"Shit, Jude, don't get caught," Nate groaned.
"I never get caught," I said.
"You've been caught on video," Landon reminded.
"Landon, I will rip out your spine and whip you to death with it," I said.
"Right, shutting up now," he said.
"Here he comes," Nate said.
I watched as Toby walked down the hallway, looking at his phone as he texted. When he was close enough, I reached out and grabbed him, yanking him out of sight behind a set of lockers.
"Jude," he said, shoving his phone in his pocket.
"Were you texting Dante?" I asked, giving him a dangerous smirk.
He smiled pleasantly. "Nope, haven't talked to him since yesterday."
"How did you know about that video Benji has?" I demanded.
"Because I know a lot of things about a lot of people," he said, shrugging. "Besides, I knew you needed to be taught a lesson, and I knew Dante Montgomery was cruel enough to teach it to you."
"If you ever show that video to my father, I will make sure your father knows what a worthless fucking slut you are," I said, shoving him against the lockers roughly.
Toby laughed. "Worthless slut, huh? I knew Dante wasn't going through with showing the video. He told me he wasn't, and I knew he meant it because he knows what it's like to have your family ashamed of you. He's a total jackass, but he does have a heart buried in there somewhere. I wasn't out to ruin your life, Jude. I just thought it was about time you had the tables turned on you."
"Mind your own damn business for once," I said, clenching my fists.
He smiled easily. "Going to hit me? I was just giving you a taste of your own medicine. I planned on leaving you alone after that. I'm still going to make sure you're not hurting Staz, but that's it. Now we can finally go back to being friends."
"We're not friends," I said in annoyance.
He laughed again and shook his head. "Jude, there are people who think we had a fling."
"We didn't have a fling and we don't have a friendship. Let's go." I grabbed my friends and dragged them away from Toby before he could say anything else.
"Oh thank god we survived that," Nate said in relief.
"You know he's still going to act like you guys are friends," Landon said.
"I'm aware. I'll live through it, as long as he quits getting into my business," I said.
I looked around until I spotted Staz as his locker. I went over and he noticed me, smiling.
"Hi Jude. I can't wait to swim at your house afterschool," he said. He paused and beamed with pride. "That's an expression. I can wait. But it means I'm excited."
"I'm glad you're excited," I said.
"I want to hug you again. Please," he said.
"Staz, you really don't need to ask permission to hug me. I'm your boyfriend," I reminded, holding my arms open.
Staz moved into them slowly, getting himself comfortable as he folded against me. I kissed the top of his head and hugged him back.
I wanted to hold him close to me and kiss him and just never let him go. But I knew that Staz needed time to adjust to everything, so I kept my arms loose around him so that he could pull away when he was uncomfortable.
Staz slowly pulled away from my arms, blushing lightly. There was that little bit of chalk smudged on his left cheek.
"You always have chalk, right there," I said, pointing at the spot.
He rubbed it, smudging the chalk worse. "I rub that spot when I think."
I laughed and kissed his cheek. "God, you're cute sometimes."
"You're really attractive, Jude," Staz said.
"I'm aware. But thank you." I kissed his cheek again, since he seemed okay with me doing that. I just wanted to keep kissing him, but I didn't want to make him uncomfortable.
The warning bell rang and I stepped away from Staz. He pressed his thumbs against his palms.
"I'll see you afterschool, Staz," I said and walked over to join my waiting friends.
We all went off to class, the day passing by ungodly slow. I was excited to spend more time with Staz afterschool.
When the day finally did end, I went to my locker, exchanging my things. Nate came up to me and eyed me.
"What?" I asked.
He shrugged. "I'm happy for you."
"Uh...thanks?" I said in confusion.
"You seem happier. And you have a relationship with no lies now. I don't know, I think Staz is good for you. You have that look in your eyes that says you care about him," Nate said.
"Well, now that this sappiness is over, I'm off to swim while you go to soccer practice and die during running drills," I said.
"You're the shittiest best friend ever."
"I know, it's a charm of mine."
He lightly kicked my shin. "Glad you're happy again, Judes."
I kicked him back. "Don't call me Judes."
"Go off with your boyfriend, asshole." He shook his head and laughed. "Man, I'm glad you're over Gideon. Haven't seen you happy in a while."
"Shut up," I said, but smiled a little.
We both parted ways and I went down to my car. I drove myself home, the smile stretching across my face again as I spotted Staz's car already parked in my driveway.
I got out and met up with him in the driveway. He had a bag slung over his shoulder.
"I brought my swim trunks," he said.
"Good. Let's go change," I said, leading him inside.
"Hi Jude! Hi Staz!" dad said cheerfully as we passed through the living room. Mom was next to him, typing away at her laptop. "What are you boys doing today?"
"We're going swimming," I said.
Mom looked up, narrowing her eyes. "Judeikas, I don't like you swimming. Not with your bad shoulder."
"Well, too bad. We want to swim," I said.
"Judeikas, your attitude drives me crazy. If I say I don't like you swimming, you should listen," she said sternly.
"Why would you even care?" I asked, suddenly feeling angry. "God, you're the worst mother in history, do you know that? Stop being a bitch. A little swim won't wreck my shoulder."
"Jude," dad said in shock.
"She's your mom!" Staz said, eyes going wide.
I spun around and stormed out of the room. Staz hastily followed after me as I went upstairs and towards my room.
"Jude!"
I slipped into my room and closed my eyes at my dad's voice. Staz entered my room and fidgeted with his hands.
"Let me draw you something," he said.
I pointed at my desk. "Paper and markers are over there."
He went over to my desk and I opened my eyes as my dad entered the room. He frowned, concern shining in his eyes. He reached out and pulled me into his arms, hugging me tightly, surprising me.
"I know," he whispered, holding me so tightly that it almost hurt. "I know she has a hard way of showing how she loves people. I get it, Jude. It's frustrating and it's hard on you. But she loves you so much. She's just worried about your shoulder. She always worries about you."
But it wasn't him I needed to hear that from. I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself. I didn't need any reassurance. I'd gone this long without an openly loving mother and I'd be fine with things staying the same. I was used to it.
"Jude, your mom and I love you so much. We really do," dad mumbled, kissing my hair. "I'm sorry it's so hard on you."
I pulled out of his arms. "Staz and I are busy."
He looked torn between hugging me again or leaving my room like I wanted him to. He gave in and hugged me quickly before leaving the room.
I kicked the door shut and ran a hand through my hair. I sat down on my bed and watched Staz for a while as he sketched on the papers, his hands moving rapidly, his face focused.
I wasn't sure how much time had passed when Staz finally turned back to me, holding out a small stack of angry sketches, colors swirling together viciously. I flipped through the stack, realizing that all the drawings were that angry swirl of color.
"Tear it," he encouraged.
So I did. I tore those damn pieces to shreds, watching them fall to the ground, feeling that anger course through me. Who knew that love could breed such destruction in a boy.
But too soon, the drawings were all in pieces at my feet. Staz grabbed the tape off of my desk and held it out to me.
I knelt on the floor, setting the tape next to me. Staz sat down, tapping his fingers against his legs as he watched me gather up the pieces.
My mind went to work, distracted as I tried to match pieces and colors. I grabbed pieces of tape and tackled the mess in front of me, building a new drawing from the ruins laid out before me.
When I was done, Staz and I silently looked at the new creation. I had taped it back together so that the lighter colors gathered in the center while the darker ones bordered the outside.
"Let's go swimming," I mumbled, standing up.
Staz got up as well. I grabbed my swim trunks and Staz left to go change in the bathroom. He came back into my room a minute later and I rubbed at the smudge on his left cheek.
I smiled a little. Staz wasn't built of muscles and abs like Gideon was. He was just had a healthy build to him, his stomach flat and his arms showing only the smallest hint of muscular build. He wasn't some ungodly sexy boy; he was just averagely cute, the kind of guy you wouldn't bother a second glance at in a crowd.
I led him out of my room and downstairs, careful to avoid my parents as we slipped out of the house and around to the pool. We tossed our towels on the chairs in the pool house before going over to the water.
Sticking my toe in, I nodded. "It's pretty warm."
I backed up a little and ran forward, hitting the water and feeling it rush up to consume me. I felt the giddy glee I always did when I was back in the water. Swimming had been my favorite way to relieve stress for a while, but once I had my injury, my parents hadn't even let me back in a pool for a year. Now that had strict rules about how long I was allowed to swim for and what ways I could swim.
I came up for air and gestured Staz in. He climbed over the side of the pool, slowly easing himself into the water. He kicked off the edge and wadded over to me.
"It is warm," he agreed. "Do you know how to dive? I always liked watching Dante dive."
"Sure, I can dive," I said, swimming to the edge and pulling myself out.
I positioned myself on the diving board and sprang forward into the water, easily breaking through the surface. I came back up and shook my hair out of my face.
Staz was smiling and clapping. "That was really good!"
"I was more about racing than diving," I said, swimming over to him. "Front crawl was my stroke."
"Can I see? Or will it hurt you?" Staz asked, frowning.
"I can show you," I said.
I went to the edge of the pool, kicking off the wall and swimming to the other end of the pool. I flipped and swam back, glancing at Staz when I was done.
He clapped again. "You're really fast!"
"Let's see you try," I said.
He nodded and took a deep breath before kicking off the wall and attempting the front crawl. He was slow, but his form really wasn't all that bad. When he was done, I clapped for him this time.
"Dive again!" Staz said.
I climbed out of the water and onto the diving board. I grinned at Staz and eyed the water.
"Want to see something even more graceful than a dive?" I asked.
"What?" he asked eagerly.
"Cannonball!" I cried, running forward and jumping up. I hugged my knees to my chest as I crashed into the pool, sending water flying at Staz.
I came back up and was surprised at the sound of Staz's uncontained laughter. It was a pure sound, free and alive. He was pushing his hair out of his face as he laughed, and I realized that this was probably the first time I'd actually heard Staz laugh.
I looked at Staz in awe, at how beautiful he looked as his body shook with that open laughter. How could anyone ever think this boy had something wrong with him? Maybe he was different, but he was still a human. He was vibrant and alive and the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen in my life. I'd never heard anything more joyful than his laughter.
I think I could fall in love with Staz.
My lips tugged up at that thought. What a glorious thing it would be to fall in love with Staz Montgomery.
Staz finally got his laughter under control. He swam over to me, his smile radiant and contagious.
"I want to kiss you," he informed me.
"I want to kiss you too," I said.
He swam closer to me, our bodies at that careful position of nearly touching. He leaned forward and we kissed. And kissed. And kissed. Staz reached out and held both of my hands under the water as his lips melted together with mine.
Kissing Staz didn't make me forget all of my problems. But it made me feel like I could get through it all. I gave his hands a light squeeze, feeling like I could stay in this position for the rest of my life.
We slowly pulled away from each other and I gave Staz a small smile. Our relationship couldn't be about holding each other close, because Staz just couldn't bring himself to do that. But that was okay. He had other ways to show me he cared about me, and I would find other ways to show him that I cared just as much.
The two of us swam around for a while. I could occasionally do a clumsy jump into the pool just to hear Staz's wild laughter again. We swam until it started to get dark, though I was surprised my parents didn't come out and yell at me for swimming for this long.
Staz and I climbed out of the pool and wrapped ourselves in towels. I held my hand out to him and he took it.
I led Staz away from the pool and to the edge of the backyard. I sat down and he copied me, still holding hands.
We sat there together in comfortable silence as we watched the sun sink below the trees. We both squinted at the dying light of day until the sun was hidden by the trees.
"I'm going to kiss you," I told Staz.
He smiled and let me, our lips moving together in a familiar rhythm. Just another new pattern of Staz's life.
"I'm really glad you're my boyfriend, Jude," Staz said. "You make me happy."
"You make me really happy." I kissed his cheek. "Thank you, Staz. Thank you."
I knew that, in time, Staz would slowly adjust to getting more physical. We could hug more, maybe even cuddle. I knew this wasn't the kind of relationship that would involve surprise hugs or an abundance of hot and heavy moments. But I was okay with that, because this was Staz, and he honestly made me happy. I didn't need to be having sex and making out constantly. I liked sitting with him, holding hands and sharing little kisses.
We sat together like that for a while, until it started to get a little chilly. I stood up and we held hands as we walked back to the house.
Staz and I got dressed and I followed him back out to the driveway. I kissed him and he got into his car.
"Bye Jude. I'll see you tomorrow," Staz said, smiling. "Today was really fun."
"We can do it again whenever you want," I said. "I'll see you tomorrow, Staz."
He backed out of my driveway and disappeared down the street. I went back inside, running a hand through my tangled, wet hair. Damn, I needed a shower. I smelled like chlorine.
But my shoulder was alright. A barely noticeable sting would spike when it moved it too much, but it should fade within a day or two. I rubbed it, gently massaging in.
"Your shoulder hurt?"
I stopped and lazily glanced at my mother. "No."
"I told you I didn't want you swimming because of your shoulder. But you never listen to me," she said, crossing her arms.
"Because you annoy me," I said, turning to walk away.
Mom grabbed my arm and spun me to face her, looking angrier than I had seen her in a while. "You are such a spoiled brat, Judeikas. You can't even tell when you have two parents who love you and would die for you. Do you know how many kids would kill to have their parents worry about their health as much as I worry about yours? I'm so sorry if not wanting you to get surgery on your shoulder makes me a bitch, but if that's true, then I guess I'm wearing that title until I die."
I tried to push her off of me. "Will you leave me alone already? I'm over it."
"No you're not. God, you are such an idiot Judeikas." She pulled me into her arms. "You are such a damn idiot. I love you and I'm a bitch because I love you and I want to see you healthy and successful. I'm a bitch because I know you aren't always the nice boy your father thinks you are, and I don't want you to grow up thinking it's okay to act like that. I'm a bitch because I just want what's best for you."
I wanted to shove her off of me, but instead, I hugged her back. I thought of Staz and Dante. Staz had never told Dante he loved him, and Dante was clearly torn up inside over it.
"I love you," I mumbled.
Mom seemed shocked, because it was just as rare for me to say I loved her as it was for her to say she loved me. She hugged me tighter and lightly stroked my hair.
Things weren't going to change just because of this moment and I was well aware of that. Mom wouldn't suddenly turn into this verbally loving parent who eased off the pressure on me.
But I was tired of fighting with her. I was tired of so many things. I'd found happiness with Staz, and happiness made you realize just how exhausting anger was.
"I love you, Jude," mom said, voice quiet.
So we stood there and we hugged each other. I closed my eyes, suddenly relieved that not only did both of my parents still love me, but that Staz knew the ugly side of me and still cared about me regardless.
A small smile came to my face and I hid it against my mom's shoulder. How far I had come from the angry, jealous boy who fell in love with Gideon Marchesane. How much farther I could climb with Staz and my parents there to keep me steady. The future was infinite. I was taping the torn pieces back together, and I could almost see the whole picture now.