I woke up with a stiff neck, sitting in the chair beside the bed. Funny how you can fall asleep and momentarily forget something huge from the day before, but I assumed I'd fallen asleep on the sofa, the light ribboning in from the hospital blinds perfectly imitating my expensive blinds at home. With a yawn, I blinked once, then twice, before I acknowledged the snuffle noises coming from the crib by the window.
And then the woman standing over it, reaching down to retrieve her daughter.
Our daughter.
I got out of the imitation leather monstrosity and went to them, lips aching for Kennedy, and she didn't let me down. Capturing my lips in a clinch that nearly collapsed my freakin knees, she passed me the most mischievous smile.
'Should we be kissing like that, you know....' I nodded down work where Fiona lay in her arms, blissfully contented by her mothers presence. And I felt a pang of jealousy. Not because Kennedy was paying someone else attention other than me, although granted that would take some getting used to, but because I wondered whether my mother ever held me like this. Would thoughts like this become commonplace now?
'It's good for her to see us locking lips.' She promised, with a cheeky wink, as she headed back towards the bed. 'So don't hold back, playboy.'
I scowled. The minx had a baby less than twenty four hours ago and she was already back to her playful self. She set about feeding our little girl and I escaped the room with the promise of a hearty breakfast. I hated hospitals, even more so after my three month stint in this very building, but I felt like everything in my brain had shifted. I was thinking about car seats and high chairs and fucking nursery furniture. What the hell had the woman done to me? I shook my head, laughing to myself and getting all kinds of crazy looks from passers by as I headed to my old favorite restaurant.
The last time I was here, I had some nameless woman backed up against a sink, and if you asked me what she looked like I couldn't tell you whether she was a blonde, brunette or redhead, white, black or green with pink spots. My brain swam with images of my little girl, nestled in Kennedy's arms but as I paid for our order I felt my legs collapse beneath me.
..............
Far off voices again. Fuck fuck fuckity fuck.
Had I been shot, again?
I tried to speak, and all I heard was a slur, my tongue thick, feeling like it was far too big for my mouth. Then I opened my eyes. This time the light didn't sear my retinas.
Kennedy clutched my hand, resting her other palm against my forehead.
'You fainted.' Her voice was strained, and she stroked down my cheek. I moved into her touch, seeking out all the comfort I needed.
'If this is too much for you, just say. I won't be mad, Jimmy.'
'I love it when you call me that.' I smiled at her, eyes sore and bleary.
She passed me a weak half smile, and I knew something was wrong. Sherlock Holmes would have the battle of his life trying to decipher what was on a woman's mind. They were elusive beings. I was learning this.
'I feel a little out of control, that's all. It's not the baby, it's not.....' I trailed off, panic suddenly gripping my chest, a leaden weight pressing down in my gut.
'She's with Aunt Jen.' She soothed, planting a kiss on my cheek, chestnut hair water falling onto my chest. I sucked in a breath as her bronze tinged brown eyes captured mine. 'Don't worry about her. She's fine....Talk to me?' She knotted her hand with mine and perched on the edge of the bed. The noise and the hustle and bustle up in here told me one thing. I'd been brought to the ER. I may as well rent a room in here, it seemed like I was spending most of my life under medical care of late.
'I've been feeling weird since.....'
'Since you got shot?' She wore Winnie the Pooh pyjamas and fluffy rabbit slippers, but I loved how comfortable she was around me. It buoyed me.
'Yeah.....I don't get it, I don't understand why I can't just move past it!'
'It was horrible, the most horrible thing I've ever had to go through, so for you it must have been so much worse. I'm gonna book you in to see someone.'
I blinked at her.
A shrink?
'I know what you're thinking.' She scowled, playfully, 'But you wouldn't be the first macho guy to get post traumatic stress disorder.'
She stroked my chest, and there it was. That iron rod erection that she provoked every time she touched me.
'I like the macho bit. I'm still not sold on the PTSD thing.'
'But you'll do it for Fiona, won't you.' It was more of a demand, than a request.
But I knew she was right. I couldn't flounder. Not when I had a family to support.
James Dean had a family. The man whore was settling down. I felt the undeniable flutter in my stomach as Jen whipped aside the plastic curtain and came towards me, carrying sweet, tiny, Fiona.
'I'll do it for all my girls.' I grinned, as Jen placed a kiss on my forehead. She punched my arm, just to show she hadn't gone soft.
'You sap.' She chided, 'She's the one who had the kid, and you faint in a restaurant?'
I blushed as Kennedy giggled, and I reached out for my little girl. Jen begrudgingly lowered her into my arms and I nuzzled into her sweet, baby soft chest. She was a beauty, even more so today. She came out kinda swollen looking, but now she looked like a little cherub. She regarded me with her bright blue eyes, and gazed into mine.
'Sing to her douche!' Jen urged me.
'Yeah, sing to her, douche.' Kennedy chuckled.
'Come on ladies!' I sulked, 'less of the douche thing, I want her to think I'm some kind of hero. Both of you, leave me alone with my little girl for a minute.'
They trudged away, leaving me with Fiona, who contentedly kept me under her spell. This had to be a Clark thing. How could I be in love with two of them? But it felt the same. The same buzz, the same euphoria, the rush of endorphins as I cuddled our daughter.
'I'm guessing you remember my voice, you know, from when you were in your Mom's belly, and from yesterday.' I paused, feeling kinda stupid talking to a baby, but she was captivated by me. I needed to please my audience. Even if said audience was less than a day old. 'I'll go to whatever doctor your Mom wants me to go to, I guess I can't be fainting when I'm looking after you. You know, when I take you into the office and show you off, and then when you're a little bigger you'll love the park. I'll take you every weekend, give Mom a break and we can grab a burger, and some ice cream.....you'll love ice cream.....my favorite flavour is chocolate. But it doesn't smell half as good as you.' I lapped up her indescribable baby scent. 'You're like the cutest thing I've ever seen. I mean your Mom's pretty cute and you know, I'm not bad, ladies have called me cute before.....but I've got nothing on you Fiona.'
She made her lamb like noise, and I hadn't realized it, it was kind of an auto pilot thing, but I had been rocking her gently, and now her eyes were closing.
'That's it kid, get some sleep. You did good yesterday, it wasn't as gross as I thought it was gonna be.'
The curtain moved aside, and my Dad stood there, tears in his eyes and I shook my head. He'd been standing there listening, I just knew it.
'She's beautiful son....can I hold her?'
'In a minute.' I murmured, as she snoozed in my arms. 'I need my dose of baby right now.'
'Kennedy said you agreed to seeing a doctor.'
'I did.'
'You have the best reason now, son. Look at her. She's gonna need you for the rest of her life. Look at Jen, she's thirty two and she still needs her Dad.'
'I need you too.' My voice cracked a little, my emotions really were bubbling to the surface today.
'I know.'
Dad sat on th edge of the bed, and for the first time in years, he kissed the top of my head. 'I always knew there was a heart inside you, kid. You kept it well hidden, but I'm guessing the right woman was the key. To survive the whole pregnancy thing, and the shooting, and her step dad, and getting to know one another thrown into the mix, it shows that you're capable of getting through anything. Your sister wasn't so lucky.'
I frowned, wondering where this was going. Jen had Lucas. Okay, so they couldn't have the baby they coveted, but they were moving past it. She told me in Ibiza how much she loved him.
'Jen is happier than she's ever been.' I inputted, and Dad sighed.
'I didn't find out till this morning. After you were admitted I bumped into Lucas. He was really weird with me, so when I caught up with Jen, she told me.'
'What?'
'That they broke up after the shooting. He admitted that he was seeing someone else, and they were serious and that the baby thing was a bigger issue than he'd admitted.'
'Oh my God.' I stood up, passing Fiona to Dad. 'What a dick! What a total bastard!'
'So you see, even though people wrote you off as some womanizer, you've been more of a man than a guy everybody respected and thought highly of. You've stood by Kennedy. You took her in when you weren't sure of what the future held. You just knew you couldn't leave her. It takes a strong man to stand by a woman. Especially strong, independent women like Kennedy and Jen. I'm devastated for my little girl, but I wouldn't want her being with someone who didn't love her enough to accept that they can't have kids, but they still have each other.'
I swallowed, pushing the curtain aside, and I knew where I was headed. Feeling determined, and pushing aside the haze from my little fainting session, I charged up the flight of stairs to the delivery suite where my own daughter was born. Kennedy was fully dressed in a long red maxi dress and a black shrug. She looked incredible. But I needed to see Jen.
My sister stepped out of the bathroom, drying her hands on her top, the way she always did. Jen never used hand dryers, she hated the damn things. I approached her, knowing she wouldn't want the whole hugging and kissing thing. We didn't have that kind of thing growing up, but we always had one another. Twins stuck together through thick, thin and whatever else life threw at us. Sure we'd had our issues over the years, but she was my kid sister, and I loved her so much. So fucking much.
'I just heard about Lucas.'
She lowered her head, looking towards Kennedy.
'I'm fine.' But as she brought her sleeve to her nose, I knew she wasn't.
'Jen....' I began, but I felt a hand on my lower back, and then Kennedy's hand finding mine.
'We want you to move in with us. We need each other. Fiona needs her aunt, Jimmy needs his sister, and I would love the help while she's so little.'
I expected Jen to say no. She'd always been such a proud woman. The feisty kick ass lawyer with a manner many were afraid of. Some thought she was a hard nosed woman with no feeling, but I knew different. And Kennedy knew, too. She squeezed my hand, and Jen smiled.
'I would love to spend some time with you all. This whole nine months has been so crazy.'
'It has.' Kennedy looked up at me, as I suppressed the urge to kiss her face right off. I had to remember my heartbroken sister was standing in front of us, and I knew enough about women now to take her feelings into consideration. 'Its been the craziest time of my whole life. But I wouldn't swap a second of it, for all the money in the world.'
................