Songs for this chapter are:
Waiting Game- Banks
Lego House- Ed Sheeran
Haunting- Halsey
...
The last thirty minutes have been confusing to say the least. I don't know how to stop this spiral, or even if I should. Her words mean so much to me, but there's a hint of something missing, some small part of me that isn't connecting to her words. I feel slightly skeptical and I don't know if I should be so quick to jump when she says jump.
The spiral has much more pull on me than the nag of something missing does and I don't want this moment to end, I don't want her to go. I want her to stay and make up for the times when she left me and feel normal again. It's easier to focus on other people and make everyone around me happy than it is to come to terms with the fact that maybe I'm a little lonelier than I care to admit. It's so easy to fall back into this routine with her. I used to think that I was made to protect her, that every atom of my body was created solely for her purpose. I was happiest when I had her, when I had someone that made me feel important, needed.
Dakota came here, she ran to me. Is she done running from me? Her body is so close to me now, so close that I could reach a hand out to her and pull her into my arms if I wanted to, and I do want to. I just need her touch. I need to know if that familiar tingle will spread through my body in the wake of her fingertips. I need to see if she can fill the empty parts of me that she left, like holes in my body.
I take another step and wrap my arm around her small frame. She leans into me without missing a beat and my lips move with caution, to find hers. Her mouth is so soft, her lips are clouds that I want to be lost in, high above the word of logic and far away from our shared pain. I want to float in this space where it's her and I, and me and her. No breakups, no tragedy, no shitty parents or exams or long hours of work.
The moment my lips graze hers, Dakota's breath hitches and relief floods me. My mouth is timid, careful not to rush into this. My tongue glides over hers and she's melting into me, as she always did.
I bring my other hand to the small of her back and pull her closer. The material of her tutu shuffles against my sweats and she uses both hands to push the sparkling fabric down. I hear the skirt hit the tile floor and she presses her body against mine. Her body is harder than I remember, the hard work she's put in is paying off and I love the way she feels now, solid and mine. She's actually mine, maybe not forever, but for right now.
Dakota's mouth is slightly slack, as if she's forgotten how to kiss me. I rub her back as she tries to remember my mouth. My thumbs trace small circles on the small of her back and she sighs a breath between my lips. Her kiss is slow and her mouth tastes like tears and I don't know if they are mine or hers. She sniffles and I pull away.
"What's wrong?" I ask her, my throat is full of molasses and my words are slow, stuck in my throat, "Are you okay?"
She nods and I look down at her face, taking her in. Her brown eyes are shining with tears and her lips are wet, pouty, and turned down into a frown.
"What is it?"
"I'm fine," she wipes at her eyes. "It's not that I'm sad, I'm just overwhelmed. I've missed you," she sniffles again and a single tear escapes and runs down her cheek. I pad at it with my thumb and she breathes heavily, into my hand cupping her cheek.
"Will you give me time to figure my shit out? Please Landon, I know I don't deserve another chance, but I will never, ever hurt you again. I'm sorry."
I pull her into me, relief and anxiety floods through me as I hug her to my body. I have been waiting for months to hear these words, maybe that's why they sound so foreign? I've wished for these exact words for so long that I willed this to happen. Will this be a blessing or a curse? Or both? I can't stop my mind from whirling. I push my own thoughts aside and comfort her.
"Shh," I whisper and rest my chin on top of her head. I slowly rub her back to calm her.
A few seconds pass and she pulls away slightly to look up at me.
"I don't deserve you," she says softly. Her eyes don't meet mine as she continues, "But I've never wanted you more."
Her head is heavy on my chest as she cries. Her hands are balls, full of my t-shirt. A faint ringing sounds through the apartment and Dakota quickly reacts, lifting her head from my chest. Talk about bad timing.
"I'm so sorry, it's my agent. Well, not agent yet, but he might be," she says, rushing to the living room.
Agent?
Since when does she have an agent? Or want one? What the heck does an agent do for a ballet student? I know she's been auditioning for small roles in commercials for the timing being, but maybe she's decided to pursue acting? Hell if I know.
From the living room, her voice is loud.
"I have to go," Dakota's head pops into the doorway of the kitchen. "I'm so sorry, but this is huge!"
She walks into the kitchen, tears gone and frown replaced by a bright smile.
"I'll come back tomorrow, okay?" She leans onto the tips of her toes and kisses me softly on the cheek.
Her hand squeezes mine and she looks like a new person. She's happy, she's light. I've missed this version of her and I can't decide if I should be disappointed that she's leaving my place in the middle of whatever the hell we were doing, or excited for her and whatever opportunity is potentially coming her way.
I choose to be happy for her and not question her motive.
"I have to work tomorrow, but I'll be here Friday, all night after classes," I tell her.
She beams. "I'll come Friday and maybe I can stay over?"
Dakota looks at me shyly, like she's never stayed with me before. She bites her lips and I can't stop my mind from recalling the last time she was in my bed. Well, not the last time, because she was drunk and I didn't touch her, but the time before that.
She was beautiful, her bare skin was shimmering under the dim light in my room at Ken's. She had woken me up in the middle of the night with her mouth around my cock. Her mouth was so warm, so wet, and I was so hard, embarrassing myself by finishing within a few slow drags of her mouth.
"Landon?" Dakota knocks me back into reality.
"Yes of course," I feel the blood rushing to my cock. Hormones are tricky and embarrassing things, "Of course I want you to stay."
"Good. See you Friday," she says while quickly kissing my lips. She squeezes my hand and rushes out the door.
Sleep doesn't come easy. My mind is stuck on my past. As I lay here, staring at my ceiling fan, I'm sixteen, writing notes to Dakota in class and hoping to not get caught. She's giggling at the words I've written down, sexual innuendos that I knew would make her smile. Our teacher was so oblivious most days that we would pass notes back and forth the entire class and he would never notice. On this particular day, much to our misfortune, he noticed. He caught me red-handed and forced me to read the message in front of the entire class.
My cheeks burned as I spoke, something along the lines of her tasting like chocolate covered strawberries and I couldn't wait to devour her.
Oh man, I was lame as hell.
The class snickered, but Dakota sat with her back straight, smiling at me. She looked at me like she wasn't a lick of embarrassed, like she couldn't wait to jump my bones. I remember thinking that she was only trying to make me feel less mortified, but when we were walking home, she did in fact, jump my bones.
It's hard to believe we were only teens when we were together. We went through so much, so many firsts, good and bad. We were good together and we still can be. Memory after memory floods through my dark bedroom and my bed has never felt so empty. Friday can't come soon enough.
....
Friday is here. It came faster than I expected it to. Yesterday after my classes, I worked until close. Posey and Aiden were both there, but Aiden was surprisingly quiet. Uncharacteristically so. He seemed to be concentrated on something else, or maybe he decided to stop being an obnoxious douche. Whatever the reason is, I'm glad for it.
Dakota text me twice yesterday, and once this morning, just to tell me that she can't wait to see me. Her affection is still slightly confusing, but with each bit of attention she feeds me, my loneliness fades. It's such an instinctual thing, needing companionship. I never thought of myself as a person who needs someone else, and sometimes I question why humans are made this way.
Why is it that since the beginning of our history, we crave company, and we strive for love? The goal of life whether you're religious, or not, is to find companionship in friends and in lovers.
Humans are needy creatures, and turns out, I'm very, very human.
(Author's note: I'm updating tomorrow! What are you reading now? On and off Wattpad??)