over and over and over and over and over i think about it up until i give up trying to make sense of it all. i don't think they've ever understood or maybe it is me who failed to understand or maybe we all speak a slightly different language and we don't really realize it. we talk and talk and talk and we think we have this sense of connection, understanding but the small differences in our meanings makes it impossible to discern just what we really meant. maybe i misheard love with something else, maybe it's anything but love and i was too preoccupied with my own meanings that i didn't pay any real attention to what everyone was really saying. she could've been telling me just how much she hates my presence, but i was too busy looking at her eyes or maybe my ears denied what it heard.
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i built these small walls all over me and pile them up together to make an unbreakable fortress so no one will ever ever ever never ever hurt me. funny and frustrating how simple words from you can easily breach it like little paper being burned. i said it didn't matter. i said i never really loved you. i said so many things that adds up to my list of lies. i've been convincing myself that it was the truth, that it really didn't matter. i would have wanted nothing more than just to be with you but these walls i thought that will protect me has been my biggest mistake. i hid myself inside my pride and i can't simply get out.
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how will i do something that requires so much strength if all i ever had was doubt? doubt of others, doubt to myself, doubt that this is what i really should do.