“I’ve never been to this part before—holy shit!” Harry saw something that made him jump backward. He bent over at his waist, looking at something on the sand in front of him. “What the fuck is this?” he asked picking up a horseshoe crab gingerly, holding it by the tail. “The fuck?” he said, approaching me with a crazed grin.
His smile was infectious. “It’s a horseshoe crab,” I told him. “They don’t have them in England?”
“This thing? It looks like it could suck my brain out through my foot if I stepped near it.” he exclaimed, staring interestedly at it.
“Well, it’s dead now. They’re all over the place. I’m surprised you haven’t seen any others yet.”
“Can you eat it?”
I laughed. “I don’t think so…but let’s not even try.”
He tossed the crab down back onto the beach. It rolled a little way before resting in the dirty sand. “Let’s go home now. I’m beat and need a shower.”
I agreed, reaching for his hand as we picked our way across the wild north beach, toward his beach house.
The last two days had passed in a whirlwind. Time dragged when Harry and I were apart, and flew by when I was with Harry, regardless if we were working or making out in secluded areas of the island. I wouldn’t let him do anything else, though my willpower was slowly dwindling. Something kept nagging the back of my mind, however, always stopping his hands when he lowered them to my waist.
Today, I’d woken with a start to realize Harry wasn’t next to me in his bed. Or in the house. I flew to my cabin to find him, and, finding it vacant, wandered into the store. There I found Harry lounging in the office, chatting with Brokaw like they had been friends for years. When I finally arrived, Brokaw had told us that our only task of the day was to scour the sea salt off the windows of all the houses, meaning that if we finished early we could have the rest of the day off. By skipping our lunch break, we were both done by two o’clock and had taken the long way back to Harry’s house, exploring the wilder north side of Holyoke Island.
My clothes and toiletries had, over the last few days, migrated slowly into Harry’s house. They now took up half his dresser and most of his shower rack. Harry’s house had three televisions, a dishwasher, a washer, dryer, and a king-sized bed, all amenities that my cabin lacked. Almost all of our free time was spent with each other, so there was no need to keep my stuff in my cabin.
“Any falls off the ladder today?” he teased over lunch, cold salads and french bread. Harry’s kitchen was well-stocked with good food; he’d made us steak fillets last night, which were delicious.
“No, and no one bitched me out about it either,” I teased back. I was glad we could laugh about that day. The scrape on my arm had long healed, as had my opinion of Harry.
He let me shower first, then joined me on the big couch after his own to watch TV. It didn’t take long for us to lose interest in MTV though. I breathed in his fresh shower scent as his tongue slipped into my mouth. With slight pressure, he leaned me backward until I was lying down, Harry leaning over me, supporting himself with his strong arms. One of his hands slid down my side, grazing my breast through my shirt. I felt my breath catch in desire. Gauging my response, Harry’s hand slid up under my shirt. The feel of his rough hand on my bare stomach returned me to my senses.
I broke off the kiss. “Harry…”
His hand stopped its progress instantly, opening his eyes. I could feel his breath, ragged now. After a second, he sat up quickly and faced the television again.
I returned upright as well, reaching for the remote to mute the TV.
“I just want to know…what is…what do you want from me?” I didn’t know how to say it, but I hoped he understood. I was sitting next to Harry Styles, a member of the biggest band on the planet. We’d made out multiple times. But eventually, he was going back to the tour, and then back to England. I didn’t want to risk a lot of emotion if it was going to go to waste. Who knew what would happen the rest of the time he was here? I couldn’t exactly start dating him.
I wasn’t going to follow him to England, I had a life here. Well, not on Holyoke, but definitely back home. I’d managed to get into the pre-med program at the University of Georgia. It wasn’t a bad school for pre-med, but I doubted it was equivalent to Oxford or Cambridge. And I barely knew Harry; I wasn’t going to rush off to England to be with him, throwing away my life plan because Harry Styles had swept me off my feet. I wasn’t ignorant. Harry had undoubtedly swept many girls off their feet, but now he was here and those girls were not. It didn’t take a genius for me to realize that, statistically, I was just like ,the other girls who all shared one characteristic: they were no longer with Harry. I wasn’t going to throw away my scholarship if I was going up against those odds.
Harry was rich, beautiful, famous. I was an average nobody. I did not, could not, fit in with his other life. Yes, I was falling for him, much as I resisted. But that didn’t mean we had to seal it; it didn’t mean we had to make it official. Because if we did, I would get hurt. It was the only outcome I could foresee. Surely Harry would be able to recover, with girls constantly throwing themselves at their feet. It would be harder for me, to have Harry, and then lose him so quickly. And I wasn’t sure I was up for it.
Harry rubbed his forehead. “You think I’m using you.”
I was silent for a moment. Did I think that? Maybe. “It’s something every girl wonders.”
He smiled ruefully. “There are girls here, and across the ocean who would love for me to use them.”
I knew that. Girls like Katie, who’d been dreaming of the chance to hook up with Harry Styles for years. “Do you want me to be one of those girls?” I asked.
He turned to look at me. “Never, Avery,” he said. I was surprised at the conviction in his voice.
“I really like you, Harry, but I’m just not sure if I want to start something I can’t finish.”
Harry paused, running his hand through his hair, staring vacantly at the TV in front of us. “I think about where I’d be right now, if I was still on tour. Somewhere in Europe, I think. I’d be drugged up, exhausted, girls screaming every night, having to jump around and pretend like I haven’t got any problems. But I do. I had a big problem. If you didn’t dump those pills I’d still be running back here to get a fix every other day. You helped me through that. But I’m not ready to go back yet. It’s still hard to look at myself in the mirror, and harder to look into the future and see myself doing those things again.”
He turned to look at me. “I know there’s an endpoint somewhere, when I have to go back. But it’s not here yet. And I want to enjoy the time it takes to get there. I like spending time with you, and I thought you felt the same.”
“I do, Harry. I’m so glad you came to this island,” I said earnestly. It was completely true; I had never felt so strongly about anything else. Harry being here was incredible luck, making my summer the go from the worst on record to one of the best.
He reached over to take my hand. “We both know there’s an ending. But the difference is, I want to make it there with you, not without you.” He looked into my eyes, searching for acceptance. Could I live with that? Knowing that whatever we did would be done, sometime before college began?
Yes. My mind was telling me to refute him, to resist the temptation, because it would hurt when he left. But like he said—that was later. This was now. And I only had this summer left; I would be starting over in college, making new friends, beginning a new life. This summer was the last bit of my transition, and so in a way, saying goodbye to Harry would be the natural ending, as I said goodbye to everything else in my life for the past eighteen years.
““I want to be together, too,” I told him.
I crawled over to his lap, initiating another kiss. He seemed surprised, but willing, his hands cupping the back of my head. I felt my phone vibrate and jumped, ruining the moment.
“Sorry,” I apologized, sliding off him and pulling my phone out of my pocket. Another text from Katie.
“Hey girl! ur mom called & wanted to know if u had told me anything about a boy?? no!! where r u? CALL ME!”
“Who’s it from?” Harry asked, reaching for the remote to turn the volume back up.
“My friend Katie.” I shut my phone, then lay down on the couch so my head was in his lap. “She’d die if she knew I was dating Harry Styles.” I reached up to touch his cheek, rough where he’d recently shaved. “You did ask me out, right? That’s what that speech was?”
He smiled. “I have something else planned for that.”
I took his face in both of my hands, turning his head so he looked down at me. “What?” I asked, excitedly.
Harry laughed and removed my arms, his arm strength easily overpowering mine. “You’ll see.”
Any further pleading with me was met with silence and a knowing smile.