*Justin*
Sunday morning:
July 1st
9:13 AM
I couldn't stand it anymore, I still hadn't told her. I had already lied to her about it, and now I was the one carefully watching around us when we went out, hoping we didn't see a familiar face. I had already told her mom when Bella wasn't around just so she knew, and she agreed that I shouldn't tell Bella yet.
But I had to.
"Good morning." Bella came up behind me, wrapping her arms around my waist and kissed my cheek.
"Morning." I weakly smiled, sliding a hand over hers.
"It smells really good Mom."
"Thanks." Christine smiled, putting the last chocolate chip pancake on a plate. "You ate them all the time when you were little."
"What kid doesn't love chocolate?" She asked, letting go of me, but snatched up my hand and pulled me over to the table.
"Here you go." She laughed, shaking her head as she put pancakes on my plate, Bella's, and then hers.
"Thank you." I smiled at her, feeling my stomach rumble, memories flooding back into my brain of when my mom had made me these when I was little.
I'd sit at the breakfast bar and kick my feet, watching her eagerly as she cooked them on the stove - and Jaxon was always beside me with my dad at the end, sitting there with his coffee and talking to Mom.
I missed it. I missed it all so much...it didn't even seem like my life anymore.
I missed Mom so much, but I was a disappointment. I let her down, she didn't even have to tell me for me to know that. I just pushed her away.
I push everyone away.
"They're already setting up for that concert down there." Christine said, just in time for me to catch a look from Bella.
"Really?" I chirped, plastering a smile on my face so Bella wouldn't get suspicious, or start asking me what was wrong.
"Yeah, it's some band called The Summer Set or something."
"No way." Bella froze, forgetting about me once she heard the name. "You're serious right? It's not the wrong name or anything?"
"No, it's the right name." Christine nodded, watching Bella like I was. "Why?"
"Because I really like them." She admitted sheepishly, sticking a piece of her pancake in her mouth.
"We can go if you want." I told her, meeting her gaze since the first time I looked away.
"Really?!"
"Yeah, of course."
"You said Fourth of July?" Bella looked back at Christine, who smiled at both of us, nodding her head. "That's two days."
"It'll be fun."
"I can't wait." She giggled, glancing down at the beach before she popped another piece of her pancake in her mouth.
So did that mean I told her today like I planned, or waited until the end of the week.
Shit. What was I going to do? I couldn't wait much longer, she'd just be angrier and she didn't need that on top of everything else. She's finally happy, and here she's forgotten about what happened almost two weeks ago.
I had brought her into hell, and when I tried to get her out, she was sucked right back in. I should be getting al of the suffering for this. Hell, I had gotten all of the suffering for this, but she's taking it away, maybe not on purpose, but she is. My burden is slowly drawing itself from her, to me. You think I'd feel better about that, but I don't. No matter how light the load gets, more is piled on top of it. Everybody around me takes something. Everything I touch is somehow destroyed.
What if I'm the reason she dies? What if I accidently pull her into something I can't help get her out of. I'd never forgive myself, I'd probably die soon after.
I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought about it. With all the drugs and messed up things I had done, that would have killed me. I wouldn't have my family back - well partly because of my mom, but I planned on calling her, I planned on bringing Bella with me to meet her. She'd been asking for so long, and it was only fair. I can't live the rest of my life without my mom.
These past few years I've just felt lonely, that I was some ugly monster, which I was. We all knew that. I've killed people, I've done almost everything in the book except gone to jail, and that's only because I wasn't caught. I could still go.
Bella would never forgive me...she'd cry and look at me the same way every one else has. I'd disappoint her, she'd stop loving me because she'd see the monster, she'd see all of my broken pieces and see that I'm not who she thinks I am after all, she'd see all my regrets, all of my mistakes.
She'd see an empty me.
"Justin, you alright?" Bella asked with a giggled, waving her hand slightly in front of my face.
"Yeah," I nodded quickly, weakly smiling at her while I played with my pancakes. "I'm fine."
______________
10:38 AM
"Let's go for a walk." I suggested, leaning over Bella from where I laid next to her, pecking her cheek.
"Ok." She smiled, letting me help pull her up and keep a hold on one hand, swinging them as we started walking down the beach. "Are you ok? You've been quiet."
"I'm ok." I shrugged, giving her hand a reassuring squeeze.
"What is it?"
"Don't worry about it."
"Justin, I'm going to worry about it if you're acting so quiet. It's weird. What's wrong?"
"You know I've talked to Hunter..." I started, keeping my eyes down on the sand as we walked.
"And?"
"Manny still isn't back, but he knows we're not there. They led him in the opposite direction, ok? We'll be fine."
"Justin!"
"You know I'm right here. I'm not going to let anything happen."
"But my mom..." She shook her head, her eyes bigger than they were before.
"She knows. I already talked to her. Hunter told me they're in New Mexico. It would take them days to get back. It's ok."
"You talked to Mom before me?!"
"She had to know too! It was only a few days ago. Please don't be mad at me, I- I just -"
"You just what?!"
"I didn't want you to be scared."
"And you thought not telling me would take it away?! Justin, I'm scared all the time, not matter where we are."
"Not this week. You've been smiling, and happy - not checking your back every five minutes to see who's watching. They could be here, in this state, they could be north, south, there isn't any running in my world."
"Then why did we do it?" She blinked, now frightened, looking around us quickly to make sure we were still the only ones on the beach.
"Look at you baby," I sighed, tilting up my head by my chin. "That's why. When we came here you saw your mom, you were smiling and you weren't worrying. That's what I wanted...maybe I out it wrong. Running was a good thing, but this is where that old saying 'You can run, but you can't hide,' comes into play. We can't stay here all summer."
"B-But if we go home..."
"We're going to have to face it." I swallowed, holding onto her so she couldn't walk away. "But I'm not going anywhere, I tried to leave you once to protect you, and that didn't work. I'll do everything I can, you just have to trust me."
"I do trust you."
"Then have a little faith in me. Let me protect you instead of worrying about it yourself. He'll be dead before he touches you again."
"No, then you get caught, you go to jail, and you're gone. Manny wins anyway."
"He has to go away."
"Then he can be the one to go to jail."
"Bella-"
"Promise me," She held onto my face, looking up at me with desperation, her brown eyes glassed over while they gazed into mine, tugging on my insides. "Promise me you won't kill him."
"I-I-"
"You don't kill people."
"That's not true anymore." I snapped, more irritated with myself than her.
Obviously I did. Two were dead because of me - their familes lost sons because of me.
"No, those other times were because you did what you had to do to survive. That wasn't because you're cold hearted. You know that."
"Do I?"
"Justin, stop it. You do! That's not who you are."
"Have you ever thought that maybe you just believe I'm not that kind of person? Everyone else sees it, I've done some messed up stuff Bella. We're here because of me."
"No," She shook her head, watching me as I swallowed, clenching my jaw from her persistence. "We're here because there's a broken boy somewhere still trapped inside of you, wondering why he wasn't good enough to keep his family together, wondering what he did wrong, why he deserved for everything in his life to to just disappear. That's why we're here. Because a part of you is still broken."
I stayed silent, feeling her fingertips graze my cheeks, my hands holding tighter onto her body, keeping her close, pushing back old memories daring themselves to resurface.
No, I wasn't talking about this now.
Or ever.
Not even with her.
"It's going to rain." I said, tugging on her hand the way we had come. "We should go inside."
"Justin..."
"Come on." I mumbled, pulling her faster as I felt a drop of rain.
Well wasn't that ironic.
"Please don't be mad at me."
"I'm not mad at you." I whispered, glancing at her for a moment before I let go of her hand and reached down, folding up our towels. "I just don't want to talk about that. Any of it."
"Ok."
Then we were quiet, her little bag slung over her shoulder, but I gently took it from her, holding it in mine with the towels in my other hand, but it was no use.
We both were walking too slow, and didn't seem to care whether it was raining or not, I didn't.
But she was shivering as we were under the porch, and I held her, wrapping my arms around her for warmth.
"Let's go inside. You'll freeze out here." I told her, grabbing the driest towel - which actually was pretty dry, draping it over her shoulders, with her bag still in my hand, then led her up the stairs, opening up the door to my room.
"We could get a shower. My mom left for the grocery store not too long ago."
"Ok." I led her through the room, holding onto her hand, then shut the door behind us, watching Bella turn on the water, and after a few seconds she stepped inside, followed with me behind her.
I was silent, thinking to myself, still blocking those memories, and instead I watched her, taking her hands from her sides and pulled them around my neck.
"If you ever want to talk about it, I hope you know I'm here." She told me, kissing the skin by my ear.
"Yeah, I know." I nodded, pulling her closer, feeling the hot water against my back.
But I wouldn't.
_____________
*Bella*
1:32 PM
"Hi honey," Mom smiled, and Justin let go of me, walking over to her and helped her with the bags in her hands. "Thank you."
"Sure."
"Did you go to the market?"
"Yeah, I'm glad I went when I did. It's horrible outside." She answered.
"It poured on us outside." I laughed, going over to the bags on the counter where Justin had sat them and started to put them away.
"Thanks Justin." She chirped, smiling as she sat the last bag if hers on the counter.
"No problem."
"Your father called again." She told me, pulling out apples from a bag. "He wants to talk to you."
"No." I said flatly, helping them put things away. "If I wanted to talk to him I would have answered his phone calls."
"He feels bad."
"Good, he should feel bad."
"Just talk to him Izzy."
"And say what Mom?" I raised an eyebrow, feeling Justin's gaze on us. "Everything was said before I left."
"All you have to do is listen."
"I don't know." I sighed, biting down on my lip and stopped what I was doing, crossing my arms over my chest. "It might just make things worse."
"You never know." She shrugged, putting away the last grocery. "Thanks again guys."
"You're welcome."
I left the kitchen, running away before Justin could get to me and went up the stairs into his bedroom.
"Yeah," Justin nodded as he came in, his phone held up to his ear. "I know. Still? We'll be back in two weeks. Hunter- I know! I have to go. Yeah, yeah. Bye."
"What was that about?" I asked, folding up my legs like a pretzel.
"Nothing."
"Justin, you're going to do that now? Really?"
"Don't worry about it."
"I am because then you'll be like this all night, so what is wrong?"
"It's fine Bella!"
"Fine."
I had forgotten why I had come up there, but it didn't matter because I left, scooping up my phone and dialed Dad's number.
"Bella?" He answered, and I swallowed, walking over to the window and looked outside.
"Hi Dad."
"How are you? Are you ok?"
"I'm fine," I bit down on my lip, rocking on the balls of my feet. "I just wanted you to hear that from me I guess - Mom said something about you wanting to talk to me."
"I understand. We miss you here. It's quiet."
"Yeah, right." I rolled my eyes, pursing my lips as I looked out the window.
It was silent on the other end, my throat tightening at the sound.
"Bella, I need to tell you something."
"Look, I know what I did didn't make you happy, and I'm sorry about that, but I'm not sorry I left with him. I love him, he loves me, and since we couldn't be together there, we came here. You don't know him like I do."
"I know," He paused, while my mouth hung open from his response. "Bella, I'm dropping out of the race."
"You're what?!"
"You're right. I'm not home. I needed to be. Especially for your senior year, and I missed that. I'll never get it back. I'm so sorry."
"D-Dad," I was close to tears, feeling a pair of hands on my waist, which I automatically knew as Justin's.
"I really miss you, and I'm so sorry it got to the point where you felt like you had to run away to escape me. Of course I would never ever want you dead. You're my baby girl. I didn't mean what I said that night. I know he was there for you. If he makes you this happy, you deserve to be with him."
"He does."
Justin's arms tightened around me, then sweetly pressed his lips against my cheek.
"Are you going to come home? At all? I'm so sorry Isabelle."
"W-we're coming home next weekend." Justin's hands moved along my sides, making me stutter as I spoke. "I'm not sure when exactly though."
"I'll talk to you before then, right?"
"Yeah, I'll call."
"Ok, then have a nice time. Maybe Justin can come over for dinner when you get back."
"I'd like that, so would he."
"Ok, well I love you Bella."
"I love you too Dad."
I hung up, walking away from Justin and into the kitchen where my mom was.
"Hey, would you like to go out with me for a bit tomorrow?"
"Sure, how early?"
"A little before lunch," She laughed, looking up from the rest of the groceries. "Why?"
"I like sleep."
"I know you do. You won't have to wake up early. I promise. We'll leave at ten, go grab lunch and do some shopping. You think Justin'll be ok?"
"You kidding? He'll be asleep the whole time we're gone."
"If you say so. Do you want to order some pizza for dinner?"
"Sure, Papa John's...right?"
"Yeah, do you want cheese?"
"Mhm. I'll go ask Justin what he wants."
I skipped off back through the hall, looking out for Justin, then I went back to our room, knocking on the door and then opened it up, looking at him sat on the edge of the bed.
"What's wrong?" I asked him, sitting down beside him.
"Nothing, I'm fine."
"Justin," I sighed, holding his chin between my thumb and pointer finger. "Stop doing that. Tell me what's wrong."
"I'm just sick of having to deal this shit all the time. You being afraid, me getting angry just because you want to know what's going on."
"I don't mean to be nosey."
"I know, but everything is fine."
"You're sure?" I reached up to his damp hair, his head resting on my shoulder as he nodded. "What do you want on your pizza?"
"We're getting pizza?"
"Yeah, I like cheese."
"Can I have pepperoni?"
"Sure baby, will you come downstairs?"
"Yeah." He chuckled, holding onto my hand and walked with me downstairs.
"Just half pepperoni." I said to my mom, peeking into the kitchen before we went into the living room.
"Kay!"
We sat down, his arms pulling me back in between his legs, letting his fingers fall through mine.
"No more beach tonight." He murmured in my ear, kissing the skin afterwards. "I'm going to have to stay inside and cuddle with you."
"I don't have a problem with that," I giggled, meeting his lips for just a few seconds before my mom came in.
"Should we watch a movie?" She asked, sitting down in the opposite side of the couch.
"You're going to kill me with a chicflic huh?" Justin teased, once again hugging my waist tighter in his arms.
"No," I shook my head, tilting it up to look at him. "Jason Bourne."
"Oh yes! I love those movies!"
"I love your mom." He chuckled, pushing my hair over to one shoulder.
"Me too." I laughed with him, lifting up my head and kissed his cheek.
_______________
*Justin*
6:17 PM
"Look, it's you." Bella teased, nodding her head to the tv as Matt Damon jumped across a few buildings.
"I'll take that as a compliment."
"It is! But you're more badass." She whispered in my ear so her mom wouldn't hear.
"I'm probably better at a lot of things." I whispered back.
"Stop it!" She blushed, ducking her head into my neck.
"True story."
"Sometimes I hate you."
"But then you realize you love me and all is right with the world."
"Yes I do."
She hugged herself against my chest, her mom's laughter filling the room, and the only reason I noticed was because Bella was laughing with her, hiding her face.
"You already know I'm better though." I widened my grin, slowly lsiding my hands down farther past her waist and to her hips, giving them a slight squeeze in my palms.
"I swear if you keep talking, I'm not even going to kiss you."
"I don't like that."
"Maybe I just shouldn't kiss you till you're done smoking."
"That's not fair."
"Yes it is. When you're done smoking we can kiss all you want."
"We'll talk about this later." I said firmly, eyeing her ear a few inches from my mouth, but I just relaxed farther into the cushions, moving my hands along her back under the covers, keeping myself warm - while trying to change her mind about those cigarettes.
I hadn't even had one in a few days - mainly because I could find him, and I knew she probably had, throwing them away when I wasn't around so I couldn't stop her and get mad. She was so determined to quit, and if she felt that strongly about it, I would. I couldn't imagine kissing her like that and tasting like smoke, and I wouldn't want her to get a disease or anything from it.
It was just such a relaxing habit, to feel the tension in your muscles release as you breathed in that first drag of smoke, and pot was even better.
But I hadn't done that either - for a few weeks anyway, and she didn't know about the other time. I could control myself. That's not something I was addicited too, just cigarettes. I tried cutting cold turkey, and that didn't work, so if these sugary lollipops have a shot, I'll try it.
"Can you jump off building like that?" She asked from my chest, tilting up her head to look at me.
"No." I shook my head, chortling at the question. "I'd fall. I'm not spiderman."
"But you are a super hero."
"No even close." Shaking my head, I kissed her temple, moving the padding of my thumb along her hands.
"You're my super hero, so yes, you are."
I felt myself blush, slowly looking away so her mom wouldn't see, but Bella sure did, and we all knew she thought it was the cutest thing ever.
"Thanks." I mumbled, still hiding my face in her hair, feeling her squeeze my hand.
But I wasn't any here. We all knew that.
________________
7:32 PM
"Hi Mom." I held my phone up to my ear, staring at the waves as they crashed down on the sand.
"Justin? Hi, how are you?"
"I'm alright." I shrugged my shoulders, scooping up a handful of sand in my palm and let it fall through my fingers. "How are you?"
"I'm alright...is everything ok?"
"Yeah, why?"
"I just don't hear from you much, that's all."
"Oh..." I trailed off guiltily, once again scooping up a handful of sand. "I just miss you, and I really wanted to talk to you."
"I miss you too. We could do something soon if you wanted. I understand if you're busy with work and all."
"I'm actually in South Carolina now with Bella for maybe another week, then I'll be home. I'd like for you to meet her, and see you..."
"Yeah, I'd like that. I've heard she's a wonderful girl."
"She is...I- uh - ga ve her your necklace."
"Really? You did?"
"Yeah, she wears it everday. I've never seen her take it off actually. I hope you don't mind."
"Not at all. That's why I gave it too you. I'm glad you did. Have you talked to you brother and sister?"
"No, well I mean once, but not really much since I've been here. Why?"
"Just wondering," She paused, fiddling with something around her. "And your dad?"
"I talked to him for a minute last night just to say Hi, but no, we haven't really talked either. I think I'm going to take Bella over and spend some time with Jazzy and Jaxon when we get back though."
"Ok, good. That'll be nice. Just let me know when you want to come over, ok? Whenever you want."
"What about the weekend after I get back? Can we do that?"
"Yeah, sure, that sounds good. Talk to you soon?"
"Yeah...hey Mom?"
"Hmm?"
"I love you." The words left my mouth, words I hadn't said to her in forever, words that I rarely even said unless to Bella, but my mom...I hadn't let myself say that in a long time.
"I love you too Justin. Take care."
"You too." And with that I hung up, wiping the few tears that I hadn't realized had formed in my eyes away.
Maybe I was broken after all.
_______________________
"Do you want to see what's going on at the beach?" I asked Justin, going up behind him and slipped my arms around his shoulders.
"Sure." He stood up, taking my hand and let me pull him outside where I saw people were already crowding, getting ready for the show later, and I was so excited, to spend the night with my boyfriend out on the beach and watch the fireworks, and a concert tonight..,it felt like one of those summers you only read about in books, and I needed something to take my mind off of everything.
"We can't drink with my mom around." I reminded him, skipping down the stairs and onto the sand.
"I won't, I promise."
"No fighting either. I won't talk to you."
"On top of not kissing me? Damn Bella. I feel likle I'm being punished."
"Yeah, well when ou're officially done with those cigarettes we can kiss all you want."
"It's the fourth of July. You're honestly going to stand here and tell me that you're not going to kiss me all night?"
"Yes." I nodded my head, biting down on my lip as we continued to walk and get closer.
"Bullshit. You won't be able to do it. You've already almost slipped up a few times."
"Almost doesn't count."
"It should."
"But it doesn't."
"Stop it before I pull you into the water and get you all wet." He grinned, letting go of my hand to grab my waist in his palms.
"Don't you dare. I'll be so mad Justin. Don't."
"Don't make me." He chuckled, kissing my cheek a few times before he pulled me this time towards the music, eyeing guys as they stared at me and held me closer to him.
"I'm so excited." I smiled, my cheeks starting to hurt as I looked around us at all the different people and the stage, excited for the fireworks, excited for the music.
"I can tell." He led me through the crowd, getting us close to the stage and held me in front of him, giving me room to lean back against his chest.
"We can walk back to the house later for the fireworks. We can always see them outside over the water."
"I bet it's beautiful. I don't remember the last time I went. Last year I was completely stoned out of my mind I think."
"Not this year."
"I know, I'll be good." He winked, squeezing my butt and made me squeal, my cheeks turning the color of a tomato.
"Justin! Knock it off!"
"Oh stop, you love it."
"You're unbelievable."
"Say it. Tell me you love me, becaeuse I know you do."
"Nope." I shook my head, crossing my arms over my chest.
"Say it."
"Or what?"
"I'll tickle you to death."
"That's not a threat."
"Oh really?" He asked, leaning down to my ear. "I'll remember that next time."
"No. It doesn't not give you permission."
"But I think it does."
"No."
"Fine." He pouted, but then kissed my cheek. "You know I love messing with you."
"Yeah, I know." I playfully rolled my eyes, sliding down my hands down onto his.
I'd get him back one of these days.
_____________________________
9:32 PM
"It's like the first time I kissed you." Justin whispered in my ear, causing me to turn my head from where I laid beside him in the sand.
"Oh please."
"What? It's true."
"Like fireworks?"
"Don't tell me you didn't feel it too. I'm trying to be smooth here and you're just completely ruining my thunder."
"I am not!" I protested, kissing his cheek.
"Yes you are. You don't love me." He whined, sticking out his bottom lip.
"Yes I do! Very much."
"Nuh uh."
"Yes I do." I nodded quickly, leaning over him and held onto his face, repeatedly kissing his cheek.
"If you love me, then kiss me on the lips."
"No. I'm not kissing you until you're done smoking period."
"I may as well be dead. There, are you happy? I'm dead." He spread his arms out, closing his eyes and let his tongue stick out, then poked one back open again.
"Oh knock it off. You'll live."
"No I won't. It's impossible. I'm slowly dying."
"You're just trying to make me feel bad."
"Is it working?"
"No." I mumbled, snaking my arms around his torso and kept my eyes up on the fireworks.
"Damn."
"It could be much worse you know."
"This is true." He sighed, presing his lips to my forehead. "Did you have fun?"
"I did. Thank you for coming with me."
"You're welcome. I'd say I behaved myself quite nicely."
"Yes you did. We had lots of fun."
"Except for the no kissing part."
"You know I plan on having a lot of fun with this. I don't think you can do it."
"You don't think I can survive without kissing you?"
"It's not that, I just think that you'll cave and smoke another cigarette and have to start over."
"So you think I'll fail?" He raised his eyebrows, trying to keep a straight face while looking at me.
"Kinda. I just don't think you'll be able to quit as easily as you think you do."
"Is this a bet?"
"How is it a bet?"
"If I smoke again, you win, but if you kiss me before I've actually quit - we'll give it three weeks, then I win."
"Three weeks?!"
"Is that a problem princess?" He smirked miscgeviously, raising his eyebrows again.
"No," I shot back, once again looking up at the sky. "Not at all."
"Fine."
"Fine."
_____________________
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