Crap. Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap. How the hell did I end up here!?
The hospital reeked of death; it's safe to say this didn't give me the utmost comfort as I walked down the white halls to her room. Guilt overpowered me. I could try to blame Danny. Blame Danny for getting us into this mad situation, but she wouldn't care. She loved him. Me on the other hand she could get rid of with a blink of an eye. It's not like we see each other much anymore anyway, it wouldn't be hard for her to adjust to.
She trusted me. She trusted me more than anyone else in the whole world. I trusted her too; I told her all my secrets. Apart from one.
She'd have told me right from the start; wouldn't have even crossed her mind not to. Me on the other hand? I'm the disgusting bitch who never said a thing and tried to deal with it myself, behind her back.
I'm going to kill Danny. I'm serious, I'm going to physically murder him as soon as I see him. It was his fault all of this, his fault.
Yeah, you just keep telling yourself that Jess; keep telling yourself that you couldn't help it, that he compelled you or whatever – you know you're never going to believe it.
I'm walking faster now, my feet pulling me towards her. I need to find her. I need to tell her that I'm sorry; that I don't know what's going to happen in this hospital but that from the bottom of my heart I'm sorry. But am I though? If I could go back now would I change it? I'd change one thing for sure – I'd have told her, straight from the beginning.
And there he is; standing in a crowded hospital room – looking like he's just dropped out of heaven even with that worried look on his face. He's seen me, I can tell by the broad smile dancing across his face, and suddenly everything's better.
'Danny', I murmur as I wrap my arms around him.
He hugs me back tight, but it seems like more of a force of habit than an actual loving gesture. 'How is she? Is she doing okay?' He asks as he draws himself away from me.
'I'm not sure they won't let me see her yet. Danny, I'm so scared. It was my fault if we hadn't – ' I paused. 'This never should have happened.'
'No it shouldn't.' But as he spoke I wasn't hearing the apologetic tone in his voice that I was expecting. I thought we'd both be feeling so sorry for what had happened that we could share in it together. But he didn't sound sorry at all he sounded, angry.
'Why do you say it like that? Do you blame me?'
'Are you kidding me?' His voice was raised and his jaw clenched. Okay he was definitely angry now. 'She wouldn't be in hospital if it wasn't for you.'
'What?' I was astounded. 'But it was both of us, it takes two people to cheat. I can't believe your blaming me for this.'
'It takes two people to cheat does it? Well you would know. I guess it took both you and Matthew to cheat on me didn't it.' Is this what he's mad about?
'He kissed me Danny, I didn't want it. I love you, I don't want Matthew.'
'Really? Then why do you seem intent to destroy our relationship?'
I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes, for the umpteenth time today. 'I'm not trying to destroy it. What do you mean?'
'Did you really have to tell Amy about us? We'd agreed never to tell her, she never should have known.'
'I didn't tell her. You were there I was – '
'You were telling Felicity yeah.' He interrupted me. 'What is it with the two of you Jess? It's like this constant competition with each other and for what? It was so embarrassing, you standing there going on about winning. Winning? Like I'm some prize? I'm your boyfriend Jess, you won, okay? No need to go on and on about it in front of Felicity. If you knew she liked me then have some freaking discretion, God. If you hadn't been so willing to show off then we wouldn't be here right now. We would be celebrating the end of term together and I'd probably be making out with you rather than being just so freaking pissed off that I can barely look at you.'
'Why are you saying this? Why are you defending Felicity? Do you like her? Is that why you kissed her?'
'Jesus Christ! You never stop, do you? If I liked Felicity then I would be with her. How is it so hard for you to understand that?'
'Sorry I just – ' I stuttered. I'd never seen Danny this mad before. Did he not realise that I was upset too? I didn't want to be here anymore than he did. 'Please don't be mad at me?' I whispered slowly, afraid for him to answer me. He didn't talk though. He just looked down.
'I don't know if I can do this anymore.' My heart dropped.
'What? What do you mean?' My voice was shaky, I was waiting for my tears to fall but they never came. I was in shock.
'I think we should break up.' He didn't even look at me as he spoke. Coward. 'This is all just way too complicated. We're hurting everyone around us. Amy, Felicity, Matthew. It's not fair. This relationship it's – it's toxic, Jess. We need to think of someone other than ourselves for a change.'
I didn't even know what to say. The silence was broken by a nurse coming out of Amy's room. 'Jess?'
I looked up, words failed me but I somehow managed to nod to her.
'Your friend, Amy, is doing okay. She's awake but she hit her head pretty hard so we're going to keep her in for the night. But I wouldn't worry about her, she's going to be fine. It's a good job you were so responsive and got her to hospital straight away. Now,' she looked down at her pad. 'Despite our best advice, she's said she wants to talk to you. But please remember that she's still frail and has suffered significant head trauma so don't be surprised if she's somewhat frenzied. If you want to come with me.' She motioned towards the door of the room. I took one last look back at Danny but he eye line was still focused straight down towards the floor. Great.
I followed the nurse into Amy's room. As I walked in, Zac passed me on the way out. He didn't look at me either. I felt like Medusa. Amy looked okay, but slightly dazed. And majorly pissed off, which I guess was understandable. She opened her mouth but I spoke first, finally finding my lost voice. 'Amy I just want to apologise. I can understand if you never want to talk to me again. I'm done making excuses. I'm done putting myself first all the time. You were my best friend and I messed up. Majorly. Just know that I really did love him. I don't know if that makes you feel any better but it's true. It wasn't just a spur of the moment thing. All this time I think I've been telling myself that we did it because we were just in a bad place, and we were there for each other. But I've just realised something. I love him now, and I loved him before. I think I've always love him really, and I always will. Even if he doesn't love me back anymore. But I still shouldn't have done it. I knew it would hurt you but I did it anyway. I was selfish. And it did hurt you,' I paused before adding, 'in more ways than one,' gesturing to her hospital bed. 'I'm sorry Ams. I'm so, so, so sorry. No matter how much I loved him, I've always loved you more. I was stupid to forget that.'
Silence filled the room. I don't think Amy quite knew what to say, her head injury probably added to her confusion and daze. 'Thanks for apologising.' She finally said. 'What did Danny say?'
'Um.' I struggled to even say it out loud. 'He wants to break up with me. He thinks we're toxic, that we need to think of those around us rather than just ourselves for a change.'
'He's got a point.' She said, with a slight laugh in her tone. But I'm pretty sure she wasn't joking. 'I'll talk to you soon. Thanks for getting me to hospital.' Was that my cue to leave? Sure sounded like it.
'You're welcome.' I said, turning towards the door before adding. 'I'm so sorry.'
I walked out the room and all I wanted to see was Danny. All I wanted to do was hug him and kiss him and feel better. But he wasn't there.
I was on my own.
/ / / / / / / / /
Yep. It's a sad one. Which can only really mean one thing - this book is coming to a close. There's only one more part left of Only Fools... and I hope to have it posted as soon as possible.
PLEASE keep leaving your feedback in the comments, it is going to make it so much easier when I start to go back and edit this next week!
Also, I have been absolutely blown away by the response lately. We've hit 1k votes and now have over 31k reads which is more than I ever thought I would be able to achieve. And it actually kind of blows my mind. So thank-you, all of you, for going along this rocky journey with me.
And I hope you enjoy the final part! <3
~LunaCresta x x x