"I don't want to do the right thing, Kanaya," I complained again to her one day, estimating two weeks after the game ended. We've talked about this conversation a couple of times now, and no one seems to be backing down.
We are both such stubborn ladies, much to anyone's concern.
"You Know You Have To Rose. It's The Only Way To Save Your Planet's Population. Karkat Said It Was A Must."
"Are you pushing me away?" I challenged, raising my eyebrow.
"Yes."
I hadn't really expected she would reply such a positive answer. It was like she had slapped me in the face. Maybe it even hurt more than if she did.
"I'm Sorry," she hugged me tight while I tried to squirm free. "I Do Not Do Well With Goodbyes."
"Then don't say them, you fool," I grumbled.
"You're Angry."
"Of course I am. The game's over and we won."
"Shouldn't You Be Glad?"
"Does it look like that's what I'm feeling?" I glared at her to hide the sadness I felt. "Don't you remember all those things we said about staying with each other after the game? How you said we would spend our lives together?" Together, together. She had promised me the word so many times.
"I Do Want That, Rose." she held me tighter so I wouldn't fall apart because it felt that way. "I Really Do. But There Is The Matter With Responsibilities. I Still Have To Revive My Species, And Then You With Yours. Also, I Still Have To Look For Gamzee."
"For God's sake, Kanaya. Leave the fucking clown alone. I don't want you getting hurt with your own actions. And what's the point of even finding him, anyway? I thought you were over it."
She seemed uncomfortable with the subject. "I Just Wish To Find Him After You Leave Because... There Wouldn't Be Much To Do To Make Myself Busy And Distracted While You Are Away For A While."
I sighed. "Will you give me your word that you'll be fine?"
She smiled thoughtfully and nodded.
"What if I didn't leave though? Would you still look for him?"
"But You Are Leaving."
"What makes you think I would comply?"
"Because I'm Asking You To."
My body trembled. "You... want me to leave?"
"No! ... Yes." she leveled her gaze to the floor.
"Why?"
Her head turned to me. "Why What?"
Tears began welding in my eyes uncontrollably as I stared at her face. What would I say? That I was actually afraid she would fall for someone else after I left? She doesn't need to know how weak I am when it came to her.
Why was she hurting me so much?
"Rose?" she asked me anxiously while she wiped away something on my cheeks. "Is Something The Matter? Why Are You Crying?"
"I'm not crying."
She frowned at me.
"I'm just deliberating what will happen with our relationship."
"What Do You Mean?" she seemed confused.
"Well, we will be far away from each other who knows how long and-"
"I Will Find A Way To Communicate With You, Rose." There was motivation in her eyes. "We Can Chat With Computers And Perhaps... Well, Mostly Computers, But I Will Write You A Letter Before You Leave." she smiled at me. The smile was like lemon juice on my paper cuts. "You Would Like That, Wouldn't You? I Seem To Recall That We Share The Same Feeling Of Having A Special Place With One Another's Personal Things Like Handwriting Or Sketches And Clothes Or-"
I stood up curtly and faced away from her.
How could she think everything will be okay even if we could communicate each other? I think she was startled by my action though, because she kept silent for a while. Traitor tears escaped again, for it all sounded like a goodbye when we weren't even leaving yet.
"Rose?"
I didn't want her to see me crying the second time, so I didn't turn around. "Don't worry. I'm fine, Kanaya. I'm just really happy you're my matesprit and... perhaps, when the time comes, it would be all right if you... wanted to... look for someone else. You know, if we... never saw each other again." I walked away from her and went to the meteor's library.
She didn't follow until after a couple of hours, probably to give me some space for a bit, so I spent the time pouring myself some beverages.
"Rose?"
Oh shoots. She saw me. "Kangaya." I slowly turned around to face her.
She looked at me, then at the glass I was holding with my right hand. "Why Are You Consuming Your Soporifics When I Clearly Remember You Saying You Wouldn't Anymore?"
"D'awwww, because I loves you, Kanasta."
"You Do Not Have To Drink Soporifics To Adore Someone, Rose. I Thought We Had Talked About This." I'm not sure is she sounded mad or... mad.
"Okey, maybe I em juz a little bit sad, okay? About the responsibilishit and all."
"We Both Are But You Do Not See Me Indulging In Being Intoxicated, Do You?"
"Nooooo!! You shouldn't drink too! Ever! I won't let..,. You."
"Rose, I'm Gratified That You Do Not Want Me To Be Drunk As Well, But Listen To Yourself. This Beverage Is Taking Away Everything I Know Of You And I Do Not Like It."
"You don't like me anymore?" :( I lifted my glass to sip again.
She held my hand and stopped me, making the drink slightly spill. "Rose."
I looked at her. "Kanaye."
"Stop. Drinking."
"... .,,, .,., you're mad."
"Of Course I Am. You Are Not Being Smart At The Moment By Letting Your Reflexes Be Drowned In Liquor. Who Would Be Happy With That?"
"I em sorrey."
She sighed. "It's All Right. I'm Just Worried About You."
"Oh, Kamaya," I hugged her.
She took the glass I was holding and placed it on the table. "You Mean Very Much To Me, Rose. But Please Stop This Nonsense With Your Soporifics."
Hic. "I'll try."
"Rose..."
"It's hard, Karkaya!" I pushed her away gently and lifted my hands to cover my eyes. "You don't get it. I em sad. And I like you a lot. And I don't want to lose you like my Mom. You don't undershtand."
Her arms held me very tight and I couldn't help but lean in to her. "You Will Not Lose Me For I Will Be Waiting For You No Matter What Happens."
I looked up at her and winked. "Promuss?" ;)
She nodded and smiled at me. "I Promise." Gosh, she was such a knock-out.
"Why are you such a knock-out, Kaynaya?"
She chuckled quietly and kissed my cheek. "I Have You To Inspire Me All The Time, Miss Lalonde."
"D'awh. Such a sweetie, my Kakaka. Giving the credit of her booty, excuse me, *beauty, to me. Oh, stahp it. Stahp it, Kayolo." I kept giggling like a total moron. Maybe because she really cared about me and I felt so lighthearted with her.
She knew I had a drinking problem, yet she was still here. Still my best friend and true love. Perhaps this was some Kanaya thing? How I wish she could come with us on Earth. I mean, she's pretty used to daylight, and I wouldn't want her to wait for me, because I would want to be with her every step of the way.
I grinned at her with the idea. Maybe I'd tell the others about my plan first.
"Alright, Let's Get You To Your Respiteblock So You Can Rest." she scooped me up in her arms and I wrapped my hands around her neck. It seemed really nice sometimes that she could carry my whole weight. But then again, I was pretty light and all. I laid my head against her shoulder and uttered a sigh of contentment as my eyelids drooped and everything felt heavy.
The last thing I remember was my matesprit tucking me in my bed and had kissed my forehead long enough to make me feel all the love she had for me, and then lightly on my lips so that I wouldn't forget I was hers.
***
I wonder why I actually remembered that now while I walked in this God forsaken woods that I cried my heart out ten years ago. No one seems to be here, as my vision can see. Maybe this was just some trick that John and the kids conjured up?
I stopped then heaved a sigh.
They knew I didn't leave the house much, right? That isolated myself from the outside world for it didn't catch my interest anymore? What would the point of seeing the sun, or the sky, or beautiful things when they would just flood me with remorse that I missed someone a lot?
I turned around and started walking away. Perhaps when they saw me leaving, they would disregard this ridiculous setup.
My feet stopped.
...
?
What was that?
I thought I heard a whimper behind me. Is someone crying? Could it be my children? I was about to turn around and give them a light scolding not to-
"Rose?"
My mouth popped open in shock.
This voice...
It was familiar, but it wasn't John's or my daughters' or anyone that was human for that matter.
This was a voice I'd longed to hear since we left.
A sound I'd know anywhere even after all this time since I committed it to my memory and vowed to never forget, though it sounded a little deep now.
It took a couple of seconds for me to turn around and when I did, I stifled a gasp. Part of it was because I was trying not to cry. She hardly ever saw me cry for there was no reason to do so. My heart started beating really loud and I thought it was so embarrassing. I wonder if she could hear it.
We stared at each other not uttering a word. It's been years. Sixteen, if I counted the last six that I didn't see her and thought she died. Was this some sort of trick again? How could anyone not tell me she was alive?!
The orange sky turned slightly darker as her skin glowed really bright before my eyes. She was still taller than me by 3 inches, I noticed reluctantly even when she was about ten feet away. She still had her hourglass body figure that shot a ripple of desire through me, though I'll never admit that. Black-painted, smooth lips with fangs protruding from each side stayed pursed. We both grew out our hair. Hers was in a braid which looked quite lovely, while mine swung free and reached to my waist. Her green irises were such a pretty sight that I almost gave in.
"Rose?" she repeated in her exquisite voice and had started to walk forward slowly.
"Don't come any closer."
She stopped dead in her tracks five feet away and stared at me with wide eyes for this was the first time she heard me talking to her directly. I wonder what my voice sounded like to her, and I wished she wouldn't see how close I was to breaking down.
"Rose I-"
"Don't say my name."
I saw her choke out a sob and tears started falling from her eyes. Perhaps when I said that, she finally saw how much she had hurt me years ago. How it all came back to her that she had said goodbye and left me even though she didn't really want to, and now she didn't know if I still wanted her even after I grew up without her attendance.
I still did though, but I wasn't going to let her know that yet. Why should I forgive her that easily? It was her turn to feel unwanted for a while.
"Don't cry."
She wiped her tears while she drew in breaths and it was so beautiful. "I'm Sorry." her voice trembled.
I'm not sure why, but I suddenly remembered the first song I ever sang to her while I stared at her face.
I think you should know that green eyes,
You're the one that I wanted to find
My mind still didn't want to believe that she was here. Why now? Why not a few years earlier? She didn't know how much I still waited and hoped for her to come back all those times.
And then... it hit me.
She was here. Her never ending tears and sobs were proof of her presence and I felt very stupid that I was hurting her, when she didn't mean to do that to me back then. I closed the remaining space between us and looked her in the eyes. She stared back at me with regret and agony.
And anyone who tried to deny you,
Must be out of their mind
"Why?"
Her eyes tried to blink through the tears. "Why What?"
"Why are you here?"
She flinched. It was the first time I saw her do that even when we were still together. Maybe because I never said anything to hurt her that much before.
"I'm Sorry."
"Why?" I asked again.
"Pardon?"
"Why did you apologize?"
"Because I Let You Adore Someone Like Me."
My throat got tight and I tried to keep the tears from escaping.
She turned around, her back to me, and it made me want to punch myself because I couldn't see her face. "I Apologize I Have Not Been A Good Matesprit To You When We Were Younger. I Will Understand If You Have Lost Your Feelings For Me, Rose Human. And I Will Not Judge That For I Have Hurt You Deeply. I Just Wanted To See If You Were Alive And Well, That's Why I Visited Your Planet."
"You're a terrible liar, Maryam."
She chuckled quietly that I remembered, then started walking away.
"Why?"
She stopped but didn't turn to face me. "Why What?"
.
.
.
My voice cracked. "Why the fuck are you going away again?"
And then we both cried when I ran and embraced her tightly from behind, for it was like sixteen years ago on her planet Alternia when she was about to let me go. The memory of it made my body weak and I held on to her for dear life.
I haven't cried like this in years. Crying because there was so much grief and yearning inside me that I held back for so long, now it came pouring out. My chest ached and I never knew that breathing took a lot of effort to do. Her body felt so warm and nice in my arms that I stained that back of her shirt with the salt water in my eyes.
Because I came here with a load,
And it feels so much lighter since I met you
"I Am So Sorry, Rose." she gasped and sobbed. "I Did Not Mean To Make You Feel Pain And Let You Think I Did Not Care Anymore."
I didn't answer her yet and just listened to her voice since my ears haven't heard it in a very long time.
"I Truly Will Understand If You Do Not Want Me Anymore."
And honey you should know,
That I could never go on without you
"Kanaya."
She sniffed. "Yes?"
"I swear that if you ever run away from me again, I won't let you live another day."
She turned around and gathered my two hands in both of hers, then placed them close to her heart while I watched her cry.
Green eyes
I'd forgotten how much I really liked these glorious emeralds.
Green eyes
I don't know why, but whenever I looked into them, I felt as if I was somewhere safe and warm. They had been my sanctuary for so long.
Her lips kissed both of my hands. "I Truly Promise," she suddenly said while she wiped her tears while our hands were still intertwined, "I Promise To Never Run Away From My Life Again."
Shit. Was she trying to destroy me once more or what? "Don't promise me anything. " my hands fell to my sides. Why did she have to say such word while looking so beautiful? It wasn't fair. I really was on the verge of hoping.
"You Do Not Believe My Words?" she was about to bawl again.
"I don't know."
She frowned at me. I was being very stubborn, I know. Here she was, back again and wanted to be with me probably until the last day of our lives, and all I could do was be an idiot.
As I re-memorized her face again, I realized that she was the only being who ever heard me sing and whom I told my secrets to. The girl who made me see that life was worth living with someone besides myself until she pushed me away, and felt so worthlessly broken that I thought she would never come back to fix me.
I wonder if she was still the same.
If she still blushed over the littlest things which I always secretly liked.
Or made such lovely designs of clothing and would say I was her inspiration behind them.
Or would automatically look the other way whenever I caught her staring at me sometimes.
Or appreciated human things I tell her about.
Or... actually thought that I was her whole world and adored me because I was me.
"When You Left," my head turned towards her, "It Was Like You Took Away My Heart With You. I Felt So Miserable To The Point That I Saw You Everywhere, Even When I Was Dying." It looked like she wanted to hold my hand again but she caught herself. "And I Never Did Find Anyone Else Because I Couldn't Stop Thinking About You. It Was Like The Word Matesprit Had Another Meaning And It Just So Happened That To Me It Was Rose Lalonde. My Whole Being Knew It Felt Utterly Wrong To Replace You As My Other Half. So Please," her pretty eyes shone with tears with the depth of her sincerity. I'd forgotten how much I loved this face. "Please Forgive Me And Be My Rose Again."
My heart throbbed. She had replaced the word 'matesprit' with my name?
It was too much.
I wrapped my hands around her neck and kissed her on her surprised lips with tears in my own eyes. All the emotions I've felt these past years: melancholy, longing, numbness, anger, futility,
... Love.
They all came crashing down along with my wall of indestructibility when the girl that meant everything to me kissed me back. It felt as if her soft lips sent bolts of electricity through me, making my knees weak and I thought I was going to fall, but she had tightly placed her arms around my waist to keep me prisoner.
No matter how much time passed, or the things I did to unsuccessfully move on, I would always have my feelings for her. Perhaps that is how you'll know that you've found "The One".
Her back softly touched the ground while my fingers ran circles on her neck. I felt my heart pound louder for I realized I wasn't imagining anymore like I used to, and somehow, the word happiness made sense again after a long time.
I'm so sorry, Kanaya.
I lied.
My whole soul didn't want you to look for someone else besides me.
I wanted you to hold me that day and say you would never let me leave.
You don't know how much I missed you.
We both gasped for air when the kiss broke and I laid down close beside her. It made my head swim for a while that she still tasted so wonderful. One of her hands held mine, and I thought that everything felt warm after being so cold since my departure.
Only now had I realized that the sky was already dark as we gazed at each other and my fingertips couldn't help touching her face.
"Kanaya?"
"Yes, Darling?"
My lips carved up in a smile upon hearing the last word she said. "I saw you dance once. When you were practicing in your respiteblock and you thought I was asleep on your pile of fabric."
"You Did?" she frowned. "I Wasn't Very Good At Your Human Waltz."
I placed my palm on her cheek. "You were so beautiful, Kanaya. It moved me that you actually wanted to practice. That was why I invited you to dance with me in the first place."
"I Thought It Was Because Of The Phonograph."
"I just needed an excuse to dance with you, of course. I was trying to be subtle about it."
"Well, You Mentioned That It Was Something Humans Did Especially When They Had Feelings For Someone." her skin glowed. "So I Wanted To Experience It With You For It Would Somehow Imply That We Liked Each Other."
I chuckled. When was the last time I felt so light? "It did. And I'm glad you were my first dance in all of history." I leaned in to kiss her again.
"Rose?" she suddenly asked, my face inches from hers.
I suppressed an exasperated sigh. "Yes?"
"Are You Still Drinking Your Soporifics? I Just Wanted To Know Beforehand So That I Will Tell Myself Not To Get Angry And Try To Understand."
"I don't really drink anymore."
"You Don't?"
"Well," I bit down on my bottom lip and I thought I saw a flash of desire in her eyes. "I did once, on the first week we came to Earth . I just felt so lonely and sad that you weren't here and crying didn't seem to be enough, but then when I couldn't drink anymore from so much intake of the substance, I realized you weren't going to be there to stop me. So I did stop eventually, because I didn't want to hurt so bad by remembering you cared for me."
Her face crumpled. "I Really Have Hurt You, Didn't I?"
"By quite a margin, dear Kanaya." I breathed on her pursed lips. Somehow, I remembered that time in the meteor's library when we were reading tomes to pass the time and I told her I wouldn't be drinking my experiments anymore. "Though as I've said, I would not let you live another day if you run away from me to again to hurt me."
"I Shall Never Do That Until The End Of Our Days, But I Wouldn't Mind Violence If You Will Be The Inflicting It On Me. I Do Deserve It."
"Yes, you do." I parted her lips with my fingers and I felt her sweet breath wash my face., making me slightly shiver with lust. "But I was thinking some other form of punishment."
"What Would That Be?" she was slowly leaning.
I was about to answer her question when out of nowhere, I heard Dave's booming voice. "Wow. John, Jade, kids, Rose's kids... let's all watch my sister and her former girlfriend make out like I guessed they would. That'd be loads of fun, wouldn't it? It's on super 3D, too!"
I almost wanted to rip his head off. Almost.
We unwillingly stood up. Perhaps now wasn't the time to do the activity, or the place for that matter. My face felt a little smug while Kanaya's was flushed green. Sigh. I had missed that.
"Mom?" my two daughters asked in synchronize.
I smiled at them. They knew about my matesprit since I practically bored them to death about the troll. Sometimes they'd listen and sometimes they didn't. My eldest daughter even wore Kanaya's Virgo shirt most of the time, considering she had the same name and zodiac sign. They knew I loved her very much. How many times did I tell them she was my first love? I presume I couldn't count them on my fingers.
"Rosemary Kanaya, Roxy, I want you to meet my soulmate." I tilted my head to the woman beside me.
Kanaya glowed that I named her after my first born and smiled at my daughters. She walked to them, held out her hand to shake, and had glowed even brighter when they returned the gesture by embracing her.
I swore I wanted to die from happiness in that moment.
Everyone was here in the woods where a few years ago, I thought I was completely alone in my despair and agony. But now, the setting changed. Everything changed. I looked at all of them, my family, and tears started pooling in my eyes.
"What a girl," I heard Dave mutter while he typed something in his phone. I was too euphoric to actually mind it. Jade elbowed him, and I couldn't help a smirk at them with their kids.
John was there and I mouthed a 'thank you' to him. He would know that I wasn't just thanking him for this night, but for all of the things he's done to keep me sane. He really was my friend. It was nice to know.
I felt someone hold my hand again. My eyes traced her face while she stared at mine. Her lips pulled up in a smile as her eyes sparkled with full of love and devotion, and I couldn't help but smile back.
She leaned in, kissed my forehead, and the last tear I'll ever shed rolled down my cheek when she kissed me lightly on my lips for it finally sank in that after being apart for so long, I was back home.
Karkat Vantas — Dare You To Move by Switchfoot
Kanaya Maryam — Fix You by Coldplay
Jade Harley — Oh Star by Paramore
John Egbert — Always by Panic At The Disco
Dave Strider — It's Time by Imagine Dragons
Rose Lalonde — Green Eyes by Coldplay
Author's note:
My greatest apologies if Jane Crocker was not in the fanfiction due to my inability to construct a better plot line to include her. I don't dislike her character or anything like that though.