PLEASE READ: Hello! J So thanks aging for reading my story. I know that I am totally letting you guys down by taking long to upload. In my defence I am at University doing my honours year, I have work to do every day and it drains the life out of me. Whenever I get a chance to write I do. Will you please be a little patient with me with regards to uploads because as much as I love writing I have to focus on my studies.
High Fives to those of you who don't mind the wait.
Some of you are asking questions. So maybe I should do a q & a where you can ask me anything and I will try to answer. But not give a way anything. I don't exactly know how to go about it, does anybody have suggestions? TRY: http://ask.fm/apathetic_Remorse
A Reader suggested I get KIK messenger so if you want to chat with me my username is apathetic_Remorse or Tee Wattpad.
I'm sorry for the long essay lol. Just thought I would inform you.
Enjoy the chapter
Hearts
Tee
****
Dedication to 17Serenity for the lovely covers she has made
"When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide."
Chapter 16
As soon as Alpha Carter left the room I literally broke down and cried. Tears were unfamiliar to me, I never cried, it was a show of weakness. I was so unsure of myself and the things that were happening, I was losing my self-control.
Emotions made me weak.
Being with him would strengthen the mate bond, I didn't know what to expect from that. Neither of us could afford for that to happen. I would be left pining after him, needing something from him that he didn't want.
Maybe this could be a good opportunity to possibly find out why, find a way out of this situation. I don't want to know the reason why he doesn't want me, that would only make me feel more worthless but I need to know why he won't reject me. Why is he stringing me along and being such a jerk about it. I'm beginning to think he get some pleasure seeing me hurt. Does he even realise?
I could use this situation to my advantage.
To reject him.
Once and for all.
****
I stayed in bed for the day. Not that I could do anything or go anywhere. My body ached so much; being unconscious for two days was really exhausting. By the time nightfall came I was wide awake, tossing and turning. Inherently I Dreaded being in such close proximity to Alpha Carter.
The pack doctor came to check on me a few times; on his last check-in he had upped my pain killer dosage so that I could sleep 'peacefully'. He didn't seem to be affected by my heat; he was old with white hair and caring brown eyes. I know him as one of my grandfather's closest friends. Would he tell my grandfather what happened?
After a while I began to feel drowsy, I was fighting sleep because deep down and I mean really deep down inside the depth of my being I was ecstatic, elated in my own utopia because my mate would be sleeping next to me. That part of me was very small however, the bigger part wanted to crawl under a rock and die.
I drifted in and out of sleep until I felt his presence, my sorry excuse of a mate. My heart began beating rapidly, my palms began to sweat, and my scent became stronger as if my soul called to him. Like an annoying song playing in the back of my head that I couldn't switch off but my wolf danced her heart out. The dance could've been very seductive, calling out to my mate's inner wolf. I couldn't be sure because all I wanted to do was puke my guts out.
I heard him come in, close the door behind him. I opened my eyes to watch him. He walked in and stood over my bed for a second, my guess was to check my vitals in the machine that I was still hooked up on. I felt like I could explode at any minute, having him so near and yet so far. The heart monitor was going into overdrive, yet he ignored it.
My heart clenched as I heard him go over to the far corner of my room, nwhere my study desk was. He sat down and I heard some ruffling of paper.
I dared not make a sound.
A few minutes past and I felt like I was being tortured. If he was going to be in the same room as me then he needed to be close.
Close enough for us to touch.
I immediately tried to think about something else besides our bodies touching... To feel his skin on mine igniting a fire that only he could put out. Would his touch be gentle?
Ag Sage! Snap out of it.
No matter how I tried to get myself to stop I just couldn't.
His breathing was even and I heard the shuffling of papers, reluctantly I opened up my eyes which had been bolted shut a few seconds ago.
He was sitting at my desk, the lamp turned on and he was...
Working.
Papers were sprawled out and he looked to be really concentrating on whatever he was doing.
While he was looking so calm, collected and ignoring me . I was having an internal battle with myself.
Instincts were a tricky thing; they make you to do foolish things, things that go against everything you think you stand for. With me it was no different. The animalistic side of me was coming to life; this heat was like a bomb that went off giving these instincts, that I don't know how to use very well, strength.
Strength to make me a slave to my instincts.
"Alpha Carter?" I called out softly, croaky, against my will.
He immediately stopped what he was doing, he got up and rushed to my side. I dared not look into his eyes.
"Yes?" He questioned, his voice was so gentle so unfamiliar that I wanted to run away from it.
As if I had lost the ability to control what I say, I said, "If you are going to be here you need to be close."
I hoped he would understand what I meant. That he was making it impossible for me to breathe with him here. But not here where I was, with me. we were so far away from each other's wave length.
His eyebrows creased and eyes clouded with confusion. He looked at the monitor and slowly touched my bear arm. Immediately it stopped beeping so rapidly, slow steady beating returned, I was grateful that my heart was no longer threatening to thump through my ribcage. At least he wasn't stupid. Realization hit and he nodded his head.
His face turning emotionless again as he turned away from me, if it was possible my heart broke all over again. Was I really that repulsing? A single tear fell from my eye, a wasted tear. Instead he didn't turn away from me; instead he went to put his papers away and turned off the small lamp.
He walked back to my bed, taking off his shoes, lifting the covers and settled next to me for the night.
I couldn't say I wasn't happy. Because a part of me was, the animalistic side. The other side...
The side of the girl, who was abused by her own blood, was the side of me I wasn't too sure about.
****
I couldn't bear to wake up. His scent lingered in the air, he was so close. Close enough for me to run my hands through his hair, to caress his face, touch his lips with my own. His arm were around my waist, holding me in place, I felt complete and utter bliss.
God I need him.
That though brought realisation. He didn't want me. As quick as the feelings of bliss came they went away. I was filled with despair. I needed to get away from him. He was suffocating me with his senseless back and forth ways. I ripped the cords that were attached to my arm out, I didn't need them anymore.
I needed to get away.
I got up from the bed; if he was awake he didn't make it known. His arm slid smoothly away from around my waist. As I got off the bed and practically ran toward the bathroom I felt a definite chill that made me shudder.
Coldness from not being complete.
I stripped my clothes off and got into the steaming hot shower. I began Washing his scent off me, scrubbing until my skin was raw and red.
I couldn't do this, I was trembling. Instinctively I wanted to go back and beg him to reconsider his 'want' for me. For him to take me in every way possible.
Possibilities that sent my heart into overdrive just thinking about it.
I don't know how long I stayed in the shower, getting myself together so that I would appear neutral.
Did he not know what he was doing to me?
Or did he just not care?
After drying myself off and changing. I walked out of the bathroom, my head hung low.
There was a difference in the air, like all the power had been sucked out of it.
He was gone.
I felt like breaking down and crying!
I took a deep breathe, I Calmed myself down. Breakfast was laid out on the table near my window. All the delicious scents made my mouth water; I seemed to have my appetite back.
Now that I think about it I wasn't exactly in pain, rather there was a steady hum of it. Nothing I couldn't handle.
After eating I was bored, Nothing to do with so much time. I decided to paint. It was not something I do often, I never had the time for it so I couldn't say I was any good. Luckily I had gotten some supplies when I arrived in this town. I needed something to get my mind off things and paint seemed to do just that.
I took all the things I would need out from one of the boxes in the closet that I hadn't unpacked yet and moved over to the window where I rested the paint and paint rushes on the windowsill.
Hours passed by but all I that was on my mind was the painting in front of me. I took a step back from my work; it was almost as if I was broken out of trance. What I saw before me left me flabbergasted. I examined the painting; the main colours were black, red and blue.
There was a women resting in the middle of the forest on a bed of bloody leaves. Around here stood several wolves, they were vicious and cursed. All sense of humanity drained from their eyes.
Rogues.
I covered the picture, unsure of how I unconsciously painted it. I cleaned the brushes off and packed the rest of the things away. It was about one in the afternoon, I felt really sleepy so I got on the bed. I was going to take a nap
I laid in bed and closed my eyes, concentrating on my breathing so I wouldn't have to think about something else.
"Daddy, no! Please stop." I cried out as my father punched me in the ribs. He was holding me against the wall. He used one of his hands to grip me around my throat. He squeezed tightly every so often in an attempt to cut off my wind pipe, digging his finger nails into my flesh.
Tears escaped my eyes as I begged him to stop. I was only twelve, I didn't deserve this. His other fist connected with my ribcage again, I heard something snap as he connected a kick to my side.
Through the tears I saw his eyes, filled with nothing but hate, I could smell it on him.
He let go of my throat and I slid to the floor where he kicked me repeatedly saying, "you did this to us."
The searing pain I got from this beating made me cry out in agony. Begging him to stop, to go back to the way things were. I was slowly losing consciousness, at such a young age I craved death. I knew enough about it to know that it was better than this hell that I was living in. I bet hell was even better than this.
I dreamed that things would be different, that they would change. That this man who was connected to my soul, my father who created me, who nurtured me for six years would somehow come back. Like magic.
One day he was the father I loved, I still love him. He was my father. This man in front of me was different, like he had some sick twisted dissociative identity disorder, but instead of him switching back he stayed a monster.
"Sage?" I heard him call out. Why was he here? Was he witnessing what was going on? I cried even more. He couldn't be here. The pain intensified as my father picked me up and threw me against the kitchen counter. I cried out in pain again.
"Sage!" He called out again, I felt like the ground was shaking underneath me, I hoped it would suck me in.
"Daddy please no." I cried out again, as he stalked towards me, a murderous gleam in his eyes.
"please no." I said again, this time I was defeated. Enough begging and pleading.
Nothing was ever going to change.
As he took a knife from the counter to and kneeled down beside me.
"You are going to feel all the pain you have put me through." He whispered.
"Sage! Wake up!" He shouted, Alpha Carter.
I woke up with a shock, I was hot and sweating. The pain I felt in the dream still made my body ache. I pushed the hair away from my face. My eyes locked with Alpha Carters, his ocean blue eyes were darker than usual, they held such an intensity. I saw anger in them, maybe a little bit of remorse, and a lot help pity.
Pity?
For what?
"What's going on?" I asked shakily. I did not like the look in his eyes.
"You tell me. I caught a glimpse of your dream."
Dream. It was just a dream. His words made me panic, I was sure he heard my heart rate quickened, and my breathing deepen.
"I was just having a nightmare." I said
"In the day?" he questioned, he looked like he wasn't buying my story.
Before I could answer a wave of pain shot through my back. I tried to hole the scream in but I was unsuccessful. Alpha Carter acted quickly he moved closer to me, bring to his lap. My head rested on his shoulder, I breathed in his scent. It somehow calmed me down. But the pain was still there, I held it my cries through gritted teeth. He rubbed circled on my back. It helped, not enough for the pain to completely stop.
"We will talk later." He said eventually.
I knew the conversation wasn't over, this talk that we would have would be the perfect time to find out why his acting like a tool.