I didn't even get fully inside the front door. Heart racing, I turned right back around and stepped back onto the porch. My legs felt unsteady, like they weren't even mine. I didn't even realize Katie was right behind me until she shut the door and unlocked her car.
"Get in," she said anxiously, and I opened the passenger door and slipped inside without question.
Katie pushed the speed limit to the hospital, and I tried hard to steady my breathing, wondering how I could have been so carefree only an hour ago. Was Clare okay? What if something terribly wrong had happened, and I hadn't been there when—
I choked when I tried to swallow and, tears stinging my eyes, tried to focus on the road ahead. It was dark, though, and all I could see were the headlights of cars and masses of shadows.
Katie and I didn't speak. She had her hands clenched firmly around the wheel, her knuckles splotched with white. When we finally pulled up to the hospital, the car hadn't even come to a stop before I'd unbuckled my seatbelt and went to open the door.
Everything was a vague blur. I remembered Katie going up to the desk and telling them who I was; some nurse clothed entirely in white took me up an elevator. We walked along the hallway and I found myself swaying lightly on the spot—I wasn't even conscious about where I was walking.
I wanted to ask the nurse if my little sister was okay, but when I opened my mouth nothing came out. All I could do was lock my jaw and follow the nurse down several hallways and to a door.
When the door opened, I saw Clare lying on the bed, pale as a sheet, with even more machines than usual hooked up to her. A faint beeping was still echoing around the room, and I sighed with relief.
"She's doing okay," said the nurse—they were the first words I heard clearly. "We had a scare earlier and had to rush her into surgery. Her condition is still very unstable, though, so we're just going to have to wait and see."
I sat down on the chair near her bed, where I'd slept so many nights, and reached out for Clare's blanched hand. She almost looked as if she could be peacefully sleeping.
I'd sat there for hours and was just about to stand up to leave when, somewhere deep in my consciousness, I sensed that something was wrong. I'd barely reached a hand out to brush her cheek when the beeping on the machines intensified.
My mind went blurry again as the nurse's head shot up from her clipboard, and she hurried over to my sister. The beeping was now urgent and pleading, and just because my mother had died on the scene of her crash and hadn't had to go to the hospital didn't mean I wasn't aware of what that beeping signified.
I sat down on the chair, hard, slamming against the back of it. I was barely conscious of another nurse taking my elbow and leading me gently out of the room. When I was sat down onto the firm cushion of a hospital chair, I was so limp I hit my head on the wall behind me.
I couldn't hear anything going on in Clare's room. Nurses rushed in and out, looking urgent, clutching tools and clipboards. A few minutes later three or four of them rolled Clare down the hallway in her bed. One of her white hands was dangling limply over the side.
As much as I wanted to, I couldn't find it in me to cry, and I squeezed my eyes tightly shut, guarding myself from everything that was going on. A few moments later, a cool hand pressed against my shoulder.
"She's in surgery again," said the nurse quietly when I opened my eyes. "Her condition is critical. We're doing everything we can."
Numbly, I nodded. The nurse studied my sympathetically and then disappeared back into Clare's room. To make myself feel better, I imagined she was cleaning things up so that everything would be ready when my sister was hurried back inside for a speedy recovery.
When I checked the clock on the wall, I saw that it was past eleven at night. I wondered if Katie was still downstairs near the front desk or if she'd gone home.
Another half hour passed. I was dozing on and off in my chair when someone cleared her throat, and when I looked up I saw a solemn-looking nurse standing before me.
I leapt to my feet, unsteady, my heart racing. "Is she okay?" I demanded.
The nurse had dark circles under her eyes, but her voice was soothing. "She's still in surgery," she said. "We won't know anything until morning. You should probably go home and get some sleep, honey. Being exhausted isn't going to help your sister."
She was right. I took a few steps towards the direction of the elevator, my mind fuzzy from both my sleep and my worry, but my gaze was flicking towards Clare's room. I thought about my sister—how sweet and adventurous she was, how she had known what I'd done wrong before I'd even seen it myself.
When I had finally made my way down to the lobby, I saw Katie sitting in one of the chairs, half-asleep. Her eyelids flickered tiredly when I neared her and she sat up slowly.
"How's Clare?" she asked.
I shrugged, too run-down for words, and she wrapped her arm around my shoulders before leading me out into the parking lot. I wondered if it registered how heavily I leaned on her as she guided me home.
~*~*~
When I got back to my bedroom at Sara's, Maddie was already asleep. I collapsed on the bed beside her without bothering to change clothes and feel asleep instantly despite all of my worries. In the morning, I awoke still feeling exhausted, haunted by nightmares that had chased my thoughts all night.
I rolled over and checked my phone to see I had three texts. One was from Cameron, one from Ashley, and the other Katie.
Instantly, I opened Katie's text. Clare is back in her room. The surgery was successful, but she's still in a coma. Try not to worry about her, okay?
I knew she expected me to go to school and act like it was a normal day, but the last thing I wanted to do was wake up pretend like everything was okay. How could I go to prom this weekend when I knew my little sister's life was in danger?
Cameron's text asked me about my prom dress, and even though I knew he had no way of knowing what had happened with Clare, it still made me mad that he could still talk about such trivial things. I got dressed quickly, not even bothering to do anything to my hair except brush it, and left the house without breakfast.
Cameron's SUV was parked out on the curb, and I climbed into the passenger seat and sat my backpack at my feet without a word.
"You okay, Evelyn?" Cameron asked, his forehead wrinkled. "Did you get my text?"
"My prom dress is pink," I said with a clenched jaw, staring at the road in front of me and not blinking. "And it's also white."
I could see him frowning out of my peripheral vision, but he guided the car out on the main road anyway. "Are you sure you're all right?"
For some reason, I didn't feel like telling him everything that was going wrong with Clare. I just nodded, forcing myself not to speak and knowing I would cry if I even looked at him.
The drive was silent and tense. When we got to school, I opened my door and went to get out onto the grass, but someone grabbed my arms and pinned me against the car.
"Stop it, Cameron," I complained, trying to wrench myself out of his grip. A tear was already slipping out of my eye. "You're going to make me late for math."
He didn't let go, just tipped my chin up with one finger so that my face was tilted up to his. He studied me for a few seconds, his blue eyes intense, and then said, "Tell me what's wrong, Evelyn. Please. I want to help."
I choked over my breath. "You can't help," I said. "You can't come in and save the day, and you're never going to make any of this better. Stop trying, Cameron."
When I tried to push him away, his grip on me tightened, but I was too angry for it hurt. "Go away," I snapped.
I saw that other students leaving the parking lot were starting to look at us concernedly, but I didn't care. "Cameron Maddox," I hissed. "Get off of me and please, go away."
That was when I broke down, and before I knew it I'd buried my head in his chest and was sobbing.
He was clearly confused by the sudden change, but within a few seconds he'd wrapped his arms around me and was hugging me tightly. Neither of us said anything, and I knew I was staining his plaid button-down shirt with my tears but didn't even care.
I didn't know how long it was before I stopped crying, but it was long enough for the parking lot to clear out and the bell to ring. When my sobs finally reduced to sniffles, and I'd reached back into the car for my backpack, I saw that Cameron was standing a little ways away with his hands in his pockets.
"I'm sorry, Evelyn," he said as I shut the car down and swung my backpack over my shoulders. He carefully wiped away the mascara tracks running down my cheeks and then curled his arm around my waist. "I feel bad taking you to prom when you have so much else going on."
"I don't even think I want to go anymore," I said.
His shoulders slumped, but he said, "Then we won't go. It's fine, Evelyn. Whatever I can do to make you feel better, I'll do."
That made me feel even worse, and when we got inside I pulled away from him and hurried to pre-calc, wondering when my life had become so messed up.
While I was at school, Katie kept me up-to-date on Clare's status through texts. She spent her entire day outside of Clare's room, speaking to the nurses. I wondered when she'd become so interested in my little sister's wellbeing.
During lunch, I was slightly cheered up because Katie had texted me saying that Clare was reacting well to the surgery from the previous night. I was planning on visiting her after school, and a crazy part of me was hoping she would be awake by then.
My afternoon classes dragged as always. When I opened my locker at the end of the day to take out the books I needed for homework and saw the paper airplanes with the cute messages written on them, my heart sank a little. I wanted to go to prom, but at the same time, I knew I would never be able to enjoy myself the way Clare was.
"You all right, Caverly?"
I turned around and saw Cameron standing a little ways behind me, carrying his science textbook in one arm. I'd told him everything during lunch, which had gotten me crying again, and the rest of the day had gone around with puffy eyes and a splotchy face.
"I'm fine," I said, which was a lie, but I'd lied to everyone the entire day about my condition, so what was one more time? Then I turned back to my locker so that Cameron couldn't see my face, even though I could feel him staring at me, which was almost just as bad.
"When are you going to start telling me the truth, Evelyn?" he asked.
I didn't turn around. "I am telling you the truth."
"No, you're not. Don't you think I know you better than that?"
Finally, I turned to face him again, this time with my math textbook in one hand. Without looking at him, I slung my backpack over my shoulders and slammed my locker shut with my foot. "I'm going to visit Clare," I said. "Want to come with me?"
"If you want me to."
I pursed my lips. How could one person make so many sacrifices for someone else? That was when I knew I had to go to prom. It wouldn't be fair to make him give up so much for me and never pay him back. If it was something he wanted to do, then I had to follow through with it.
"Have you bought my corsage for the prom yet?" I asked as he fell into step beside me.
He turned towards me, his eyebrows raised. "I cancelled the order. I thought we weren't going to prom?"
I shrugged and took his hand in mine, and I could practically feel him smiling as we left the school building and headed towards his SUV. It wasn't that I'd forgotten about Clare—I could still feel the burden like an empty hole in my gut that would never leave. But I couldn't live in the dark forever. At some point I knew I'd have to learn to let in the light.
A/N: I am SO sorry for the lack of updates. I've been crazy busy. Thank you all so much for the continued reading and comments!