Im No Stranger To The Rain

I tried to keep my eyes open as I drove down the semi-familiar roads. I decided to visit some old friends, no big deal. Just going to catch up, which pretty much means they talk about how great their life is and how happy they are. While all I can say is I'm writing a new story that will probably not make it big.

I missed high school where you didn't notice how much life sucks after those four years. Even though you think it does within those four years. In actual life it doesn't, just at that moment does. The main people I was going to visit were Tory, Jeff, Mel, David. I knew I would probably recognize people, but I didn't really care. I was going to be home from college for three weeks.

I rang the doorbell several times before someone answered. "Emily!" I was embraced by a hug. It was from Jeff, I was going to stay at his apartment for the three weeks. Throughout high school, or before he graduated. He's three years older than me. Everyone thought we were going out, but we weren't.

We're just really close friends.  

Nothing more.

"Ahhhh, I missed you so much" Jeff screamed in a high squeaky voice. "I missed you too" I preceded to give him another hug. "Well, you can stay in the guest room. It's not that big. But you don't care because you just love me that much" he had taken the suitcase out of my hand and lead me to the guest room.

It was very small but nice at the same time. I didn't mind how big the room was just that it had a bed.

"I'm going to go to bed because you woke me up you whore" Jeff gave me the funny glare then continued to finish his sentence. "But I'll cya in the morning" I nodded and gave him another hug. We're huggable people.

When Jeff left the room I could hear him walk down the hallway and into his room the T.V. playing in the background. I opened up my one and only suitcase I brought and started to put my clothes in the drawers and closet. I didn't feel like changing my clothes I just flopped down on the bed and let my mind shut down for the night.

As if it's ever on anymore

"Emily..Emily.Slut muffin get up!" Jeff was lying next to me trying to wake me up. He didn't sleep in the same bed as me so for the people reading, don't think things. I opened my eyes. "What" I said smacking him on his arm lightly. "I'm suing you for physical violence" I giggled at that comment. "What do you need?" I asked in a calm voice. "I don't know I just wanted you to get up" he got up out of my bed and walked out of the room. I followed him out of the room and into the kitchen.

I snooped through the refrigerator and there was only fruit juice, caramel frapachinos from Starbucks, and Buffalo wings. I decided to just stop by Burger King and get some of those mini cinnamon buns.

I went through the drive thru and got a ton of food, because I'm a pig and just for left-overs. The total was $8.56 I personally think that's a lot of money for 3 cinnamon bun orders and a coffee. But I don't charge it I just reluctantly pay the business for their saturated grease food.

On the drive home I passed the high school. Just the sight of it reminded me of everything. I remember standing in the halls before the bell rang for first period in the morning and passing around a coffee cup, and getting mad at whoever drank it all. At lunch when we would all pitch in and buy a ton of tater-tots. Running around the halls screaming like parrots. My eyes started to water because I remembered Brian.

I cared for him once

Mostly because of Hannah she would make Brian feel like shit for making her upset. My heart sank to the nasty and disgusting car floor. I couldn't believe I fell for his lies and filth. I held back the tears; I wouldn't let myself cry over it. I started to sip the coffee as I drove. Coffee makes everything better. Just like saying Billy solves any problem.

Try it sometime

"You whore why didn't you get me a coffee?" Jeff whined when he saw that I was only holding one coffee mug that I was proceeding to drink out of. "You only like frapachinos whore casserole" I threw him his carton of cinnamon buns. "Hey only Sharpie can call me whore casserole!" he stuffed his face with food. I still can't believe he remembers that.

After I ate I took a shower and changed my clothes. Because these reeked of smoke and body odor. With my roommate and me smoking like chimneys the smell sticks with you.

I looked around the guest room as I got dressed. Jeff had a ton of pictures up. At least half of them were of him and I. I looked so different now. My hair cut at the beginning of freshman year went from the Davey Havok to blond on black big hair scene look.

I remember every moment when Jeff took these pictures. He had one of me the day of my first Good Charlotte concert and Kandy and I went crazy and had Good Charlotte all over us. I finally got to see Billy in person that night. I wouldn't shut up about him. I still can't. Eight years so far of dedicating my life to them. I still love them. My first tattoo was the GC symbol on my hipbone.

"I'm going to the mall, to see Tori" I yelled to Jeff as I was leaving. "You mean this and this Tori" he did the hand motions. "Yes that Tori" I giggled, he makes me giggle.

I left and drove to the Dayton mall. I put in a Damone cd as I drove. That was a band that I see anytime they come in a seven hour radius 

.  

There are a few select bands I would do that for.

The mall looked so different. Well I looked different, so I guess the mall is just trying to keep up with me I suppose.

I found the Starbucks, thankfully it was in the same spot as it used to. I automatically saw Tori. She looked different but I knew it was her. I could just tell. I walked in and she screamed my name and leaped over the counter to hug me.

"You look so cute and short still" she continued to hug me. She was still super tall, and sadly I was still short. "Ok I'm taking my break now" she said. "Are you sure?" I questioned. "I already asked if I could, they said it was ok"

I knew she would work at a Starbucks. She's the perfect person for it; she loves coffee like me and would always go to Starbucks. Mostly just us two going because everyone said it was too expensive. I would rather pay a couple dollars extra for a really good coffee, than pay half the price for a coffee that tastes like shit.

"Oh my you got a lot of new tattoos since I last saw you" she looked at my arms. I had gotten a handful of new ones. Now my whole left arm is covered. Still working on the right.

Do you still have the Woosh one? I asked. She showed me, I showed her mine, mine said Of Doom. We had joked that we would get that tattooed on the inside of our lips. And one night we got it tattooed. Mine was harder to tattoo because of my lip rings. I know a stupid idea but now we will always remember it.

"Hey have you seen fuck face?" She knew who I meant

"Yeah he comes in every once in awhile to get a coffee with his girlfriend?"

"And who else"

"Well, I hack luggies in their drinks and I mix expired milk with regular if they get Frappachinos" We laughed to the point of tears.

"Do you know where he works?"

"At that guitar store by the tri- county mall"

"Well, I shall pay a visit. Cause you know I have to be in everyone's business. And I will be the biggest bitch in the world"

"I wish I could go but I have to work" She stuck her tongue out at me.

"I'll call you and tell you the details afterwards ok?"

"Alright, I should be getting back to work"

"Ok. I love you Tori" I threw my arms around her.

"I love you too Emily"

We said out goodbyes, I drove the whole hour long traffic jam to his work. But it's worth it. I want to see his failure.

I entered the parking lot finding a parking space closer to the building. I felt sick, and I hated him for everything he did to me and every girl who has ever fallen for that asshat. I still hadn't picked my heart up from the car floor yet.

Taking a few deep breathes I forced myself inside that shitty store. It looked the same as it has been forever. I just started browsing but still looking for Brian, I wanted to find him myself. After looking around the whole store, I still couldn't find him.

My fingers traced over the bat on the twelfth fret of a Paul Reed Smith SE Signature Billy Martin Guitar. It was beautiful. I have one at my home in New Jersey, sadly I hadn't brought it.

So I just pulled a guitar off the wall and started playing. My fingers moved as I played the song 'Motivation Proclamation' My favorite Good Charlotte song.

"Oh great a Good Charlotte fan" I looked up and it was Brian. "Yeah so" I wanted to see if he recognized me, but yet again I don't want him to. "They are a sell out's" he used to like Good Charlotte at one point in time.

Another reason for me to hate him with more of a passion 

Hate my favorite band 

Burn in Hell

"No they aren't you fucking liar. All because a band get a record deal doesn't mean they sold out" I defended myself. He gave me this look, I remembered it perfectly, and I wish I hadn't. I gave the look back but just with more hate. "I know you from somewhere" he was thinking deeply, I could tell.

I hope his brain short circuits and then he'll explode into tiny pieces. 

"You cheated on me several times but hey I bet you've done that with every girl you've dated Like that was going to narrow the possibilities. "Emily" he sounded unsure. "Yeah" I murmured.

"You look so different" he studied my appearance. "More tattoos mostly" I continued to play the flawless guitar. "Well, you look different too. Lip ring I see." He had said he wanted his lip pierced but I knew he only wanted it to get girls.

It just makes him look even worse 

If that is possible 

Only certain people can fulfill the lip ring look

"I got my tongue pierced also" He stuck his tongue out at me.

Nasty who knows where that has been?

"Do you have any new piercings, wink wink, nudge nudge, hint hint" Brian is still his perverted self, I fucking hate it.

"I wouldn't tell you" I spat putting the guitar back up on the rack. "Why such the bitchy attitude?" I couldn't believe he just asked that. He expects me to be friendly? Yeah when Hell freezes over maybe then I might be nice. No answer came from me.

There was an awkward silence that took over. I didn't know how to stop it. I wanted to tell Brian I fucking hated him for hurting me and hurting so many other girls.

"So how's life?" he asked breaking the silence. Not one of the questions I would like to of broken the silence but it was something. "Alright, I'm in college for the arts. I'm writing even more stories." I should've just left after that question. Brain doesn't need to know how I'm wasting my life away. "I'm in a couple bands and working here" He seemed proud of that. I bet he's lying about this just like how he lied about everything.

"I'm going outside to smoke would you like to join me?" he questioned. "Sure" I followed him outside the back door.

I needed one of my daily fixes

He wouldn't shut up about himself. Every word out of his mouth was about how great he is in the band. About how many girls he gets and whatever the fuck else he's blabbing about.

I looked at him; I could see the lies slipping out. I stopped him mid sentence. "So have you fucked over any other girls?" Poison dripped from those words. "What?" Brian seemed confused by the simplest question. "Have You Fucked Over Any Other Girls?" Maybe his mind could process that. I could see the heat rising in his face. That answered the question for me.

"Well, it's getting late. I should go back to Jeff's house" I didn't need to know anymore. I got my information so now it's time for me to leave his life forever and forever it will be.

Brian followed me to my car, I just ignored him and got into the drivers seat. "Was the only reason for you being here is to find out if I cheated again?" he asked forcefully. I looked at him,

Does he actually think I came here to talk to him?

"Yes it is. So now that I know that I will be on my way" I turned the engine on.

~Flashback~

I was lying up against my dresser crying. "I still care about you but I just don't think I can keep dating you. There might be more things out there for me waiting" he said wiping my tears. More just kept coming. "What the hell, so I'm not good enough. That just makes me feel so much better!" I cried out. "That's not what I mean" he tried to rephrase. But no matter how he put it. I wasn't good enough. He wanted a whore who would fuck him no matter what he said or did. Or let's just put that in simple terms. Hannah.

~Flashback Ended~

"So how long are you going to be here?" he asked leaning up against my car.

Now I have to sanitize my car, damnet

"Not long" I was remembering about how much he hurt me. I remembered Hannah. I felt the urge coming back of wanting nothing more than to slap him across his face.

Like I have done many times in the past 

If you look really close you can see hand prints on his face

"Well, how long is not long?" he was fishing for an answer. But I was going to be difficult. "Why don't you go ask you whore Hannah how long not to long is" I threw anger at him in words. I hoped that hurt him.

Brian looked away from me. "Now you have to start shit with me" He was pissed, I knew it. I remembered every single detail about him. I could read him like a book. I'm good at getting into people's minds. They don't even recognize it. But I am.

"Oh I start shit. What about all those times you cried over her. And I helped you through it. And then when I need you most you just leave me for her. So yeah I'm supposed to be all over you while you go fuck her. Yeah right! I don't know where she's been. I don't want any of her diseases!" I thrashed. "I never went out with her" he said. "Oh yeah right that doesn't mean you didn't fuck her" I was in full rage towards him and only him.

Who isn't?

"Ya know even though I should be in full out rage. I actually have an advantage. Something you don't have" Brian looked confused as usual. "I'm in a band and we might get signed. We have A & R people eating out of our hands trying to get us to sign with their company. I bet no one even wants to be in the same room as you when you play. So I come out on top while you are underneath some girl your fucking" I glared at him. I said my last words to him forever and pulled out of the parking lot.

He stood there. No one really knows about me being in a band. I haven't told anyone from here about it. I want them to hear about us. Then go to a show, and when I come out onstage then notice that it's me. The girl they mocked.

I seem to do everything for the band. I'm the only girl.

Only: an adverb used to indicate the one thing or person that solely or exclusively happens or is involved with something

So I have to do everything already. I design the shirts. Write the songs. Then put guitar parts to it. Go to Steve and we make a drum beat. Then Steve works with Dan for bass lines. I have to baby-sit them.

And they are over twenty to add to this

To make sure they're doing work instead of talking about who they picked up last night. When I'm sure they're working, I find Mike then him and I work together to make up more guitar riffs.

To add to all of that. I still have to study for exams. Make sure I'm not failing. Not falling asleep in class because I'm so tired from the late night show and studying. A lot of that piles up in stress levels.

I drove back to Jeff's house smoking. No matter how many cigarettes I smoked. It wasn't enough. I put the Good Charlotte CD into the slightly broken stereo and sang along the best I could. Without my tears ruining my singing. I loved their music. It would usually make me feel better. But not tonight, not knowing that there is a guy who is doing wrong to so many girls.

I went inside Jeff's house. He never locks the door. This is very stupid. After his lecture about smoking and how I should just kill myself cause that's what Im doing with smoking.

The usual

I just nodded my head and went into my room. I couldn't wait till the Good Charlotte concert coming up in three days. The main reason for coming back. Why else would I really come back to Middletown?

"Mel stop hitting the stereo!" I scolded as I drove Mel, David and I to Columbus for the Good Charlotte concert at 7 pm. "But it keeps making GC skip, it's messing up their beautiful music Emily! It needs to be punished in a harsh manor!" She crossed her arms.

Gotta love Mel

"Mel shut up we're going to get to see them tonight so calm down!" David yelled stretched out in the backseat. There was silence in the car for a few peaceful seconds until David just had to ruin it. "I have to pee" he announced. "You'll have to wait till we get there" Sometimes he acts like a child not a twenty-two year old. "I can't wait" he whined. I groaned and pulled over at the nearest truck stop. "Hurry" I demanded. I watched him run to the bathrooms. Mel was occupied with her thoughts.

I turned to Mel. "Remember Brian?" I asked.

"Yeah he's dating Lora still"

"With who else?"

"I have no idea anymore"

"I don't think anyone knows"

"I feel sorry for them" She squinted her eyes as she looked out the window for David.

"I still cant believe I fell for him once"

"Emily that was a long time ago"

"So it ruined most of my life"

"I'll find you someone better, a Billy look alike" Mel giggled.

I laughed at that comment. "Even better you should get me Billy" That would be nicer.

Then I would go to jail for rape and kidnapping

David ran back to the car and leaped into the back. We sped off to our destination. We have wasted about three minutes and we need those three minutes. The earlier we are the better. I planed out be four hours early. Now it will be three hours and fifty-seven minutes.

"What the fuck is this map telling me!" I tried to read the map while driving in circles around a college campus. I handed the map to Mel. "Help me damnet" I was at a boiling point. "Ok turn right here" I turned left. "Wait, we should've gone straight. Just do a U turn and then turn right" I did as she said.

I saw a group of people walking that were wearing Good Charlotte attire. Good sign. As Mel directed me to the concert hall we saw more people dressed in Good Charlotte attire so I pulled the car into a vacant apartment parking lot.

"Remember where we parked ok?" I knew I wouldn't remember. "I'll be too shit faced" David laughed. "I'll try" Mel would most likely remember. "Ok before we get closer to the building. I went online and got a copy of a backstage pass. Then I had Mike get on his computer and make copies. So they look like the real thing. So don't act suspicious." I handed them each a pass, we put them around our necks.

I so rule the world with my greatness

Mel hugged me tightly. "Have I ever told you I love you" She hugged me tighter. "Yes, and I love you too" I hugged her back. David hugged me too but not as tightly. Mel had a death grip going on.

We followed fellow Good Charlotte fans to the venue. There were only about thirty people in front of us. I knew coming extremely early would benefit. David was already hitting on guys in line.

This is a usual routine

He just couldn't wait till we got inside. Mel and I talked to everyone there in line and people getting into line. There was a women coming around handing out free packs of gum, filling my pockets with them, have to have fresh breath for Billy. Someone in line had a portable stereo and was playing Good Charlotte cds.

Of course Mel and I sung them loud and proud.

There was a line forming that was over three blocks. I thought there weren't that many fans left. I was starting to think Mel and I were the only true hardcore fans. Only true fans would have more than six tattoos dedicated to them and all their greatness. Also have three scrapbooks of them throughout the years. And go to every concert in Ohio and once in Germany thanks to a trip there.

I think you get the point here.

"Pick me up" David said to me. I gave him a confused look. "Just pick me up" I had no idea what he was going to do, but I picked him up and he sat on my shoulders. He only weighed one hundred and ten pounds which is nothing. "EVERYONE! WHO IS HERE TO FUCK GOOD CHARLOTTE!!!!" he screamed at the massive line of people. There was loud cheering. Mel screamed Billy at the top of her lungs. "WHO IS HERE TO FUCK ME?!?" there was some more cheering going on. "I'd hit that!" Some random guy yelled back. "MEET ME IN THE BATHROOM!" David yelled back before getting off my shoulders. "Did you get that out of your system now" I smiled and laughed at his boldness. "Maybe" he laughed.

It started to pour rain randomly. Luckily we were under a ledge. People who weren't as lucky as us were getting soaked. The venue opened early because of the rain. Everyone piled in trying to dry off, which would be impossible.

I grabbed onto Mel's hand which caused a chain reaction for her to grab David's shirt as we ran to get a good spot. I pushed people out of the way who would curse and try to punch me. I didn't care I wanted a good spot.

I needed that spot

we got through the two opening bands peacefully. Good Charlotte's roadies were setting up. Thanks to me and my aggressiveness we got second row. I also made sure we were on Billy's side. "This is taking forever!" Mel complained. "I know!" I complained also. David was long gone by now. He left us after the Pink Spiders played. I wanted to smoke but Mel would kill me so I just have to put up with it for right now.

And trust me its killing me

The lights went out. Mel and I screamed at the top of our lungs. Billy came out first and Mel and I screamed even louder. I started to hyperventilate. Every time I see Billy I do this. Sad I know but it's true. What's even worse is I'm nineteen and Mel is eighteen and we still act like when we were pre-teens.

The first song was The Anthem like it has been for years. Mel and I danced and screamed throughout the whole thing. I bet people wanted us to leave because of our obnoxiousness.

Trust me they did

Oh well; we were having fun so that's all that matters. I almost passed out at one point because Billy stood right in front of the part we were in. If I was one row closer I could've touched his leg.

I debated climbing up on the ledge that we stood next to. If I got up there I could launch myself on stage but Mel wouldn't let me leave her and get arrested. Anyways we have backstage passes, well fake ones. I hope they work.

Good Charlotte finished with the song Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous. Mel and I have almost lost our voices. We train ourselves for concerts by screaming a lot a week before. It might sound stupid but it works.

Mel and I found David at the bar talking to people. We pulled him away and lead him to backstage. We showed the security guard our passes and he just let us go by. I held onto Mel's shirt so she wouldn't launch herself at them.

I knew it would happen anyways

So we sat and waited for them to come out. I scanned the room for any attractive guys. I found one, he was gorgeous. He was standing in the back. He had really long bangs and on the one side was a red streak. The back was extremely short seemed buzzed. He wore glasses, similar to the ones I wore. He was wearing a green and black stripped hoodie with girl jeans. His small frame fit perfectly in them. I tried to imagine his hipbones.

One of my fetishes

I admired him from where I was standing. I could tell he was older than me but not by much. I heard high pitched screaming. I turned my full attention to that. The Good Charlotte guys came into the room and were swarmed by girls and a few guys.

I waited patiently; I didn't want to frighten them. I wish my band was loved this much by fans. I watched Billy closely. He was so beautiful. I was still holding onto Mel's shirt. "LET ME HUG BILLY!" she whined trying to break free. I decided that it's not my responsibility if she gets arrested, so I let go of her shirt. She ran and pushed people out of the way and latched herself onto him almost knocking him over. I shook my head in embarrassment. He hugged her back, she finally let go of him and she had him sign her shirt.

That was still on her

She took about fifty million pictures with him or of him. I give him points for putting up with her. After getting a whole roll of film of Billy she moved on to the next member.

I waited till there wasn't a giant swarm around Billy. I walked up to Billy and waited for him to get done signing stuff for a girl. David had followed me because I made him. Billy greeted me. I managed to get out a greeting. "Can I get a picture with you?" I asked. "Of course" he put his arm around me. I think I died for a second. He had to lean down for the picture since I'm so short.

I loved every second 

If I could I would rip off his clothes and rape him right here

David took a couple pictures. "Thanks. Hey can you sign my arm?" he gave a confused look but went along with it. I held out my right wrist. "Can you sign here" I pointed above the GC writing in Old English script. "Sure" he signed my arm. "So is that your only Good Charlotte tattoo?" he asked putting the cap back on the sharpie. "No I have five more, soon to be six more" I couldn't believe how calm I was. "Six more?" he questioned. "I'm getting your signature tattooed" Oh God I probably scared him. Damnet.

"Oh wow. Here have my guitar pick and towel. You seem to be a big fan" Billy handed me his sweaty towel and guitar pick. I smiled, I wanted to hug the towel but that would frighten him so I'll just wait till I get outside. "Thank you" I hugged him again. I wanted to kidnap him and keep him forever; just like in the Operation Kidnap Billy stories my friend Sammy and I would write in high school.

"Well I should get to the other fans but it was nice to meet you" Billy said shaking my hand and moving on to other fans that were waiting. I went over to Mel who was talking to Benji and showed her the towel and guitar pick.

She touched the towel but only once I wouldn't allow other hands to ruin it. I talked to the other band members getting autographs and pictures. I had them sign my shirt. Only Billy was allowed to sign my arm.

Only him no one else

I took the shirt I bought at the merch stands and wrapped it around my wrist so the sharpie wouldn't fade. I wanted to scream over joyfulness but there were too many people in the room. I saw the guy I was admiring earlier; he was talking to Billy and hugged him. Shit he's probably gay when you think about it. All the beautiful guys are either taken or gay.

I got done talking to all the members and stood up against the wall. I didn't want to bother them. I saw the beautiful guy doing the same thing just on the other wall. I debated going over there. Even if he was gay or taken I still could be a friend. I went over to him. "Hello" I said. "Hi" he looked uninterested. "You just seemed lonely so I came over here" I blushed. "I'm Danny" he held his hand out in a hand shake gesture. "I'm Emily" I shook his hand. "I saw you hug Billy" I said. "He's gorgeous" Danny commented.

Damnet

"I wanted to put him in my hoodie and run away. No one would notice" he laughed. "I wanted to kidnap him too" I threw that in; I didn't know what else to say. David came over to me carrying Mel. Danny's eyes lit up.

Damnet times two

"Mel was scaring Paul" David was holding onto Mel as she squirmed around in his arms.

David then noticed Danny. "You're gorgeous" David studied Danny. "So are you" Danny giggled.

Shit, fuck, cunt.

This isn't fair. David takes all the pretty guys. "So what are you doing tonight?" David asked still holding Mel. "Nothing, unless you plan on doing something" I couldn't stand it anymore. "David, me and Mel are going to go find a tattoo shop. Just call me when you leave" I took Mel from David and left the room.

The Good Charlotte members had already left by now. "I had fun Emily" Mel hugged me lovingly. "Me too" I said looking at the things I got from Billy. "I got Billy to sign my arm" Mel let out a squeal. "Let me see! Let me see!" she jumped up and down. I took off the shirt from my wrist and showed her. It hadn't faded yet. She squealed again as so did I. "Help me find a tattoo shop" I said as we walked down the block.

We walked about three blocks before we found a decent looking tattoo shop. I smiled as we went inside. It looked nice and clean unlike the other ones that we went by. Mel followed me to the front desk. "How may I help you" a scrawny looking fellow said behind the counter. "Hi, I was wondering if you could tattoo this signature" I unwrapped the shirt again and showed the man. "Of course, do you want that in just regular black ink?" he asked. "Just black" I replied.

The man led Mel and I to a chair towards the back. "You're lucky I was going to close up soon. You made it just in time" he smiled filling the ink up into the little cup. "I'm Chad" he smiled. He was about thirty. He reminded me of my mother's friend Joe.

Joe was always a good person

I introduced us. "So did you guys get out of the Good Charlotte concert?" he asked cleaning off the part of my arm he was going to tattoo. Making sure to not smear the signature. "Yeah, the signature is Billy's" I smiled because just the fact I met Billy makes me gitty.

Chad tattooed Billy's signature onto my arm above the already Good Charlotte tattoo. And he was nice enough to give Mel a tattoo of the GC lettering on her shoulder for half price. I ended up paying for it since Mel spent all her money at the concert. I didn't mind paying though. "That'll be ninety dollars" I paid Chad and thanked him before leaving the shop. I lifted up the bandage to look at the signature; a smile was plastered on my face.

This is the best tattoo ever

Mel couldn't really look at hers because we weren't carrying a mirror. But I looked at it and it was done nicely. We walked back to the car, carrying all our things. As we turned the corner into the parking lot we witnessed David and Danny heavily making out up against my car.

I was furious at what I was witnessing

Mel and I walked to the car. Mel started to whistle at them but then she saw my face and stopped. They didn't even notice that we were standing right in front of them

"Ahem! I yelled. David looked over at me. "You're back so soon" he laughed. "Yeah and we're leaving now" I said in a rude manor. "Danny is coming to my house tonight" David pulled Danny close to him. "Whatever" I spat as I got into the car. Mel got in the passenger seat. David and Danny got in the backseat. "What's wrong?" David asked as he noticed I hadn't said anything since I started driving. "Nothing I'm just tired"

I was far from tired

David always takes the guys I even remotely like. Mel stared at me as I drove. She knew what was wrong.

"Thanks Emily for taking me to the concert. Tell Mike I love him for making us backstage passes" Mel told me before I drove off. David was all over Danny, I would glance at them through the rear view mirror. Every time building up more anger. He would tell David to stop for right now. But David wouldn't listen. David just continued to be a whore. "David just fucking stop ok! Maybe I shouldn't stay the night tonight." Danny thrashed. David stopped being all over Danny and sat on the other side of the car.

I smiled to myself, not letting them see as I drove David home. "I'll call you sometime Danny" David said to him before getting out of the car. "Thanks for taking me Emily" David hugged me through the window then went inside his empty home. Or at least empty for tonight.

"Come up front Danny. You don't have to stay back there" I said, starting the car back up.

I wanted to get a better look of him without David obstructing my view.

He got out of the backseat and sat in the passenger seat. "Ok where do you live?" I asked him. "Off of Briel. Do you know where that is?" He asked me. "Yeah, I used to live here" I backed out of David's driveway and made a left.

We drove in silence. The only words spoken were him telling me directions to his house. I pulled into the lot. "Thanks for the ride" he smiled. "No problem" I smiled back. I waited for him to get inside his house then drove back to Jeff's apartment. I fell asleep on the couch. I couldn't make it to my room.

"Emily!" Jeff yelled in my ear. "Fucking go away" I mumbled, hiding my face from him with my arms. "Phones for you" Jeff threw the phone at me it landed on my stomach. I picked it up "Hello?" I said. "Emily, we need you to come back to New Jersey" It was Steve. "Why I told you I would be gone a week." I was confused.

More angered though

"Dan booked a show for us. A & R people are going to be here" he seemed joyful but yet upset. "When?" I asked getting up from the couch and into the guest room. "In two days. So I called you today so you can get here by tomorrow" he explained to me. "Fine, I'll be on my way in about thirty minutes" I started to pack my things. "Sorry for ruining your vacation" Steve apologized. "It's alright"

Even though it wasn't

We said our goodbyes and hung-up. I brought the phone back out to Jeff and handed it to him. "I'm leaving earlier than expected Jeff" I said walking to my room. "Why?" he asked still holding the phone.

Why now does he have to ask questions?

"Something came up ok. I'll come back some other time." I threw a hoodie on over my clothes from last night. "Alright" Jeff left the room. I picked up my things and put them into the trunk of the car. Jeff had followed me outside. "I'll cya later Jeff" I hugged him tightly. "Bye!" he tickled me. I jerked away laughing. "No!" I pretended to scold him.

I spent all day and night driving. I stooped at seven to eat and call my friends to tell them why I left. I didn't tell the real reason I left. I still am avoiding telling them about my band Abstract Glam. I gave them lame excuses.

Extremely lame ones 

I called David last.

"Hello?" he answered.

"Hey it's Ali"

"Oh hi, what's up?"

"I left Middletown a little early. It was an emergency for me to go back to New Jersey."

"Ok, just be sure to come back sometime soon"

"I will"

"Well I got to go Danny is here"

"Oh..Ok bye" I hung-up the phone.  

Bastard

That bastard, I thought I had a chance with Danny but I guess not. I reached for my pack of Marlboro Reds smoking them up. I hated how my life has been going.

Stopping at a gas station I leaned up against my car in the parking lot. I looked over in the passenger seat and noticed the guitar pick and towel. At least one thing good happened last night.

Only one though

I picked up the guitar pick and poked a hole through the wider end with my keys. I put it on my Level 27 skeleton key necklace. Now I have a part of Billy with me always. I put the towel in a plastic bag that was originally full of cds, and put it in the trunk of the car.

I continued to drive into the night. Staying awake on cheap coffee and cigarettes. I was about two hours away from home. I ran out of cigarettes and coffee. So I stopped yet again at a gas station.

It was early in the morning by now. I got out of my car and went inside. Made my way over to the coffee machine making myself a large and extra strong blend. After finishing that task I went to the counter. "Can I also get a pack of Marlboro Red?" I asked. "Yeah" the young looking girl turned around and got me a pack. "Is that all?" she asked. 

Can I also get a well paid job, a new life, and maybe some good cocaine to go with that please?

"Yeah that's all" I got my wallet out from my back pocket. "Five fifty" she said, I handed her the money. "Are you in the band Abstract something?" she asked. "Abstract Glam" I corrected I don't expect her to know our name. "I'm going with my friends to the show tomorrow. There's going to be a lot of bands there" she seemed gitty.

I wasn't at five in the morning

"Well hope you have fun" I faked smiled and left. I went out to my car, by the time I reached the car I already had one lit.

I continued to drive to my shitty apartment, where I could sleep in my shitty bed, and then eat some shitty food. I reached the apartments not far from the college. I'm so glad I didn't get a dorm.

I arrived in front of my 'home'. It was the closest thing to one. I grabbed my bags and headed towards the door. I fumbled around with my keys trying to find the right one. I finally found it and went inside. It was left exactly the same as I left it. Nothing new had seemed to change.

It was seven something in the morning. I was up all night driving home. I passed by Flippy's room and saw him peacefully sleeping. I quietly crept into my room and flopped myself down on my bed. I looked up at the walls that I had covered with memories and smiled before falling asleep.

I woke up to the sweet smell of vegan pancakes and coffee. I got up still in the clothes from two days ago. I followed the aroma to the kitchen where Flippy greeted me. "I decided to make your favorite since you came home. I noticed by the bags in the middle of the room" he smiled pouring me a cup of coffee as I sat at the counter.

He's always doing nice and caring things for me 

Its well needed

"Thanks Flippy. I came home in a rush. Dan booked a show tomorrow without reminding anyone till yesterday. So I came home early." I looked down at my coffee cup. "So did anything happen here while I was gone?" I asked. "Nothing at all which is depressing" he made two plates of vegan pancakes.

I looked down at my arm which was still in the bandage. "I met Billy, he signed my arm and I got it tattooed" I peeled the bandage off and showed him. It was still slightly swollen. Much better looking though. "Nice, did you rape him?" Flippy burst out laughing. "No I contained myself. I got his guitar pick and sweaty towel. I can clone him now" I busted out laughing also.

The front door flew open and Mike walked in. "Don't you knock?" I asked with my mouth full. "What's this so called knocking you speak of?" he pretended to be confused.

Everyone needs a friend like Mike

"Well at least close the door" I replied. He turned around and closed the front door. "Emily in about ten minutes you need to be ready. We have to drive our shit downtown to the venue and practice somewhere in the middle of that" he took a sip from my coffee mug. "Good coffee Flip" he took another sip of it. "How do you know I didn't make it" I continued to eat my pancakes. "Flippy can only make this good of coffee" he sat the cup down and pointed at it. "Yeah Emily" Flippy teased getting Mike his own cup of coffee. "Thanks man. If I was gay I would so use you for coffee" Mike joked. "I would use you for your fame" Flippy joked back.

Note not my fame

I shoveled down the rest of my vegan pancakes then rushed to the bathroom to take a shower. I was in need of one, not showering for three days, disgusting.

I turned the shower on watching the steaming water pour down. I undressed, there was fat on my stomach. It makes me sick to know I can't be perfect. I hated myself for this. I fought with my urges to just shove my finger down my throat feeling the need to again. I'm going to be in the spotlight someday. I need to look good. Right now I look repulsive.

I stepped into the shower. Maybe a shower will make me feel better. The hot water felt so good. I made sure to not take too long, we still needed to practice before the show. After finishing my shower I rushed to my bedroom. Mike was sitting on my bed reading a magazine. "Why are you in my room?" I asked getting my stage clothes out. The same outfit every time. Same tattered jeans, same stripped small shirt, same red leather jacket.

Same alcoholic druggie

"Can't I read a magazine in peace?" he questioned. "Asshat" I put my stage clothes on over my dripping wet body. I don't mind if Mike is in the room, there have been worse situations when I'm drunk, that he and other people have witnessed.

"Where the fuck is my effects petal!" I screamed looking through the bin I keep my guitar gear in. "Check the trailer" Dan said setting lights up.

I ran in full speed out to our van and trailer tearing through it like a person looking for crack. I finally found it behind an empty guitar case. I was almost in tears when I found it. I wouldn't know what I would do without it. It's one of the few things I have left of my dad.

I jogged back inside and held it up for my band members to see so they know there's nothing to worry about anymore.

Besides me

We just finished our fourth song on our eight song set. I looked out at the crowd. It was packed, I'm nervous of forgetting how the songs go. But I just have to trust myself. And wish for the best. I was a sweaty, smelly mess. I kept going though.

Girls were clawing their way to get to Mike as he leaned into the crowd. I smiled at that sight. Steve was being his silly self playing drums. Dan stayed quiet and focused the whole time. I just enjoyed the moment and played. We went right into playing the song 'Tattooed Angel Wings' Mike had written that song for me for my birthday last year.

I watched as Mike got all the attention from the crowd. It slightly frustrated me, all my band mates got attention from everyone because they're guys and girls would fight each other for a night with them.

I'm just the girl who plays guitar

The breakdown in the song came up and Mike went to the amps to retrieve water. I saw this as my chance to catch some spotlight. I rushed to the front and shredded my heart out on my guitar solo. Making it up as I went. Usually I would have a simple solo. But I can't have that.

I need some spotlight

I finished it up just in time to continue the chorus. I grinned as people cheered. I moved back to my original spot but not for long. Leaping up on the small platform the drum set was on then climbed up on the front of the bass drum. Only inches to support my small frame.

"What the fuck" Steve mouthed at me. I just smiled and held my guitar up high. People cheered. Human nature enjoys watching a life in danger.

Dan looked over at me and gasped, or what looked like it. I smiled wider and did a classic AFI kick jump almost landing on poor Mike. He helped me balance myself as I continued to play. I was now stealing the spotlight. I deserve it; it was well needed, well deserved.

My band finished the set; we said our thanks and threw some extra water bottles and towels into the crowd before getting off stage. "What the hell were you thinking getting on that bass drum?!" Steve screamed at me. "Getting some spot light I needed!" I thrashed back. "You could've hurt yourself" he threw his empty water bottle in the trashcan. "Well I've done a lot for this band and I needed some spotlight ok! All you guys get spotlight! Girls get into fights to get to you. I don't get that! No one notices or appreciates a girl guitarist!" I yelled tears starting to form. Steve saw them and hugged me tightly. Our sweat bonding together. "I'm sorry Emily; I didn't know you were jealous. Please don't cry. Just don't try a stupid stunt like that again." He handed me a clean towel to wipe my tears.

I made my way to the bar, by myself. I was getting a lot of compliments about my stunts and guitar playing. I thanked them full heartedly. People were actually coming up to me wanting pictures and wanting my autograph. I many times asked them if they were sure they didn't want my band mates' signatures. But they told me they wanted mine instead.

This boost my hidden ego

I signed anything that was put in front of me. I was getting free drinks left and right. This is what I deserve, I need attention too. For once I was truly happy to be in the band Abstract Glam.

Finally leaving the venue, making the drive home. Everyone was tired except for me I was hyped up on drugs that I had done with the fellow bands there. Steve had yelled at me quite a few times to just shut up and go to sleep. I couldn't do that. I wanted to stay up all night and party. I'm young and it's only midnight there's still so much to do tonight.

They dropped me off at my apartment and told me to go inside and stay there.

Like that would happen

I let laughs escape as I nodded my head. Flippy was sitting on the couch watching T.V. "Hey beautiful" I sat next to him running my hands down his torso. "Someone's on drugs" he laughed. "Hell yeah. I brought some for you also" I pulled a baggie out of my jacket pocket of cocaine. He grinned at me taking the baggie from my hands. I cut a straw in half as Flippy started separating the cocaine into lines on the US Weekly magazine. I handed him a straw. "Thanks babe" he snorted a line as I did the same.

"This is good shit" Flippy said on a high. "Of course I only steal the best" I was even higher than before, I could do anything in this world. I felt an attraction to Flippy. He just seemed so sexy snorting lines. I crashed my lips to his. I couldn't control myself. He kissed me back. Suddenly noticing what I was doing I stopped kissing his soft lips. "What"

Flippy you should know what by now

"You're gay Flippy" I let out a laugh. "Not for now" He pulled me on top of him kissing my neck. I let him; I needed some sex in my life.

I woke up exhausted. I looked over on the pullout couch to see Flippy sleeping. I saw the condom wrapper on the floor. I wished I hadn't used him last night. But we both were on a high and couldn't control ourselves. This hasn't been the first time this has happened.

I got up and went to the bathroom. Claw marks covered my back; the angel wings tattoo disguised most of it. Bite marks imprinted all over my body. Who knows what Flippy and I did.

"How were exams?" Flippy asked as I entered the apartment after a long day of exams. "Fucking shit" I threw my book bag down on the ground. "I barely made the deadline in my figure and anatomy class. Just barely" I sat down in my usual seat at the counter. It has been forty five days since I stole the spotlight. I've stole some spotlight a couple few times. But the first time taking it was the most amazing thing I could've done for myself.

The only thing I could do for myself

I stood out on the porch smoking on Marlboro Reds, my favorite brand. As people walked by I would smile and nod, a simple greeting.

Some people I recognized walked by most of them in my classes. I enjoyed all the art they created, such beautiful work. I know most of their art will be in shows next to the famous painters.

"I'm having a party tonight" Flippy told me stepping out onto the porch too. I sighed and nodded. "Can I bum one?" he asked, I handed him the pack and lighter. "I'm going to go to the gas station for a slushy" I used that as an excuse. "Ok" Flippy was sitting in the lawn chair with the gaping hole on the side.

Friendly reminder: Don't lean on the left side

Grabbing my keys I rushed to my car and drove to the park. To the cliff that looks over a lake. I parked my car under the tree and sat in it looking at the scenery.

There was a rock to my left. It wasn't too cold out yet so I stepped out of my comfort zone and sat on the top of this lonely rock. No one around for company. The lake looked beautiful as the sun set beyond in the fields. I wished more than anything for the life I dreamed. The dream that changed throughout my childhood and struggling teenage years. Now all I wish for is to get out of college, have a nicer house, and be in Abstract Glam for as long as people come to our shows and support us.

It was starting to get dark. A few hours have past sine I left my apartment. I figure I should go back. I have spent enough time out thinking for now.

Even though there's never enough time to think clearly

I drove my car down the dirt roads leading me back to my home. I reached my apartment there were cars everywhere. In the front yard, street, in neighbors yards. I would get excited in this situation but not now. I don't feel like getting high or having sex with friends. Not tonight.

Inside it was packed. Music blaring to the point of becoming deaf. I shuffled through the crowds and reached my room only to find a couple having oral sex on my bed. "Get out!" I thrashed at them. Startled they ran off. I cursed under my breath as I pulled the sheets off my bed. Who knows who has been in here?

Please don't answer

I locked my door putting part of my dresser in front of it. No one should get in now. Satisfied of the fact I can prevent the world from getting to me I curled up in a ball on my sheet less bed and slept through the music.

"Emily!" Flippy yelled banging on the door. I was disturbed from my unconscious state. I got up the strength to get up out of bed and push the dresser away from the door. "Yes" I mumbled opening the door. "Oh ok I thought you died" he seemed to be getting over being high or drunk. Maybe a combination. "I'm fine" I assured him closing my door, not locking it.

The world is on a hangover

I felt something move my bed. I felt the need to open my eyes but yet I forced myself not to. "Emily?" Someone asked. "What?" I mumbled still eyes shut. "I need to talk to you" It sounded like Flippy. I opened my eyes to find a teary eyed fucked up mess of Flippy sitting on my bed. Impulse reaction my arms wrapped around him as he cried. "What's wrong?" I asked still hugging him tightly. "I think I love you" he cried more. Stunned I didn't know how to respond. I never thought Flippy, my friend for years, would think he was in love with me.

"Flippy you're just drunk or on drugs something" I tried to hide from his words. "No Emily. I finally tonight convinced myself to tell you" he stopped crying, looking me in the eyes. I was timid. "Flippy, I know we've been living together as friends and yes we have had sex but that was just the drugs talking right?"

I didn't know what to believe.

"I just don't know what to do. I know I'm gay but I feel like I love you" Flippy held onto my hand. "Flippy Stan I love you as a friend but I don't think I love you back the way you love me" I knew that hurt him. I never want to hurt that gentle soul but I don't love him the way he loves me. I started to cry, which caused him to tear up. We cried together.

I refused to step out of my room today. After last night with Flippy telling me he loves me I couldn't face him. There was a knock on my bedroom door. "What?" I asked tears falling onto my blanket. "Do you want something to eat?" Flippy asked out of concern. "I'm fine" I tried to hide the fact I was crying. "I'm sorry for last night. I guess I just shouldn't have told you. I apologize for that. I don't know what I was thinking. I suppose I wasn't thinking. I'm sorry" I heard his footsteps slowly start to fade. I cried more, to the point of no tears.

Just my heart crying its soul out.

Weeks past, tonight was another show for my band. Things were still in turmoil between Flippy and I. We talked but I knew we were both afraid to speak. The only person who knows anything about this is Mike. Only because Flippy was the one who called him telling me to get me out of my room. So after a few fights and tearing my door off the wall, I was out of my room.

Out of my comfort zone.

I was layering my makeup on like it was my job. Dan was sitting on top of the toilet seat as I layered more makeup on. "So how long are you going to take?" he whined. I glanced at him before returning to my half applied mascara. "I told you I would let you use my makeup when I was done. Keyword done." He grunted in frustration. I finished applying my concert face and handed Dan over the baggie of makeup. "Finally" he pulled everything out, trying to apply them all at once.

Unless you are a professional do not try this at home

Not completely ready I went back into my room. Getting the same outfit out as usual. I finally washed the clothes so the smell doesn't knock over the crowd. Dan returned as I was putting my shoes on. "I'm ready now, are you ready?" he asked handing me the baggie back. "Yep" Our arms linked as we skipped out the house to his car. He opened the door for me. "My dear" he bowed. I giggled as I sat inside the car. Dan is always a joker.

Dan drove us to the venue where we were meeting the rest of the band. I stepped out of the car breathing in the night air. It slightly worried me but yet thrilled my senses. I hooked my pass onto the side of my belt before we made the venture to find out van and trailer.

Not yet in sight we stood behind the back wall waiting. I smoked a cigarette as Dan entertained himself by being retarded. Give him a rock and a lighter and you have a free show. After about twenty minutes of waiting our precious van came into sight.

"Make sure you buy our guitarist Emily lots of drinks. She needs them." Mike spoke to the crowd. He could tell I was feeling down. "Alright, alright. For our next song is going to be a cover song. We thought we would play 'Motivation Proclamation' by Good Charlotte for you guys. And maybe this will cheer Emily up" A few people cheered. "Hey come on more people have to like Good Charlotte than three." Mike complained it's true not that many people are still fans. I began to play the beginning.

My fingers by now know where to go subconsciously.

Tears slowly trailed down my cheeks. This song tears my heart apart and adding on the past few weeks have been crushing my soul.

I finished the song in full out crying mode. No need hiding it anymore everyone can notice by now. Thankfully it was our last song. Immediately I went backstage and leaned against the wall crying deeply from the bottom of my soul. Steve came to my side letting my cry into his chest. "What's wrong? I saw you crying during the song." He asked in his soft tone. I couldn't answer I just cried more and more soaking his shirt in tears. "What happened?" he ran his fingers through my hair.

"Remember our show upstate"

"Yes. The one where you almost killed yourself doing all those stunts"

"Well, that night Flippy and I did coke and had sex"

"Oh"

"And there's more. Awhile ago he woke me up in the middle of the night and told me he loved me. He's supposed to be gay how can he love me? Do I resemble a guy that much?"

"Do you love him back?"

"As friends but nothing more"

"Are you sure?"

"Steve I think I'm pretty fucking sure I don't love Flippy!"

"Ok, calm down I was just asking a fucking question"

"I'm sorry. I just need to be by myself for awhile. Or something away from here"

"You should finish your vacation in Middletown; pick up where you left off for a few weeks."

"I can't just leave the band for that long. We need to do shows"

"We guys can deal with it; I can't see you cry again on stage"

"Thanks" I smiled for once in forever.

I loaded my same one suitcase into the trunk. That one suitcase holds my feelings for everything in the world. Every single emotion one person could feel I stuffed into that suitcase. Making sure to lock it shut.

I don't need them getting out

I was going to go back to Middletown yet again. I needed to finish that well needed vacation up. Steve has given me money for cigarettes and coffee and money for more cigarettes and coffee. He's always a great pal to have.

Rain came pouring down, making it hard to see the road. It was getting on my last nerve. I guess the frustration and anger emotion sneaked out of the locked suitcase and got passed the secure emotion.

I made it through most of the night. Stopping in the wee hours of the morning sleeping in the backseat of the car. Currently it was eight am. As I pulled into the steep driveway of my once home. Parking the car in the graveled area next to the two car garage, the emotions broke out of the suitcase.

After being attacked by feelings I walked up the wide path leading to the front door. First knocking on the door no one had answered. Worried I rang the doorbell. Still no noise. I rang the doorbell furiously.

The door flew open as my half asleep mother occupied the doorway. "What the hell do you want?" she seemed groggy. "Mom it's Emily" I was meek. She pulled her glasses out of her robe pocket. "Oh I'm sorry. You know I'm blind as a bat without these damn things" she stepped outside and hugged me, I admit, I do miss her.

"Come in. I'll make you something" she shuffled to the kitchen. I set my luggage onto the second step of the stairs. "No mom I'll make the food. You can't cook" I pointed to the chair for her to sit in. She obeyed sitting there smiling.

Her cooking might kill you

I got the essentials out to make pancakes. "So why have you come back so unexpectedly?" she asked drinking her ice water she had next to her. "I don't know. It's just been awhile" I mixed the water with pancake mix in a Tupperware bowl. "So how are you doing with life?" she asking still smiling at me. "I'm doing ok" I lied; she would beat the shit out of me if she knew how I was living my pathetic life.

"You've gotten a lot of tattoos since I last saw you. I should ring your neck." She laughed loudly. "Hey you have tattoos too" I poured the batter into the hot pan on the stove. "I can cover mine up. Unlike you with them all over your arms" she sternly said. "Well, look at the new one I got" I showed her the Billy signature tattoo on my wrist. "Emily Rae Pullum" she shook her head in disapproval. "Tracey Lynne Pullum" I mocked her.

Can't a girl who is only twenty two have over a dozen tattoos?

My mother and I sat on the couch, watching Law and Order: SVU, eating the pancakes I had made. I finished my plate quickly. It had been awhile since I actually ate a full meal.

I rinsed my plate off in the sink. "I'm going to lie down. I need sleep" I hugged her before running up the stairs with my suitcase. My room hadn't changed one bit. Well except my mother cleaned it. I missed waking up to this every morning. Instead of a gapping hole in the wall from a fight I had with Mike.

Alarm clocks can cause damages

Throwing my luggage against my dresser I curled up on my old bed. The mismatched blankets and pillow cases missed me. I laid there playing with the hole in the sheet from when Mel was at my house and accidentally dropped a match on a pillow and it went through to the sheet. Thankfully it only made it that far.

Good thing I hadn't finished my sprite

There was a loud screech followed my hisses. I opened my eyes and saw Rumple and Ozzy fighting as usual. I threw a spare pillow at them breaking it up. "God Damn" I murmured rolling over on my side.

They both jumped on my bed begging for attention. Rumple crawled onto my stomach purring loudly. Ozzy just kept nudging my pillow till I pet him. I split affection for both of them.

"Ok let me get up" of course asking them wouldn't work. So I pushed them away from me. Ozzy just rolled to his side, but Rumple ran out of the room.

Getting out of bed I pulled a new outfit out of my suitcase and putting it on. It wasn't the fanciest but who really cares what the fuck I look like.

I grazed my hand across the dresser next to me. It still had all the band stickers and paintings I did on the drawers. I was proud of it. I wish I would have taken it to my new home. So many memories with this dresser.

My cell phone rang interrupting my thoughts.

"Hello?"

"HI!" It was David

"Hi"

"How come you didn't tell me you were here?"

"Because I was going to surprise you" I lied.

"Well, you need to visit me ho"

"Why?"

"You love me that's why!"

"What if I don't love you?"

"That would crush my little heart"

"Fine, I do love you"

"Then you should come over. I'm getting off work soon so you should go to my house and wait for me"

"I guess I could do that"

"Ok. Do you have a key?"

"David, I've had a key for each of your houses since I was seven"

"Just making sure. I'll see you there. You can surprise me"

"Ok. Bye"

"Bye!" He sang.

I slipped my torn up Vans on. They are just barely staying together. I put my leather jacket on stuffing my cell phone in the pocket. To make sure I would be able to live through this I got out the small baggie I brought with coke in it snorting a line off of the AP magazine that I had left her ages ago.

My mother was still asleep, so I left a note telling her I was at David's and that I don't know when I would be home.

You may never make it back fully alive from his house.

When I pulled into the driveway his dog Havok, yes after Davey Havok, ran to my car. As soon as I opened the door he greeted me with kisses.

"Come on Havok" I said grabbing a hold of his collar so he wouldn't run away. He followed me to the door eager to get inside. I unlocked the door and let him run in first. He ran to the kitchen where I gave him a dog treat.

"David?" it sounded like Danny's voice. "No. Emily" Danny appeared from the hallway wearing a towel around his waist and his hair damp. I gazed down at his visible hipbones. "Sorry I thought you were David" he apologized. "It's fine. David should be home soon" I sat on the couch and turned the TV on. This is anyways my third home.

Danny nodded and left the room. It still bothers me that David stole Danny. But what can I do about it?

Nothing that's what

Havok joined me on the couch of loneliness, pathetic ness, and shamefulness. All my emotions arose and I wanted nothing more than to be with Danny.

Damn David farther to Hell than he's already going

My stomach growled furiously at me, I guess I was more hungry than I thought. Usually I would ignore the growls and hunger pains but there were other people around me. Walking to the kitchen I got a glimpse of Danny putting a small shirt on.

Damn David even father from keeping me away from this beautiful creature

There wasn't that much in the refrigerator, just cold pop tarts and Mountain Dew. I needed a beer badly. Searching through the drawers I grasped onto a Heineken. In silver sharpie David had written his hand. Not David's anymore.

Screwing the top off, I made my way back to the couch. Enjoying the beer I had stole from David. My mind was in a fit of rage. All I want to do is yell and scream at David and steal Danny away and live a rock and roll dream. That would never happen though.

Not with my life

I watched Danny walk into the kitchen. Jealousy clouded my mind. Placing my beer on the table I trotted into the kitchen. Danny was getting a Mountain Dew out of the refrigerator.

"Danny?" I whispered. He turned around to face me. I collided my lips with his on impulse. I wanted him to be mine so badly but I couldn't have him. I pulled away quickly. "I'm sorry" I looked away and he didn't respond.

Fuck! I ruined everything

He didn't bear any expressions, just a plain face that crushed me internally and externally.

"I'm home my cheap prostitutes!" David yelled entering the house. Danny left the room and went to David and gave him along passionate kiss. Out of anger I kicked a chair which shook the table.

I stormed out of the kitchen grabbing my beer from the table and walking out the door. "Emily what the fuck!" David chased me out the door. "What David!" I screamed so load it hurt my lungs. It was well needed though. "Why are you leaving? I just got here" David didn't seem to react to the screams at him.

"You want to know why I'm leaving! Let's see because of you! You and your ways of stealing every single guy I think I might have a chance with! Not even once did you ask me if I liked Danny! Not only Danny, you have never asked me that simple damn question my whole life!" I threw my beer bottle; it smashed up against the side of the house.

"So now, I'm going to go home. Smoke a ton of cigarettes and get Flippy to do drugs with me. We'll most likely have sex again and he'll continue to say he loves me. I'll cry for weeks over it. My band will do constant shows making me exhausted. To fix that I'll do more drugs backstage and the process with start all over again. All because of you and your ways of fucking my life up!" I was shaking and crying as I screamed at David.

David stood there staring at me. "Danny could you go home for right now?" He looked back at Danny who was standing in the doorway. Danny nodded and left this turmoil scene in his car.

"Come on. Let's go inside" David came over to me and picking me up in his arms. Since I was in no condition to walk. He took me inside his home.

I finally got out what I have been holding inside for over ten years.

"David take me back home" I demanded as he drove me to a local rehab center. "Emily, it's best" A few nights ago I almost over dosed on heroine. He forced me to stay at his house that night after I broke down, I was upset so I snuck out and bought drugs from my long time dealer. I bought heroine and coke. I couldn't just pick one.

If he hadn't have broke down the door of his bathroom I would have died. An ambulance came and rushed me to the hospital to bring me back to life. Two days later I was released but they suggested to David that I should check into rehab.

And of course he has to listen this time

He led me inside, the vibe it was giving off scared me deeply. We went to the front desk; I looked around at the miserable faces that looked back at me. I do not want to be here. This is not how I wanted to spend my vacation damnet.

"Now this is your room" The overly nice lady said turning the light on to my now room. But this isn't a room.

It's a prison

"Thanks" I faked happiness. I was in direr need of a cigarette. My emotions were all screwed up; I needed at least one of my daily fixes. They took all my belongings from me and checked me into this hell hole that is my residence for three weeks.

"What was your state of mind that night you decided to use heroine" The therapist asked me. "How should I know" I lied; I was as pissed as I could get. I was having major withdraws from every one of my fixes. And I knew it was showing. "There surely has to be a reason" He was so plain and ordinary.

It sickened me

"I just enjoy doing drugs ok" My stomach was doing flips and growling at me. "Well what do you do for a living? It might explain something" He made hand gestures as he talked. I wanted to break off his hands and feed them to hungry wolves.

"I go to college in new Jersey" I rubbed my temples they were throbbing. "Anything else? Do you have a job?" My job is for you to keep your job. "I'm in a band. We play shows and get some money" My hands were shaking. "Are there drugs around those shows?" Is this guy an idiot? Of course there are drugs in the music world. Why do you think they say sex, drugs, and rock and roll?

Sex love it Drugs need it Rock and Roll live it

"Of course you fucking idiot" I spat. "If you weren't in a band do you think you wouldn't be here?" He disregarded my hateful words. "Maybe. Who knows? There are drugs everywhere in this world. Somehow I would end up here. Maybe in a different time period of my life but I would be here"

I stared at the clock on the wall. Two more minutes of this shit. "Because of drugs have you regretted anything?" Of course I regret things. Who hasn't? "Nope" I pulled another lie out for him.

I have many stowed away. Would you like to have one?

I watched as he scribbled things on his clip board. I wanted to beat him with that damn thing and stab him in the eye with his pen. Maybe then I can feel better about being here. He glanced down at his fancy wrist watch. "Our times up for today. Be back tomorrow" I high tailed it out of that room.

I ran up the stairs and into my room. It's only been three days how am I supposed to last another eighteen days here?

There was a knock at my door. I stood up to open it but the older lady just opened it and barged in. "This is your room sweetheart" A shy girl walked into my room. "Mary meet Emily" Mary half waved at me before putting her bag on her bed. The older lady left the room and closed the door behind her.

"Hi" I greeted. "Hello" Replied Mary with a small voice. "Don't be scared of me I won't kill you" I tried to make her feel better. All I got out of Mary was a meek laugh. I watched as she unpacked her things and organized them neatly. She had a wide variety of books set up on the shelf.

Nerd. I like her

"So why are you here Mary?" I was curious of her reasoning's of being in this hell hole. "Alcoholic. What about you?" She cocked her head to the side. "Everything" I laughed but Mary didn't. "My friend dropped me off here and I'm here for another eighteen days till I 'get better'. They should just let me out of here because everyone knows that once I'm in the spotlight again I'll just go back to drugs and shit" Mary nodded her head and then went back to unpacking.

I sighed and lay on my bed. I wanted to be back home. Not home as in Middletown or New Jersey. Home as in onstage in front of people doing what I love.

That's my home

Day ten I sat in a room with about twenty other people. They were going over the effects of doing drugs and drinking alcohol can do to a person. I would just chuckle and leaned back in my chair. I'd shoot myself before I got that ugly. Jars went around the room of different body parts that were affected. I felt like I was going to puke, organs go inside your body where you don't see them not in jars passed around a room.

John Doe wouldn't appreciate his organs being passed around a room.  

When the jar would get to me I would pass it to the next person not even looking. This meeting is making me want to run to the next bar and drink straight up vodka and smoke five packs of cigarettes.

God damn how long can a meeting go on. Two hours now of nonsense gibbering. I wanted to bash everyone's heads in with my bare hands. Or make them eat the organs out of the jar.

Dinners served

The older lady that showed me my room came up to me and tapped my shoulder. "You have a call Ms. Pullum" I shuddered at her saying my last name. I followed her to the front desk where she handed me the phone. "Hello" I tried to sound polite but it wasn't working.

"How you doing in there babe? David told us he sent you there" Flippy laughed.

"Save me from this place"

"I wish I could" I heard yelling in the background.

"Am I on speakerphone?"

"Of course" I heard a bunch of people yell Hi followed by vaguer comments.

Men

"Does anyone understand that I'm just going to go back to my habits? It's a waste of time being here. This is supposed to be my vacation"

"I'm scared to see you in what state of well being you're in right now"

"Hey bitch ass" I heard Mike yell me.

"Hi Mike"

"If I can I'll bring you some cigarettes and new music. I've found some cool new bands. Remember Davey and Jade"

"You mean my sex slaves"

He chuckled. "They made a side project. Blaqk Audio. Techno dance shit, I know you'll like it"

"I don't have my iPod they took it from me"

"That's shit. Well here's Flippy back"

"Hi" Flippy made a grunting noise.

The older lady was glaring at me. "I have to go. Please come by sometime. I'm lonely" The guys at my home yelled goodbye to me and then I hung-up the phone.

In a better mode I almost seemed to skip back to the meeting room. The meeting had ended and people were standing in groups talking among themselves. I leaned against the wall waiting for the officials to let us go to our rooms.

I spotted a coffee machine. Finally something I love. I walked over to it and picked up a Styrofoam cup pouring one of my addictions into it. It was so bitter it made me feel fantastic. Before they released us I had about four cups of my innocent poison.

Add some whiskey and we're in business

Day eleven was small group meeting. There's always meeting going on here. It's crazy. This therapist was one I could stand. She didn't make me shake. We had to go around the room and talk about ourselves. I dreaded my turn and it was coming fast.

"Emily your turn" The therapist spoke softly. I stood up because it's required. "I'm Emily" The therapist was waiting for me to say it. I hated this stupid sentence more than Brian now. "And I'm a drug and alcohol addict" Those words made my organs want to break out of my body.

"Go on" What else do they want to know? You know my name and that's all you really need to know. "I'm twenty four. I go to Art College in New Jersey. I'm in a band called Abstract Glam and we might get signed soon" I sat down. They know enough now.

What I'm willing to admit

After the meeting I took a nap. It was the only way I could handle myself here. I was awakened by the old lady again. "You have visitors" I shot up out of bed. Knowing I was going to get my craving fulfilled.

I went downstairs and was greeted by Flippy and Mike. I hugged them tightly missing my friends deeply. "Are you allowed outside?" Mike asked nudging my side. "Yeah this way" I was excited knowing what I was receiving.

They followed me out the back to the walkway which went around the woods. We quickly walked down the path to a place far enough to where no one could see us. "Give me" I demanded.

Mike unzipped his pants and pulled a pack of cigarettes out of them. I usually would care that they were on his crotch but right now I could care less. I opened the pack and he had put a lighter in it for me. "I love you" I pulled a cigarette out along with the lighter.

I love anyone that gives me my daily fixations

Mike and Flippy each took a cigarette and smoked outside with me. My senses calmed and my brain stopped throbbing for once. I could actually say I was happy while being here.

"Oh and listen to this" Flippy got his iPod out and handed me an ear phone. Techno music blasted through causing a surge to go through my body of enjoyment. I took the other earphone to get the full enjoyment of music.

Davey's voice greeted my ears and I grinned widely. Slowly I started to dance to the music. The beats of the music decided to speed things up. I started dancing around just being crazy knowing that I wouldn't be able to do this the rest of my time here.

Flippy took the earphones away. I snarled at him for doing that evil act.

He should be punished for that crime

"I brought you something else also" Flippy pulled a baggie out of his pocket filled with a white powdery substance. "I love you more" I took it from him and put some of it on my hand and snorted it quickly.

"I needed this badly" I grinned as the cocaine went through my system. "We know" Mike laughed before taking the baggie from me and snorting some. I finished my cigarette putting it out on the bottom of my shoe. Immediately I got another out and started smoking it.

Chain smoker

With the cigarette pressed against my lips I snorted some more of the sweet substance. Not too much though, I don't want to get caught. "When you get out of here we need to start doing shows again before people forget about us" said Mike. "Alright. When I get home I want someone waiting for me in my bed naked. I want him to have every drug possible with him and in reach and if you can be sure he's Finnish" They laughed at me.

I was serious though

"David when are you going to pick me up?" I asked in the phone.

"When you're released"

"But what time so I know when to get my ass up"

"Two. I get off work at eleven so that gives me time to get you"

"Ok when I get back to your house I have to go back home in New Jersey ok"

"Alright I'll come get you tomorrow" Without saying goodbye he hung up. What got his man thong in a bunch?

I handed the phone back to the receptionist and skipped up to my room. Tonight was my last night here and I was thankful. I've had enough of this dreadful place. All the weird smells and white rooms are draining me of my life and energy.

My rock and roll energy. Wow that was corny

What was left in my room I started to pack into my duffel bag so I didn't have to waste anymore time here tomorrow. I will sleep in till one fifty nine and when David comes I can just zoom on out of here.

I went into the bathroom and gathered the last things I needed besides my tooth brush and toothpaste. I studied the girl in the mirror. "I guess this is what I look like sober. Shitty" I ruffled my hair to add volume. "We all look like shit" I heard Mary say as the door opened.

"It happens" I simply replied. "You getting ready to leave?" She must have noticed my absence of items scattered about the room. "I can't wait to get out of here. I hope I get a party when I get back to Jersey. If not I'll have one by myself" So many nights of lonely drinking.

Those were the days that I can't wait to get back into

Mary entered the bathroom and stood by the shower. "You're a really cool person" She smiled sweetly. "I'm not that cool. All I do is get fucked up and say shit" We laughed air heartedly. "No you are cool. There's not that many people I know like you which seems cool to me" I was flattered but I must not show it.

"Then you have never been in a band. Or hung out with a group of guys for an outdated time. I'm really just a female guy if that makes sense" She nodded her head telling me she understood. "What kind of band are you in?" She seemed interested in what type of music I play.

I like her more

I started to make a failed attempt of brushing my hair. "Glam rock I suppose" I added suppose to throw her off the fact that I actually think about this answer often. "Sounds good" She added, she fell for it. "I'm the only girl so it gets hard. That's probably why I act like such a guy since all my friends seem to be guys where I live now"

Emily: Gender..?

"I wish I had friends like that. All my friends don't act like friends" Her voice was so plain it made me shiver in my skin. "Then get new ones. If they don't treat you like a friend don't be friends" I finished trying to brush my hair and threw my hairbrush into my duffel bag also. "It's too hard" Mary must be the shy girl that no one thinks is 'cool'.

I was once that. One night I decided to throw some black eyeliner on and chop most of my hair off. Maybe that's all Mary needs is some dark makeup and less hair. "Would you want me to bring you new confidence?" I asked sweetly. She grinned and shook her head up and down quickly.

For I thought I was packing my things up but that was just a waste of time because they all spilled back out onto the bathroom floor. I pulled out my makeup baggie of what they hadn't confiscated. I did an exact replica of my stage makeup the best I could on Mary. "How am I going to cut your hair I don't have scissors" I searched through my bag trying to find something to substitute.

I'm going to cut your hair with nail clippers ok?

Silently Mary got up and went to her bag and brought back a razor. I knew what it was for but I didn't ask her. It's her body and if she wants to cut it up I'm not going to stop her. She might go deeper if I tell her not to.

Trying not to slice my finger open I cut off chunks of her flowing blond red hair. Soon the bathroom floor was covered in bundles of hair trying to swallow my feet. Her hair was short and choppy now. I also gave her bangs that shaped her face better. Somewhat frightened Mary got up from the chair and looked into the mirror. Her face lit up and she started to touch her hair.

"It's so short but I like it" I saw her confidence level rise. "Good. Now are you ready to find new friends?" I asked handing her back the razor. "Yes" She threw the razor into the trashcan. I guess she doesn't need that friend anymore also.

Good Mary

"David!" I squealed engulfing him into a hug. "Hello. Feel better?" he asked hugging my body tighter. I got up on my toes and put my lips to his ear. "No I need a fucking cigarette and a Jack Daniels" I kissed his neck softly. He laughed letting go of me only to go to the front desk to check me out.

After that long process I stepped outside and for once in forever I was outside. Really outside, in the world again. David carried my bag to the car and threw it into the trunk. I went to get into the passenger seat but someone was already there. "Hi Danny" I tried to sound cheerful. He waved slightly not even saying a word to me.

Prick

I got into the backseat and was welcomed by the fresh smell of cigarettes, vomit, and sex. "Someone had a quickie. What did you two get here early and decide to fuck instead of getting me out of that fucking brainwashing environment" David laughed at my joke but Danny stayed quiet.

Did the prick take a vow of silence?

David pulled into the nearest gas station and gave me thirty dollars to go spends. I bought two packs of cigarettes, a naked chick lighter, and a bottle of Jack Daniels. I was getting a craving for Jack.

With the deadly items in a flimsy plastic bag I ran back out to the car and of course David can't keep his hormones quiet and was almost on top of Danny in the front seat.

Just ruin my day

With a flicker of anger I opened the car door and slammed it shut. Without saying a word they split apart and David started to drive back to the highway. Ripping open the pack I started to smoke with a rapid pace. I have to get two weeks and six days worth of nicotine in my system.

"Nice um lighter?" David looked in the rear view mirror at me. "The guy thought I was a lesbian" I started to laugh at myself. "She's pretty though" I held it up for him to see. David took a glance and rolled his eyes. With four cigarettes smoked I got the bottle of Jack out. Oh how it felt so good going down.

Hello friend

I started laughing at how David's hair parts. "It's like a straight side part in the back what the hell David?" I hiccupped. "Emily I don't even part my hair" He laughed at me. "Oh my bad" I couldn't get my lighter to work. "Danny be a friend and help me out" I handed him the naked girl lighter and he flicked it on for me.

I laid in the backseat with half a bottle of Jack and a pack of cigarettes left. "You are not driving home by yourself. I'll call Mike to get you and someone else can drive your car" David had a constant watch on me from the rear view mirror.

Stalker

My body laid in the backseat with my feet propped up on the window. "I'm going to have a strip party when I get home. It's been so long since I had some it's killing my soul" I clutched my shirt over my heart. "Don't get too overwhelmed" David laughed turning a sharp corner. We're getting close to home.

But where is home really?

I threw my hands in the air before taking a gulp of the fiery liquid. "If you guys weren't gay I would so have fucked one of you on this car ride" My mouth was saying whatever came to mind.

Danny let out a grunting noise of disapproval. I know it was a disapproval of me. "Bitch don't grunt at me. If it wasn't for me being nice you would've never known David!" I shot him evil looks and hoped it hurt. "You're drunk" He finally said something to me. "He speaks!" I hiccupped again while laughing.

My hands gripped onto a now three fourths empty bottle of Jack Daniels. I don't even think I could fit anymore in my stomach. My body was paralyzed I couldn't feel a thing. This is what I've needed for three weeks without this wonderful feeling.

Someone removed the Jack Daniels from my hand because I was holding air. "Fuck" I murmured followed by a giggle. "Come on babe" Hands started touching my skin. "A little lower" I laughed trying to take my shirt off but my fingers couldn't grip the fabric.

I was lifted into the air and carried inside a dark room. "Is this the torture room if so bring on the whips and chains!" I wanted someone to love tonight.

And for the rest of my life

My eyes were heavy when my frail body touched the mattress. "Don't pass out bitch" I scolded myself but as my body never wants to do what I say decided to shut down.

Fuck you too

I woke up in a car, which isn't too surprising. "Morning starshine" Mike's chipper voice filled the car. "Fuck off" I light heartedly threatened. "Oh don't be sour especially to a man that just got us a couple more shows" Oh he's really a man? "When?" I asked trying to stretch my limps. "In four days. Then for the next five days after that is constant shows" Mike seems to be very upbeat this morning. Or wait is it morning?

"So what did they do to you in that fuck job of a place?" Oh how many stories do I have but I don't want to relive those days right now. "Horrible enough to make me not care that I smoked cigarettes that were up against your dick" Mike started laughing to the point where no sound was coming out just gasps for air. Slowly he gained composure again. "Yeah that did worry me slightly" He switched lanes on the road.

He should be worried about other things

I felt the lump in my throat start to grow, I hated that feeling but it was like my bodies way of saying 'Hey I'm going to throw your stomach out of you ok'. "Hey can you pull over I'm getting the feeling like I'm going to throw my organs up" He sighed and pulled the dingy car over in the sidelines of the highway. I opened the door and leaned out the side just waiting for the joy of puking my organs out everywhere.

And the show began, for a solid two minutes I continuously threw up everything in my stomach. The lump decreased and I was able to think again. I wiped my mouth on my knee before shifting my body back into the car. "I'm good now except I got organ juice on my pants. Well" I undid my pants and took them off without hesitation.

Enjoy

"Thank God you're wearing underwear because I know I would be pulled over then instead of any other time" I saw Mike taking secret glances at me. "Yeah" I bundled my pants up and threw them into the backseat.

"Dip shit" I heard someone mutter. I spun around quickly and Flippy was sleeping in the back. "How long have you been there?" I wasn't aware there was someone else in the car even though I don't mind at all.

He rolled over facing away from me. "Awhile now" He murmured trying to ignore my voice from attacking his ears fiercely. Being myself I climbed into the backseat through the small space in between the driver and passenger seat. I started to crawl on top of Flippy. "No Emily" He tried to resist. I flipped him over to startle him. Mike watched in the rear view mirror.

Mike= Pervert

I grabbed onto his wrists tightly. "I've been away for three weeks without getting anything so you" He stopped my speaking with a kiss. I missed the feeling I get in my stomach. Either my organs trying to get out or the fact that I missed lips touching mine.

"No sex in the backseat please" Mike sarcastically said pointing a finger at us. "Ok" he didn't say anything else. I turned Flippy's face to me again and collided our lips trying to fill the hole in my heart.

His nails scratched down my back. I was addicted to his scratched and bites I needed them mixed in with my daily fixes. "I like what happens when Emily's pants come off" He smirked "I like better when your pants come off"

You have more to offer

"Hey hey no sex" Mike's voice tried to interfere with my fun time. "What do you want some?" I laughed into the kiss on Flippy's exposed neck. "Maybe" behind the sarcasm I saw the truth.

It's always been there

Let's just say that the back seat scene didn't end in the back seat it soon moved onto Flippy's bedroom. Finally I could feel satisfied with something since being home. "I missed you" Flippy said as I pulled a large t shirt over my small framed body. "I missed you too" Ew we sound like a couple.

Flippy pulled on my arm to give me no choice but sit back down on the bed. "I hope you don't go back there because it's been hell here without you" He pecked my lips softly before letting go of my arm.

"Lots of drinks for this girl right here. Our guitarist Emily!" Mike yelled to our fans. First show since rehab and it's nice to be back. I sold myself to the crowd in the name of music. I practically groped Dan onstage and he wasn't complaining.

Dan never complains

I fell over five times. First time over my effects pedals, second on a loose cord, third over my own feet, fourth over my own feet trying to get up from falling over my feet, and finally fifth I did a jump kick off Steve's drum set almost kicking him in the face. Thankfully they love me.

Several people bought me drinks and practically shoved them down my throat. I let them. I'm on day three of trying to make up for lost alcohol and drugs.

"Emily" I knew that raspy voice. "Joe!" I leaped onto him, his chubby arms wrapped around me. "So how's Emily feeling tonight?" He asked placing me onto the ground. "Well I could use some drugs in my system Joe Joe" Only I call him that.

He's a druggie's best friend

He chuckled and led me backstage to the room we all know and love. If I could I would live in that room for the rest of my life. Opening the door the smell of pot filled my lungs. "What are you in the mood for?" He asked as we walked to his file cabinets each drawer labeled a different drug.

I pondered for a second. What am I in the mood for tonight? I scratched my chin. "Maybe some acid. I haven't had that since I got out of rehab" He turned around to the third file cabinet. He knew each drawer by memory.

And so do I

Joe pulled a baggie out and I got my wallet out of my back pocket. "No keep your money this is a welcome back from rehab present form me Em." He handed me the baggie full of multi colored pills.

I lunged forward and hugged him because I was low on money anyways. He kissed my cheek like he always does before I leave this room. If he wasn't always getting in trouble with the law I would date him.

And not just for the drugs

"You are so fucked up" Steve laughed also on an acid trip, me and him were on the ride together. "Shut up and kiss me bastard" I launched myself onto him knocking him against other people on the couch. "Free porn!" Someone cheered as Steve and mines lips were locked, tongues wrestling.

This is the first time I have made out with Steve. I never considered him a potential option but now he's on my top list. His lips move expertly as so do his hands. I was wanting a Finnish man in my bed tonight but a scrawny, white as paper, hidden sex fiend in my bed tonight.

And that's not all

In the middle of Steve and I having some fun Flippy walks in and throws a scene. "Flippy go the fuck away unless you are joining" A simple joke turned into Flippy ripping his shirt off and attacking Steve's lips. I was astonished of what was happening next to me.

Instead of seeing Flippy and Steve I saw David and Danny

I couldn't handle this situation. The fact that David has Danny still hurts and as Steve and Flippy practically fucking each other on my bed. No matter what I kept seeing David all over Danny. If only he knew how much it hurt.

Without disturbing them I got out of my bed and into the kitchen with only my underwear on. No one else is here so who really cares. And even if people were here they wouldn't stop me.

The acid was still going through my blood stream. All I wanted to do was dance and be onstage again in front of a crowd that adores me. I started to sing to myself as I poured myself a glass of water. As I sang to myself the song played through my mind. "If you feel like dying you might want sing" I did the malevolent laugh like how Bert does in the song.

Or was I doing it to go along with the song?

I fell asleep on the couch because I was afraid to go in my room at the moment. I thought Steve was straight but you never know or all the drugs made he go gay for Flippy. Maybe they will hook up for some reason and I can get out of the loop of sleeping with Flippy.

"Emily good God put a shirt on!" I heard Dan and Mike yell to me. I opened my eyes and Mike threw me a shirt. "No I refuse!" I threw it to the floor. There were some grunts of disapproval.

Sighing I picked up Mike's shirt and put it on. The only reason I know it's Mike's is because I bought him that shirt for his birthday. His twenty fourth birthday when we were dating.

But not for long

"Come on we're going to go get some food at the Chinese place so get some pants on at least" Dan helped me up. I noticed Flippy and Steve weren't in the room. That means they are still in my room.

First I tip toed to my room but gave up on that. They ruined my night so why should I be considered it they were asleep.

Or fucking

Locked, well there's only one way to solve this. With my right foot I kicked the door open. It fell off one of the hinges and Steve and Flippy stirred but didn't awaken from their dreaming. My closet was a disaster so I just picked up either Steve's or Flippy's pants and slipped it onto my legs.

I exited my room not before spitting on them. Rude I know but they fucked in my bed. If I'm not involved in the act then Flippy at least knows to not to use my bed. "I'm ready" Despite the fact that I didn't brush my hair, brush my teeth, or put deodorant on.

When you're with a bunch of guys the smell just mixes with theirs

Dan drove Mike and I to the local Chinese restaurant. "Why isn't Steve coming?" Dan asked. "He's in my bed with Flippy" I hissed. "We all knew he was hiding in the closet" Mike laughed loudly. "Don't you need a shirt?" I asked touching Mike's bare chest. Mike hit his forehead and reached behind the seat and pulled out one of my tight green stripped. Shirts. "This will have to do" He pulled it onto his torso. He looked nice.

Mike always looks nice  

Arriving at the Chinese restaurant we went to the front booth and waited to be seated. "May I help you?" A short blond haired lady asked. I thought only Chinese people worked in Chinese restaurants. Maybe she's the bosses bitch. "We're expecting someone she might already be here" Mike told her. "What?" I asked but no one answered me.

"I think I know who you might be talking about she looks like you guys. Follow me" the waitress led us to a table that had a red and blond haired girl with it spiked all over the place. "Yeah that's her" Mike smiled sweetly at the girl. "Who?" I was becoming angry at the fact they didn't tell me we were meeting someone.

"Emily meet Tara" The girl named Tara looked up at me with her chocolate brown eyes. "Hi" Her voice sounded manly. "Hi" I murmured shaking her extended hand. I didn't like her already.

And I never will

Dan, Mike, and I told the waitress our drink orders before sitting down. They forced me to sit next to Tara. They just want me to suffer. "So are you Mike's new girlfriend?" I asked jokingly. "No I'm your new guitarist" I almost choked on air.

"You're replacing me!" I punched Mike in the arm with all the force I had. "No no no! We just thought that it would be nice to have another guitarist added on" Mike rubbed his arm. "Did I have a say in this?!" Dan inched closer to the edge of his seat. "We decided on this when you were in rehab" Dan explained softly.

I crosses my arms glaring at Tara. "It would have been nice to get a call. And fuck Mike you and Flippy came to visit me. I don't think you had that much coke in your system to forget!"

"We thought we would surprise you" Dan was answering instead of Mike. Mike knows he shouldn't talk to me when I'm angry. I couldn't believe they were doing this. Yeah I complained about being the only girl but God damn I didn't think they would get another girl. I wanted to be the only guitarist in this band. Fuck Tara.

Tara looked timid of me. She should from now on I will do everything in my power to make sure she lives in Hell for being in my band.

It's already Hell

"You went to rehab?" No fucking duh. "Yeah. You should go sometime" I hissed. "Emily don't be pissed" Mike finally spoke. "I have every right to be pissed. So fuck all of you I'm leaving" I tried to get Mike to move out of his side of the booth. None of them would budge. "Fuck" I climbed up on the seat and walked across the table jumping off the side.

None of them moved from their seat and I was glad. I could have taken Dan's car but it was a stick shift. So I walked, it was stifling hot out and was burning my skin. I then realized that it was over a five mile walk back to home. "Damnet just my luck" I stopped walking on the side of the road and stuck my thumb out.

Any takers?

Finally a car stopped and let me in. I opened the passenger seat and sat down. "Thank you" I said turning to a girl with shoulder length almost black hair. "Hey you're in one of my classes" I recognized her from my Art History class. "Yeah that's why I picked you up. If you don't remember I'm Rachel" She was always the shy but hyper active one in the class.

"I remember. I'm Emily" I put my seat belt on since she had hers. "Yeah you always get in trouble for talking" She giggled softly. "I just speak my mind" It was true I talked maybe too much but when we were learning something and it didn't seem correct I would ask our teacher which caused us to fight because he says I 'talk back'

"So where do you live?" She asked. "Well I just got in a fight about my band so you can drop me off at a bar or something because I don't want to go back home yet" I said as she switched lanes swiftly. "It's not good to get drunk" She must be an anti me.

Which is a good thing. No one should be like me

I chuckled. "I know but I need it tonight. So do you think you Hubby's Bar?" I asked politely. "Yeah it's on the way" Her smile made me feel like she didn't want to take me there but even though I know she's a nice girl I really don't care right now. I just need some drinks and talk to my beer buddies.

Rachel dropped me off at the front of Hubby's Bar, the biker bar that got sold to a punk rock group of guys. The owner Ska owns a few venues and bands get discounts. So that is why I go there because the beer is cheap and the party is never over.

Pushing the door open I was greeted by Doug and his wife Beth. They were the grandparents of rock to me. Obviously over fifty but never got past the age of twenty. They treat everyone as their grandchildren and never stop loving us.

If only my grandparents were like them

"I haven't seen you in so long Emily" Beth hugged me tightly. "Rehab" I kissed her makeup covered cheek. "Dougie's been there many times" She patted his beer belly. "Damn straight. Now give me a hug Em" I let go of Beth and hugged Doug.

"Well go say hi to the rest" Doug patted my back pointing to the pool table. I grinned seeing Paul, Dave, Lena, and Noelle playing pool. I jogged over there and sat on the pool table preventing Noelle from taking a shot. "Get the fuck off before I beat your ass!" She hasn't changed. "You know I would beat you!" She looked up at me and screamed.

She tackled me onto the pool table. "I missed my drinking friend" She kissed my lips because that's how she always is with everyone. She's a lesbian and tries to get me to date her.

And what's sad is I've considered it.

After a chain of hugs they asked me to join them in the fun game of pool. They must have forgotten that I kick major ass at this game. Growing up with a pool table in the basement and writers block you have plenty of time.

"Can I have a piggy back ride Paul?" I asked batting my two day old massacred eyes. "Sure thing my dear" He crouched down and let me jump onto his back. Ever since I had met this fellow I always get piggy back rides from him.

Which isn't the only thing sometimes

Paul carried me around the pool table a few times until it was my turn to shoot. I picked up my purple pool stick that I had claimed and looked around the table for the perfect shot. We didn't have teams so it was a free for all. The five and three ball were right next to the right corner pocket.

Or Pudget pocket to Tori and I

"You have to buy me a beer guys I don't have any money cause my wallets in my pants and these aren't mine" I said after we finished our game of pool. Which I beat them all at might I add. Lena bumped her hip against mine. "Who's guys are these then?"

I laughed as Dave handed me a beer bottle. "Not sure. Flippy and Steve fucked in my bed so it's either one of theirs" Everyone laughed knowing who Flippy and Steve were.

Everyone knows who they are  

"They're gay?" Noelle asked doing a shot. "We all know Flippy is and I suppose Steve is but who knows" I got a cigarette out and lit it before offering my pack to the group. Everyone took one and passed the naked girl lighter around.

I excused myself from the group to go to the bathroom and like all girls Lena and Noelle followed me into the run down women's restroom. I put some water into my hands and then ran it through my hair and teased the top to add volume.

Noelle was putting on cherry red lipstick in the mirror while Lena used the restroom. "So who's that new girl of Mike's?" Noelle asked as she wiped off the stray away lipstick. I suppose she's talking about Tara.

I once was Mike's new girl

I snorted. "Tara and you know what else she's a new addition to Abstract Glam she's the new guitarist. Fucking bitch!" I threw my hands in the air waving them around. Lena pulled the stall door quickly making the back hit against the wall. "What?" She seemed just as surprised as me.

"Yeah while I was in rehab they thought it was a "good idea" to add a new guitarist. I bet the only reason she's in the band is because she's sleeping with Mike" I wanted to punch her to death. "She's not even pretty and she was a prostitute when she was younger" Lena gossiped.

Prostitute means to offer somebody or yourself for sexual intercourse or other sex acts in exchange for money. Which in basic terms means me I'm just not getting paid

Noelle handed her lipstick to me. "I wouldn't even touch that skank" And that's saying a lot for Noelle. I applied the lipstick and then handed it to Lena who applied it slowly. "What are you going to do?" The award winning question.

I fixed my hair again in the mirror. "I really don't know" Little did I know that behind my back they signed a record deal and failed to mention that we were going to be starting on a real debut record.

"We were going to tell you at the Chinese restaurant I swear but you ran off and got shit faced" Mike sat on my bed. "All of that in one fucking day!" I screamed. "Emily a lot of things happened when you were gone and I know you're mad but we still want you to be in the band and everything" Mike folded the clothes that were on my bed.

I paced back in forth in my room. "I don't like Tara Mike why did you let her be in the band?" I was at the point of tears. "To be honest I don't like her that much either but she is an awesome guitarist like Synaster Gates awesome"

He used to call me that awesome  

Tears fell onto my hands as I cried. "You used to call me that awesome Mike" He then realized he had said the wrong thing. "I didn't mean it like that. Emily you are awesome it's just" He had no words to explain.

"It's fine. Maybe it's best that we have another guitarist" I was pulling lies out of my pockets trying to make Mike happy.

Never to make myself happy

"Emily you aren't doing it right" Tara hissed. I wanted to punch her right in her disgusting. I clenched my teeth together. "Then how should I do it?" I asked almost throwing my guitar at her. "Hey no fighting!" Mike has had to say this for the hundredth time in the studio. With the money we make at shows we rent out a studio to make our record.

Tara placed my guitar on the ground. "I can't work with her!" She pointed her finger at me. "Well you need to because we're in a band together and bands have to WORK TOGETHER!!!!" Mike had lost it.

He never had it

Tara stormed out of the studio almost breaking the door as she slammed it shut. "Good now I can work in peace" I picked my Westone Electra up and started strumming away like how I always did.

Without Tara there

"We need Tara though!" Mike punched the wall and Dan moved away from Mike. "No we don't because I hated her she is such a bitch and you even said it yourself that you didn't like her!" I started to tune down my strings to D for the song.

Mike came closer to me. "It's not about liking each other it's about putting out an awesome record and kicking ass!" As he spoke spit flew out of his mouth. "I thought it was about being friends and having a good time like it used to be" I retorted.

I guess not

"Let's just go for the day. We all need to sort things out in our minds" Steve suggested. We all agreed and left the studio. Sometimes I think it's not even worth it to be in Abstract Glam anymore. All we do is fight and complain.

Like before

After a few days of not seeing each other we had a band meeting at Steve's house. All of us sat as far away as possible. Tara was the last to arrive like always being two hours late and getting off of a hangover.

"Ok it seems like we can't stop fighting" Mike broke the silence. "Emily's a snotty bitch" Tara snorted. I didn't fight back this time I didn't have the strength. "I've been thinking that maybe one of us has to go" Mike strummed his fingers on his leg.

Finally 

v"Good get rid of the bitch" I laughed. "By bitch you mean you" Mike coughed. "What!" I stood up. "Well you don't get along with Tara at all and she is a better guitarist and it would be best for the band" I couldn't believe what he was saying to me.

"But we started the band together. Did you even ask Steve or Dan?" Steve and Dan shook their heads no. "Do you guys want me to leave!?" I turned to them they just shrugged their shoulders. "You have been bitchy lately" Steve said softly.

Who wouldn't be a bitch with Tara around

I punched Steve in the mouth. He fell back onto the sofa and held his mouth in pain. "When you realize you're making a mistake and kick Tara out then call me but before then don't even talk to my face!" I grabbed my leather jacket and dodged out of Steve's house and got into my car.

I sped out of the driveway and down the street to my house. I don't want to go there. I have no where to go anymore. Home here has Flippy there who wants me for sex. Home in Middletown has my depressed mother. The only place that could be home was David's but lately that hasn't been home.

I really don't even know why I'm still here. I'm out of school so why haven't I moved on to find a new home.

"Nothing from nowhere I am nothing at all" this is true now

I went to my apartment and no one was home. But not for long. There was a knock at the door and I chose to ignore it till it turned to profuse pounding. I opened the door and David was there. "Why are you here. How did you even know where I lived?" I was crying so my words were hard to understand.

"Did you kiss Danny?" he asked. "Is that all you are here for. And yes I did but it was nothing he didn't even do anything back so why should you care it's not like you slept with my ex boyfriends!" I went to slam the door but David made his way inside.

Damn his skinniness

David hugged me tightly but I pushed him away. "David just go I don't want to see anyone now."; "Danny broke up with me and he said he was thinking of you" He stood there depressed

"Well I'm sorry for fucking your life up!" I pushed him. "What's your problem I thought you would be happy!" He pushed me back. "I just got kicked out f my band ok I have every single fucking right to be mad! That band was my life support and it's gone. I was replaced by a bitch and now I have no reason to live!" I fell to my knees crying against the couch.

David knelt next to me. "You have reasons to live so don't say that" He scratched my back lovingly. "David you don't understand the only reason I haven't committed suicide is because of Abstract Glam I could be myself and had all the drugs in the world to help me along"

All the fans, the praise, the drugs, the sex, the life

His hands cupped my face as I cried my soul out on the floor. "You can start a new band" He said looking into my eyes. "I can't that was my band I claimed it as my own. I started it with Mike and now I'm nothing." My body shook violently. "You will get through this"

I sat in my room for the second week in a row. I haven't spoken to anyone. No one wishes to speak to me. Flippy told me to get out of the house in a month and it was coming to an end.

I was coming to an end

On my bed I got my notebook out and favorite pen and began to write.

"Goodbye everyone. I'm sorry that I am gone but there was nothing else for me to do with my life. I'm sorry to my mother because I know this isn't how she wanted her baby to go, just like her father. But I can't keep living this way. I lost my home, my band, my dignity. I was once happy but that was taken away form me. I wasn't the best person and I guess karma was just catching up to me. I cheated everyone out, I did drugs, fucked almost all my friends. That's not the kind of girl that should be living life. I'm sorry to David because I have been friends with you for my whole life. But were you really my friend? More than 99% of the time we hated each other because of the ways you would fuck with my life. You hurt me when you stole my friends and boyfriends. You hurt me stealing Danny away before I even had a chance. I'm sorry to Flippy because he had to live with me and I took advantage of him in so many ways. I hope everyone knows that I am sorry in different ways but I'm not sorry to the remaining members of Abstract Glam you guys were my life support and you took that away from me all because I didn't like Tara who you added when I was away at rehab. You didn't even tell me about her and then sprung it up. I hate all of you for doing that. Of course I'm jealous because you guys are going on without me but yet again I'm glad because now you can fail without me there to stunt my way to your stardom. My death is because of you. I hope you feel so much guilt for what you have done and I hope you rot in Hell. Love Emily the ex guitarist of Abstract Glam"

I put my pen down crying more staining the pages of my writing. Today is the day that I leave this earth and never return. I ripped the notebook pages out and folded them neatly next to me.

I put on my old stage outfit and did my stage makeup. I want to look pretty when I die. I had one last coffee, watched one last Law and Order: SVU, listened to my favorite Good Charlotte song. Nothing fancy but things that meant to me.

Shaking legs I went to my room and closed the door behind me and walked in darkness to my bed. I opened my nightstand and got out the hand gun I bought off the street a few days ago.

I had been planning

Whole body shaking I held the gun to my head. I was having second thoughts but second thoughts mean nothing anymore. "I loved you all in ways you will never know" I whispered before pulling the trigger.

Lights out

Flippy found me in minutes with a bullet through my head. The ambulance came but there was no hope. I was gone forever. The morgue whisked me away. I had always wished it that way growing up.

My mother cried and went insane and was checked into a mental hospital for having hallucinations of seeing me in front of her.

David never was the same. He became a hermit never exiting his home. Nights crying over the fact that his Emily was gone.

Tori and Mel couldn't believe the fact that I was gone. My body on the cold table was their answers.

Danny read the suicide note and wishes that he had noticed me earlier. Thinking maybe he could have saved me.

Brian was happy I was gone because I meant nothing to him and I was glad for that.

Mike, Dan, and Steve felt like shit for what they had caused. And what was so bad about me dying was that they had kicked Tara out of the band and were going to ask me to be in Abstract Glam again.

At the funeral there were tears. Tears of sadness and joy. My death effected every person there some how. As I was buried six feet under Mike sang softly to himself the song he had associated me with for so long. Ever since he heard it playing on a cd. He thought of me. He now knows why. 

We hold in our hearts the sword and the faith Swelled up from the rain, clouds move like a wraith Well after all, we'll lie another day And through it all, we'll find some other way To carry on through cartilage and fluid And did you come to stare or wash away the blood? Well tonight, well tonight Will it ever come? Spend the rest of your days rocking out Just for the dead Well tonight Will it ever come? I can see you awake anytime, in my head Did we all fall down? Did we all fall down? Did we all fall down? Did we all fall down? From the lights to the pavement From the van to the floor From backstage to the doctor From the Earth to the morgue, morgue, morgue, morgue Well tonight Will it ever come? Spend the rest of your days rocking out Just for the dead Well tonight Will it ever come? I can see you awake anytime in my head All fall down Well after all...

He approached the grave that two men were filling with new soil. "I miss you Emily. I'm sorry for doing this awful thing to you. I loved you and I feel like you will never leave my heart" Tears filled his eyes as he thought of how different life will be without his Emily there. She was his even if they weren't a couple.

The men finished filling the grave and threw some grass seed on top of the dirt. Mike reached into his jean pocket and pulled out her guitar pick that he had given her on their first and last date. "You deserve this" Mike whispered pressing it slightly into the new dirt. 

Mike walked away from the gave filled with guilt and depression. His best fried, lover, band mate took her own life because of a decision he had made.