Parker
“Come on, admit it, you like her,” Bo raised his eyebrows suggestively at me.
“Maybe you like her,” I responded sarcastically.
Madalynne was that girl next door; the one who you knew your entire life; the kind of friendship it was inevitable one person would develop feelings. But I never saw her that way.
“No seriously,” I continued, “you’re always bringing her up…why don’t you ask her out?”
Bo looked shocked that I could have even suggested such a thing. “It’s not that way Parker; I see the way she looks at you.”
“Well I wonder if she’s noticed you stalking her,” I joked, attempting to avoid the conversation altogether.
Madalynne was my best friend, she had been my entire life; I never wanted to endanger our friendship. But I couldn’t help feeling intrigued after the comment my brother made. “Do you really think she likes me?” I asked, attempting to sound as disinterested as possible.
“Maddy is one of a kind; girls like her don’t come around every day, and if you haven’t figured that out yet, then I worry about your romantic future,” my brother answered before heading to his room.
I pondered this for a long time after he left me. Was there something could see that I couldn’t? What did he know?
“Honey, can you set the table please?” My mother asked, softly.
“Sure thing Mama,” I replied, hopping up from the couch and heading to the cabinets to get the dinnerware.
My mother had cooked my favorite meal, Pot roast, mashed potatoes, and corn on the cob and while I was stoked to be able to enjoy it, something told me this dinner was different. My parents had been acting strange all week. They had been out late one night, later than normal, and brought home a packet of some sort, but when I asked what they had been up to--they swiftly changed the subject. I had a feeling this dinner was going to be the one where they dropped the bomb. Not quite sure what kind of explosive they would be dropping, but I knew something was up.
After setting the table, my mother dished out all of the food. It was only the three of us tonight. My seven year old sister Gwen was spending the night at a friend’s house, so it was unusually quiet as we ate my mother’s delicious meal. After about 15 minutes of eating, without a word, my father finally broke the silence.
“Parker, we need to talk to you about something.”
I looked up at him cautiously, over my plate, “yeah?”
“Your mother and I went to see an army recruit the other day,” he replied, in between chews.
“Don’t you think you’re a little late in the game to be joining the army Pop?” I laughed, but stopped myself midway, realizing he may not think it as funny as I did.
“Son, don’t you think it’s about time you got serious about your future?” My father asked sternly, eyeing me down.
I looked up sheepishly at him, “Pop, it is my senior year, I have less than one month until I graduate. Do you think maybe I could take some time to appreciate the fact that I made it through the last four years before buckling down and getting serious?”
“Parker, I know there is no convincing you to go to college. Your mother and I have given up that dream long ago. And to be quite honest, the military is the last route we would want you to take; you’re our only son left. But I don’t see any harm in trying to prepare you for the real world. Once you graduate you are going to have to move out, and without a degree landing a decent paying job will be difficult. That’s why your mother and I went to check out an alternative for you.” My father pulled his napkin out from his collar and set it on the table next to him.
“You’re serious?” I looked back and forth, between the two of them.
My mother stood up quickly, grabbing the mysterious manila envelope I had seen them cart around, and then plopped it down right in front of me. I opened it, slowly, not sure how I felt about this intervention.
I was surprised to find information and brochures on every facet of the military, not solely the army; the reserves, the National Guard, the navy, even the air force.
“The last thing I would want to do is lose you to some war in the Middle East,” my mother spoke then, “but you know your father came from a military family, and we see a lot of honor in fighting for our country, so we support it.” She smiled back at me then. “Now, all you have to do is your homework.”
I suddenly felt extremely overwhelmed. “May I be excused?”
“Sure honey, I know this is a lot to digest,” my mother replied softly as I slid my chair back and exited the room with the manila folder. I ran up the stairs and into my room, closing the door behind me. I dropped the manila folder on my desk without a second glance. I honestly wasn’t 100% sure how I felt about their suggestion. I mean, sure, I had toyed with the idea of joining the military after what had happened with Bo. I had forgotten how fixated on that dream I had become.
When Madalynne’s brother Mason passed away two years ago while on deployment, it halted my plans; I knew the dangers of being in the military, and while I had been prepared to face them, Madalynne was not as prepared to let me.
I had always looked up to Mason, almost like a brother. He was the closest thing I had to it after I lost Bo. His passing was rough on the both of us, his sister and me...but especially her. I noticed the light she carried, dim; her happiness and joy stolen. And it was just the beginning of her parents’ marital problems.
I had been dating Madalynne Johnson for three and a half years now, the idea of leaving her alone, to deal with her parents crap, especially after all that we had been through, was unappealing to say the least.
I know I didn’t show it enough, but Madalynne meant the world to me. She had been there for me in my darkest hours, and I owed my life to her. She never knew the extent to which she changed and touched my life, but I wanted to make sure she never went a day questioning my love or feelings for her, it was the least I could do for her.
There was only one other person I felt like I could share myself entirely with, her name was Jacqueline Blunt. I had never met her in person, but I had begun an internet friendship with her in middle school, shortly after my brother Bo, committed suicide. I was only 13 years old at the time and I was never the same. I was the one who had found him. I had come home from school one day and had gone into the bathroom, only to find him hanging from the ceiling in the tub.
That day will haunt me for the rest of my life. In the beginning the screams were echoing so loud and hard, I didn’t realize it was actually me screaming. When I finally willed my legs to move I ran around the house frantically searching for something to cut him down. When I finally cut him loose, he fell to the floor in a lifeless heap. I just held him there, crying, cursing at him, and asking him why he left me. His body was blue, so incredibly blue.
He was only two years older than me. I wondered what could have been so terrible that he would have wanted to take his own life. I blamed myself for not being able to prevent it, to see the signs.
Bo had even left a suicide letter; one that will be etched into my brain forever. He wrote of his struggles with his sexuality. He wrote of the torment his peers had put him through. Things he had kept hidden for far too long. He wrote of the bullies that in his heart pushed him to this decision.
It broke my heart that he didn’t feel comfortable coming to anyone in my family for help or guidance. He had always made it seem so easy; life; I came to understand he had been living a lie.
My parents and I were blind sighted. We had-had no clue. The killer part about it was that it wouldn’t have mattered to me, definitely not my mother…but my father was a loose cannon. We never knew how he would react.
It really did a number on my family. My parents couldn’t stand the sight of each other, each secretly blaming the other. They slept in separate bedrooms for almost a year after Bo.
I shut down almost entirely after my brother left me. I isolated myself. I pushed the closest people away from me. There was a time I didn’t even see Madalynne. An entire summer I avoided her because she just reminded me of Bo. I couldn’t stand to be around her. I couldn’t stand to see her and be reminded of the memories of all of us as children. Building forts and making up plays. She was the only person who knew that losing Bo was going to turn my world upside down.
She reached out for me, I pulled further away. In that dark time, I joined an online chat room about suicide and met a young girl, like myself, Jacqueline. She was a couple of years younger than me, but she could relate to my story because like my brother, she had attempted to kill herself. Only, she didn’t succeed. I was so angry at Bo at the time; Jacqueline was like a Godsend, helping me understand why he would ever do such a thing; helping refocus my anger; helping me find love again and be able to forgive Bo and move on.
I spent months getting lost in conversations online with Jacqueline. She would make me forget, for even just a little bit of time, that I had lost my best friend and brother. I felt guilty for pushing Madalynne away and building this new relationship behind her back with Jacqueline. I knew with 100% certainty that Madalynne was head over heels in love with me. And prior to Bo passing away, I was positive as well that I was going to be spending the rest of my life with her. Just like I knew she wished, just like I knew our families hoped.
But as soon as Bo passed away, everything changed. I changed. Being around Madalynne was gut wrenching for me; too much for me to handle in my fragile state. So I spent my middle school days behind a computer screen flirting with a girl I had never even met.
Merely three years later, Madalynne’s brother Mason was killed by a roadside bomb in Lebanon while he was out on his second deployment. It shook both our families’ worlds to the core. I was as close to him as humanely possible, but I had to stay strong for Madalynne. His death was almost the complete destruction of our relationship; but I never gave up on her, just like she hadn’t on me. We took it day by day, but eventually we were able to help each other grieve and move on.
I sat down at my computer desk, scanning my instant messenger for the familiar screen name I had been conversing with for over four years. AngelGoddessL, I quickly spotted her screen name and double clicked it to begin a conversation.
“Hey Hun,” it’s what I had been referring to Jacqueline as for at least the last two years.
“Hey babe, how ya been?” Her familiar font popped up on the screen. I felt a little relief as I began to tell her about my current predicament with my parents.
“Remember after Bo died…nothing made you happy, nothing excited you. But when we used to talk about joining the army and being able to travel and experience life and really make a difference, it excited you. The fear of the unknown; you were so angry with him…I think you wanted to feel something, anything.”
She was right. Even now, thinking about what I wanted to spend the rest of my life doing, nothing came to mind. Nothing even sounded slightly appealing. I guess deep down I always thought that is how it would end up and had come to terms with the fact.
“How is Maddy going to feel about all of this?” Her question was not one I was expecting.
“I don’t want to talk about Maddy right now,” I wrote in response.
“Ok, what do you want to talk about?”
“I want to see you…now.” I knew it wasn’t possible, us being over 1000 miles apart, but I had an idea. Jacqueline and I had traded pictures over the years; we were MySpace friends, and then Facebook friends, but we had never met in person and we had been holding off skyping hoping that it would add mystery to our first meeting, but I couldn’t wait any longer. If anyone knew me as well as, if not better than Maddy, it was her.
Before I knew it our Skype connection was complete and I was staring at what looked like the most delicate angel. She had light blond hair and blue eyes. Her hair was shoulder length and parted right down the middle. She wore little to no makeup, but her rosy cheeks and pink lips were enough to make any guy blush. She was wearing plain black tank top.
“You’re prettier than your pictures,” I pointed out, smiling back at the person who had meant more to me than she would ever know these past four years.
“Thank you.” She blushed in response, looking away from the camera. Her voice matched her beauty, just as angelic as she was.
“Don’t be shy love, what do you think of me?” I grinned back at her.
“You look like, well, like, Parker,” she replied gently, and then laughed lightly.
“Thank you Jacqueline, that’s exactly what I needed.” I stroked the computer screen around her hair. “I wish I could see you for real.”
“Someday Parker Grant, someday.” And with that she left the conversation and signed off for the night.