I have nothing to apologize for. I have done nothing wrong, and I am not the one at fault. But at the same time, I just wish all our problems would disappear. There were always times when I felt as if our love was true and magical, and other times, I was afraid it was all an illusion. But I wouldn't find out for sure unless he comes before my train for Seattle arrives.
I had just graduated from high school and I had two different colleges in mind. One here in California, and the other up in Washington State. But I was going to visit UW today, and I honestly am not sure how college will treat me, or how the other students will react to my general personality, but I will just have to see when I get there. I had been putting off Seattle for a while, only because my boyfriend is here in L.A. Yet, here I am. Waiting for my train. I am deathly afraid to know if what we have is really this fragile. And I won't know unless he arrives before the train.
He was the type of guy with eyes that you could lose yourself in. The type whose mysterious demeanor made you want him all the more. The type that couldn't be loved. Or be changed. But you wanted to try anyway because you were so confident in your abilities to reach his heart but, little did you know, his heart was unreachable. He was distant- but that space that he put between you and him- only drew you nearer. His mind games pulled you close, and pushed you away at the same time. Which hurt.
I met him my senior year. But my senior year didn't revolve around him, not at first. It revolved around my grades. Striving for excellence, and making my parents proud. Each year, as similar as the last, just as well as every other day. And my senior year started off no differently. On the first day, I felt so confident with my head held high, so sure of how my year would go. So much so that I barely kept up with my close friends, which there were only two- Lauren Nelson and Dylan Edge. And before my first day of senior year, my mom told me something I would never forget. She said, "Everything you do now, is for your future". Her words have stuck with me to this very day.
I arrived on the first day at the same old school, same faces, and same attitude. My school day started with History Class. My teacher gave us assigned seats, so upon arrival, I wandered around the classroom searching for my name. Once I finally saw "Jessalyn Grace Bale" placed next to the name "Trevor Banter", in the very front row, I figured Mr. Tanks had simply arranged us in alphabetical order. Because I made meaningless observations like that. Day after day, my life would be capable of putting any ordinary person to sleep. Simply put, my life excluded drama and maintained order, headed towards a good college and success since the day I stepped foot onto a school campus. So what did I have to look forward to other than college life? I definitely wasn't ecstatic about the first football game of the year either. I didn't care for sports, however, Lauren always dragged me to the Friday night football games. I feel there is no importance to mentioning anything about the football games, however, the first game of the year was very memorable.
The stands flickered with the black and gold of our school colors, capacitated with parents and teachers and classmates, filing up and down the towering bleachers. My carelessness and stubbornness brought negativity to the atmosphere that surrounded me. As Lauren pulled me by the arm to the student section, I felt a *buzz* in my pants pocket.
Once Lauren and I were situated in the student section, surrounded by screaming, stomping, and cheering people, of whom their identities were none of my concern, I reached into my pocket to check on my phone notification. It was from Dylan.
I met Dylan my sophomore year. He was the confidante of our group, the one with the best advice. His tangled, messy brown hair fell over his forehead and swept slightly to the side, and hugged his neck in the back. His large, droopy, hazel eyes always seemed so serious, yet he always saw the adoration in each of his friends. That always made him that much more appreciated by all those who knew him. And I knew he attained the qualities of a good friend the day that I met him. But we were distant during the summer because he was dating a girl of whom I didn't approve. She cheated on him.
His text message to me read, "Where are you?" So naturally, I responded, telling him our location in the student section. He had let me know that he would be at the game but I hadn't expected him to arrive this late into it. Then again I ever paid much attention to the games anyway. But he arrived once the halftime show already started taking place, and once the show was over, he made his way to where Lauren and I sat. After he sat, he brought up the point that we hadn't talked all summer. Which was true. So he went on. He took the time to tell me that I need to learn to get out of the house every once in a while.
So Lauren added, "G that is why I brought you to tonight!" Whilst shaking me by the shoulder, she continued, "You need to get out more!"
Excuse me if I cared about my future as well as my relationship with my parents, unlike Lauren. With her reputation, and the fact that she just didn't seem to care about anything- other than the next time she would be getting laid- I was surprised that we were friends. However, her loving, carefree personality did match mine perfectly. But going out with her more often than not- no thank you. So, rather than explain the reasons why I absolutely did not want to 'get out more', I simply laughed it off and shook my head.
But Dylan was still persistent, so he continued, "You need to get out of the house every now and again. Ever since school started, you haven't wanted to hang out, and that's not healthy, Jess." He seemed serious, but I knew he only spoke this way because he wanted to stay in touch with me. Not because it was unhealthy.
"Not true, I talk to you at school." I teased, looking forward and sticking my nose in the air.
"Last year maybe! But I loved hanging out with you last year, we always talked! And now-" he squinted his eyes, "you're a hermit" he teased, then as he took a sip of his soda, he leaned forward, resting his elbows on his legs. I rolled my eyes.
The load roars of the crowd overpowered our conversation, so I decided not to talk much for the rest of the football game, which seemed to go on and on. But it finally ended.
My parents waited in the front of the school, so Lauren and Dylan walked me to the car. Passing the familiar faces of my classmates, none acknowledged me. I wasn't popular, then again, why did I need to be? High schoolers never understand the true importance of their lives until their mistakes are already made. Which is exactly how the popular crowd lived their daily lives. Making mistakes. So their blurred faces passed one by one, day after day.
On the ride home, I stared out the open window, resting my head on my folded arms. And I thought to myself. I thought about the stars, and about the moon. And how they made me long for something more. More for each and every one of those blurred faces that passed by me, day after day. And more for myself. And I looked out the window in my room too. Wondering who else was looking out their window at the moon. Then my phone *buzzed* again. Dylan again.
"You seemed pretty bummed after the game today." It read.
I laid on my back with my glowing screen above my face, and clicked my thumbs against the keyboard, and responded, "I was just tired. Can I call?" I laid my phone on my stomach and waited for his response.
...
"Yeah, I'll answer."
...
"Hello?"
"Hey, Dylan."
"Hey, G."
"I just wanted to call you since you said that we apparently don't talk anymore."
"This is true."
"So, let's talk Diller."
"Don't call me Diller"
"Aw cmon Dill pickle don't be like that"
"G I'm going to hang up on you."
"No don't I'll cry."
"...Fine, G. I won't hang up."
"You're too nice to hang up on me anyway, Dill Pickle. You know, that's going to stick. You're too serious for a serious nickname."
"Jess, I don't understand how you can be so frustrating sometimes."
"And you never will. Goodnight Dill."
"Goodnight G."
...
The next morning I woke up refreshed and ready to start my day. I checked the time on my phone beside my bed. It read 6:30. I reached down into my bag to check how much money I had so I could possibly go shopping after school.
But my wallet was gone.