I dragged my feet all the way home, making scraping noises against the pavement which my mother would have scolded me for if she were here. I didn't care if I scuffed up my trainers. It was a long walk home but I needed it. I needed the time to clear my head, and once I finally got to my house, I headed straight for the sofa and sunk into it with a deep sigh.
Mandy joined me a few moments later. She must have heard me slam the door shut. She stood leaning against the doorway that lead to the kitchen, just staring at me in silence until she eventually said, “Right, tell me what's wrong.” And collapsed into the sofa beside me.
When I didn't reply, she nudged me with her elbow. I glanced up at her, giving her a solemn smile.
“I screwed things up with Felix,” I muttered, looking back down at my hands which were playing with the hem of my shirt.
“And how's that, then?” She relaxed back into the cushions as though she was getting comfortable for a long story. I shook my head. She leaned in closer and softened her voice, “Come on, you can tell me.”
“I'm just an ass, that's all.”
She scoffed. “Jake, honey, everyone's an ass. I doubt things are that bad between you two. You've been best friends since before I can remember. You'll sort things out, I'm sure.” Her words were warm and I really wanted to let them convince me they were true but the thing is, I was pretty damn sure they weren't.
“I can't...understand why he's so angry at me. Mandy, I–“ I sighed in defeat. I couldn't tell her that I was dating my best friend and now we're on a break all because I was flirting with a girl that practically meant nothing to me. I mean hell, Mandy probably already knew about me and Lee, she has hinted at the notion a few times that's for sure, but I still couldn't out-rightly say it.
But this was Mandy for Christs sake. I used to be able to tell her anything and everything, and I know she wouldn't judge me or shame me for liking a boy. I think it's the pure fact of saying it out loud to someone who I see as pretty much a mother figure. I guess would mean that I was admitting it to myself...that I was...well, that I was gay? Bisexual? See, I still wasn't even sure.
I wasn't sure if I liked guys, or if I just liked Felix. You know, maybe between me and Lee it was a sort of demisexual type thing. After all, I haven't found myself being attracted to any other guys. I haven't checked any of my other mates out. I sighed in frustration, digging my fingernails into my palms.
Just say it, Jake. Just say it.
“Mandy, I think I might be gay.” I forced the words out, keeping my eyes focused on the tapping of my foot against the carpeted floor. It was silent for a moment, and I began to panic. I didn't want to look over to my left and find Mandy looking at me with disgust or, or resent, so I kept my eyes down and wondered if I'd made a mistake in confessing something that's been eating away at me ever since the first time me and Lee kissed.
“I knew you liked the D. Your father owes me fifteen quid.” She said in a rather proud way. What she'd said threw me off my game and I just sort of stared blankly at the wall opposite me for a good few minutes, before I slowly turned to look at her with that same blank look.
“I'm sorry, what?”
“Oh come on, Jake! You really think we didn't know?” She was smiling; probably at the fact that a blush was slowly sneaking it's way into my cheeks.
“You made a bet with my dad over whether or not I was gay? Are you serious right now?” If my eyebrows could have, they'd have shot right off the top of my forehead leaving scorch marks behind.
“No, psh, course not. We were already pretty damn certain about that. We made a bet over whether you and Felix were,” she wiggled her eyebrows. “You know, doing the...naughties.” She lowered her voice to a whisper for the last word.
I immediately went back to staring blankly, with a slight bit of shock pushing it's way into my features, at the wall. “Hang on a minute,” I turned back to look at her. “Who said anything about me and Lee doing the, you know, ” I raised my eyebrows, not exactly wanting to say the word and repeating what Mandy had called it just seemed ridiculous. I mean, come on, the naughties? It sounds like we're thirteen again.
Mandy laughed. “It's not hard to put two and two together, hon.”
“Pfft,” I waved my hand at her in dismissal, shaking my head at the same time, but for a different reason. “I can't believe my dad– I thought he'd be disappointed in me or something. I thought he'd kick my ass out.”
Mandy chuckled. “He'd never do that, and he'd be offended if he ever found out that you thought he would. Now, your mother on the other hand...I doubt she'll be as pleased as your father was.”
“He was pleased?” Okay now the shock was definitely evident in the way my voice broke on that last word. “Oh my fucking god. How long have you guys been gossiping about this behind my back?”
Mandy shrugged innocently. “I've kinda had suspicions for a while. I mean you and Lee have never been subtle about your flirting, have you?” She winked.
“We never flirted,” I muttered in annoyance.
“Oh, you did! You guys were always giving each other those sultry gazes and making little flirtatious remarks!”
“Shut up, Mandy.” She hit me round the back of my head with the tea towel she had in her hand, clearly insulted. “I can't believe you guys.” I muttered, finding it hard to wrap my head around the fact that my dad was totally cool with this whole situation.
“So now that we have that over and done with, what're the grimy details about why Felix is angry with you?”
“Over and done with? This is in no way anywhere near over and done with. My dad thinks I'm gay, Amanda! You guys made a freaking bet over whether or not me and my best friend were sleeping together and the fact that you're all so laid back about it all is freaking me the fuck out!”
“Yeah, yeah,” she waved me off. “Now tell me about the interesting stuff. What's happened with Felix?”
I stared at her with wide, disbelieving eyes. “You're fucking crazy,” I said in a breathy, confused voice. “You're all fucking mad.” My eyes found comfort staring back at the wall, it almost felt like it took me out of the situation. Like I wasn't really here. If I stared at it long enough, my eye sight turned blurred and out of focus, like I'd dazed out of reality.
I was jolted out of that serenity as soon as Mandy nudged me and said, “Well, are you going to tell me or not? Maybe I can help.”
I sighed. “I don't know where to begin. I guess...me and Lee decided to start dating and then I was checking Bonnie out in class one day and he just flipped a shit on me and now he's decided we're going on a break and he wants me to think about whether or not I take this thing between us seriously, or if I'm just looking for some fun, or using him as an experiment or some bullshit and then I ended up kissing his sister when I went around his house looking for him and now he's really, really pissed at me.”
Mandy blinked at me in silence a few times before opening her mouth, closing it and then opening it again. “Okay, right, I think I got all that. You talk so fast sometimes, Jake, it's hard to understand you.”
“Sorry,” I muttered, looking off to the side. My hands were clasped together in my lap so tightly I could barely feel them.
“I think what you need to do is have a long, hard, think about whether you really are serious about you and Felix. Do you want to be with him? Or do you think this is just the curious side in you that wants to try something new? Because it's normal, Jake. For a lad your age to be curious about these things, but playing with someones feelings isn't fair.”
“Yeah,” I murmured beneath my breath. “How will I know? That I'm serious about it.” I looked at her like she was my own personal soothsayer. Like she held all the answers, she could tell me the things I needed to hear so that I'd make the right choice. Like she knew my future, knew what I wanted, and just had to point me in the right direction. If only.
“You'll know,” she smiled at me. It was the sort of smile you'd expect to come from a mother, but then I guess Mandy was sort of a mother to me. She'd been there for me a hell of a lot more than my actual mum, which was sad really.
She put her hand on my shoulder and held my gaze for a moment, still smiling that motherly smile. Then she stood up to leave, heading back towards the kitchen. It was only a few seconds after that I was racing up the stairs, deciding that I was going to lock myself in my room for the rest of the night and hide beneath my covers to think.
Gay. It was strange saying that word. Not so much saying it as it was calling myself it, really. I'd always had it in my head that I was going to marry some girl and have a family, work in an office to support them and all that boring adult stuff. That's what my mum had always told me.
I was to grow up to be just like my father. Minus the drug addict part that happened a few years ago, but that was in the past. At least, I hoped it was. From the way he's been acting lately, I was a bit hesitant to believe that. Mind you, living with a woman like my mother, I didn't really blame him for going off the deep end. She could drive anyone to madness.
The thought of my future had always been a dull one, but apparently it was becoming even more so every time I thought about growing up to be with anyone but Lee. Maybe that was what Amanda meant when she said I'd know. Whenever I thought of a future without Lee, it didn't feel all that exciting.
I pulled my duvet up over my head and curled my knees up to my chest, after digging my mobile from my trouser pocket. I held it tightly in my left hand and closed my eyes as if I could psychically make Felix call me. I scrolled to his name in my contacts a few times, but I could never push myself to press the call button.
So instead I just lay there in the dark with my phone in my hand and my duvet over my head, until eventually I drifted off into sleep.