After traveling around, Dana had ended up in a small little town in far west Texas. It was a quirky little college town that was surprisingly liberal in its views. There were a lot of students who ended up staying because it was one of the few places that they had ever honestly felt accepted.
Here, Dana was just another college student. No one asked her about her past or wanted her to share her deepest secrets. She was accepted at face value, and she did her best to do the same for the people that she met.
She felt she was finally coming to terms with the fact that Quinn was no longer in her life. If she chose to think about it, which she generally didn't, she very seldom thought of her time with Marcus, which should have been much more devastating than her time with Quinn. Quinn was where the ache was. Perhaps it was because she had never really cared for Marcus.
Quinn, however, was never far from her thoughts, but she managed to hold his memory at bay a little bit longer each day. There had been many nights where she had cried herself to sleep, and her new roommate, Phoenix West, who was just as determined to forget his past as she was to forget hers, had to have heard her through their thin walls and said nothing. He would just have an extra-large cup of coffee waiting for her when she emerged red-eyed the next morning.
But she was ready for a change. She was caught up on her studies and had even managed to jump ahead a few semesters by doubling up on classes. Her advisors had told her she would overwhelm herself, but she found that the busier she was, the less time she had to think. Now, it was time to test the waters. It was spring break the following week, so she was going to relax, watch T.V, read books, and try to live a life that wasn't wholly packed from morning till night with tasks to complete. She was going to live like an average person who was getting a little easier to do every day.
Dana pulled her old beat up car in front of the library and quickly dropped off her books before picking out a few good murder mysteries to keep her company. It was her night to get dinner, and she had picked up a pizza, and she didn't want it to get cold, and It was almost closing time, but she just had time to get a few more books to read for the week.
Dana was sure that when she got home, Phoenix would be curled up on the sofa with Ace, and they would both be snoring away while some old black and white movie was playing in the background.
Phoenix had told her that morning that he was going to show her a movie that would change her life. Dana had her doubts, but part of Phoenix's charm was his deliberate exaggeration about everything.
As Dana stepped out of the library, she inhaled the sharp, crisp air. It was truly beautiful country, and most of it was untouched and pristine. The only other place she had felt so totally at peace was at the Ranch.
The drive back to their small rental house was a short one, and when she pulled up into the drive and didn't see any lights on so, she was a little concerned. Phoenix had texted her earlier to remind her that she was in charge of dinner so he should be there.
When she walked into the house, it was silent. She moved into the kitchen and turned on the light, and she almost jumped out of her skin when she saw Phoenix sitting at the kitchen table with his head in his hands.
"Phoenix? Are you alright?" Dana quickly set her things down and moved towards him. Ace was lying at his feet, his head on his paws, but when he saw her, he jumped up to greet her. He was her comfort, and it seemed Phoenix's too. Ace was a ragged old hound dog mix she had found on the side of the road, injured, just as Quinn had found her, and it seemed fitting that she pay it forward, so she took him in and gave him a home.
He groaned as he always did when she scratched him behind his ears. He was a sweet old thing, and it was apparent he was not long for this world, but she would make his last day's good ones.
Dana turned her attention back to Phoenix, putting her hand on his shoulder.
"I can't Dee; I just can't." Phoenix looked up at her with an expression of such anguish that it broke her heart.
Dana didn't know what to say; she didn't have a clue what he was talking about, so she started to make them both a cup of hot cocoa. They had found that it was their go-to drink when they were in need of comforting.
The only way she felt she could help was to be a solid presence so that he knew he wasn't alone.
"I was in love," he said it so softly that Dana barely heard him.
Dana, who had grabbed two mugs, set them down slowly not wanting to distract him. He needed to talk, and she didn't want him to have second thoughts. Turning to look at him, she saw a handsome young man who had a heart of gold. He had sandy brown hair, kind brown eyes, and a well-trimmed beard. He was tall and muscular, and she knew he worked out a lot because he was always trying to get her to join him.
She was not surprised that he had been in love, she had figured that there was someone else because he had only ever been interested in being her friend, even though they lived together. She knew this because she felt the same way. Perhaps that was why they had gotten along so well because they both had broken hearts and wanted nothing to do with the dating game.
"Dee, I'm gay." His direct gaze met hers.
"I'm divorced." It was all she could think to say.
He stared at her as if he had never seen her before.
"Sorry, I thought we were sharing about ourselves." She turned back to making the cocoa.
"You equate being gay with being divorced?"
"No, not necessarily, but it was the first thing that popped into my mind."
"It doesn't bother you?"
Dana turned to him with a sad smile. "Did you think it would?"
"Yes, I've told very few people." He leaned back in his chair, really looking at her, his gaze searching hers.
"You've never told your family?" She poured the hot water into the mugs with the mix and carried it over to the table.
Phoenix laughed at her question. "I come from a very old and rich family, and being anything but normal is not acceptable."
"Funny, in my experience the old and rich families are the ones that are anything but normal."
Phoenix grunted in agreement as he reached for his mug. "You sound like you know a thing or two about it."
"A thing or two, yes." She sat in her chair and pulled her feet up under her. "So what can't you do?" she asked, referring to his earlier comment that had started them on their current conversation.
"I can't see my family. I can't go through it all. The questions, why are you still single, when are you going to bring a nice girl home? I'm an honest guy by nature. I hate the idea of lying and pretending to be something I'm not."
"And you were able to be yourself with the man you loved, and being anything else seems to make what you had with him less." Dana nodded. She had spent many hours watching the sunsets from what she considered her hill behind the house, and it had given her time to sort out a lot of stuff. One of the conclusions she had come to was that she could never love another because it would be a lie. When compared to Quinn it would never really be love, and to pretend it was would only make it worse. It would be cheating on her heart.
"Yes." Phoenix looked at her in awe.
"I too have been in love."
"With your husband?"
"No, not with my husband."
Phoenix looked at her wanting more. It was obvious he was lost and was looking for answers. Just like she was.
"What happened to the man you loved?" she asked softly
"A car accident. We had just fought about my not being honest with my family and that..." his voice broke as he looked into his mug.
"He thought you were ashamed of him." Dana's heart broke for him. To know that the person you loved most died with that thought on their mind. What if had been Quinn, she shuddered at the idea of him not being alive and in the world. Even if he was not with her, he was somewhere living, breathing.
Phoenix started crying gut-wrenching sobs, and Dana couldn't sit by and let him feel alone.
"This conversation calls for quality couch time." She reached for his hand and pulled him out of his chair. Ace followed them and jumped in between them on the couch, and she shooed him down as she pulled an afghan over them and rested her head on his shoulder.
He cried for a while, and Dana just let him. "What happened with your love?" he asked much later.
"He didn't want me." She couldn't look at Phoenix, to admit that out loud hurt so much.
"Was he crazy? I mean I don't think like that, but if I did, I'm sure that you would be at the very top of my for keeps list."
Dana laughed realizing that she was crying too. "It isn't that simple." She reached for some tissues, and they both blew their noses and wiped their faces.
"So why do you have to see your family?" Dana asked, trying to steer the conversation away from her and back to the original subject.
"My parent's thirtieth wedding anniversary. My sister is throwing a huge party, and I have to go."
"Where are you from?"
"New York. I don't suppose you would-,"
"No, I wouldn't. I cannot go back to New York, too much history." She didn't even consider it.
Phoenix nodded, and Dana watched as he swallowed hard.
"I don't generally give advice, but I think I will this time."
Phoenix went to speak, and she held up her hand stopping him.
"I know what you are going to say. I, who am accepting of you just as you are, don't get why others wouldn't be. I do get it. I get that you don't want people to look at you differently or treat you differently." Dana took a deep breath then looked at him trying to convince herself to continue.
Phoenix just looked at her silently, patiently.
"I was forced into a marriage to a man who was twenty-five years older than me when I was only seventeen years old. It was-," she took a deep breath and looked down as Ace who looked up at her adoringly. "It was not a good marriage I was both physically and mentally abused by a man who saw me only as a piece of property."
Dana finally looked up at Phoenix to see tears streaming down his face again.
"Telling people my story makes them treat me differently, and not always in a good way, but the best relationships I have had in my life are with those people who know the truth. That's not always the case, but I will say that I have never had a good or meaningful relationship with anyone who didn't know the truth."
They were both silent for a while, thinking about their different situations.
"You know I can't go to New York with you, but you could if you're not ready to tell your family yet, mention that you met me and that we are living together. That wouldn't be a lie exactly."
Phoenix stilled and looked at her with hope. Dana sighed it is evident that nothing she said made a difference.
"You wouldn't mind?" He jumped up and started pacing.
"No, it shouldn't affect me since your family never comes here to visit you. You always seem to go to them."
Phoenix nodded the wheels in his mind turning. Dana reached down and picked up their mugs. The crisis was over. "There's Pizza in the kitchen."
"Dee."
Dana turned to look at him.
"I do appreciate what you said." He walked towards her and gave her a big bear hug.
"Is that why he didn't want you? Because of your past?"
Dana couldn't help but flinch at his words. To hear someone else say them was agony.
"In a roundabout way. It wasn't the abuse or the fact of it. It was what it caused." She smiled and moved towards the kitchen. "I don't know about you, but I'm starved."
After dinner, Dana begged off the movie and decided to take a walk. She went to her hill and sat absorbing the silence around her losing herself in the stars which were so bright.
Phoenix said he would be leaving tomorrow afternoon after his last class. She had hoped that by sharing her past with him, it would make him open up to the possibility of telling his family everything. Perhaps she shouldn't have made the offer that she had. It really didn't affect her at all she would be hundreds of miles away from the whole situation.
Not for the first time Dana wondered what it would have been like if she had met Quinn when she was seventeen before she had married Marcus. Her father probably would have been pleased with the match, and her life would have turned out much differently. Quinn might be with her now; they might be married with a couple of blond headed babies.
He might have been hers then.