed and reading it. Her eyes observed every word intently. Her fingers were fiddling the pages with an eagerness to flip to the next page in hopes that she would feel the calm that normally came when she held the leather bound book near her, but it wasn't working. It wouldn't now that she's been through a day of seeing his face in everything.
A powerful clap of thunder that rang outside before a drizzle of rain fell seemed to be her breaking point before she felt something crack inside her and made her throw the book angrily to the wall.
Soon after seeing the damage, she immediately felt regret in her heart before she climbed off the bed and knelt down to grab the book. She felt bad throwing his entire life like that just because she couldn't control herself. The spontaneity of rage transformed into a familiar haze of melancholy.
As she grabbed it by one of the leather covers and gingerly cradling it between her hands, she saw a piece of paper fall out that wasn't there before.
It wasn't a surprise anymore, since Jack has proven to be a schemer as she bent down and picked it up before unfolding it.
My beloved Elle,
I don't know how it's even possible, but it feels like I will never be able to say everything that I wanted to, even if I was granted a lifetime to do so. And if I know myself just as much as I think I do, I already know that in my last days here on earth that only words filled with sorrow will be spoken. So, I'm taking time now to write everything that I will never be able to speak to you on this piece of paper.
I know that I'll be too drowned in misery to even remember to say anything of gratitude to you. I just wanted to say thank you for everything. Thank you for that day that you chose to confront me rather than withering away like everyone else might have. Thank you for allowing me to see the bright side of life, even when it only lasted for a moment. Thank you for giving me back my smile. I only realized now that only in total darkness will anyone be able to truly appreciate the light.
For the briefest time, the haunting thoughts of death were warded away by the wonderful memory of you. I would sometimes find myself smiling because I didn't even know whether I could call my life the worst because I sometimes wonder whether or not I would meet you if I wasn't ill. Knowing you made all of this worth while, the only sad thing is that it would end like this.
I'll be gone when you read this, Elle. I've accepted that already, but I'm scared that you wouldn't. I don't want you to waste your time crying while the entire world passes by. I want you to go and chase after your dreams, Elle. I want you to live your life. Even if it means leaving me in the past.
You'll always have my heart, Elle. I love you.
Jack
And just like that, she felt her heart shattering all over again. The sobs that she had been desperately trying to hold back broke free from the restraints and poured out with and overwhelming amount of sadness as she huddled her knees up to her chest and prayed that the thunderstorm could muffle her pained wails.
And only now did she allow her thoughts to be free. After months of construction, she thought that it would be lifted a bit, but it was still as strong as her love for him.
Only now was she ready to admit how much her heart was hurting as it mourned him with a burning and all-consuming sadness. She was ready to embrace the burden she was feelings since the day he died and how it felt like it was going to crush her. She was ready to confess how all of their memories together kept flashing back through her mind when she was left alone in the company of isolation and darkness and made her sob in her pillow as her tears soaked the cloth of it.
She missed him. She missed Jack so much.
sorry that this took forever. it took a lot of emotion to write that letter.
I've entered this for wattys, show your support please
wait for letter z
stay amazing
xoxo Elle