If that night taught me anything, it was that I had no idea what love really was.
While our relationship had certainly developed in one direction, it seemed to stay very much the same in many other ways. We spent the next month in a haze of studying, goofing off, narrowly avoiding trouble, and all of the other stuff we usually did with Rick. The occurrence in front of the fire on Christmas seemed to be a once-in-a-lifetime experience by late February, as nothing even remotely similar happened between us since then, not even a kiss. Rick seemed to sense something was amiss and though he didn't force me to talk about it, he did his best to keep the three of us busy enough with our typical ill-conceived activities to keep my mind off it.
It was a Friday evening a few days before March when Nova called Rick and I over to her house and demanded that we help her with some sort of project. I waited until I heard Rick's truck pull up on the street outside to step into the dry late-winter cold and meet him on the sidewalk outside of Nova's place. He looked incredibly annoyed when I approached him, barely waiting for me to catch up before beginning his rant about Nova's "lack of boundaries" and how "demanding" she could be. Though I couldn't help but agree with him (especially with the boundaries thing), Rick wasn't usually one to get so upset over something like that.
"What's got you all twisted up?" I asked as we hiked up the driveway to the front door.
"I was in the middle of something important," he grumbled. His cheeks were flushed and our breath hung in the air for several seconds before dissipating.
We had hardly even knocked once when Nova yanked open the door and dragged us--quite literally--straight to her room. She slammed the door a little too hard and began pacing in front of us, talking fast enough to involve some very wild hand gestures into her very sudden and violent explanation.
"So, unless you actually pay attention--which I know you don't--you wouldn't be aware of the fact that I bit the bullet and signed up for a photography class this semester. I mean, why the hell not? I've got the equipment and after forcing Puck to get back into writing, I decided I should probably throw myself out there so I'm not a complete ass, right? So the teacher, Ms. Carpenter, assigned us all our projects at the beginning of the semester so we had plenty of time to plan them out. Sounds like a nice thing to do, right?"
"Sure," Rick said with shrug. I just sat there wondering how any of it involved Rick and I, and trying to avoid remembering what had taken place only just a few hours after the last time I had been in Nova's room.
"Wrong!" Nova cried, throwing her hands up into the air. "I've been so swamped in all my other classes that I completely forgot that we've got an assignment due on Monday worth twenty-five percent of my grade! Do you have any idea what this'll do to my grades if I don't do a decent job? I'm totally fucked!"
"Alright, calm the hell down," Rick said, looking at me for help.
I just looked at him blankly, considering to myself possible reasons why Nova had been yet again pretending nothing had happened between us. I was finding myself wondering things like this whenever I saw her now, and it's wasn't doing anything for my already-short attention span. Rick rolled his eyes at me and turned back to Nova. \
"What's the project, and how do you want us to help?"
"I have to show what love means to me in one photo with only one paragraph to explain! I mean, could this project be any more impossible to bullshit?" My ears perked up at the mention of love.
"How about I just take a picture of you two gettin' it on or something?" Rick said it with such a straight face that I was afraid he was serious for a second. Nova hit him square in the face with an empty can of Code Red from the other side of her bedroom.
"Not helping, Rick!" She only paused for half a moment before continuing, "besides, that's sex, not love!"
I felt my heart drop like a stone and I suddenly wished I were anyplace but here.
Nova must have seen my face, because she stopped and looked at me apologetically, but she didn't correct herself.
That was it; that's all it had meant to her.
It was sex, not love.
I suddenly felt...
Used.
Fooled.
Betrayed.
I clenched my jaw and tried to power through it, determined not to show how much it hurt.
"Can't you just use one of these old pictures?" Rick gestured all around him to the piles and piles of photographs.
"Don't you think I thought of that?" Nova picked up a stack and flung it across the bed, spreading pictures in every direction. She was on the verge of a true frenzy now. "I've already looked through every single picture I've ever printed, and nothing here represents love!"
"So... what does love actually mean to you?"
Rick and Nova turned to look at me.
My voice was strained and I couldn't stop fidgeting with the sleeves of my sweatshirt. I really felt pathetic, torn up inside, listening to Nova whine about her project after blowing off a problem that was of far more importance to me.
To us.
"There's always been an 'us'."
It was something that should have been of far more importance to her. Something that, apparently, she didn't care about at all.
"Are you okay, Puck?" Rick looked concerned. Nova had on an expression halfway between guilt and shame. I tried to control myself, but the emotions were coming too quickly to process.
"Maybe just take a picture of some snow on the sidewalk, Nova. You know, 'cause it's cool when it's new but that doesn't last long, does it? Isn't that love?" I refused to look at Nova, but I could feel her eyes burning into the side of my face.
"Um, I'm just going to step outside," Rick stood up looking horribly uncomfortable.
"Don't bother," I said, starting for the door. "I'll leave for you."
"God-fucking-dammit, no!"
To my surprise, Rick grabbed me by the front of the jacket and put me back down on the bed. He had at least twenty pounds on me and it wasn't even worth resisting. He grabbed Nova by the sleeve and dragged her down next to me. We avoided each other's eyes. Rick stepped back and surveyed us, face twisting into a scowl.
"Look, I know you two live in your own separate fucking little world, but I'm about damn tired of it! You know, it affects the rest of us when the two of you go off and do whatever it is you do! Nova, you rip Puck's heart out all the time for some reason. Puck, you mope about it for weeks afterward without talking about it! You two need to solve your shit and get the fuck over it, because I'm not doing this anymore, okay?"
Rick stomped over to the door and gave us a massive death-glare. "Don't even think about leaving this room until you're done. I'll be in my truck."
With that, he slammed the door and stormed down the hallway.
As far as awkward silences go, this one could have won a world record for "most stifling."
I crossed my arms and scooted a few inches further away, staring at the wall. Nova cleared her throat and shifted a couple times.
This went on for almost ten of the most excruciating minutes of my life.
"So, um, Rick seemed kind of mad." Nova said finally. Her voice was small, vulnerable. I felt a twitch in my heart and I clenched my fists, determined to ignore it. "Are you mad too?"
What a million-dollar question.
I grunted, closing my eyes tight and wishing myself somewhere else on the planet.
"Of course you're mad," Nova said slowly. "And I don't blame you for that, 'cause, you know, it's pretty much my fault."
I finally turned toward her so she could see me nod that, yes, it was completely her fault; instead, I saw the pain in her eyes. It was like black ice had frozen the ocean in her gaze and shattered all of its joy. I dropped my arms slowly down to my sides and tried to swallow, but my mouth was like cotton.
"Look, I can't ignore what happened on Christmas." Nova said, trying to maintain eye contact. "It was... right. Wonderful. At least, it was for me. I know what I said that night, right before... you know."
"Right before we fucked, right?" I said, unable to keep the bitterness out of my voice. "Because it's just sex, not love, right?"
"I didn't say that!" she exclaimed. "I mean, I know I just said it, but that's different!"
"How?" I asked, turning all the way around to face her.
"You know; this isn't the first time. When you kissed me at the creek when we were twelve? You pretended it never happened. When you kissed me in Rick's truck? Same thing. On the couch? Yeah, same thing. And now this... I can't keep doing this, Nova!" I was pleading with her now, pleading for my own sanity. She was like the Hind of Greek lore, so close and yet impossible to capture. I was going to drive myself off a mental cliff chasing her and we were damn near teetering on the edge.
"Why? Why, why would you do this to me?"
Nova was silent for a little bit and I watched the tears begin to well in her eyes. She fought it though, and fought it hard. "You know the answer, Puck. I haven't told you, but you know why."
"I really, really don't" I said, feeling defeated and exhausted. "Did you lie to me? When you said... that you loved me?"
"Of course not!" Nova didn't hesitate at all.
"Then why is it so hard to act like it?"
"How am I supposed to know how to act like I love you?"
The question was genuine and honest. It stopped me in my tracks.
"I... I don't know." I stammered.
"Look, Puck, not everyone can love each other the same." Nova sighed. "What... what were your mom and dad like when they were together?"
I felt a wrenching deep in my gut. "Do we have to--"
"Yes. Yes, we do. If we're going to get past this, we have to talk about all of it."
I took a deep breath, resting my elbows on my knees and letting my head drop. It took me quite some time to finally work up the courage to begin speaking.
"I remember them always being together. They would put me to bed early on some nights and just sit in the living room with a book apiece and just sit there for a while in total silence, as close as possible while each in their own world." It was painful to remember, like dragging my heart through broken glass, but I gritted my teeth and continued anyway. "My mom always kissed my dad when he got home from work, and my dad would sometimes give her these foot massages when they thought I was in bed. Nothing... awkward, just sweet, you know? They were adorable, I think, as far as couples go."
Nova smiled at me and patted my shoulder gently. "That's love to you, Puck, isn't it?"
I nodded, not trusting my voice.
"My turn, then." Nova scooted back against the headboard and swept her auburn hair over her shoulder, pulling her knees up to her chest and looking up at the ceiling. I couldn't help but marvel at how incredibly beautiful she was, no matter how badly she messed up my heart.
"So, I never got to see how my parents were around each other, really, but I do remember how my dad was around me. My dad would sometimes wake up early in the morning, hung-over as hell, and pack me a little lunch to take to school. When he didn't have money for booze, he would take me down to the riverside park in St. Louis and we would feed the ducks stale crackers and bread he would find in the trash cans. Before he lost his driver's license, he would take me out in the rain in his ancient old Honda and we would drive on the interstate with all the windows rolled down until we were soaked. When the hurricanes down south would push storm-heads our way he'd borrow a leaky old rowboat from one of his friends and take me out on the river miles out of town so we could watch the lightening roll in and feel the thunder shake boat. He wasn't good at affection, but he must have known that I'd be counting my crazy moments instead of my hugs and kisses."
She looked down at me, lips pursed, with those watery blue eyes. her makeup had started to run a little at the corners and I wanted to reach over and brush it away.
"I'm sorry I can't count love in hugs and kisses like everyone else," she said, struggling to keep her voice from wavering. "Every moment we have together, even if we're not alone, counts to me. Every time you smirk at me when Elbright makes a sex joke in class. Every time we go down to the creek and drink our sorrows into oblivion together. Every late night, every long car ride, every loud song. Yes, I love you Puck, more than anything, it's just not the love you're used to... my love isn't hearts and roses, it's not cheesy movies, and it's not even fireworks on the Fourth of July. I guess my love is a fucking explosion on a moonless night!"
We sat in silence for a little while and I watched two fat tears escape from the corners of Nova's eyes and plop down onto her lap. I didn't know what to think about that.
I let my hand drop onto the bed.
After a few seconds, her hand found mine and our fingers tangled in each other. I could smell cherries and I took a deep breath, letting just a little bit of peace wash over me for the first time in months. Of course nobody's love was the same; it was naive of me to think that I was the only one who knew how to love. I tried to whisper an apology, but Nova a put a finger to my lips and leaned against me, perfectly content to bury the mistakes right where they lay.
"Are you afraid, Puck?"
I looked over at her and tried to read her thoughts. It was impossible. "Afraid of what?"
"Love."
"How can you be afraid of love?" I asked.
"When someone you love leaves you, you can easily become afraid of love."
I looked at her for a long time, just soaking in the truth of what she just said. "Yeah, maybe. I... I'm afraid... I'm afraid of love."
"I'm glad I'm not the only one." She wiped a single tear out of the corner of her eye on my sweatshirt.
"That's kinda fucked up."
"So are you and I."
Sometime later, Rick knocked on the door softly and asked if we were alright.
"You can come in," Nova called. She leaned up and kissed me on the cheek before getting up off the bed.
"Does everyone have their clothes on?" Rick came through the door with a hand over his eyes and walked straight into Nova's dresser with a string of curses. "Is everything sorted out?"
"For the most part." I got up off the bed and sort of awkwardly touched him on the arm, not sure if I should be going for a handshake or something. "Uh, thanks for making us do that, I guess."
"Anytime. Being an asshole is a specialty of mine." Rick grinned. "So, what are we going to do about the photography project, now?"
"Actually," I said, scratching my head and thinking back to something Nova had just said to me. "I think I have an idea."
It took us a trip to the local grocery store and an hour and a half sorting through junk at Dale's scrap yard to find the items we needed to take the perfect picture. Nova gathered her camera and some old blankets and put the latter in the back of Rick's truck. We set everything up and then covered it all up with more blankets--we didn't need any extra attention on our way out of town. Darkness had already fallen by the time we piled into the cab, Nova in the middle, and began searching for a secluded section of paved highway.
"Just so you know, just because I'm helping doesn't mean I think it's a good idea," Rick said as we turned onto the main road. The excitement was palpable. What we were about to do was going to be highly dangerous, pretty illegal, and one hundred percent unforgettable.
"You've got film, right?" I reached for Nova's backpack for the tenth time to make sure. "We've only got one shot at this, and if we screw it up there's no fixing it!"
"Calm down Puck, it'll be fine." Nova grabbed my hand and held it in hers for a few minutes while Rick tried to find a suitable stretch. It hadn't snowed in a week or so, so the road was just dry enough for the crazy scheme to work. Nova stopped him about three miles outside town and we pulled over to the side of the road, abuzz with anticipation.
"Hey, don't do any stupid stuff back there," Rick warned. "I mean, we're friends and all, but it's my ass on the line if anyone dies."
"Oh, calm down." Nova smiled her smile and leaned over and gave Rick a peck on the cheek. "That's for being a good sport." Nova and I donned our jackets, she her red plaid and me my leather, and climbed out into the cold. We got up in the bed of the truck and I uncovered our loot with a flourish.
Swiping the shopping cart from the supermarket hadn't been as easy as we had expected. Rick ended up faking a bad fall on some ice in the parking lot to busy the staff enough for Nova and I to abscond with the battered old thing. The scrap had been much easier. For just five bucks, Pete let us box up everything that fit our description: forks, spoons, knives, nut, bolts, cans, anything relatively small and made of metal. We then proceeded to fill the shopping cart full to the brim with metal bits in preparation for the most epic photo in history.
"You ready?"
"I think so."
"Will you hang onto me when I snap it? I'll need both hands."
"Of course."
"Let's go!" Nova knocked on the top of the cab and Rick rolled back onto the highway at an easy pace. The cold air began whipping past my face, making my eyes water. Nova's hair had come to life, flying all about like it had a mind of its own, free and wild. The dashed lines on the road were coming at us faster and faster I leaned down to the back window and could see over Rick's shoulder that we were going about sixty. Nova was screaming and laughing at the top of her lungs, hands in the air and camera draped around her neck.
I gripped the handle of the shopping cart a little tighter as we neared seventy-five. Nova kept urging Rick faster, who was screaming obscenities out the window at us but obeyed anyway, pushing the gas pedal to the floor.
At almost ninety I began to panic a little bit. Nova grabbed my hand, signaling that it was time. I turned to her smiling face, her bright eyes, and her wind and cold flushed cheeks and suddenly I felt free, as if my soul had been removed from my body.
We weren't crazy teenagers trying to snap an insane picture for class. We weren't' even human.
We were two spirits floating in the infinity that was night, connected by nothing but the wind and the stars. The adrenaline coursed through me and without hesitating, I grabbed the cart in both hands and flipped it up and over the tailgate as hard as I could.
It all happened in slow motion: I grabbed Nova's jacket in one hand and the frigid metal of the truck in the other. Nova's finger hovered over the shutter button, waiting, even though we had agreed that she should take as many pictures as possible. The shopping cart hit the pavement with a bone-chilling screech and it, as well as all the scrap metal we had collected, sent up a glowing, monstrous shower of sparks that must have been ten feet high at least. The noise was terrifying and beautiful at the same time, like a symphony of destruction. Embers flew every which way, lighting up Nova's face with an eerie glow and reflecting her own inner radiance flawlessly. The truck hit a bump and for just a moment, Nova and I were airborne. The click of the camera sounded like gunshot in the dark and we fell side by side onto the blankets beneath us, screaming at the top of our lungs.
Rick was yelling, Nova was laughing, and it took me a moment to realize I was crying silently, tears streaming down my face as I finally saw Nova's love in a flurry of blinding splendor.
It was the kind of love that couldn't be defined, only explained through the sight of an explosion in the pitch black nothingness of a moonless night.