I lower myself onto the couch seated in a far corner in the Host Club, the noise sounding like miles away. I toss off my shoes and let them clatter to the ground below, tucking my knees and curling in on myself. A small yawn stretches across my face as my hands curl close to my cheeks. Tiredness washes over me and I allow the darkness to wrap around my conscious...
Soft droplets of water splashed across my cheeks and all around me. It was raining. I hold my hands out, confused. The water hits my skin, the sensation cold with iciness. It was dark around me, only the soft yellow glow from the street lamp an aid of light. The confusion I felt turns into panic; the emotion curling inside my stomach and creating a knot of anxiety.
My breathing begins to quicken, becoming shallower and faster. I knew where I was and I did not want to be here. I hug myself, seeking both warmth and comfort, but neither came. I was drenched and I knew only more horror was about to happen. As it always does.
A whimper escapes me as the world around me begins to mold into a scene- a scene from my past and the source of my pain and scars. Grass sprouts around me feet and covers the area around me, trees burst from the ground and creat shadows against the moonlight. The street lamp was gone. I was surrounded solely by the moonlight. A park bench pops into view, it's brown paint weather worn and ugly.
The panic increases.
I watch as a little girl, hair the color of moonlight with eyes the color of translucent silver, be led down the street- straight toward me- by a woman with beautiful raven hair and dark golden eyes, but the duo stops at the park bench.
The panic begins to eat away at me.
I knew what was about to happen. I'd seen it for the past couple years ever since it had happened: the moment I knew what it meant to be stabbed in the back and abandoned, left to die.
I watch as the younger me smiles innocently up at the woman, ever so trusting. She was supposed to be the woman who held my hand through life and watch me grow up to become a young woman. She was supposed to gossip with me about boys and about love. But, none of this would happen.
No. She would be the woman I would hate with my entire being and soul. She would be the reason I was able to tell if people were lying. She would be the woman who forever broke apart my family and created the people of the Saya family you saw today.
This demonic woman was my mother.
My lip curls in disgust whole my body betrays me and trembles uncontrollably. I watch as the little girl reaches for her mother's hand and entwines their fingers together, the smile of adoration still there. The woman did not smile back. Her dark golden eyes hidden in the shadows.
I remembered how I only wanted her to look at me: see me. It was only too late when I realized that my mother had seen me...and what she saw was worth her hatred. Worth her betrayal. That small desire I had held as a child would be the hit that would shatter my life and leave my world in pieces.
I didn't want to be here. Always in this nightmare I would only be a spectator. I couldn't lift a finger; couldn't change anything. I was reliving hell all over again.
The panic rises, swirling through my mind, wild and taunting.
"Please..." My voice croaks. "Don't let me watch this....please...I don't want to see this!"
My pleas were a waste of air. The nightmare continued on.
I saw the woman's lips finally tilt up into a smile, but unlike when I was little I knew this smile was not one of love. Tears swell inside my eyes as I see my younger self giggle with happiness at the sight of my mother's smile.
The woman's smile drops and she regards her daughter with cold eyes. "You weren't supposed to be born, my little moon."
My younger self continues to look up at her with fond eyes. I remembered thinking my mother wasn't in her right mind when she was talking to me that night. I had thought, "maybe she had gotten in a fight with father again and she was angry", but once again that wasn't the case.
"I'm sorry, mama. I'll be better, I can change to make you happy." The younger me exclaims, suddenly tugging on her mother's hand and bringing it to her chest.
The woman shook her head. "You can't change, my little moon. You've corrupted your brother- my dear son- with your witchery." She tsked. "No. Mama is right. You can't change."
From where I stood, just a couple feet away from the park bench and my past self and my mother, I could hear everything clearly and each word was another stab in my heart. The panic I had felt was turning again...turning into anger.
Why had this happened to me? I hadn't used witchcraft or anything of the sort on my brother, Will. We were twins, it's not a surprise that Will spent more time with me than he had her. How come she couldn't have seen this? Had her anger always been there? Had I known it was there, even at that young of an age, but just didn't want to see it?
All the questions inside my mind stopped to a slamming halt when my eyes take in the image of my mother sliding out a long, sharp knife from inside her jacket. No one was around. No one saw the horror that transpired that night- all except me, and later, I would learn Will had too.
My mother, one hand holding the knife, gently cupped my cheek with the other. Her golden eyes were glacial as she looked down upon the younger me. I wanted to close my eyes, stop myself from seeing what was about to happen all over again, but I couldn't. Watching this helped kept the anger burning inside of me. Helped me from forgiving the monstrous woman.
The younger me only had eyes for the woman, her mother, in front of her. Her eyes were blinded by the love she felt. I remember not knowing what happened. One moment I was being tenderly held by my mother and the next there was a searing pain in my back and I was on the cold ground, rain thundering around me and my mother no where in sight.
The woman lowers her hand from the little girl's cheek and wrapped that same arm around her back, pulling her close. The tears I'd been holding back tumble over and spill down my cheeks. Through the blurry vision created by my tears, I watch as the woman raised her other hand and swiftly brought her hand down.
The form of my younger self blinks, her eyes glazing over as her body goes into shock from the pain and her mind tries to understand what had just happened. I watch, in horror, as my mother twisted the knife and jerks the knife out of the little girl's back. Her eyes held no pity and there was no hesitation in her movements.
My mother wipes the blood on the knife on the ground beside the bench and once that act was finished and the blood was gone, she turned to the dying child on the bench. The woman shakes her head and positions the girl to by lying on her back. The stab sound continued to bleed freely, the blood dripping along with the rain onto the ground below.
The little girl's silver hair was no longer purely silver. Crimson red had begun to stain the beautiful color- taunting the moonlight colored tendrils.
I watch, standing and unable to do anything, as my mother folds the little girl's hands over her stomach before turning and walking away. Before she was fully turned, though, I caught a glimpse of a single tear racing down the woman's cheek and a flash of remorse in her golden eyes.
The last image I see before my vision turns black was the younger me closing her eyes and looking the perfect image of bloody innocence.
A silent scream claws at my throat as I bolt upright. Cold sweat pools at the base of my spine and I shudder in fear and from the cold. My breathing was ragged as I try to regain my senses. My eyes dart around the place and it took me a long time to realize that I was in the Host Club room. But, once I'd realized where I was, my breathing evens out and turns less ragged.
My hand rises to come to a rest above my racing heart, my fingers trembling. I felt my whole body quiver from the fear and panic and anger the nightmare had triggered within me.
Find Hikaru. A soft voice whispers inside my head. He won't hurt you.
I didn't think twice about judging the voice inside my head. I stumble off the couch and look around the room for Hikaru. It wasn't long until my eyes spotted his auburn hair. He was standing by the windows, not too far from me, with his back to the room. No one else was in the room, but I could hear the quiet chatter of the other Host members coming from the dressing rooms.
On unsteady legs, I walk over to Hikaru and slide my arms around his waist, pressing my face into his back. The cold leaves my body as his warmth engulfs me. I felt Hikaru start at the touch of someone, but his body relaxed when he turned his head and caught sight of me.
"Meg?" asked Hikaru, his voice soft.
The sound of his voice was enough to quiet the raw emotions from the nightmare that had remained. I hug him tighter, willing the tears away.
"Just let me stay like this for awhile, please?" My voice comes out in a plea, so weak and not its usual calming tone.
Hikaru doesn't respond, but he turns in my arms so my face was now resting against his chest and his arms could wrap around me. He tightens his hold when a quiver runs through my body.
"We can stay this way for however long you need me to," Hikaru whispers, pressing a kiss to my forehead. "We can stay here for a few seconds or for hours. I'm here no matter what."
Anger may consume my heart, but there was a new emotion joining the raging beat; an emotion I was pretty sure could be called love. And this love was because of Hikaru and the light he brought to the abyss of my world.