For some reason, every time I think about going to the gym, Nicki Minaj's "Anaconda" comes to mind. I wanted to link the music video here, but then I remembered that it isn't exactly PG-13, and appropriate to a younger audience. But if you're into twerking bubble-butts and animal prints, then by all means, go to YouTube and search it up.
So, people go to the gym for one of two reasons, best illustrated by quotes from two very different people:
a) "I go to the gym because I want a body like Kim Kardashian's."
b) "I go to the gym because Dr. Shapani said that if I don't lose weight soon, I may die of a heart attack."
If you didn't quite get the innuendo, I'll explain what I mean.
In the first scenario, it's clear that the speaker is insecure about their body. Otherwise, why would they go to such lengths to get a Kardashian body? It would be much easier—and less expensive—to do other things with your time, like crocheting or stalking your ex's new girlfriend's Facebook. But because the media constantly bombards us with images of the "perfect body", unattainable in the physical realm, many of us spend our entire lives striving to reach this impossible standard of beauty.
This means going to the gym every day, buying protein shakes that taste like shit, and even resorting to plastic surgery. Society has taught us that anything other than perfection is bad, and, unfortunately, us mere mortals are anything but perfect. We are the most imperfect beings in existence; there are cats that look better than us. Personally, I find myself falling into this category—I wish I had Beyoncé's body. That's why I go to the gym!
The second scenario is health-related and has nothing to do with society's warped perception of beauty. Some people can be overweight and be perfectly healthy, whilst others, not so much. Weight becomes a problem when it starts to affect your way of life—that's why some decide to hit the gym. There are other health reasons that might prompt someone into joining (postural problems, rehabilitation of some sort, etc.) and these fall in this scenario as well.
Moving on, I've joined the gym ever since I've stopped playing sports on a regular basis. I prefer having a summer bod all year round (yes, even during Yeti season), and as many other teenage girls out there, I'm insecure as fuck about my default settings, and upgrade regularly through the addition of new weights, exercises, etc.
"But today's rant isn't about me," I tell you as I lift my backpack into a gym locker—it always has to be in the section in front of the blue doors (the ones that lead to the bathrooms/showers/kids changeroom) because I have the memory of a goldfish and would otherwise have to write it down.
"Who, then?" You snap the lock shut and swing your towel around your neck. I do the same and turn towards you, an evil glint in my eye.
"Them," I say, nodding my head towards the corridor. You look at me for a moment, confused and startled, but then your mouth forms an 'o' as it starts to dawn on you.
"Them..." you repeat with uncertainty—at this point I'm unsure about whether you actually understood who I was referring to, you're playing dumb, or are actually just clueless.
"Whatever." I roll my eyes and after taking a swig from my water bottle, I start making my way to the exit. There's no point in dilly-dallying; you'll find out what I mean, soon enough. Two flights of stairs later—and ten minutes of me complaining about the puddles left behind by the swimmers—we're on the cyclettes and pedalling as if we're getting chased by a crazed sasquatch.
I've chosen this complicated piece of machinery because of its strategic location—it's positioned in a place where I can survey the realm of the gym rats, without being creepy. After all, it's normal for me to avert my gaze every once in a while to that hot stud working the dumbbells. I'm only human.
"So—are you—going to...tell me—about them?" You sputter between breaths, your face redder than a baboon's butt.
"Of course." And I will tell you, my fellow readers, as well.
There are many different types of people at the gym, and I think they deserve a list of their own.
1. The "Are you almost done" person.
I've decided to put this one first because it's the one that annoys me THE MOST out of all of them. This is the guy that will wait until you've literally just SAT DOWN and placed your water bottle beside the machine to ask, "Are you almost done?" I've already said that this annoys me, but I don't think "annoyance" really describes the way I feel. Not only does it really break my concentration, but it also makes me want to rip their fucking head off. Why? Because they can't make the short trip to the EXACT SAME machine on the other side of the room. They prefer bothering me instead—I mostly end up either taking my time finishing up the set, or just quitting halfway. I hate feeling rushed.
2. The "Let's talk about how ugly Sally's dress at last week's book club was" person.
These people seem to congregate in the afternoon/evening, where most of them get out of work and have to catch up with their gym pals. There's nothing more annoying than when you have to get to a machine and you have a group of these people blocking the entire pathway, talking about stuff you don't even give a crap about. Honestly, there's a coffee shop RIGHT NEXT DOOR, spare your boring spiels until after.
3. The "I'm going to practice my mating call" guy.
I'm sorry, but I've only ever seen guys do this. Namely, one guy in particular. Every time he lifts a heavy weight, he has to let out this massive groan that sounds something like, "URGGHHHHHHHHHH", and when he's done with his set, he smashes the weights onto the ground and lets out a howl that would put King Kong to shame. They also make comments such as "YEAH, that's what I'M talking about!" or "Woohoo!" and it makes me want to turn up the music in my earbuds until I go deaf. It's honestly so embarrassing to be in the presence of people like that, it's a feat not to laugh right in their face. Like, how much attention do you need? If you want to behave like a gorilla in heat, please make your way to the nearest zoo asap.
4. The "I haven't washed in ten days" person.
Ugh, this one is particularly nasty. I don't know whether it has something to do with the fact that these people sweat a lot, or they haven't washed their clothes within the last century, but it's honestly disgusting. They leave their scent behind wherever they go and it really just makes you want to either jump out the window for fresh air or just implode. Seriously, you know it's bad when you can smell yourself.
5. The "Imma horde these machines for the next hour" person.
This is super annoying! It's like the person opposite to #1—there is only so much time you can spend on each machine, and you have to give a chance to everyone! Most of the time these people spend ages because they're either napping on it or texting half of their contacts list. Seriously, there is a LIMITED amount of machinery in the gym and if all of them are occupied because you're wasting OTHER people's times by doing something completely unrelated to the use of the machine, please get the fuck off and take a seat on that bench over there.
6. The lurker.
Me right now, but that's beyond the point. This usually consists of some 40+ old man who probably hasn't seen other human beings in a while, hence spends most of his time staring at others. It's extremely uncomfortable, and whenever this happens, I make my way as fast as I can to a different room. I've watched enough documentaries on serial killers to avoid this one.
7. The "Let me give you some unwanted advice" person.
The only advice I'll listen to is the one coming from the trainer. He's being paid to dish out advice, and I'd much rather listen to whatever he has to say than some random dude in the gym. Why don't you worry about your own exercises rather than come and bother me? They usually don't even have good intentions when they do it—it's more of a way of mocking you and being condescending. They're basically saying, "Hey, you're doing it wrong you idiot, let me show you how it's done!" even though I never asked for their advice. One thing is helping me work a new machine, another thing is mocking the way I'm doing the excercise—yes, I know what I'm doing, the trainer said so himself.
8. The random 10-year-old kid that shouldn't even be there.
This isn't exactly a gym regular, but this one time, I've seen this kid just hang around in the gym. Literally. This kid was swinging on the ropes, climbing up stuff, and just being a mess in general. The entire time I was wondering, who is this kid's parent? He's not even allowed to be in here (unsupervised, of course, but what the hell is a ten-year-old during in the gym DURING A WEEKDAY? Shouldn't that little whippersnapper be at school, getting an education?) and the entire time, I was just anxious for his safety. Smol bean, get down from there! No, don't swing from that! No!!!
At the same time, it was good snapchat material, so at least I got something out of that traumatic experience.
9. The "Let's show everyone how much of a gym rat I am" person.
Okay, bro, sis, I know that you have a nice bod and everything, I know that it looks like it was sculpted by Michelangelo, but you don't have to go around flexing and acting like a vain peacock. Love yourself, truly, but it gets on my nerves when I see a chick flipping her hair and checking out her ass in the mirror every couple of seconds, or if a guy has to go around and show off his muscles to his brofriend. I've seen tons of people with amazing bodies (myself included, wink wink) that DO NOT go around showing themselves off. There's competitions for that—Miss Universe, Mr. Universe...there you can oil yourself up and be as dirty as you want. People will praise you for that, not give you the evil eye.
10. The "My mom still wipes my ass so I don't have to" person.
This will be the last one on the list (for now). This is the person that never cleans up after they're finished with a machine. They leave the dumbbells on the floor, put them in the wrong order, piss themselves then ask the trainer to help them clean up...they're honestly a mess. If you're not mature enough to put the damn weights back in their place, then you shouldn't be in the gym. That's where grown-ups go.
I jab the big red "stop" button, my heart beating at a million miles per hour, and stop pedalling. The green numbers tell me that I have done a good warm-up today—better than yours, for sure. You had been so engrossed by what I was saying, that you stopped halfway to just listen to me instead. I have pedalled a greater distance and zapped the most calories, so ha, the joke's on you.
We climb off simultaneously and begin gravitating towards the rest of the machinery—we have a long two hours ahead of us, and I want to finish as soon as possible.
"Are we getting burgers after?" you ask, and my head snaps towards in your direction. Did you just read my mind? Impossible!
"Hell, fucking, yeah."
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Is there something that you're itching to complain about, but have the good sense not to do so on a public forum? I can do it for you! Feel free to PM me with the topic you want me to rant about, and I won't think twice before adding it here. I'll be waiting!