I write to you now, before they administer the drugs that will plunge me into endless sleep. I write for each of you that ever was there for me, that ever did care for me. I have my reasons for what I did. I have my reasons for keeping it a secret.
Everything I ever had in life, everything I ever could have wanted in life. The two were slowly merging to mean the same thing in my eyes. But it could never be fulfilled. Because of him. I wanted him. More than anything that could have possibly appealed to me. It was him.
My mind was made up the second I saw him lying there. The second the words were whispered into my ear. The second I was told I could do something about it. About his death.
So I did it.
I loved Ryan Ross
I love Ryan Ross
That's why I decided to make the ultimate sacrifice, my life for his. A deal with the devil to ensure his life was in safe hands. And he'd always have a part of me. Even if that part was something as sick and twisted as an organ. It didn't matter. I was in love. And people do crazy things for love.
The odds were not in my favour, but if there was no chance of me surviving, the doctors could not have carried out the surgery. Thankfully, thought the chances were slim, they still exsisted. Slim was good for me. I didn't want to survive.
I am not, and never was, suicidal. Just extremely stubborn. And selfish. Or selfless, depending on which way you look at it. I want the best for everybody. But the best is not always what other people want. Take Sarah for example, I know she is better off without me, but she wants to keep me. Because she can't bare losing me. And I understand, I honestly do. But that's where my selfishness kicks in. And I become a rotten hated criminal.
All I need you to understand, is that I did this for love. And I grow tired now, the drugs are kicking in, and my words are growing fuzzy. But I had my reasons. I have my reasons. I stand by them.
I love Ryan Ross.
I will always love Ryan Ross.