Growing up, you'd think your parents would always stay together.
Even if they would fight, scream, spew awful words to each other, throw things, leave in the middle of the night because they couldn't do so much as breath in the same house together...you always knew that they were going to stay, because siblings fight all the time, but that doesn't mean we weren't brothers and sisters.
I would rather hear them scream and argue over the littlest things than see them apart, my sister had told me once. I was probably around five or six when she said this, she being around the age of ten. I remember we were hiding in the back of the closet because it was the farthest away from our parents' screams.
At the time, I had nodded my head, agreeing with her, because our whole life my parents had threaten to sign the papers for divorce, but they always changed their mind last minute. At the time, I thought it was because they realized they love each other. But now I'm fully aware of how much a divorce cost.
My belief that my parents loved each other had not diminished when my parents fought, when they threatened to file for divorce, the day they signed the papers or even the day my dad walked out of the house for good. It took a couple of months for me to realize it.
I was thirteen and my sister was seventeen, both very delicate ages. I was on the verge of puberty and Mali was just at the age before adulthood.
We both went through a period of grief. Mali went through severe depression, she had stopped eating, pushed Andrea away, and her grades started to fall right when they mattered most.
She'd lock herself in her room and cry while I had started drinking and getting dangerously violent, beating every other boy that came in contact with me.
I didn't understand why my father left. I first blamed myself, and I did everything in my power to somehow impress him so that he would come back. I joined the football team, I started making more friends and going to more parties, I tried to bring my grades up and I tried to wash the car or earn extra money, and I told my dad on the phone about everything I had done, hoping it would make him come back.
And when that hadn't worked, I got angry. I blamed my mom for everything. I believed she wasn't good enough of a wife and she made him leave. I also blamed my sister from time to time, expressing through gritted teeth that she wasn't good enough for this family and that was he left.
When my mouth had gotten me in trouble at home, I took my anger out on anyone else outside of my home, and there was a part of me that believed my behavioral issues would bring him back, too.
But my dad was gone. My dad had left and found a life on a whole other continent, resulting in his visits to be rare. I've seen him twice, maybe three times since he left.
That's why when my sister told me he was coming this week, I had strangely thrown up the very food my mother was feeding me.
In the movies, people somehow are always able to run to the nearest trash can, but I've never even been able to move. So when it came up, it came up all over me.
I was covered in my own vomit, reeking of a foul smell that only my mother could handle cleaning off of me as I stared at her in front of me, unable to move.
Tears brimmed my eyes as I looked up to my mom, and down to myself and I realized what a fucking mess I was.
"I'm sorry," I had whispered to her. She lead me to my bedroom and peeled my shirt off of me, telling me to change my clothes.
I shook my pants off and slid on some basketball shorts, staring at my closet.
I sat there, quiet, numb, and almost empty. I replayed the moments that just happened before in my head, realizing how much my mom and my sister were there for me.
They had gotten me out of any trouble I've ever been in, they fought me even when I didn't deserve it and my mother had just cleaned my own puke off of me. They had been there and they had all felt the pain.
My mother had to take on another job, of course, on top of raising two teenagers. My father sent money, but it wasn't near enough that we needed. My mother had done it alone.
I pushed myself from my bed, and walked out of my room to the laundry room, barely picking my feet up.
"Mom?" I croaked, my bare feet pressing against the tile floor in my home.
Her kind, tired eyes, the same eyes that Mali and I shared with her, looked up to me, as her lips spoke,"Calum, it's okay. I'm cleaning it up."
She had poured the detergent all over the load, closing it completely and pressing her finger to a button.
I walked closer to her,"Mom, I'm sorry. I love you so, so much. Thank you, for everything."
Her closed lips curved upward as her wispy stray hairs fell to her crinkled eyes, and she opened her arms. I crouched down and wrapped my arms under hers, appreciation for my mother ran through me.
"I love you too, Calum." She spoke.
-
"My dad's coming to town." I had told Lennon the following afternoon as we were doing her laundry at her house.
She looked up at the ceiling and started groaning, shaking the t-shirt that was in her hands,"Ugh that suuuucks."
I smiled at her reaction,"I know."
"Make him give you money." Lennon she shrugged as she folded the shirt,"For all the problems he's caused you."
"I would, if the deadbeat had any money," I told her, I looked towards her,"Why don't you ask your mom for money...you know...for all the problems she's caused you?"
She looked up towards me, her eyes narrowed and a smile laced on her face,"Well, if I could find her, I would. Looking for her is like an endless game of Where's Waldo on steroids."
"She went away without a phone number, an address...I even looked for her on Facebook. Couldn't find her." She went on, grabbing what I assumed what was Gavin's boxers and folding them.
"Sounds like a bitch." I told her, and then we went into a moment of silence for a bit.
"When did you say your dad was coming?" She asked.
"Friday?" I tried to think what my sister said before I threw up,"I think he's coming for dinner."
"Want to ditch and go to a party instead?" She smirked, her eyes gleaming with mischievousness.
"Jumping into blistering hot lava sounds more fun than dinner with my dad." I answered, confirming the invitation.
-
My dad was supposed to come around eight, but I was gone by seven.
My mom was caught up in the kitchen cooking and my sister was setting up the table, making it fairly easy to sneak out of the house again, Lennon's hideous car waiting at the edge of my driveway.
"Do you even have a job?" I asked her when I got in the car, still amazed how they let her keep her license.
She laughed,"Not anymore. I got fired from that job weeks ago."
I shook my head, moving my seat backward to make room for my legs as she pulled out and made her way to the house.
"How far away is it?" I asked her as soon as we got out of my neighborhood.
"Like...an hour."
My eyes went wide,"You got enough gas money for that?"
"I got a few dollars...some change..." She responded sheepishly.
I nodded my head,"Why is it so far away?"
"It's where my old friends live...like, when I was thirteen and still living with my Uncle Tom...Gavin's dad."
"Why don't you live with him anymore again?"
Her eyes went back and forth between me and the road,"He was kinda an ass. Got away from him as soon as Gavin turned 18."
I nodded, just responding with a quiet "oh."
Lennon's radio played some CD with her old music, thankfully making the long, quiet ride a little less quiet.
When thirty minutes passed, my phone begun to buzz, and I knew immediately it was my mom.
I took my phone and put it on silent, knowing she was going to blow it up the whole night.
I looked to Lennon and smiled, grateful I had a way out of that stupid dinner.
When we had gotten there, I was surprised that Lennon knew everybody. I knew she was from around here, but it was like the party literally started when she walked in. They had all cheered her name.
She hugged some people, said hello to everyone else.
"So this is where all your friends are." I muttered, looking down at my chipped black nails, suddenly feeling inadequate.
"This is Calum!" She said over and over, introducing me to all of her friends.
There was Eliana, Sebastian, Polly, Celia, Ian, and so much more. I said hello to them and I socialized more than I have socialized in the last couple of months, and surprisingly, I was actually have some fun.
The music was turned up loud, the smell of cannabis and alcohol had been in the air, and the room was hot, but I was strangely having fun.
"Your friend's super cute!" One of the girls, Layla, had told Lennon. They both smiled up at me while moving to the beat of the song.
"I mean, I guess," Lennon shrugged, her smile growing bigger than ever, she bumped her hip with mine and I shrugged too.
She pushed me away,"Go get laid."
I blushed at her comment, looking back down at Layla. She was cute. She was kinda tall, black curls that curtained a very sculptured face, tan skin, and thick dark eyebrows. She had light greenish-brown eyes that stared up at me, but I couldn't help but notice how big her breasts were in her scoop neck top.
"So, uh...where you from?" I had asked, trying look at her face.
"Uh...here?" She asked, a little confused. She patted her skirt nervously as she looked around, taking a sip of her drink.
"Right..." I scratched my head, awkwardly. I looked around, knowing I wasn't going to get any sort of action with my personality and social skills.
A friend came and got her focus, pulling her away, which seemed to save us both from our misery. I went to find Lennon.
I had looked around the living room, outside by the pool, kitchen, she wasn't there. Whenever I had looked into the upstairs into the bedrooms, I didn't see her.
At first.
That was until I did a double-take with the girl sitting on the the edge of the bed, her legs around some guy in a leather jacket who was sticking his tongue down her throat.
She had one arm wrapped around his neck and another holding up a cup of what I can only hope was apple juice that was just about to spill onto the bed.
Her hair fell as the kiss deepened, exposing the purple. A realization that the guy was Benny had hit me. I backed away from the room, and turned around, feeling a sudden disappointment.
I later found Aaron, who waved to me, obviously high as hell,"Hey man! Did you see Little Birdy and Benny gett-"
"We aren't friends." I reminded him.
"Oh." He mumbled,"Well in that case, fuck you."
I snapped at him as I walked away,"Atta boy."
I waited out the party, talking to people here and there until I could find Lennon again, by herself this time would be nice.
When one o'clock rolled around, she came towards me and giggled, holding onto Benny beside her. She felt to her knees and folding her arms on my lap, looking up at me.
"Hey Cal Pal," she greeted, resting her hands down on her arms, causing her cheeks to squish.
"Bye-bye, little Birdy," Benny waved, a crooked grin on his face as he backed away.
"Hey," I pat her head,"You know you were supposed to drive home, but I guess I can sneak you into my house tonight."
"Oh I can drive..." she insisted, closing her eyes.
"Haha no you can't." I told her, again.
She pushed herself up and started putting something in her pocket, and she waved goodbye to Benny as she stumbled towards the door. She ran into me and
"Let's go," I said, sticking my hand out.
She looked down and grinned, slipping her fingers through mine.
I bit down on the side of my cheek,"Uh...I actually need your keys."
She held her forehead, squeezing her eyes closed,"Right..."
She fished them out of her pocket and handed them to me, still holding onto my hand. We started walking out towards her car.
"You were supposed to drive..." I reminded her,"But since you wanted to get drunk with his James Franco lookin' ass, I guess I'll do it."
She rested her head on my shoulder,"Okay, whatever. Can we talk about this later? My head hurts."
I stayed quiet for her sake, letting her rest. I rubbed my itchy eyes, trying to stay awake for the hour that I had to drive. I turned up the radio, groaning when it was Lennon's 50-year-old music playing.
I eventually made it home safely, seeing an unfamiliar car in the drive-way, and I sighed, shaking my head.
He's still here.
"Lennon, wake up," I whispered, shaking her just a bit. She groaned and dragged herself inside my house.
"Can I just sleep on the couch?" She said in a hushed tone. I looked towards the couch, seeing an old man snoring loudly.
"My dad's here." I answered, and I saw as her dark figure nodded in the night. I lead her to the back where my room was.
She kicked off her sneaks and collapsed onto my bed, making sure not to make a peep.
I slipped a blanket from the closet in the hallway and tried to slip a pillow from underneath Lennon's arm, tossing them on them on the floor so I could sleep.
An exhaustion took over me despite the uncomfortable feeling of the carpet in my room and my desire to just stare at the ceiling above me, and I closed my eyes quickly, falling into a deep sleep.
-
"Calum..." I opened my eyes to the sight of Lennon looking over me, her hand on my shoulder, shaking gently.
I rubbed my eyes, stretching my whole body before pushing myself up.
"I'm hungry and I have a headache." She whined. I pressed my back against the door of my closet, making myself comfortable.
"I'll go get you some food and medicine in a couple minutes," I told her, my body aching from laying on the floor,"What time is it anyway?"
"Uh..." She turned her head towards my desk, where my clock was,"5:34."
"Are you kidding me?" I laughed,"Why would you wake up so early? We literally got home three hours ago."
"I had to pee, and throw up." She answered truthfully,"I guess I had a lot last night."
"A little bit to drink, probably something to smoke...Benny's tongue down your throat. Not too much." I shrugged, nonchalantly pointing out her time with Benny.
She laughed,"Wait what?"
"You disappeared off with him last night," my mouth twitched as I grinned sarcastically,"Probably to make loooove."
She stayed quiet, looking around my room,"Oh...I don't remember that."
"What do you remember?" I asked, my eyebrows furrowing in concern.
"Um, I remember leaving you with Layla to go get a drink in the kitchen...and then I remember leaving the party with you, I think."
"You don't remember anything in between?"
"No..." She answered, biting her nail nervously.
"God dammit, Lennon." I whispered.
She shrugged, I repeat shrugged, and got under the same blanket I was under.
"I saw you with Benny...you were pretty, uh, intimate and you don't remember anything...doesn't that bother you a little?" I asked.
"That's what happens when you go to parties, Calum." She rested her head in her hands, closing her eyes, continuing to speak,"Let's just go back to sleep."
"But-"
"I don't want to to talk about it anymore. Sleep."
I stared at her in amazement, but I decided not to push it simply because something in me couldn't say 'no' to her.
"Don't you want to sleep in the bed?" I asked her as I closed my eyes.
"No," she said quietly,"I'm okay right here."
I stayed quiet, eventually going back to sleep.
"Calum Thomas Hood!"
The angry screech of my mother using my full name had caused my eyes to snap open, waking anyone up from the dead.
Oh shit, I thought, I had turned off my cell phone last night.
I jumped up from the floor, my heart rate skyrocketing and my legs still tangled with the quilt I had slept on last night, causing me to fall face front on the floor, a loud thump being made when my face hit the carpet.
"Fuck!" I muttered.
I heard giggling from behind me and I looked up to see Lennon staring up at me. I rolled my eyes and pressed up forward, shaking my feet from my blanket and running to the hall, meeting my mother.
"Where the hell were you last night?" She spat angrily.
"Uh, not here." I answered, trying to avoid the truth,"Try not to be too loud. I got a girl in my room." I tried to smile at her, thinking it was funny.
"Wherever the hell you were, I hope it was worth it. You don't want to answer your phone? You won't get to have it." She stuck her hand out as I reluctantly shook the phone from my pocket and handed it to her, my head hanging in shame.
"It's not that big of a deal-" I started,"I didn't want to have dinner with Dad-"
My mother's eyes looked behind me, and I followed hers to where the couch was behind me, my father sitting up from his spot on the couch, turned around to look at me.
He looked different.
I mean, I know he obviously would look different since it has been so long since I've seen him, but he had grown even paler than before, resembling something of a corpse. His lips were chapped, his thinning hair was barely there. He had been a chubby man my whole life, but now he had seem to have lost weight.
"Dad-" I whispered, my throat getting dry.
The extra skin that hung over his eyes and the bags that were underneath his eyes made them almost invisible, making eye contact hard.
He licked his lips before giving me a small smile,"Hey, kiddo."
"Uh, hi."
"You've grown into such a handsome young man." He complimented groggily, coughing at the end.
I kept my distance as he spoke, not sure of what to do,"Thanks."
"Why are you so far away from me? I don't bite, Calum. Come sit next to your dad!" He commanded, his voice hoarse, and he took a deep breath and squeezed his eyes closed, as if speaking so many words physically hurt him.
I looked at my mom, who nodded her head, telling me to go forward. I took slow steady steps towards me dad, taking the seat next to him on the couch.
His arm shook as he weakly threw it over my shoulders,"How have you been, son?"
I turned to look at his face,"Fine."
He coughed once more, and I backed away, watching him.
Then it had turned into a fit of coughing, and he grabbed a tissue from the box, coughing into it. When he pulled the tissue away from his mouth, I noticed a few spots of scarlet, and my stomach turned. My breath was getting shaky, and my palms were getting sweaty.
"Dad..." I looked towards him, grabbing onto my knees.
What he had visited for was obvious. I didn't want it to be truth, despite everything, but I knew what was coming. I tried to prepare myself, but it was too much.
He turned to look back at my mother, as something began to build up in the back of my throat.
"What's...what's wrong?" I barely spoke with my broken voice.
My father looked down into his lap, not being able to face me.
"Dad...don't tell me you're sick..." I pleaded.
He shook his head,"It's my lungs, son. Got cancer."
He told me so quickly, and for the first time, without the shortness of breath, like he'd been practicing it in the mirror to himself, rehearsing it over and over.
I shook my head as my sight blurred, I began to pull at the hair in my head,"No no no no no."
I thought of the very cigarettes my dad smoked, the ones he would drag endlessly, the smell that reeked on his clothes when he came home from work whenever I was a child. I had ran to hug him, climb into his lab, and I ignored it. I accepted his habits and I let him live with it.
I cried, and I cried, and I cried more. It was the ugly cry, too. My whole body shook, my tears staining my face, snot falling from my nose and spit falling from my lips, my whole face itching at the many substances that lingered on my face. The collar of my t-shirt was wet and cold against my chest as I held my head in my hands.
My father wasn't dead, yet, but that's what it felt like. I felt awful at the thought that I would avoid his phone calls, ignore his birthday cards, spoke to him bitterly whenever I had gotten the chance to speak to him.
I heard a creak in the wooden floors of the hallway, looking up to see Lennon, her hair falling off her shoulder as she peaked over the corner, her socks sliding back and forth on the floor.
I had forgotten about her.
"I'm sorry-was I interrupting something...I-" she stuttered, covering her mouth shyly, trying to stop the words from spewing out of her mouth.
My dad started laughing, which had lead to more coughing.
"Son, why didn't you tell me? She's a pretty one!" He had patted my back, and I wiped my tears away, wondering how he could be so strong.
"I...I-" I couldn't tell him that it wasn't like that. I was physically incapable of producing words.
"Do you want me to leave?" Lennon began to back up, as I shook my head.
She snuck in across the living room, and wrapped another arm around me in a comforting manner.
"This is Lennon," my mother introduced for us,"She's a real good friend of Calum's."
"Hi Lennon," my dad grinned, his old, pale and fragile hands meeting Lennon's smaller ran ones,"I'm Calum's dad."
She stayed quiet, but shook his hand and smiled politely.
My mother had offered to make us all breakfast. None of us except Lennon had the appetite, and even she couldn't finish everything on her plate.
"I'd better go," she said once ten o'clock rolled around.
I followed her back to my room, where she would grab her sweater and slip her same old black Converse back on.
"I'm sorry, Calum." She whispered as she was tying her shoes.
I nodded my head, not sure what to say. Are you supposed to say 'it's okay?' 'Thank you?' I never knew what to say in a time like this, and I hated it, because I didn't want to say much at all.
She leaned up and left a peck on my cheek,"You can always talk to me. Even if it's in the middle of the night, or in the middle of a really good movie, or even if I have like explosive diarrhea, like, seriously, you can always talk to me." She reassured. I smiled down at her, nodding my head, giving her thanks.
"Drive safely." I had told her when she left.
They alwAys haVE PARTIES IM SORRY LMAO my brother goes to them every weekend but I literally have gone to none that were like legit high school parties I'm shit lmao AND THIS CHAPTER IS 4,000 WORDS MY CHAPTERS ARE USUALLY HALF THAT BUT IDK WHEN TO STOP WRITING ok bye