"Some day, when I'm awfully low,
When the world is cold,
I will feel a glow just thinking of you
And the way you look tonight."
An involuntary smile slowly tugged at my lips as happiness found its way into my heart. A little sigh escaped me as I heard my favorite song play on the radio. The old world cafe in this tiny town had inadvertently made by day. It had taken away the loneliness from my heart, warmed it and reminded me of my Bill.
Sinatra had helped Bill propose to me with this very song close to thirty years ago. I can still remember the teen Bill going down on his knee with a pop -top of a Pepsi can as he proposed to me while Sinatra played in the background. "Will you be marry me Cindy? " He had whispered as he blushed and sweated waiting for me to reply.
We married at eighteen, barely out of high school and completely broke. We had nothing with us and yet, in a mouldy old flat we celebrated our wedding with Sinatra and his orchestra. I could still see us dancing on this song. Bill had his arms around me, his warm breathe on my neck as he softly repeated the lyrics close to my ear. With Bill by my side, I soon found the dingy place becoming home.
Sinatra, Bill and our love turned the rusty little thing into a warm love filled home that was soon overflowing with three rowdy children.Sinatra helped Bill and me live through the best years of our lives. Twenty years of wedded bliss with Sinatra's songs as the centre of every celebration had been Bill's gift to me.
Sinatra had been there too, when Bill left me, forever. If I close my eyes, I can still remember the feel of his warm yet fragile body as he lay next to me in his hospital bed, losing his battle against Cancer. The night before his demise he quietly scribbled something and hid it under our pillow, "Read it tomorrow." he whispered as he winked at me. I always wondered if he had known he would never wake up and done this for me or perhaps he wanted to slip away, as quietly as possible, knowing that I would not let him go.
I can still hear his soft broken voice as he whispered his love to me at night. We had been in bed, holding each other. I still remembered how hard my heart had been hammering that night, somehow I knew I would never be with him again. Somehow, he knew it too. He lay with his head near mine and whispered I love you a million times, begging I never forget his love for me, no matter how bleak the days would soon be. I whispered the same to him, telling him how much I loved him, needed him. I remember begging him to fight, to will to live for us. I remember how he had laughed quietly, "If I could baby, I would never have put you through hell. But Our Holy Father has plans my love and I cannot interfere with them now, can I?"
He never woke up. Quietly, in the dead of the night, he crept away from me. I can still remember pulling the note from under his pillow and reading his last words. Sinatra had helped him again. The note read-
Softly, I will leave you softly
For my heart would break if you should wake and see me go
So I leave you softly, long before you miss me
Long before your arms can beg me stay
For one more hour or one more day
After all the years, I can't bear the tears to fall
So, softly as I leave you there
PS: Stay here love, the kids need you. Be strong for me as you become strong for them. Promise me you will live and teach them how to live. I want you to promise me that you will not come for me till our kids have settled and are happy in their lives.....
I still keep the note with me. Age has turned it yellow, its creases have begun to cut the paper but, I cannot part with it. His letter, his last words became my strength as I fought though the pain of losing him, it became my talisman; helped me survive the numerous times I contemplated suicide.
Today, a decade after surviving without Bill, I smiled with Sinatra as he reminded me of our first date back in the eighties when a teenage Bill taught me the meaning of love at first sight. I pulled his last letter out of my bag and lovingly unfolded the crease, I didn't need to read it anymore, not because I knew the words, but because I had completed every last wish in this letter.
My youngest, Lia was now a much married young woman with a child in tow. Even my two boys, Mark and Mathew had married and settled. No one needed me for their happiness. Yes, they loved me, yes, I still visited them, but, and for the first time in a decade I knew I was ready to go to Bill.
I was finally free.
I smiled as I stared into my coffee, "Can I come to you Bill?" I found myself asking him aloud.
"No you cannot." Said a familiar voice, jerking me out of my reverie.
I looked up to see the broad shoulders of my friend and Bill's lawyer Paul. He sat down in the chair infront of me and quietly handed a note to me,
"I need you for my own
Oh, I can't break away
I must have you everyday
As regularly as coffee or tea
You've got me in your clutches
And I can't break free
You're getting to be a habit with me"
"I know Bill took Sinatra's help to propose, and I sorry that I seem to be copying him, but noone else can create Sinatra's magic, least of all a dull boring lawyer like me. I needed to say this Cindy." He whispered as his soft green eyes spoke with my soul. His looks screamed out his fear , he was scared but he was baring his heart out to me.
"I know that you lived to fulfill Bill's wishes, given a choice, you would have happily filled the crypt next to his. You see Cindy, Bill knew a little something more, he knew how I have loved you for years and he knew that I would never say those words to you. What he also knew was that you would neglect yourself completely and once you fulfilled all of Bill's wishes, you would plan to join him. " He continued and I felt my heart thunder. Bill had known! Why had he not said a word to me?
"Hence, he gave this note to me and made me promise that I would stay with you forever more." Paul whispered as he gently lay his hands on mine, enclosing the letter in my palms. Bill had written them on behalf of Paul? I stared into his eyes, reading his very soul and remembering his steadfast promise of being there with me. Oh he had kept his promise, stood by me like a rock.
"I love you Cindy and you are a habit with me. Now that you have done your duty, please give me a chance to love you, protect you and pamper you. I know that you still love Bill and I could never ever take his place, but please. marry me, become my wife. I promise you a life full of companionship, togetherness and unconditional love with a sprinkling of legal advice." He whispered as tears rolled down his eyes.
"I have waited my whole life for you Cindy, before you contemplate going to Bill, please think of me." He begged as he bent forward to kiss my cheek. "Think about me, my love." He whispered yet again as he rose and left.
I knew how difficult it had been for him to make this request, to open his heart and bare his soul. My silent rock, the pillar in my numb dark days, Paul had quietly held me and my family together through the worst days of our lives. He had seamlessly blended in, taken over where Bill had left us, no, he did not become their father, but to the kids, he was nothing less than one. He never asked for anything, but, he was simply there- always. He is the honorary dad to my kids and they love him to bits. Till date he is the first person Lia calls. In fact, he met her man before she even contemplated letting her brothers and me meet him. She had explained that wanted her Dad's permission to date the guy. Paul had puffed with pride as he gave her away to this same 'guy', but only after allowing her brothers to threaten him with dire consequences should his princess ever ever cry.
I realized something more as I sat there, letter in hand, contemplating my life with Paul. What began as his mission to pull us out of our gloom soon became a habit. Every morning he would walk into our homes with a huge bag of breakfast and force us all to eat. Lia cried and Mark and Mathew fought him- violently at times. He simply let them blow their steam as he quietly set the table with healthy and nutritious breakfast. After blowing off their steam, they would quietly eat whatever he got before he forced them to into the school bus.
As for me, I hated getting out of the bed and simply hid till the kids left. Paul would then walk into my bedroom, quietly place a cup of coffee by my bedside along with a plate of toast or something, anything. He would then begin talking of the loads of pending wok Bill had left for me, work only I could look into as I was his legal heir, atleast till the children grew up. Every morning, there was new work, new reasons to face the day. I can never contemplate how he managed that but soon I had so much work that I had to employ a planner and a secretary to help me get through the day. Paul taught me Bill's real estate business, he even helped me develop it and became my silent partner when I needed the funds to expand. He was still a silent partner to my kids.
Hell, we still had breakfast together, now though, it was only him and me, especially since Lia married and left home. Over the years, he moved his things into our house, slowly, he became a permanent feature of the guest bedroom. It was still called Dad's room even though he was now our neighbour and lived in the pretty little house next to us. He purchased that property saying that he needed to stay close to us and the time spent traveling could simply be spent constructively.
Over time, Uncle Paul became 'Dad', I think Lia called him that once, when she cried as a six year old over her brothers' annoying her and howled for daddy, and didn't stop till Paul walked in and picked her up. She then went on to complain to 'daddy' and just like that, he became daddy. Mark and Mathew soon followed suit. Daddy is still the first person they called when they needed advice. Dad even took them to visit Bill, especially on Father's Day and Bill's birthday. They still celebrate Father's Day and Paul and Bill's birthday, it was now a family event with all the kids, their spouses and children.
Paul loves the kids like his own, and the kids loves him back. He is my best friend; our friendship is as old as Bill and my relation but the last decade changed the balance of our relation. He became more than just a friend, he became my best friend, my everything. In our own way, we loved one another, still do. I remember the bleak Christmas about four years after Bill's demise. Paul had been dating a lawyer- at my behest- and had wanted to bring her home for the celebrations. I remember him calling me from his office, crying and drinking, apologizing to the kids for not being able to come. He couldn't, he had whispered.
I remember panicking, wondering what had happened. In a split-second decision, I had forced Mathew to man up and take care of the kids and the celebrations while I sorted things with Uncle Paul. I can still remember driving through the snow, praying that he be safe. He was safe, as safe as a broken drunk attorney could possibly be. He confessed to me as he cried, Maria, the bitch, had cheated on him and used him to further her career.
I remember hugging him, enfolding him in my arms as I knelt by his chair. I had never seen Paul cry, but that night had been a revelation. His trust has been shattered, he needed me and I was there for him. I can still remember when the friendly hug turned into something more, when his hold became a lot more than just a platonic touch. More thank five years of celibate lifestyle and Paul's insistent need made me pull his mouth to mine and kiss him hard. I can never regret that night when I held him as he poured his grief and brought me back to life.
That was perhaps the only Christmas we celebrated without our kids, but it changed our dynamics, we were lovers for the night. I didn't know that such passion could exist. He came to me three times more that night and I rejoiced every time he loved me, made me a woman; made me his woman.
On Boxing day though, the bright morning brought us back to reality and we smiled at each other as we dressed and called the kids to let them know we were bringing in breakfast. Surprisingly, there were no awkward moments, everything felt so normal, yet so bright. He hugged me, kissed the top of my head as we headed down the elevator and into my car. He didn't want to drive and there was no need to travel in two cars when our destination was the same.
We never made love again, well, we did, only on special occasions, like our birthdays and Christmas. I could still feel my cheeks burn and turn red as I remembered the our last encounter, just last week after Lia's second wedding anniversary celebrations. Paul had never dated, but I guess in a sense, we had, we had been together. I smiled as I realized the train of my thoughts. Bill had given me Paul just as he had given Paul a family.
My heart danced a little as I remembered the million memories Paul has given me, many with Bill, many after him. He has been my best friend too... my companion... my lover... Hell, he has been my husband without the legality! He didn't take Bill's place but created his own, even in my heart. Why did I never realize this before!
I smiled as I kissed Bill's letter then carefully folded it, before placing it in my Bible and into my bag. I then rose and walked out of the joint and into the tiny street. I saw Paul walking towards the Church and followed him.
"Paul, you forgot something." I yelled as I turned into the gravelled road leading to the town's church and graveyard. He turned and waited as I walked up to him.
"Paul, please listen, I used to think your love was something that I could take or leave alone
But now I couldn't do without my supply I need you for my own
Oh, I can't break away
I must have you everyday
As regularly as coffee or tea
You've got me in your clutches
And I can't break free
You're getting to be a habit with me
Will you please marry me Paul and become my husband, companion and best friend? In return, I promise to love you forever and ever and ever, amen." I whispered as he gently pulled me into his arms and hugged me tight....
Yes, I still loved Bill but I knew Bill knew and I knew he understood even before I had that Paul and I could make a little life of our own, that we deserved a tiny little heaven for ourselves.....
Hand in hand we walked towards our new life... a life I knew Bill would be happy to see me live....